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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 21:03

@AynRandTheObjectivist I read the OP and replied based on the info in the OP, I haven't got time to read all the posts if there's a drip feed about what a terrible person her DP is so get off your high horse with me. Chill out

You could have used the time of making your husband's lunch to read the OP's posts before commenting. You don't need to read all the posts but if you want to comment on the OP's situation, inform yourself as to what it is. You're really not that busy and important.

She is in a shitty situation. You're angrier with the women who tell her it's shitty than you are with the man who's treating her like a possession. What does that say?

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 21:07

Sorry forgive me, I thought I was posting on Mumsnet for a minute not sitting an English exam, my mistake. Have you finished? No ones trivialising PND so stop implying I am. I'm sure OP really appreciates you spending all evening defending her but have I said she is wrong? I shared my experiences and opinions which is what she asked.

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 21:07

@AynRandTheObjectivist I hope you're ok

rookiemere · 06/08/2018 21:08

To me what's really unreasonable is that he wants dinner to be ready so that he can minimise the time spent at home with his DW and young DCs to sod odd and do sports 4 nights a week.
Doesn't sound like much of a family man.

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 21:10

@AynRandTheObjectivist would love to listen to you going on at me all night but I really have to go, it's been erm.... nice chatting

mulberrybag · 06/08/2018 21:12

I did this, every night for ten v long years.
Why ? Because I didn't know any better, I didn't know it wasn't expected of me to do every single thing in the house and also bring up two kids. My mum had done it and I knew no different. Although inside I knew it was wrong and the building resentment that built up when he'd joke with our friends that he hadn't been in the kitchen for years and their shocked faces told me that it wasn't the norm although he'd worn me down so effectively I believed I had to as he was the bread winner. It was only really coming in here at the age of 35 that I began to get some sort of grown up education.
I feel so sad for my former self, unable to stand up and say 'actually, you know what, no!'
This is 2018 and you should be able to have a discussion about the sharing of house jobs, childcare etc. and the end result should be along the lines of mutual support in a way that you both feel taken care of.
I don't know, it feels like the more you let this go the more you'll end up how I was. Downtrodden and horribly sad and resentful.
Thanks

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 21:14

Thank you for your concern, I am absolutely fine. Why do you get so worried when women don't act like doormats?

No ones trivialising PND so stop implying I am. I'm sure OP really appreciates you spending all evening defending her but have I said she is wrong?

You made an asinine comment completely trivialising and misrepresenting her situation, as if it really were a simple matter of just making dinner for a partner. Then you made a snide remark effectively telling women to get off the internet and cook for their men. Were you trying to be funny? If so, you misread the crowd and, to use the industry phrase, died on your arse. The correct response when that happens is just to get off the stage and learn for next time.

You then claimed you didn't have time to read all her posts, but you sure seem to have read enough to be vituperative towards the women you don't agree with.

Anyway, don't you have lunch to make?

EvaHarknessRose · 06/08/2018 21:15

How is it fair that his life gets easier and more free and yours gets harder and more limited?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 21:16

How is it fair that his life gets easier and more free and yours gets harder and more limited?

Because he's the main earner, and once women have children, they are commodities.

ScattyCharly · 06/08/2018 21:17

He sounds selfish. All he is interested in is himself and his gym/going out.

What should be happening when he gets back is one of you look after Kids and the other cook.

Jeippinghmip · 06/08/2018 21:20

No it's not. After a day with a 19 month old and a newborn he should be cooking your bloody tea!

^ this +++

ravenmum · 06/08/2018 21:21

Trouble is, once you start providing the full hotel service, it never stops. You'll find yourself in ten years' time back in full-time work, and your dh still waiting for his dinner so he can go out and leave you at home with your sleeping children.

Give him access to an app that tells him when to drop his work on time to make you dinner. Same as he has given you.

GreenMeerkat · 06/08/2018 21:24

But threads like this do some good as they make me oh so thankful for my own partner and our relationship dynamic! This will be yet another time I can go give him a hug and say 'I'm so glad you aren't a dick'.

