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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
Themerrygoroundoflife · 06/08/2018 20:27

No way!!! My husband cooked for at least the first 6 months every single night after each of our babies.

Celebelly · 06/08/2018 20:28

Christ on a bike. Can't believe some of the Stepford wife comments about it not being unreasonable. IT TOTALLY IS UNREASONABLE.

I'm due our first child early next year and my DP has already said he will be doing the bulk of the cleaning and cooking while the baby is young and for as long as I need until I can manage. Does your husband think you've just been dossing about all day or something? I'd give him spaghetti hoops every night.

BlackWatchBelle · 06/08/2018 20:29

My husband wanted this.

We are divorced now.

So he wants his working day to finish when he clocks off. Come home to a meal to allow his social life to happen, then get in after his personal plans to go to bed with no family responsibilities and do the same the next day. When do you get your personal time? Family time? It will only get worse. He earns the wage so he can do what he likes? Way too one sided.

hiddeneverything · 06/08/2018 20:30

Fuck that.

mineisarossini · 06/08/2018 20:31

The dinner issue would be a side show to him going out 4 nights a week! What the actual hell? He has two babies and an exhausted mother, he should be helping with the bedtime EVERY single night barring none, tidying up and cooking WITH you, and if anything sitting YOU down for a rest.
You have ended with a very selfish and vain man op 💐🥗

Celebelly · 06/08/2018 20:32

Also the minute someone uses the 'I'm going out and earning money...' excuse as to why you should cater for them, a fully functional (allegedly) adult male, when you're on maternity leave looking after their TWO children, one a newborn baby, is the minute you can use the phrase 'go and fuck yourself' with zero guilt.

Themerrygoroundoflife · 06/08/2018 20:34

Also, I'm currently a SAHM to two toddlers. I normally cook when my husband gets home to watch the kids or he gets home and cooks. Rarely my youngest naps while my eldest watches TV and I throw something in the slow cooker. But in general, although I do more domestic things I think SAHMs that act as slaves for their husbands are mad. If I worked in a nursery or was a childminder I wouldn't be doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Being a SAHM with no childcare/childfree time means spending the vast majority of time looking after the children. If you have just one placid child you can get them to 'help' with jobs but they will still take far, far, far longer. With two or more pre-nursery age, their needs to be a fair split of domestic tasks that reflects the reality of the time small kids demand of you. Feminist sahm rant over.

PerspicaciaTick · 06/08/2018 20:39

Tell him to buy a selection of frozen ready meals. When he gets home he can choose the one he fancies and be eating it 7 mins later.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/08/2018 20:40

He can expect all he likes, doesn't mean it's going to happen. I think it might be possible to share the cooking as we all have to eat. I somewhat agree with some of the other posters and would say that if you're cooking Mon-Thurs, he cooks Fri - Sun. You could do a big batch of cooking when he is looking after his children and freeze it so that on Monday you could do pasta and a sauce, Tuesday you have a casserole (defrosted overnight as it will have been cooked over the weekend and frozen), Wednesday you could do pizza and baked potatoes or salad and Thursday do some baked fish (shouldn't take more than 20 mins in the oven or so). Then he takes over and does the cooking for the rest of the week. If he doesn't agree to that, you don't agree to it either. Or do what someone upthread suggests, only cook for him on the nights when he's staying in.

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 20:43

Stepford wife because you don't mind cooking for your DP GrinIf someone said DP had dinner on the table every night people would have him on a pedestal saying what a great guy yet if a woman's doing it she must be a mug on down trodden. I don't judge others for their family dynamics

RocknRolla · 06/08/2018 20:46

Tbh I don’t think he is being unreasonable about the dinner. Do you not make dinner for yourself and toddler? He is being unreasonable about going out 4 nights a week though.

Celebelly · 06/08/2018 20:46

Stepford wife because you don't mind cooking for your DP grinIf someone said DP had dinner on the table every night people would have him on a pedestal saying what a great guy yet if a woman's doing it she must be a mug on down trodden. I don't judge others for their family dynamics

Would someone post a thread about it in AIBU if they 'didn't mind cooking for their DP' every night? It's obvious she doesn't want to have dinner on the table for him every night because she has a NEWBORN BABY as well as a toddler. If someone is happy to do it then that's fine because it's their choice, but this thread was made because he is demanding dinner on the table and expects her to start cooking it so it's ready when he arrives home and some people think that's OK. Which is messed up in so many ways.

