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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed of with "I don't mind"

155 replies

Bumble1830 · 07/08/2018 23:47

A little bit lighthearted, a little bit rant-y.

Does anyone else get pissed off with "I don't mind" answers to every single question you ask the family? What do you fancy for tea? .... I don't mind. What film shall we watch? ... I don't mind. How would you like to live your last day on earth? ... I don't mind. Seriously, a little clue as to what you fancy for dinners as I'm doing the weekly shop in Sainsburys (other supermarkets are available) would be nice, and then they moan because its the stuff stuff every time....!!! Ggrrrrr. Aannnnnd bbrrreeaaaath 😶

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 08/08/2018 08:58

What's worse is an american BF I had who said 'I don't care' when he meant 'I don't mind'. Ooh that used to make me edgy.

Original poster

Bumble1830 · 08/08/2018 08:58

I'm glad I'm not the only one who have humans who can't make a decision. It's also things that don't have an impact on my life whatever they decide, I asked DH the other day, as I was going bed, if he wanted the front room window kept open.... "I don't mind".... Well are you hot, or cold.?? I just left it and went bed.

OP posts:

nakedscientist · 08/08/2018 08:58

that vegetarian buffet at the Hare Krishna temple

I have done this more than once in my youth, it was delicious, and free... Not sure if it still is

toomuchtooold · 08/08/2018 09:08

"I don't mind" earns its own place in hell along with silence, "anything but X", "I'm hungry", and asking for something that we don't have in the house when I've been to the supermarket in the past 48h, asked you specifically if you wanted it and you said no.

I'm trying to train the kids into doing a bit of the mental work around this - "I'm hungry" gets you zero points, "I want X" gets you one point and "can I have X please?" means you won the jackpot and may, in fact, get X. At least we've moved on from the days when toddler DD2 would just stand in front of the cupboard and roar. We'd have to lift her up and point to stuff until she stopped crying. And then the interminable phase of "I want that thing that we had when we went to the place that had green walls." The hospital? Soft play,? The airport? Someone's house? Was it this year? Was it sweet or savory? "It was on a plate. With... a fork." And you go through all the possible things you might eat with a fork to eventually land on the mayonnaise they had with chips three weeks ago in a cafe in town and they really liked it at the time but had forgotten until this minute, aargh.

dueanotherchange · 08/08/2018 09:15

This thread has reminded me how much of a control freak I am. Mine don't get a choice. They eat what's put in front of them or go hungry. And that goes for DH too.

DMIL used to the "I don't mind" and the "Whatever's easiest." I told her to stop. I simply said "DMIL, would you like a cup of tea? And "Yes please" or "No thank you" are the responses!" She laughed, and said yes please.

We've not had a problem since.

hollyjollychristmas · 08/08/2018 09:16

Yes. I almost lost my mind last week, every week when meal planning/writing my shopping list I ask OH if he has any meal preferences and he always says "I don't mind". I then made macaroni cheese and got moaned at for choosing a meal he is not fond of! Felt like flipping the dinner table.

Osirus · 08/08/2018 09:18

I went on holiday with my DH’s family last year (parents, siblings etc.). They are all like this and I remember one evening standing in the street with them all where they debated going to dinner, which they had already been doing for an hour inside the hotel. All saying “I don’t mind”.

I got fed up and just walked off to a restaurant, where they all followed. Nightmare.

Firesuit · 08/08/2018 09:22

If the non-cook genuinely doesn't mind what's made for dinner, I don't see how it helps to rope them into the decision. For a start, they probably don't know what the practical options are, so you'd have to go back and forth until a menu of options was established. And once that's done, they might still have no preference, so then you'd have to explain that what you really wanted wasn't to know their preference, but for them to make a decision for you.

It's a bit hypocritical to be angry at their indecisiveness, if you're equally unable to decide, especially as you're in possession of the information needed to make the decision, and they aren't.

If you have no preference, toss a coin (or a dice, if you have more than two options.)

MilaIsobella · 08/08/2018 09:28

I'm a Don't Minder My Husband gets the arse with me sometimes and says it can come across as if i just don't care and that I'm not interested, But I just generally "Don't mind"! I'm either too knackered to chose what to watch on TV - as I'll be asleep in 0.28 seconds or I'm starving and will just eat anything. But I laugh at myself because I realise how irritating it can be.

