To be pissed of with "I don't mind"

[Bumble1830]

A little bit lighthearted, a little bit rant-y.

Does anyone else get pissed off with "I don't mind" answers to every single question you ask the family? What do you fancy for tea? .... I don't mind. What film shall we watch? ... I don't mind. How would you like to live your last day on earth? ... I don't mind. Seriously, a little clue as to what you fancy for dinners as I'm doing the weekly shop in Sainsburys (other supermarkets are available) would be nice, and then they moan because its the stuff stuff every time....!!! Ggrrrrr. Aannnnnd bbrrreeaaaath 😶

[wanderings]

Sorry, I just had to add this. Remember the books about the child Jeremy James, and his impossibly logical approaches to the topsy-turvy world that grown-ups live in? He noticed that grown-ups never answered questions; mummy in particular would reply with "Ssssh!" or "Hmmmm", or ask questions about why he was asking questions. Here he tries to find out whether his parents prefer chocolate or liquorice allsorts, so he can decide what to give them for Christmas.

Mummy's answer:
Well, in the afternoons, I prefer chocolate, and in the evenings I prefer liquorice allsorts. And in the mornings, I don't really feel like sweets at all.

Daddy's answer:
Well, sometimes I like the liquorice allsorts that have black in the middle, sometimes I like the liquorice allsorts that don't have black in the middle, and sometimes I like chocolate, but all in all I would say it's about half and half, it's about fifty-fifty.

Jeremy James's face was then as long as Santa Claus's beard. His question had been well and truly non-answered!

[cricketmum84]

I get this whenever I do the weekly meal plan "I don't mind, you decide" which invariably ends with me having to change the fucking plan because it turns out they do all mind after all!!!!

[Loopytiles]

“I want you all to agree on one thing for us to have for dinner this evening, then let me know / shop for and cook it”

[GreatWesternValkyrie]

You just need to fine tune the question Bumble - try “I want you to decide between you what we’re having for dinner tonight”.

Either WW3 will break out in your house or they’ll become excellent negotiators (which might also backfire on you in the longer term )

[Bumble1830]

I've just asked them to actually make a decision about what they wanted for tea... And I got 3 different answers, so that back fired 😆. Best think of a different way of asking next time ha ha

[Trinity66]

Parental visits:

Me - What would you like to do, now you're in the big smoke? (Thinking, we've got so much to see and do here, you'll surely fancy something?)

Dad - I'll just do whatever you would normally do.

OK - 5 loads of laundry and an hour or three of admin at the computer? You came all this way for that?!

See reading that I would take from the answer that your dad came all this way to spend time with you so he is happy to just do that and really doesn't mind what you do together? Sounds like he was trying not to be a hindrance to you and doesn't want to make you feel like you need to be going out of your way to entertain him

[5foot5]

"PIL, would you like to come with us to X today or would you prefer to rest at home?" "We don't mind!" I think they are afraid of making a "wrong" choice, but it is exhausting to host them as even offering to make them a cup of tea leads to a five minute Mexican standoff.

@Limpshade It sounds like we have the same PIL!

I think they believe that stating a preference would make them demanding whereas saying they don't mind will make them no trouble at all. The number of conversations I have had that go:

Me: Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?

FIL: I don't mind

Me: Well I am making anyway so would you like one?

FIL: Well yes please if you are making.

Me: Which? Tea or coffee?

FIL: I don't mind

Me: Which would you prefer?

FIL: I don't mind, whatever you are making.

Me: But I am making both! (Usually true because I often have tea but DH prefers coffee)

FIL: Well I don't mind, whichever?

At which point I exit to the kitchen where I can give a silent "Aaaargh!" of frustration.

[sar302]

Argh!! Another one here who has changed the questions I ask:

"Anything you fancy for dinner next week?" Has now been replaced with "You need to give me ideas for 3 meals you want next week."

"What do you fancy doing this weekend?" Has been replaced by "I'd like you to make plans for us and Baby on Saturday."

I got fed up with doing all the sodding thinking and managing the mental load for the whole family!