I did the same thing!

Frouby · 06/08/2018 21:25

Fuck.That.Shit.

I struggled to make a sandwich for myseld with a newborn and a 9 year old at full time school.

Best I could manage for months was wanging a load of shit in the slowcooker mid morning and dh dealt with it when he got home from work.

I remember a similar conversation with an ex 20 years ago. We both worked full time, no dcs. He was home between 5pm and 5.30pm. Me 6-6.30pm. After 2 months of living together he sat me down and said he wasn't happy with the lack.of structre with our meals, and he needed to know what he would be eating monday to friday. Saturday was take away/night out. Sunday he expected a roast 'like his mum used to do'.

Even at 20, 20 years ago I laughed in his face. Told him to plan,buy and cook if he wanted a set menu.

Tell your dh if he batch cooks all weekend you will set the microwave to ding as he walks through the door.

Heifer · 06/08/2018 21:27

How about on you get him to look after the toddler and baby all day Saturday (obviously you will be around to feed baby), and then he can also cook dinner for you for 6.00pm exactly. Lets see how he gets on.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 21:28

When my child was a newborn, I was a stressed, tearful, snivelling, postnatally depressed, sleep deprived, leaking, bleeding, wounded, pain-filled, sorry mess of a thing. I had both mums round and I dehydrated myself crying on both of them. They used to tag team so that I could sob on one of them while the other held the baby. That was with just the one child.

My husband made dinner and did all the housework until I got to a point where I could do more than simply keep myself and the baby alive. He used to make sandwiches for me in the morning then ring me at lunchtime to tell me to eat them. (My husband, incidentally, is also into rugby and sexual domination. Like I said, he told me to eat.)

If he had demanded that I not only prepare dinner every night, but use a fucking app to time it to perfection so he could fuck off out again, we would no longer be married. It's possible we'd be divorced but frankly it's more likely he'd have been widowed.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 21:28

I think going out up to 4 times a week is a lot....as you don't seem to get anything near that free time without the kids.

I think he's definetly being unreasonable.

Possible solutions are to bulk cook and freeze on the weekends when he's around to look after the kids.

Then he can defrost and hear it himself...but expecting a meal cooked everyday by 6pm ....for the next x number of months or years wouldn't work for me....and his insistence would make me less inclined to even try.

Has he ever had the kids for the whole day? He should give it a try one Saturday and prepare a meal by 6pm.

SilverPartyShoes · 06/08/2018 21:31

Give him a ready meal and salad every night. So about 5 mins work, and make sure its the same ready meal every night, and make sure you order on line, and they are stacked in the fridge. Salad can me tomatoes, salad and ready prepared lettuce.
I loathe ready meals, and hopefully he does too. Or a tin of soup and some bread.
Its a meal. He is unreasonable, has he arrived home in a time machine from the Victorian era ? When you can leave him all day with two children to look after :-)

Everyoneiswingingit · 06/08/2018 21:32

On one had it's reasonable that you are home so can prepare a meal. Doesn't have to be fancy. I was a SAHM and did this as it seemed fair. BUT, DH never asked me to and wouldn't be annoyed if I didn't. He also shared bath and bedtime and changes etc.

Graphista · 06/08/2018 21:37

I think you have bigger problems than this expectation from him, but this is indicative of his attitude to you and to women in general - which is appallingly selfish and sexist.

He's got a bloody nerve! Going out as often as he is and doing precious little at home when he is home. He may be working long hours but he gets breaks and you're essentially 'on' 24/7.

No! He needs to step up and be a parent not a part time lodger!

My now ex - who tried his luck on occasion - didn't even attempt this kinda shit! When dd was still very young he'd get in from work and either cook himself or take over baby duties while I cooked.

Personally I don't think he should be going out more than 2/3 Eve a week, he's not just a husband he's also a father now and he needs to be pulling his weight at home with parenting. I'd also recommend you get out 2/3 eve a week too even just for an hour or 2. If baby is very young that can be tricky while establishing bf but once they're about 6/8 weeks old it should be manageable.

