DH’s weekend away

[DesperateHousewifeOfSW4]

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

If he only sees your daughter for 2 hours (on a good week) and perhaps one day over the weekend that is pretty dire. I'm not surprised you don't want him to go away.

The problem here is not that he wants to go on a weekend jaunt, the problem is his job. From what you've said, there doesn't appear to be a lot of room for negotiation on that front!

However, he cannot have it all his own way. An extremely demanding career that takes him away all the time, 6+ days per week, plus holidays without you. It's all too much and something has to give!

I would insist that he cuts back his working hours so that he can at least have entire weekends off. If that can happen and be a permanent fixture, then yes of course he can have the odd weekend away with friends/siblings.

I thought my situation was bad, my husband is away a lot too, but nowhere near as crap as what you describe. I couldn't live like that personally.

I do think it’s quite sad though that a group of adults are so unwilling to be flexible for the sake of a very small child who is missing her Dad.

They want a full weekend together as siblings. I don't agree that they're being inflexible at all. One weekend

Cracks me up when posters say they have consulted their H and therefore his opinion must carry more weight

Me too.

And if he says "look, if you go that weekend it will mean I've been on my own for 3 weekends/weeks in a row on my own with the kids. Does it really have to be that weekend"

I'd say
Not necessarily that weekend...but I'll do it the following weekend instead then.

Point being....I'm going away for a weekend. I'm not having it totally blocked because my child will miss me.

I went on holiday with Dsis for 10 says when my DC were 6 and 4. Of course they were going to miss me, I missed them too...but they were with their dad/DH.

Your DD already only sees her dad for a short amount of time a week. One weekend doesn't make much difference in the grand scheme of things.

His goal should be getting a job where he spends more time with her during the week....and for you...it must feel like being a single parent with a husband.

Does your DD get to play with other children?

You could do with finding local groups and trying to make friends to build yourself a social network. I know you aren't expats...but maybe the expat community would be something to look into. That's assuming there is an Expat community where you live.

The problem here is not that he wants to go on a weekend jaunt, the problem is his job

This. The one off weekend with his siblings is irrelevant. You're all but a single parent. The man doesn't live with You during the week and at weekends he is absent for half of it. So he spends a day a week with you and your daughter, that's the main issue. He's checked out totally and you're lonely and resenting it

That's what needs to be dealt with.

I don't think you’re being unreasonable OP. Your DH has a full on job, at the weekend his DD should come first. He can see his siblings for dinner / for a day. He doesn’t need to go away all weekend. Hope you resolve it.

palliser Not all of us see our kids as a burden and compare how many hours we have had them versus how many our partner has.

Not that I said any of that but you definitely win the MN virtue-signalling combined with insulting a poster bingo there nicknacky - well done you!

@Nicknacky in case you missed it, OP's husband is not in military.

@Bluntness100 you have a very unusual definition of "normal" if your toddler DD asking randoms if they would be her daddy classifies as such.

I never said that was normal, but three months with no contact, is a very long time for a very young child, and yes a Male work colleague read her a bed time story and she asked him if he would be her daddy now, and she also said "dada, to a man in the supermarket, when she was about a year old, much to his wife's horror.

I'm fairly sure at that age, this happens for lots of military children. Particularly thr one where the parent is no contact for the time they are deployed.

What's your point?

"AIBU to veto the weekend away?"

The context is pretty immaterial here; the issue is the way you treat your 'partner'.

The context is pretty immaterial here; the issue is the way you treat your 'partner'.

Actually the context is the way he (and his family) are treating her and their daughter. She wouldn't be posting here if he was a more involved father and husband or if his family welcomed her into their family and showed an interest in their granddaughter and niece.

@CountFosco

Does your husband have a veto over what you do? Mine wouldn't be my husband if he thought he did.

He has opinions of course, but that's completely different.

tilda I know he isn’t in the army. You are the one saying he is risking his relationship with his child by not seeing her enough to that’s why I asked if you would say that about army dads (or indeed army mums)

Not all of us see our kids as a burden and compare how many hours we have had them versus how many our partner has.

I think there's a big difference between seeing your kids as a burden and not wanting the other parent to check out for 12 days in a row, some of which is optional, and when you have limited support nearby. It's ok to choose to be a SAHM and happily do nearly all the childcare and still want a small break now and then. (That's why I suggested OP's DH take some time off just before or after the weekend away, so she gets a bit of a break then.)

count Why are you so determined that he ISNT an involved dad? The op says herself he is a great dad and is very involved, he just works long hours. He isn’t a deadbeat dad by any stretch if the imagination.

unadventure I was referring to the posters who were saying “oooh I’ve had the kids two weekends in a row” type. The guy is working, not spending all weekend at the pub. He wants ONE weekend away. Thats all.

If you choose to be a stay at home mum then don’t complain you are with the kids more than your partner.

There are quite a lot of posters on mumsnet who hold some questionable views about a man’s role in a family...in that as a husband and father he has no further need of outside interests or relationships beyond that role and that to maintain them is inappropriate and selfish.
I strenuously disagree with that mindset as a whole.

If that makes me a ‘cool wife’ then fine...I’m a cool wife. And thank fuck.

It's ok to choose to be a SAHM and happily do nearly all the childcare and still want a small break now and then

Are you maybe under the illusion that he goes away socialising for the weekend all the time? It's the only explanation for what you're posting.

To be clear, this appears to be a one off.

There are quite a lot of posters on mumsnet who hold some questionable views about a man’s role in a family...in that as a husband and father he has no further need of outside interests or relationships beyond that role and that to maintain them is inappropriate and selfish

Yup. Then people wonder why divorce is so common.

Ah, now I see that you moved to his country for his new job I understand your frustration a lot more. With no family or close friends around it would be a lonely weekend. I also see that I would be cheesed off that his family couldn’t arrange something that involved you all seeing as you made the sacrifice to go and live there.

"There are quite a lot of posters on mumsnet who hold some questionable views about a man’s role in a family...in that as a husband and father he has no further need of outside interests or relationships beyond that role and that to maintain them is inappropriate and selfish"

But what about the wife, the SAHM, who presumably gets no chance to pursue interests or relationships outside of the home, because she is on childcare duty 99% of the time.

If anyone needs to prioritise having 'me' time, it should be her!

The husband already travels extensively with work and has a varied and interesting life it would seem. Meanwhile the OP is living in Groundhog Day.

Sorry OP - i agree with you. YANBU. He travels what - 70%? On top of this he now wants to go away with his family? You are his family. His daughter is his family. Pretty selfish. My husband used to travel 70% of the time - it gets lonely.

If anyone needs to prioritise having 'me' time, it should be her!

Yes because spending five days a week working hard, travelling hundreds of miles and staying in hotels on your own is so bloody glamorous and exciting. Barely being at home is exactly what everyone would choose.

It's not either or, everyone should have some me time.

She chose and agreed to this. I really hate it when people post like women are slaves who are incapable of making decisions and have no responsibility for their lives.

If it doesn't work for her she needs to talk to him. She can get a job, childcare. If she's in another country move back, ask him to get another job. It makes no sense for her to be in another country if he's not at home all week.

This is one weekend. It's irrelevant to the wider picture. If she's not happy she needs to deal with it, as will he.

It's not either or, everyone should have some me time

Exactly, apparantly he works so his life is varied and interesting and hers is ground hog day because she's a stay at home mum.

Both of thrm deserve breaks. Not just her.

Personally I think YANBU... my husband is a workaholic and whilst he doesn't travel he might as well do given the late nights and early departures. I'm not a SAHM but I've been on mat leave for the last 6 months and I totally get why you want him to give this time to your daughter and not his carefree siblings, I'm the exact same. I know that a day with attention from his dad is a massive treat that my son (3) loves and so I want him to have as much of that as possible. If the father isn't seeing the children much if at all through the working week then weekends are everything. To go away for a whole weekend means the child doesn't see the father for nearly 2 weeks which is ages in their little lives. Also, I know you say this is about your daughter not you, and I totally get that, but it should still be a bit about you as you don't get the help, or time with your husband either through the week.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people maintaining relationships outside the nuclear family but I just think you need to be realistic that if you have a demanding career and young children, everyone else should take a back seat for a few years. Sunday lunch with all the families together = brilliant, weekend away with children left behind = not ok (for now).