Celebelly · 06/08/2018 20:47

But threads like this do some good as they make me oh so thankful for my own partner and our relationship dynamic! This will be yet another time I can go give him a hug and say 'I'm so glad you aren't a dick'.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 20:49

Stepford wife because you don't mind cooking for your DP

Sorry, did you read the OP and the subsequent posts? Or are they visible only to everyone else? Excepting sillydoggirl or whatever that was.

It is just a leeeetle bit more shitty and entitled complicated than this fatuous remark of yours suggests.

UpstartCrow · 06/08/2018 20:52

Do these men have any relationship with their children? Father figures from the olden days were cold, distant and disapproving. Why would men want that relationship with their kids these days?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 20:55

this thread was made because he is demanding dinner on the table and expects her to start cooking it so it's ready when he arrives home

Worse than that, he expects her to glue herself to an app so she can time it perfectly for him, even while she looks after a toddler AND A NEWBORN (i.e., her body will feel and look like she's done ten rounds with Muhammed Ali) and even then so that he can eat at his convenience before fucking off out again, as he does several times a week.

This is why Lauren's comment was so asinine. As if the only thing happening here is someone making dinner for their partner with absolutely no context!

Make him a braised tennis shoe, OP.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 06/08/2018 20:55

OP posts like this show why the whole feminist movement is completely wasting its time. If the OP needs to ask this question, on a supposedly liberal, progressive forum, there is something seriously wrong (and yes this husband is unreasonable; he is also an arrogant, entitled cunt).

Pengggwn · 06/08/2018 20:56

Or...dinner on the table, but put the table in the street?

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 20:56

The amount of time some of you spent with the hysterical comments you could of spent the time making your DPs lunch for tomorrow Wink

I do sympathise with OP if he won't help with the kids and demands she makes his tea but some of these comments are ridiculous, I don't judge people if their husband works 12 hours and expects his tea and doesn't get it, so don't judge those that will happily do it. She asked for opinions and got mixed ones, that's life

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 20:59

@AynRandTheObjectivist I read the OP and replied based on the info in the OP, I haven't got time to read all the posts if there's a drip feed about what a terrible person her DP is so get off your high horse with me. Chill out

Pengggwn · 06/08/2018 20:59

The amount of time some of you spent with the hysterical comments you could of spent the time making your DPs lunch for tomorrow wink

My DP makes his own lunch. He likes to read my MN comments on the sly, so I think, all things considered, he would prefer me to be making hysterical comments and himself to be making a sandwich.

sparklebumfluffybutt · 06/08/2018 21:00

@percheron67 Shock

I had to google that phrase and my mouth dropped open - that's horrible! Glad to hear you got rid!

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 21:00

@Pengggwn I think that sounds a very fair deal!

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 21:01

The amount of time some of you spent with the hysterical comments you could of spent the time making your DPs lunch for tomorrow

And you could have spent it improving your grammar and punctuation.

I do sympathise with OP if he won't help with the kids and demands she makes his tea but some of these comments are ridiculous, I don't judge people if their husband works 12 hours and expects his tea and doesn't get it, so don't judge those that will happily do it. She asked for opinions and got mixed ones, that's life

Which ones? The ones saying that no, expecting a postnatal woman with a newborn and toddler, who is on maternity leave, to time her servant duties around a man so he can fuck off again when it suits him are unreasonable?

You're more upset about women expressing their feelings about this than you are about said shitty man treating his postnatal wife like a slave?

Maybe don't worry about the spelling and punctuation. It's pretty clear that you don't think a woman needs to be smart. I wonder why that is.

IceCreamSunday87 · 06/08/2018 21:03

Jesus, he really has no clue does he!
I remember when mine were 19 months and a newborn, it was HARD going especially because you need to establish a new routine too (which takes time) and so sore from giving birth. We ate a lot of frozen foods then.
No way would I have had time to bloody track him on the way home and have dinner done by then! You'll be so busy. He must be having a laugh!! You'll be rushed off your feet caring for the babies and trying to run the house on top of sleep deprivation. He should be doing everything he can to help YOU.
What a selfish pig he is.
Mine are 3 and 19 months now, it does get easier, (in ways) but no chance would that have been possible when they were so small.
You need to have serious words and make sure you leave him alone with them for a whole day one weekend with a list of what needs doing too.
Ffs what planet he is even on Confused