[wanderings]

"I don't mind" is OK as far as I'm concerned; I take it at face value, and more fool you if you really did mind. I'm a bit of a control freak, so I rarely tire of making decisions.
"I don't care" as a reply is absolutely not OK!!!!

I remember being told off as a child when I cheerfully replied to a "would you like..." suggestion with "I might as well". The mum who asked it (not my own) took great exception to this for some reason, she said it sounded like a typical surly reply from one of her own teenagers.

This discussion reminds me of something I read in some awfully gender stereotyped self-help book, on the kind of question every man dreads from his wife: "should I wear the blue shoes, or the gold shoes with this dress?" Many men will answer at random (maybe without even looking), or say "you choose, darling". This book said that the wife doesn't really want her husband to choose; she wants to hear some validation that she looks good in her outfit, but doesn't want to ask for it directly. I'm not sure if I agree with this, but it's an interesting thought.

I think many adults have a deeply ingrained habit of asking questions as a formality, to appear to be involving someone in a decision, to make them feel consulted, or even just to make conversation. I expect those who reply "I don't mind" think that this is what the questioner is doing, and they're not expecting the questioner to genuinely want to know the answer! Ditto questions that we ask almost without thinking: "how's your week been?" "do you have any plans for the weekend?"

[maddening]

I just had a holiday with friends and all our kids - so would ask - shall we do x or Y, a couple of kids said Y and then the rest (including the adults) were all 'I don't mind' so I took the stance Y

[prunemerealgood]

Parental visits:

Me - What would you like to do, now you're in the big smoke? (Thinking, we've got so much to see and do here, you'll surely fancy something?)

Dad - I'll just do whatever you would normally do.

OK - 5 loads of laundry and an hour or three of admin at the computer? You came all this way for that?!

[RadioDorothy]

I'm a don't minder...but only because I've been conditioned by DH to become one. Plus I absolutely genuinely don't give a toss whether I eat chicken and rice, beans on toast, or ice cream for tea. That's why he cooks, because I can't and won't, and I'm eternally grateful that he is happy to.

Generally speaking most suggestions I make (for dinner, a film, what time to leave etc) will be vetoed or vehemently criticised. Often with details as to why I'm wrong.

So now I'm paralysed by indecision, and that annoys him too. I can't bloody win.

[CoalTit]

It's been really interesting to read some of these replies and analyses. I remember getting really upset when my brother and sister visited me separately, of their own volition, and replied to every one of my suggestions for outings with "if you want to", with the emphasis on "you".
I also know a couple of people who will ask, for example, if you want sliced or unsliced bread. If I say unsliced, they will immediately tell me all the reasons that sliced bread would be better, while the bakery worker stands there waiting, and I will roll my eyes and wave my hands and shout "Sliced, then! Why ask me?"
My brother and sister have a much better relationship with our rather temperamental, authoritarian parents than I do, and after reading people's thoughts here I've been thinking that my siblings' have learned behaviour that works with our parents, although it seems very odd and exasperating to me.

[Petalflowers]

My teens are very good at the ‘I don’t know’ answers as well. It infuriates me. I usually assume it means ‘No’.

[Trinity66]

My other bug bear is when can’t decide what to eat when in pub/restaurant so when you say I’ll have lasagna for eg they say I’ll have that too, it’s so irritating I mean have a mind of your own surely you know what you want to eat .

That actually annoys you? seriously? Maybe they just also wanted that or do you own the rights to Lasagna :p

[Honflyr]

Likewise, if I pick something for dinner that someone else in the group isn't that keen on, I feel like a knobhead.

It's so bad that when I was a vegetarian, I would never tell anyone whose house I visited as a teen, because I didn't want them having to fuss about cooking me something meat-free when they were planning a meat-based meal. I would just eat the meat.

[Honflyr]

I don't like making decisions because if something goes wrong, it's my fault.

"shall we to to the sea Life centre or the museum?" If I pick the SLC and we get stuck in traffic and end up having a shitty day - my fault, because I chose to go there and if I'd picked the museum it wouldn't have happened.

