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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/08/2018 19:27

I don’t think any parent of a child still in diapers should be traveling solo

What pure and utter nonsense.

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 19:29

I completely 'get' that a lot of mums find the toddler stage a bit lonely, that it's not everyone's cuppa tea leaping around all fours at tumble tots. But it's quite a short stage and you've got to make the most of it. Sounds to me like OP needs adult friends in the same position....you've just got to put yourself out there a bit and do it. Someone's gotta go out earn the crust and you can't be staring out the window waiting for hubby to be the saviour. I know I couldn't. In actual fact, when my DH was around a bit too much he got on my nerves.....quite happy to Wave him off to work sometimes! 😁 Absence makes the heart and all that!

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 06/08/2018 19:36

I'd get my child ready for the next stage: growing independence. That would be my priority. If your DH has to work then he has to work. That's life.

I would encourage my DH to take one weekend away with his siblings. When he comes back from his weekend then the next available one should be a weekend where he does most, if not all, of the parenting and you have some time for yourself.

In a weekend there should be time for each parent (even if it's as little as an hour or so each) and time together as a family. Stick to it and children see it as normal family life.

OrchidInTheSun · 06/08/2018 19:45

I found the toddler stage soul-destroying. That's why I went back to work. I understand that some people have to stay home because the finances just don't allow them to work but that isn't the case here.

If your choices aren't working for you, then change them. Because the OP has choices. Thousands don't.

lapenguin · 06/08/2018 19:59

I mean I'd be annoyed that he'd take a weekend off for this but won't take a few days off for you guys off as a family too...

SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 20:05

Bluntness100
I have rtft. Have you? If you had you would see I had already commentated.
Nothing the op has said indicates, by itself, that her child is abnormal without a lot of extrapolation and projection.

It seems unhelpful at best and cruel at worst to panic her by telling her that her child must be having issues because sometimes when she cries she asks for her dad.
My dd did that when I was looking after her, especially when dh was working away. (She asked for me when her dad was looking after her!)
Most of the time it was because she was already worked up about something else/hangry/had hurt herself etc.
When dh was working away, she would normally get sad at bed times as this is when she would realise he was away iyswim.
As she got older, she would normally say "I want daddyyy..." when she was upset at being told off! (eg because "mummy was being mean".)

If we watched dh drive off in the morning, sometimes she would wave through the window, other times she would cry (and then cheer up again shortly after).
When I worked full time she would cry when I/dh dropped her off, and she would cry when I/dh picked her up.

When dh went through a long period of working normal 9-5 hours, dd was fine about him leaving for work. But if dh went away with work for a week, for the next few weeks after he came back dd would be very upset at daddy going to work (she was not sure when he would be coming back and was suspicious he wouldn't be back in the evening).

She is 4 now, and it is easier because she has a better concept of time but she still misses and asks for her dad when he works away. I live in an area where many people work offshore (oil industry) and have observed this behaviour in other young children. An overtired child will ask for daddy when upset about something and the frazzled looking mother will explain that their dh has been away for the last 2 weeks.

Two year olds cry.
Young children will miss their parents if they don't see them for a while, and will become clingier upon their return.

I don't see what's so surprising about that!

SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 20:12

Reading between the lines, I am guessing the op may not be able to legally allowed to work (maybe for Visa reasons?).

op, you should look into putting your dd into a nursery, or a childminder - maybe just a couple of sessions a week - so that you can do something else. Even if that isn't work. You could do a regular hobby, or even do some part time studying?
Something out of the house though (rather than an online course).
It sounds like you have enough family money to do this, and it sounds like you would benefit from it.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 20:20

Not able to keep up with the thread as DD has come down with a bug and DH away. Thanks Squishy, appreciate it’s hard to get an accurate picture of a child from the internet and maybe I haven’t described it well but agree that DD’s behavior isn’t abnormal, most of my friends with husbands who work away go through similar things. No panic here!

Interesting to read everyone’s perspectives. Happy to concede it’s not very reasonable for me to flat out refuse he go, that isn’t in the spirit of our relationship and 1 weekend isn’t a huge deal. I do think it’s quite sad though that a group of adults are so unwilling to be flexible for the sake of a very small child who is missing her Dad.

Also a bit concerned about all the sterotyping going on about SAHMs! Thanks for the concern but I’m hardly chained to the stove weeping into my crossstich and even if I worked as many hours as DH I’d still be sad at the time DD was missing out on with him. They maybe spend 1-2 hours together on a good working week (but often 0 hours) so the weekends are really the only opportunity quality time together, and even then it’s not long. As other posters have mentioned he misses a lot, if it were me I wouldn’t want to spend any more time away from her than necessary.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 20:25

Why do you think it’s sad? Do you honestly think you in laws should be including a 2 year old on a weekend away?! I didn’t even take my own 4 year old with me when I went away a couple of weeks ago!

CountFosco · 06/08/2018 20:26

But how many of you live in a foreign country, don't work and have a husband who works away all the time? It's not the same as saying 'I'm going to the pictures with my mates tonight'. It is taking the piss if he expects her to do childcare for two whole weeks without a break. She doesn't have family or friends nearby to help lighten the load. She's lonely. But hey, none of that matters because her DH must go for a weekend away that his siblings are refusing to invite her too. And she can't protest because he's got her exactly where he wants her in a gilded cage where she's suppose to feel lucky because she can't doesn't need to work.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 20:26

Op, do you actually live abroad?

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 20:27

Ok count we get it. You wouldn’t allow your H to go but I’m not wrong for “allowing” mine to go on a break without us.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 20:30

I grew up on another continent, all my family and close friends are there. We don’t have family help from DH’s side due to unwillingness. I have some nice friends here but they’re not really close enough yet to invite on a weekend away.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 06/08/2018 20:34

The whole set up does sound a bit sad, but then I guess it is like that for military wives etc and everybody gets used to it. Your DH and you have made a decision to live and work like this so as to be financially stable in the future. My only worry would be that in years to come he regrets losing the time spent with his daughter and you. But I guess thats the same for a lot of families. I do think though that you have both made this decision so have to live with the fact that your child is often upset. I guess that is something that you didn't consider at the time. Maybe you both need to try and compromise, maybe he cuts down his hours and you work part time?

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 20:36

I think some posters think you have moved abroad and are on your own but that doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

callmeadoctor · 06/08/2018 20:37

Plus you have said on the opening post that you barely see him! Maybe something needs to change?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 20:39

NickNacky I have moved here away from my family and friends. DH and his family is here.

Yep absolutely agree that this arrangement was a mutually decided decision and we always knew it would be hard. There’s been a lot more travel than we originally anticipated but the situation isn’t going to change for a while.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 06/08/2018 20:42

It’s not at all “sad” that adult siblings wish to spend one weekend away with each other.

The “small child who is missing her Dad” is missing him because of his working hours and travel - which only you can both decide work for your family overall or not - not the occasional social arrangement.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 20:43

Apologies it was the way you worded your post that you had grown up on another continent that made me think you hadn’t emigrated for your husbands job.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 20:46

Sorry I’m knackered and covered in vomit, probably not making myself very clear!

OP posts:
serbska · 06/08/2018 20:52

so all you people who don't "seek permission" etc you just waltz in and TELL your husband he is minding the children for a full weekend or week or whatever and if he tries to stop you you'll divorce him

I say “we are thinking of a girls trip to New York in October on x weekend - what have you got on?”

He says “oh Bill wanted to do a cycle ride on the Saturday but nothing in the diary on Sunday so I can sort out cover for the cycle and man the fort”

I say “awesome, thanks lovely. I’ll let the girls know”

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 20:55

Why is it sad to want to spend time with your siblings? Family should never be dropped just because of marriage and kids. They will always remain family.

One weekend isn't the issue here, the issue is you have both chosen to have him work and travel for so much of the week and that's why he's not seeing his child. He could move jobs if it was an issue for him.

Thesearepearls · 06/08/2018 20:57

Dunno what planet people are living on when they feel entitled to "veto" a weekend away for their partners.

Marriage is an act of constant compromise and give and take. You don't veto something that you feel unhappy about. You talk you discuss and you reach a resolution.

If your DH wants a weekend away with his siblings then that sounds fine to me. You're looking at this in such a single minded way without thinking about him or his wellbeing. Say he works 60-80 hours a week (as I do) say he is a good father (as you have done) then why on earth would you veto this? Or more worryingly feel that you have the power to veto.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2018 20:58

sometimes when men (it’s almost always men) are away from their DC at work all weekdays frequently, it becomes the norm and doesn’t feel a big deal to take more time away.

Several people close to me had fathers like that.

CountFosco · 06/08/2018 20:58

I asked DH how he would feel if he was in the OP's position, he wouldn't want me to go away for a weekend in that situation either. It's different from a life when you both work locally so are home every night, have extended family nearby and can spend time together as a family during the week. I never said anything about my marriage or indeed about yours Nicknacky so I don't think you have any evidence to make accusations. I do think it's very unfair to call the OP controlling when she wants to have the weekend as family because her DH spends so little time with them during the week. I also think it's unfair to criticise her parenting. I also said in my first post that he should do the childcare so the OP could also have a weekend. She is not in a typical situation and however cool you might be about your DH going away for the weekend that is irrelevant to the OPs situation unless you too are a SAHM doing all the childcare while your DH travels for work and your ILs do nothing to help.