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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed of with "I don't mind"

155 replies

Bumble1830 · 07/08/2018 23:47

A little bit lighthearted, a little bit rant-y.

Does anyone else get pissed off with "I don't mind" answers to every single question you ask the family? What do you fancy for tea? .... I don't mind. What film shall we watch? ... I don't mind. How would you like to live your last day on earth? ... I don't mind. Seriously, a little clue as to what you fancy for dinners as I'm doing the weekly shop in Sainsburys (other supermarkets are available) would be nice, and then they moan because its the stuff stuff every time....!!! Ggrrrrr. Aannnnnd bbrrreeaaaath 😶

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 08/08/2018 08:24

Actually flashback memory to single days and a holiday with an I don't minder. Worse it was independent travel round Cuba so lots of decisions where to go, how long to stay there, what to eat. Every decision "I don't mind". Which on the one hand was great in that we had exactly the holiday I wanted but found myself hissing "I am not the bloody travel agent" by the end of the trip.

QueenOfMyWorld · 08/08/2018 08:25

My ds 4 has mastered 'can I have a surprise?' Which basically means I cba to think so id like you to think for me

DilianaDilemma · 08/08/2018 08:26

I do this a lot!

In my case, it literally means I don't care either way and genuinely will appreciate whatever you decided to do. Naturally, I wouldn't then moan if the result happened to be somewhat less than perfect in my esteemed opinion.

It's a food thing for me, really. Picking what's for dinner, chosing a restaurant. I'm very much not a foodie and most other people in my life are.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 08/08/2018 08:27

It's infuriating!

RandomlyChosenName · 08/08/2018 08:27

But what about when you're round a friend's house, they offer you a choice of two different wines. You say "I don't mind (whatever you fancy)" because you genuinely don't have a preference (or know the difference) but it's their house and their wine and you don't want to pick the wrong one and upset them by drinking the wine they actually wanted to keep to drink on a special occasion and not share.

Or meals- it works the other way "what do you fancy for dinner". You're saying "I don't mind" because it would be a bit rude if you suggested roast dinner with all the trimmings she when all they wanted to make really was a sandwich...

KERALA1 · 08/08/2018 08:29

They must think it's helpful and "not being a bother" but it's not it's passive, weedy and frustrating as leaves the task of thinking and deciding to others.

Andtheresaw · 08/08/2018 08:29

It's the whole 'mental load' thing isn't it? They don't want to thik about it so they don't. For meals at least try meal planning a week at a time and force their input at that stage so they aren't hungry when they choose. It also means that when you are tired you don't have to give it headspace.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 08/08/2018 08:31

Mine does this with holidays. I ask him where he would like to go - I don't mind, you choose, he says. I say I want to be able to plan together where we are going - I find it fun - but I just get no input from him at all!! I got so fed up this year with him being non-committal that we have had just 3 days away and nothing planned for the rest of the year!

KERALA1 · 08/08/2018 08:32

Dh has a more demanding job so I cook in the week. I ask for input he just says "I'm just grateful for whatever you make". Told him how the planning pisses me off this holiday he has done all the food planning and shopping so nice to not have to do it!

Beamur · 08/08/2018 08:32

I'll tolerate this in children, but in adults (especially ones I know well) I don't I'll say, you might not mind but I cba making all your decisions for you.

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 08/08/2018 08:33

Yes that sort of thing with my friend too Kerala. In order for you to come up with the bloody suggestions you had to know what there was to do, how to get there etc so you end up responsible for researching, booking, costing, everything! While Ms I Don't Mind gets to switch off her brain and follow you around .

It's a bit like when people talk about the Mental Load in a couple relationship, who the hell wants that in their friendships?

SugarIsAmazing · 08/08/2018 08:35

-but, if you genuinely don't mind about something, what else should you say? (Please help me out

How about thinking of a meal you like or a place you enjoyed and say "how about fried pilchards. I enjoyed it when we ate it at so-and-so..."
Or "do you remember that walk along the canal? Maybe we could go there..."
And then if the person asking doesn't want to do those things the decision is thrown back at them, and of course you don't mind anyway

Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 08:35

It drives me mad too OP!