Iruka · 08/08/2018 09:33

I think there can be a big difference. Answering 'I don't mind' to a question like 'do you want tea or coffee?' is wet blanket time. Everyone has a preference there. Or if you are asking for suggestions for a weeks worth of meals before going shopping

I work with someone who sounds like some of you.
Him: Where shall we eat?
Me: I am not fussed, what do you fancy?
Him: Oh my god, why cant you ever make a decision
Why is it my responsibility to make the decision there? If I say I don't mind, its because I don't mind. In my experience, people who get worked up about it are the ones who don't want to make decisions themselves.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2018 09:34

triptrap that’s not a man who has problems deciding, it’s an entitled man who is used to being facilitated! Sounds like you could helpfully drop some of your mental load!

dueanotherchange · 08/08/2018 09:38

Osirus DH's BIL and I learned a long time ago not to ask DH's family, make the bloody decision and that they'd follow. There's inevitable sulking from two family members who don't like the choice but as they've not bothered making a decision in the 15 years I've known them, I just ignore it and feed my children.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/08/2018 09:44

It irritates me as it makes me responsible for all the mental load. Maybe I don't want to decide what to have for supper I want someone else to pick up that responsibility for a change.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 08/08/2018 09:45

Oh god yes! Ive been contemplating starting this very thread (so it's evidence when I run amok and they start digging up my patio) but wasn't brave enough for Aibu. Every fucking night. Generally I just cook whatever, but I do ask for inspiration.
However, mea culpa, I'm guilty too. Dh will ask where we could go on weekends, and I'll say...Mainly because if I do say places I'd like to go with him (I'm aware that I can go alone, but weirdly I like doing things with him) he'll tut or huff and find some reason not to.

Syfychannel · 08/08/2018 09:48

Well its ok if they absolutely don't mind and will be happy with whatever you give them (within reason).
What is really annoying is when they are clearly not happy with what you decide on.

FiestaThenSiesta · 08/08/2018 09:50

There is a very easy and very simple solution to this. It’s more difficult to answer with what you do like/what you do want to do than it is to express what you don't want

Ask- what do you want to avoid for dinner today/this week?

What don't you feel like doing today?

CookPassBabtridge · 08/08/2018 09:57

Me and DP do this sometimes as we are knackered and just want the other to decide, but we never moan about the outcome.

It would bother me if someone did it with everything, not only for any moaning that might come after, but also because it seems like they are lack lustre about life and don't care about anything.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 08/08/2018 10:01

Give them a bowl of plain lettuce for tea. When they moan, reply "Ah, so do you mind? In that case, next time I ask you want you want, answer me properly."

The thing to do with such people is never bail them out of the consequences of their choices. And not choosing is a choice. Play tough until they change

Sonders · 08/08/2018 10:01

I think this thread is my life. I'm surround by don't-minders who think they're being agreeable and polite but in reality it puts a massive burden on me because I actually have to do everything - but of course when you come up with ideas the first 3 or 4 things are not right.

The worst are the half-planners.

"Shall we take Deliveroo tonight?"
"Sure, what were you thinking"
"I don't mind"
"I fancy sushi"
"No, I don't want that"

"It's Sally's birthday next week"
"Oh yeah, what should we get her?"
"I don't mind"
"How about a gin tasting, Sally loves gin"
"Nah, that's a big commitment"
"How about a gin making kit?"
"I don't mind"
"HOW ABOUT 30 BOTTLES OF GIN"
"If you think she'd like that"

Ok ok, maybe I need to make some real-life changes...

lazyarse123 · 08/08/2018 10:05

My Dh doesn't often often say i don't mind it's usually "what are you having?" or " i don't know". In the first place he doesn't like a lot of what I like and secondly if you don't know how can you expect me to, i am not doing your thinking for you. He occasionally ends up with nothing. Not my problem.

llangennith · 08/08/2018 10:10

After asking a question add
"Please note that 'I don't mind' is not an option".

TorchesTorches · 08/08/2018 10:12

Phrases i use a lot with my DH and DC are 'take a stance!' and 'is that a yes or no?'

multiple times a day. Grrrrr

Potplant · 08/08/2018 10:46

Some people think they’re being polite and not making a fuss but they’re just pushing the decision onto you, which is neither polite or not-fuss making. Example I was ordering business card for a new colleague and I asked him if he preferred Dave or David. ‘I don’t mind’. How can you not have a preference on your own name? why would I choose, I only met you five minutes ago.
My ex was also a don’t minder, but that was more so he could absolve himself of any repsonbility, not get bogged down with the mental load of all the boring stuff. Also gave him good opportunity to criticise later.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 08/08/2018 10:54

I've started to respond to "I don't mind" with "I'll give you a minute to decide and come back to you". If they still haven't decided they have to go with whatever I'm doing.

CutesyUserName · 08/08/2018 11:03

Drives me bonkers too. As does, 'Oh, go on then', as a response when you ask a guest if they want some more cake/tea/dinner. As if I've persuaded them against their better nature and they are doing me a favour. Fuck off and go home!

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