I'd much rather someone else chose so they can feel bad for making the wrong choice, not me!

I also don't want to choose because it makes me feel like "oh I'm so important", i'd rather just go along with what everyone else is doing.

[StopItAndTidyUpNow]

yep this drives me insane i get it ALL THE TIME!

When i ask DP and DSS what they want for tea i always get "i don't mind" from DSS and "I don't know" from DP

Then i just go ahead and make something and DSS leaves most of it because he doesn't like it (even though hes eaten it 100 times before) and just as i'm about to serve it DP will say "oh, are there no chips with that then??"

NO! There aren't any chips because you sodding well told me you didn't know what you wanted, had zero input into it so no, the meal does not come with chips!!

NEXT!

[GreatWesternValkyrie]

An “I don’t mind” in my house is taken completely at face value. I reply with ok and don’t go on to offer choices or suggestions that can then be refused. I simply make/arrange/order/book my choice and that’s that.

If you don’t mind, you don’t need an opportunity to veto anything.

[Lethaldrizzle]

The mates who always say I don't mind on what's app groups and never organise anything themselves

[MermaidTail7]

My DP and his entire family are like this... After many years I have learnt that for food, DP just sees it as fuel, and just as long as I don't make something I know he hates, he genuinely doesn't care. He has a couple of nights a week where I am not home until late evening, so he sorts his own dinner out which gives me respite from the 'I don' t mind dance'... He is also very good at springing into action in the general direction of the chippy if I come home and announce I'm too tired to cook!

His family though, are a whole different level of I don't mind, and hate having firm plans. When they come to visit I never know if I have to buy enough food to feed them in the house, or if we will be going out for food. If we end up going out for food, it turns into an hour of choosing where to go where every option is met with 'I don' t mind'..whilst I get silently more and more hangry... once we drove to five different lunch venues until we found one that could accommodate us all and that one family member who previously 'didn't mind' deemed suitable for them and thier children..

There was one occasion where we had agreed in advance that I'd cook everyone a Sunday roast before they headed home that afternoon, then 11am Sunday morning as I was putting a joint big enough to feed 9 in the oven, and having already prepped all the vege, one of the family visitors came in and said 'we thought we' d go to the cafe for breakfast and then head home early...you don't mind do you? '.... Aarrgh!

[Thursdaydreaming]

Yes, this annoys me but I've got to used to it. My DH is happy to cook but has only had about three dinner ideas in his life. If I ask, any ideas for dinner tonight, and the answer is "anything/I don't mind", I then just make exactly what I want. And there are no take backs!

Me: Any ideas for dinner?
DH: Nope, I'll have anything.
Me: Great, oven chips and an orange it is!
DH: Hmm, can't we have fish?
Me: (already slicing the orange) You had your chance!

[kmc1111]

There’s people in my life that I always give I don’t mind answers too. When I don’t it’s very clear that my preference isn’t their preference and this displeases them, but they won’t acknowledge or discuss that, and the whole thing just creates an unpleasant (and utterly ridiculous) atmosphere. I have no patience for that shit anymore, so I say I don’t know and leave them to it.

These people would say they hate making all the decisions, but the thing is they already make all the decisions in their head. They just want someone else to agree with their unspoken choices and verbalise them, and if you say something different then you’ve mucked up their plans. It’s tiresome.

[DrBlackbird]

www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html

I hear this all the time. When ones darling family expect you to make all the decisions then decision fatigue sets in! The point is not whether you mind or not, the point is that you do not force the other person to make all the damn decisions however minor, thus exhausting their mental reserves (further) and conveniently maintaining yours. So when you're asked for an opinion, please provide one.

[Sorry10]

I don’t really mind I want to throw things at anyone who says that .
What do you want for tea I don’t mind agggh
I have a couple of friends who I meet up a couple of times a year for lunch who will never commit to where to go it’s always I don’t mind so I have to pick somewhere. My other bug bear is when can’t decide what to eat when in pub/restaurant so when you say I’ll have lasagna for eg they say I’ll have that too, it’s so irritating I mean have a mind of your own surely you know what you want to eat .