To hate "say goodbye to xxxxx once the baby's here" comments

[m4rdybum]

Currently pregnant with my first.

I can't say I enjoy anything nowadays without someone remarking that I'll be waving it goodbye once my baby is born.

I'm not even going about big things, like impromptu weekends away (which I can't do anyway cause I'm skint) or going out on the lash (which I don't do cause I'm a boring fucker).

Someone told me very smugly that I won't be able to sit and eat my breakfast and watch telly for 10 minutes in the morning.

I get that things get hectic and sacrifices are made but I just find it so patronising - like people think I'm expecting it to be a doddle (which I'm not cause I'm a realist).

@sparkling123 Of course you'll be able to have a drink. If you have a good partner you might even be able to have several drinks! Parenting with a hangover is hell but DH and I take it in turns to let our hair down at social occasions with the other person doing the parenting the next day.

I didn't realise you couldn't have a drink once the baby arrives.

Well meaning advice I can take, but I don't think the 'enjoy this now because you won't when baby is here' comments are well meaning advice. As PP have mentioned there's an element of smugness.

I've started asking people to tell me something positive about having kids (I am pregnant with my first) because all I seem to get are birth horror stories, quips about how tired we'll be and how hard it is. I know! And I don't think any amount of chat (or books, or NCT classes or whatever) is actually going to prepare me so stop making me feel like crap

My mil said to me and dh kiss goodbye to your social life when I got pregnant with my first.

I still have a very good social life except it’s just different. I still have some of my old friends but I have newer friends now too.

I go round to friends houses they come to mine and shock horror once a month I go out with girls for a night out.

Dh does the same we’re a team.

Although In mil opinion the way I live my life isn’t to her standards - oh well

Thank you ladies! I did have a moment of doubt when mil said it 😂 I will be having wine with my Christmas dinner this year!

sparkling I’m breastfeeding and still have the odd glass of wine. Baby is 11months and thriving. Smile, nod, and get on with doing what works for you and your baby

It depends on the child. DC1 was easy going, calm and could take or leave us. Dc2 doesn't like to sleep or be alone ever 😣 but...I love them and I've grown kind of attached so I'll keep them . Seriously, take it as it happens and try to take it in your stride. Some days will be tough, Some days will be a doddle. People mean well.

Everyone means well I’m sure- they are just trying to make conversation usually. A lot like those conversations about how big/small your bump is . I just took it all with a pinch of salt and thought “oh I’ll just do it my way”. But it’s really hard to understand how big a shift in your life having a baby is until you’ve done it. I mean everyone says you’ll be tired and you’ll have to function on X hours of sleep but it’s not until you’ve heard yourself say “oh I’d do anything for even two hours” having not slept since before you had the baby that you really realise how bad it is. Obviously not every baby is the same but they are all broadly similar in the first few weeks at least- unless you get lucky!!

Anyway just take it all with a pinch of salt and take it as it comes!

Pregnancy chat can be a bit repetitive as others project their similar experiences onto you, but it's harmless, well meaning chat. You are being a bit over sensitive and critical if these are friends you are talking about.

People in this thread like in real life are basing their comments on their own experiences.
I found the first year with all my three babies really magic, the first dc being the easiest as could just lie around watching Netflix when they were feeding, house was never so clean, long baths etc. Obviously with subsequent children this can often be impossible.
I honestly thought people had exaggerated when I had my first...... TODDLERDOM though was a massive shock!!! I honestly was totally unprepared for how physical and busy they get get.My dcs have all been super busy, climbing everywhere, pulling everything out types and none of them played with toys until around 3/4.
I really wish people had told me how hard toddlers can be instead of focusing on the newborn bit all the time.
The constant 'it gets so much easier ' is very subjective. I could do so much more when my babies were carried around in slings, prams. I redecorated my house with a newborn, now with a 16 month old I can.do.nothing unless they are asleep, nothing, as the second I turn my back they are climbing up stuff, running off etc.
So in fairness I think in some ways it can be said smugly but in other ways it's well-meaning. I honestly wish someone had told me that it doesn't always get easier and I would have felt less shocked when after the baby bit I actually struggled more.
Just to add OP it is also awesome!!!
I am so much more motivated and driven in life now as my dcs have helped me focus on what's important. I am fitter than I have ever been, our dcs bring us endless joy and laughter. I can't imagine my world without them.
So while it is insanely hard, like you cannot understand until you are there, it's also beyond wonderful. People should be allowed to say how hard it is though but I can see how grating it can be especially when most of us thought the child would just fit into our lives not the other way around.....

Why are playpens a thing of the past? My friends/siblings all had one for little toddlers to safely play in. I haven't seen or heard of one in years. Are they unsafe? This thread makes them sound useful.

The constant 'it gets so much easier ' is very subjective. I could do so much more when my babies were carried around in slings, prams. I redecorated my house with a newborn

I totally agree. Having a newborn (for me) was a piece of piss as he slept all the time and stayed in one place.