"He doesn’t do much house work" seriously - this cannot be news to you WHY have you had DC with this selfish twat without at least attempting to address this attitude first? I don't understand women who do this.

Again - now ex - when we were first married and living together I did the bulk of the housework initially as I had moved to where he was based (army) and didn't have a job straight away BUT he still took turns cooking. He seemed to think I was there to pick up after him and to remove gym kit from bag to launder etc - soon disabused him of THAT idea. When I did get a job and was actually doing longer hours than him he seemed to think I'd still do most of the housework until a "heated discussion" one weekend when I made it very clear that ship ain't sailing! All this LONG before we ttc.

When dd was born he took 2 weeks annual leave (no pat leave then), and looked after me recovering from c section and establishing bf, took turns rocking dd at night and when he went back to work as I said he'd get in from work and either he'd cook and I'd do bath and change or vice versa, whoever cooked the other washed up and stuck a laundry on. The one who hadn't done this put the laundry in the dryer etc etc

He went to the gym in lunch break (had to maintain fitness for work), had one night out a week for a hobby but this was actually a responsibility as he was on a committee for a sport club. Once bf established I had one night out a week I went for a swim.

Your dh seems to be doing bugger all at home!

"Seriously do not enable this man anymore." Yep! "He'll expect you to do everything after you return to work, too" yep! "And don't blame his mother, he's an adult. He's capable of accepting that women aren't skivvies." Where's his father? He a lazy entitled shit too?

The '1950's' thing gets bandied about a lot on mn in reference to this sort of attitude - here's the problem with that - my parents and grandparents had 'traditional' marriages - that did NOT mean the men doing sod all! Under a traditional model the men did all the 'heavy' jobs - carrying shopping, DIY (and they did a lot more of this then!), putting the bins out, decorating, gardening, car maintenance PLUS they took responsibility for more of the mental load too - budgets and financing, organising wills, insurance, mot, booking holidays, booking babysitters, disciplining children... My dad eg always organised a meal out, babysitter, flowers, card and gift for their anniversary.

They also wouldn't dream of just dumping their clothes etc wherever expecting their wives to trail behind picking up after them, they put things away and tidied up after their own backsides because they were PERFECTLY CAPABLE ADULTS.

Men now that would CLAIM they're fulfilling a 'traditional' role actually aren't, they're just lazy.

ravenmum · 06/08/2018 21:38

She's not at home watching TV and doing her nails. She's at home feeding a newborn! Her physical location does no make it reasonable for her to wait on him hand and foot.

Teaandcrisps · 06/08/2018 21:39

Same difference in ages with my kids and hubby would come home regularly to messy home and no dinner on. As soon as he was thru the door I had a shower, some me time and he got to spend time with the kids. Dinner and looking after was joint affair. There was no time for hobbies for either of us for many years.
It's so so U for your OH to be asking/requesting/demanding this from you. And it's not just dinner is it - it's thinking about what to eat, buying the food, cooking and clearing up - is he proposing to do any of that too or all on your shoulders?
Stand your ground as this will not get any better if you don't nip in the bud.

percheron67 · 06/08/2018 21:39

Hello Sparkle - what a great name - it is quite an old fashioned phrase, I think. Thank you for being kind. I didn't actually get rid of him. He died many years ago. But it has taken years to get my mind back and I didn't want the OP to have the same experience. Sometimes, I think it takes a lot of time to pass before one's mind is in order again. Your good wishes really are appreciated.

Warpdrive · 06/08/2018 21:40

Pop a pot noodle by the kettle and flick the kettle on when the app says he’s 5 mins away.
He’ll get the message soon enough.

LeighaJ · 06/08/2018 21:41

Actually...on second thought make him the same meals I can "cook", a frozen one that goes in the microwave. 🤨

You can use that great app to know when to put it in the microwave and he can set the timer for it when he gets home so it's piping fricking hot.

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