Juells · 08/08/2018 08:35

Haven't RTFT but those "I don't mind" people sound like they're nice, relaxed and non-controlling. Try living with someone controlling and you'd soon come to appreciate a bit of "I don't mind...".

MumW · 08/08/2018 08:38

YANBU.
1: "I don't mind" - well I bloody well do, FFS do the thinking for once in your life and stop leaving it all to me.
2: "Whatever's easiest" - ok then nothing
3: "What can I do" - use your bloody head, you can see the dishwasher needs emptying... this also goes with
4: "DD go and help your mother" which then means I have to stop what I'm doing and think about what she can do and then explain in words of one syllable exactly how I want it doing - that's help spelt H.I.N.D.E.R.

Then of course ...
5: you are, for example, in the middle of frying onions and it's about to rain and you ask them to get the washing in. "Yeah, ok" then half an hour later you realise that they forgot/couldn't be bothered.

And the other one that really gets my goat is
6: when I've actually gone to the bother of making a nice dinner that they all like (in spite of 1 & 2 above) and you give them plenty of advance warnings, "dinner's nearly ready, can you lay the table please" (see 5 above), "I'm dishing up", "It's on the table" and you sit there like a lemon with several plates full of food in front of you (plus the cutlery which you've had to go back and get), "It's getting cold" (in exasperated tone) and then they all disappear off to the loo/suddenly have to answer a really important text etc, etc.

Wow that feels good, didn't realise how badly I needed a rant! It's good to know it's not just me.

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 08/08/2018 08:38

Juells I'm familiar with both. There's a whole world between controlling arse and passive, wet lettuce!

frontera · 08/08/2018 08:39

My SIL is an I Don't Mind-er. She lives really rural and was staying with us in a big city for a week. 25 degrees, blue sky Saturday and I asked her what she'd like to do, "I don't mind". I offered suggestions, "I don't mind" to everything. So we watched telly more or less in silence for about 8 hours. It wasn't my responsibility to organise a 37 year old woman's holiday itinerary.

Oysterbabe · 08/08/2018 08:41

This drives me up the wall. Just once I would like some kind of input as to what he would like to eat. I might serve him only things I know he doesn't like until he tells me what he wants.

Although he told me the other day that he doesn't like soup. We've been together 5 years, I love soup and make it all the time. He must have been been thinking "Urgh soup again, I hate soup" for years.

sirfredfredgeorge · 08/08/2018 08:45

The problem essentially boils down to you asking a question different to the one you want answered, you ask "what do you want for dinner?", but what you want is "can you help me out with some ideas for us to have for dinner?"

Of course, the OH should probably be able to realise that from the context, there are lots of times when we don't ask the exact question, but if it's happening often, try asking the real question.

Loopytiles · 08/08/2018 08:45

If what you actually want is for your H and other family members (if old enough) to do some meal planning, shopping and/or cooking, do things to make that happen.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/08/2018 08:47

I don't think it's rude or lazy.

If I ask DH what shall we do today and he says I don't mind, I'll just choose what we're doing then. He can't moan about it because he said he didn't mind.

Same with food. If they don't mind what they're given I just cook what I fancy.

sueelleker · 08/08/2018 08:49

My husband does this-he doesn't eat fish or poultry, but if I ask what he wants it's "whatever you like". The point is, what I like isn't what he likes!

Raven88 · 08/08/2018 08:50

But what if I genuinely don't mind? 😁 I used to do that but now I'm a veggie so I have to make the choice for dinners. I don't watch tv/movies so it's better than answering I don't care. DH is a don't minder too so a lot of time I have to take control. He's a nightmare on holiday. But I learnt to live with it and I know what he prefers so I plan around that.

Pinkyponkcustard · 08/08/2018 08:55

I have a friend like this - friend - “shall we do something this weekend” me -“sounds good, what shall we do” friend - “I don’t mind”

So you obviously had something in mind when you asked me!!!

triptrapdollydumpling · 08/08/2018 08:57

Wow! Have just asked DH what he’d like to eat this evening as I didn’t want to decide. After several minutes of extreme confusion and ‘I don’t mind’ he has now stomped downstairs, slammed the door and told me not to bother doing him anything. That’s really a man who won’t make a decision!

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