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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
unadventuretime · 06/08/2018 21:01

count I agree with you. I don't think it's controlling of OP not to want to do solo childcare for a fortnight. And I dontbthibk that makes her an unhappy SAHM - you can be a happy SAHM and know that being happy depends partly on having a break now and then. OP, could someone else come and stay with you if your DH is away? I ask my mum or MIL to stay when my DH works away so I don't get lonely and can share the load a bit.

unadventuretime · 06/08/2018 21:01

I don't think*

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 06/08/2018 21:01

Haven't rtft but could you plan a special weekend away just you and your daughter on the same weekend? Or with others if you have maybe a close single parent friend or ask your daughter if she would like to take a friend?

If you're unhappy with your life and he doesn't want to change his job then that's obviously a huge issue which needs exploring somehow.
My son doesn't see his dad for months at a time (he only lives 30 mins away his dad just cba) and if he misses him I distract him by making plans with him or I let him call grandma or whatever.

It sounds so tough for you and your daughter. But he should go. His other family are important too. As long as he reciprocates (I'd make those plans too).

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 21:03

Oh well count if you have asked your husbands opinion then the debate is over!

Cracks me up when posters say they have consulted their H and therefore his opinion must carry more weight 😂

And I have never once called the op controlling or criticised her parenting.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 21:05

Thanks Count & Unadventure, there’s some lovely supportive posts here amongst the madness Smile

My family all abroad but DD and I will find company and stuff to do if DH goes away, we are very used to it.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 21:06

What madness?! People disagreeing with you?

pallisers · 06/08/2018 21:08

I say “awesome, thanks lovely. I’ll let the girls know”

So you don't tell him - you ask him if it suits him too.

And if he says "look, if you go that weekend it will mean I've been on my own for 3 weekends/weeks in a row on my own with the kids. Does it really have to be that weekend" I presume you wouldn't start saying "I don't need your permission"

I think we are all saying the same thing. It isn't about vetoing or permission. It is about being considerate of the person who is picking up the slack while you are away and not making arrangements that affect them without talking to them and getting the ok from them.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 21:09

No happy to be disagreed with but several people have taken my posts out of context, added in bits they’ve pulled out of thin air,have been deliberately obtuse and used arguments of false equivalence. Not unexpected but a bit odd.

OP posts:
WaterOffaDucksCrack · 06/08/2018 21:14

Could he book annual leave with you two for some time quite soon after? Then you will have something to look forward to together.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 21:33

palliser Not all of us see our kids as a burden and compare how many hours we have had them versus how many our partner has.

Life doesn’t work like that.

And yes I do tell my H I’m going away, he tells me too. You were then one talking about permission so no, we aren’t talking about the same thing at all.

CountFosco · 06/08/2018 21:34

Cracks me up when posters say they have consulted their H and therefore his opinion must carry more weight

Fuck that really annoys me too goes away for some self-flagellation

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 21:40

It seems unhelpful at best and cruel at worst to panic her by telling her that her child must be having issues because sometimes when she cries she asks for her dad

It's not sometimes. She said it was several times a day. As said my husband is ex forces, her kid is only two, she shouldn't be crying several times a day and take thirty mins to calm. I've been there. Have you?

And what madness op? You dispute that's folks disagreeing with uou, but it's blatantly obvious that's exactly what it is.

However your comment that he spends normally zero hours a week with her, max two, is concerning. This conflicts with the fact you say he's home every weekend, and although working.

Which is it? He goes weeks with zero to 2 hours contact a week or he's home every weekend?

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 21:41

I asked DH how he would feel if he was in the OP's position

Actually this annoys me, who gives a fuck what this posters husband thinks, what he has a penis so his opinion is what matters.

Yeah alright honey, jog off.

Clairetree1 · 06/08/2018 21:42

this is very odd.

Are you sure she actually misses him, rather than is just manipulating you?

i don't see why she would miss him. It isn't normal to miss someone who isn't normally there, not if you are two

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 21:45

Mon-Fri he spends 0-2 hours with her. I said “working week”. On the weekends he works from home and spends time with her around that. Time varies depending on how much work he has.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 21:47

So you both chose to have a child knowing he didn't live with uou during the week?

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 21:50

Op, honestly it sound like you are having a real go about him despite knowing his working hours prior to having a child. That’s unfair, and you can’t have it both ways.

I doubt he loves how little he sees his daughter, my dad has recently told me that he feels fad not being around more when I was a child.

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 21:57

YANBU. Your DD is tiny, she needs to see her dad regularly. An entire weekend away is unnecessary. If his job is so demanding it needs to be other parts of his life that suffer (at least while DD is so small) not his immediate family.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 22:01

If his job is so demanding it needs to be other parts of his life that suffer

Oh right, so for you he needs to suffer,

Right,

tildaMa · 06/08/2018 22:12

@DesperateHousewifeOfSW4, when was the last time you left the house alone, without DD?

Ask your husband one question: which whole weekend is he planning to spend exclusively with DD to make up to her for this?

Does he even care that he's risking his whole relationship with her?
At her age a few years more of this is not "short term". Soon she'll stop crying after him, stop asking about him. He'll just be the Disney Dad he's always been.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 22:19

A weekend away is NOT going to risk his relationship with his child.

tilda Would you say that to army fathers?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 22:26

Bluntness: He took the job when she was 1. We always knew it would be a big job but it has evolved to have more hours and more travel than initially anticipated.

I see from your comments that you chose to have children with someone who was in the military, would be away for months at a time and might not come home.

OP posts:
Threeminis · 06/08/2018 22:27

Definitely yabu
My dh worked away for long periods of time, I understand that part, let him go.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2018 22:40

Does he even care that he's risking his whole relationship with her?

He's not risking his whole relationship with his child due to one weekend don't be ridiculous.

Op, yes, I've been there, my husband was military, three months away three at home. My daughter didn't get upset, because it was her normal from about six months, when he was sent back to active duty from lecturing, and yes he came out, when she was 2 he handed his notice in and it was 18 months notice. He came out when she was three. Because she was asking randoms if they would be her daddy ie work colleagues of mine or if I was in the supermarket. I was ok with it.

If the job doesn't work for you guys, then he needs to exit. Money doesn't come first. If you and your daughter are not coping then he needs to find another job.

On the flip side, this is one weekend with his siblings. Not something I'd have had an issue with but we are all different. I worked. Had a childminder and was very independent. A weekend away would have been irrelevant to me, I did three months at a time. For you and your child it's a big deal

So you both need an honest discussion, explain uou cant cope, you're lonely. Even a weekend away is a problem for you, your child can't cope, she cries for him , and he needs to find another job. Money is not the priority here if you cant deal.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 22:55

Suspect I’m in for a long night with poorly DD so time for me to hit the hay.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to contribute, It’s been helpful and interesting reading your different perspectives.

OP posts: