Is my husband reasonable?

[Twickerhun]

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

How would he feel if at a weekend you both batch cook together. That way he can just reheat a meal for you most nights. The other nights you could alternate.

I know what I'd put on the table for him: a bottle of expressed breast milk and a rusk. Mmm!

I think when the baby is older it will be easier (currently I give our baby her tea and cook ours while she is eating and the toddler watches tv).

This is only a recent development and she is 8 months old.

Before that evenings were complete chaos with at least one of us crying at any one time. Everyone knows evenings with newborns are either witching hour(s) where the baby will only stop crying while you walk and sing and rock and pat at the same time, or its cluster feeding time where you're stuck on the couch for hours at a time. My husband came home one day and I was upset and in pain as somehow hadn't managed to go for a wee all afternoon (sounds crazy now). Add a tired toddler into the mix who is jealous of a new sibling and there is going to be no chance of you even grabbing a snack some days

He is being unreasonable

@AynRandTheObjectivist I know. Trust me I'm very opinionated when it comes to a father's role. I was using the same terminology as the poster. Mistake on my part I suppose

I know what I'd put on the table for him: a bottle of expressed breast milk and a rusk. Mmm!

This is actually genius. I'm so jealous that I didn't think of it.

He's being a total knob. And if you let him get away with it things - and his expectations - will go on being unreasonable.

Tell him to start cooking for you all three nights a week. And point out you'll also be going out (quite a lot) once not so tied with the baby.

@GreenMeerkat Thankyou, to be honest he does always offer but I don't mind doing it, if he did it it would probably stress me out more as I plan the shopping and weeks meals so I would rather him just stay out of it, he works full time and then takes gigs at weekend often working 7pm to 4am then he will be up at 6am Sunday for a family day and never ever complains. DS is an easy baby too which helps

Fuck that!
You have a new born!
There’s 2 things I dont like about this :

1. he expects it
2. he’s telling you to track him on an app - presumably so there’s no ‘reason’ (in his mind) why you shouldn’t be able to do this. Tell him no way, you’re not his fucking waitress. If you are feeling kind leave him 2 slices of bread out to toast and point him towards the dairy lea if he wants a quick tea.

AynRandTheObjectivist

It always shocks me how younger, modern men still act like it’s the 1950s. Obviously they’ve learned such crap behaviour from their parents, and so these stereotypical gender roles get perpetuated, as children today look up to parents like OPs plonker husband, and accept it as the norm.

It doesn't help when people say that a woman on mat leave - which is intended to help her recover from pregnancy and childbirth/section, and have some chance of functioning and looking after her baby in the aftermath of sleep deprivation, shell shock and a painful, changed, recovering body - is actually a SAHP.

That is precisely how women get forced into disenfranchised roles once they become mothers. There is of course nothing wrong with a mutual decision for one parent to stay at home, but this is not what maternity leave is, ffs. How do people not get that?

He is not BU.
Get the kettle on 5 mins before he gets home so that he can wolf down his pot noodle before he goes out.

Get him to help you, do dump bags..
You stick all the bits in a bag, freeze them.
Then take it out the night before and dump in the slow cooker... Next morning. You don't have to watch just eat when he comes home.

My word this brings back memories. I have only one child born when I was in my forties. About 3 months after the birth I was told to give a dinner party for business friends.. I managed - don't know how - and when my husband arrived home from work {after a visit to the pub} I said all was ready but could he just give the drawing room a quick final hoover. He looked at me, said "I don't keep a dog" and went for a shower.

It is only now when I read mumsnet comments and advice that I realise how truly awful he was! It has taken years and lots of therapy to be my normal self again. Take it from one who knows and don't let him push you around and bully you. My thoughts are with you.

Maybe once or twice a week... If I have my shit together that day and have planned an easy meal, but not every night fgs

When I returned to freelance work after DS was 6 months, we had a nanny who handed DH a clean, fed, ready to go to bed baby, for a few minutes cuddle and putting in the cot. I got in at about 11pm off a train, and ready for a whisky and bed. Sadly, she got pg again but never returned.

When (only) DS was a newborn, husband sorted dinner when he got in.

It's only since he's been weaned and we eat together that I really made any attempt to get back to cooking. And there's always the caveat that if DS is particularly 'busy' on an afternoon, it will be a quick dinner like pasta!

Can’t you just make him some really horrible dinners for a week?

Say MMMM this dinner is amazing when really it’s a whole chicken cooked in plain water on the hob for 6 hours!

Then continue the cycle of gross food. If he questions you, say you don’t have time for anything else

Hahahahaha nope.

My DH cooks three out of five week nights and he works full time.

I did this when i was on mat leave with a toddler. Cooked every day and didn't expect him to help with it. Even when he lost his job.
I also did all the night shifts because he was working.
It was because I'd been trained so well not to expect anything from him at all in the years before we had kids.

He became an ex as soon as I woke up and my children are being brought up to see relationships as a partnership where both parties are capable adults.
Life is much easier with two children on my own than it was carrying the weight of his expectations.

He sounds awful. AWFUL. Expecting you to slavishly check a fucking app every night so you can make sure it's all served piping hot for his return? Can't even be arsed to give you a quick call and check all's ok? And then goes out 4 nights a week with a newborn and toddler at home after all this? Cheeky fuck.

On the Unreasonable Scale, 9/10.

Get an Ella’s kitchen pouch out for your delightful OH - quite a good variety of flavours and organic too.
I couldn’t manage tea on the table with newborn and toddler. Hell, I can’t manage food half the time with a one year old. Bedtime doesn’t automatically mean baby down and asleep. I spent first year up and down like a yo-yo.
I think he is unreasonable. It’s a shame you can’t leave him with both kids during the day and go out and demand the same.
Personally, I don’t think I would be happy with him having that much time for hobbies in the eve. Free time should be split equal once he is home.

Hahahaha he's having a laugh!