Shit hit the fan once he started moving about 😉

It largely depends on the nature of your baby. My first was needed me to hold him all the time, wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me. But my second is completely different, as long as she's fed, she will be happy to be put down on her play gym, rocker, Moses basket etc. So I have manage to eat most meals with both hands! And watch tv!
People don't know what else to say to a pregnant women apart from trying to 'helpfully' warn them about problems they may face or 'helpful' comments about your bump size etc

I tend not to say things unless the person has asked. However it does tend to be a conversational gambit and take it with a pinch of salt advice from other mums. I know I kept saying to my dh why did no one tell me how hard it is? And he didn’t have an answer because of course loads of people tell you, but you just don’t realise.
As a side note, none of the small stuff is attainable any more. Especially not with two! And mine are very placid, laid back kids. I struggle daily to try and find 10 mins to just chill, really chill! Which is why I book in for a spa day twice a year (where all our money goes ) so I can have a proper relaxing break.
It’s such hard work but please don’t take stuff like this to heart, it’s more conversation than anything else!

@FaFoutis
KO Knausgaard is so outraged by how awful and humiliating it all is. I felt exactly like that.

Me too. I felt like it was something that was far easier for a bloke to say and that irritated me but I was still grateful to read a description of it all that said how shit it was without adding "but I wouldn't change anything for the world!!!" on the end.

Just working way through replies now.

OP, your life is going to change a great deal, in ways which you cannot currently imagine (hopefully many of the changes will be positive ones).

This is what frustrates me - not the various scenarios people like to talk about. But the feeling that people think I've got a rosy view in my head of how it's going to be and that I don't know that my life will change. I know this. I've prepared myself for it being utter shit challenging in the early days.

I also found it irritating when people told me all this stuff with a tone of barely concealed glee, and the thing about sleeping while you can is only rivalled in its stupidity by the "sleep when the baby sleeps" that comes after, but I do wish I'd heard a bit more about stuff like how long it would take for them to sleep through the night/ go 4h between feeds in the night and things like that. Somebody on here said "by about 12 weeks you'll get a bit of an evening back, sleeping through takes a bit longer" and that was incredibly helpful.

This. I get I don't know the full extent but if the comments were actually helpful and encouraging rather than someone enjoying the fact I'm going to be hit by a ton of bricks, that's be great.

The thing is though (and I'm really not trying to wind you up more I promise!!) you can prepare yourself for the worst but honestly it is still incredibly difficult to understand how awful it can be until the baby comes. And this is why people try to impress it upon new parents (unless you're lucky enough to get a "good" baby).

I thought I was prepared for the absolute worst in sleep deprivation, feeding issues, clingy baby etc. but when it actually happened I thought, what the actual fuck is happening, this is a hundred times worse than I thought it could actually be. She waa once so overtired that she screamed for a full 90 minutes in my face whilst lying on my chest and I just thought this is not supposed to happen. She had chronic constipation issues and would spend hours upon hours screaming until she was sick, and my second was similar but due to reflux issues.

Basically babies can be so much shitter than you thought humanly possible so people are really trying to live vicariously through your pre-baby self!

Sometimes it's coming from a good place hinting at what's coming.

Sometimes it's said with glee from sadistic fuckers who want someone to suffer what they did.

The truth is having a baby is hard and nonstop but you don't have to give up everything. If there's something you really want to do then you can prioritise it, whether it's baths or the odd lie in or whatever. You just have to put the baby first 99% of the time and choose whatever nice thing you want to do in the remaining 1%.

Having said what I did, I do agree with the above. My priority is tea and I ensure I have at least 4 hot cups a day no matter how much my two scream to be picked up..!

I've prepared myself for it being utter shit challenging in the early days.

I think the problem is that we all thought we had prepared ourselves for it being utter shit challenging but even then, in actuality it was infinitely harder than we could have imagined. Honestly, I wish someone had prepared me more realistically for what it would really be like as I think then I would have been less blind-sided and more able to grit my teeth and get through it. And of course for some lucky people it's not that bad - but that would have been a nice surprise!

The reality of the effects of sleep deprivation, the level of responsibility, the demands on your time and energy and the sheer completeness with which your life has to change is, imo, unimaginable. Worth it now, for me, but it wasn't for the first three months. Not at all. And that's what I wasn't prepared for. I knew it would be hard but I assumed it would feel worth it, and it didn't. That was pretty crushing.

It's just smug shit and projection. I wear quite a bit of make up. I know my mother was really hoping having dd1 would prevent this and said numerous times I wouldn't be able to do it when she was born. I've never gone out (unless my choice) without any make up on in the 8.5 years since dd1 was born. Dd2 is 5.5 and I've been a lone parent for 6 years now. They are both still alive!

My ex in laws were always claiming I would never eat a meal hot again after having a baby. Again not true for me.

It's this weird projection thing. A dear friend of mine is pg with a surprise baby. I remind myself constantly to wind my neck in and not say stupid things to her about what will be challenging and what won't.

You should meet my mum, a.k.a. 'kids aren't allowed in pubs because they run around and make a mess - this one's a baby. She's not capable of being a problem quite yet.'

Somewhat surprisingly, we both turned out reasonably okay.

It's sad if that was the case for them, but also rather unkind to take pleasure in telling you it will be the same for you.
It probably won't be- babies don't do anything. My life didn't change after having each of my children. I don't relate to the 'you'll never wee in peace/you won't get to sit and have a meal/you won't get a minute to brush your teeth'.

It’s annoying! And then once your baby is born, you get “you won’t be able to do that when you have two” !

^this^
These comments never end... “wait until you have 9 kids, 3 dogs, a herd of goats and a troop of flying monkeys”