DH’s weekend away

[DesperateHousewifeOfSW4]

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

I think you have a fair point. From what you described your DH doesn’t have a whole weekend for anyone. Realistically he could only spend a day/half day with his siblings because of his work commitments, and family responsibilities. It’s not like he is abandoning his siblings forever, it’s just a stage of his life and of course they might not realise this as they haven’t got children yet.

The issue is perhaps that he is able to free up an entire weekend for his siblings but not his wife and child?

In that context, it doesn't matter if it's just one weekend. It's the fact that he will do it for his siblings but not his wife and child.

How long have you been in dh's country op? Would it be possible for you all to move back to your country so that you have more support during the long hours when dh is working? If dh works away a lot perhaps he doesn't need to be based in his home country?

And definitely agree with ShumpaLumpa. If he's able to free up the weekend for siblings why can't he do it for op?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people maintaining relationships outside the nuclear family but I just think you need to be realistic that if you have a demanding career and young children, everyone else should take a back seat for a few years. Sunday lunch with all the families together = brilliant, weekend away with children left behind = not ok (for now).
^^ This!

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people maintaining relationships outside the nuclear family but I just think you need to be realistic that if you have a demanding career and young children, everyone else should take a back seat for a few years. Sunday lunch with all the families together = brilliant, weekend away with children left behind = not ok (for now

What a shitty way to think someone should be treated, if you've a demanding job you're not allowed down time without your family.

As said before no wonder so many people end up divorced if that's the attitude.

They should both get down time. Their lives both sound stressful, but in different ways.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for people maintaining relationships outside the nuclear family but I just think you need to be realistic that if you have a demanding career and young children, everyone else should take a back seat for a few years. Sunday lunch with all the families together = brilliant, weekend away with children left behind = not ok (for now)

Yep.

Please don't twist what I said @Bluntness100 . Of course everyone needs their time without children - I'm the first to insist upon it for myself - but when the father only sees the child probably one day a week (given he also works half the weekend) then I think it's quite selfish of him to take a whole weekend to go away without the child and wife.

As others have said it sounds like OP and her daughter only get small snatches of time with him so to me, if he can free up a whole weekend it should be for them (especially the child) above siblings.

I'm shocked how many people agree with you.

When my husband came put the military my job evolved to be one that was busy and I travelled a lot. I'd have been horrified if my husband said to me, right that's it for you, you've no time away now, you're not allowed out for the weekend, you work, you bring in the money and then you'll fucking stay at home every other time. That's your life now.

I really don't think our marriage would have lasted.

YABU not to compromise on this occasion as he's seeing his siblings.

YANBU to feel parents don't generally need weekends away without the family, you can stay single and childless if you want that, but where circumstances make it appropriate (work, treats, family reunions, perhaps stags/hens, stress, convalescence and so on) you would be R to be flexible rather than hard line about it.

Sounds like you have a very reasonable husband. For what it worth, whilst my husband is a workaholic, I do longish hours too and am the main breadwinner, so I'm juggling the same challenge. I get my alone time in small chunks eg a pedicure during nap time or a dinner with friends after children are in bed. It will only be like this for a few years. For now I think they don't see as much of me (or my husband) as I'd like so every minute I can give to them is precious.

You & DD don't seem to be included in anything, so it's about context of whole relationship for you. That's how Im reading it. It sounds a lonely relationship.

H works away barely sees wife & child, and on a weekend off wants to spend it on a 'no partners' break with family?!

Why no partners do they think they're Lads & Ladettes? Is it about 'getting away from partners' (those pesky people) for a bit? Only he's well away from you already isn't he so, what's to get away from?

Why when he barely sees you and DC, can he not book a weekend away the 3 of you together or if you can get childcare, just the 2 of you - or even, horror of horrors, spend a weekend here with you, perhaps drive to somewhere pretty and chill out?

Of course couples can holiday separately, I holiday with DP yearly, then normally me & mates will either do a Europe long weekend or week. My parents live 5000 miles away abroad so there are times I go off to see them too, sometimes DP & DC join me, sometimes they don't. Went with a friend in June.

A relationship is not a relationship if 1 partner simply isn't present. How can you bond in a relationship if he's not around? Your life moments are separate

Money isn't everything in a relationship. It doesn't have to mean everything to you. Re your H, working is no excuse to be living what is essentially a single life, when you're on longer single you're married and that does entail compromise and some changes.

As uninteresting as that may sound, it is what it is, you can compromise without being welded at the hip, but mega-distance isn't conducive to a good, lasting relationship.

I'm trying to work out from your post whether this man does any childcare or has 1-1 time with his own DD. Doesn't sound like it.

Is he running a country? 🙄

Bluntness you seem to be having difficulty grasping the issue here. DH gets down time. I happily cover him when he wants to go to the cinema or out for dinner with a friend. He does the same for me. We both need down time, of course.

What is not ok is when that down time doesn’t work for the other members of the family. The weekend away doesn’t work for DD, and it doesn’t work for me. At this stage in our lives I would never expect DH to take DD for a whole weekend unless it was exceptional circumstances. Why? Because it’s not fair for him to work long hours then not have any break on the weekend, perhaps deal with a lot of broken sleep etc which will have knock on effects into the next week. Why should I not be afforded the same courtesy? I work the same hours as him at home, technically longer because I am up at night a lot and he gets full nights sleeps plus lie ins.

The weekend with siblings is not an exceptional circumstance or a special occasion. There are plenty of options between “never seeing siblings again” and going abroad for 2-3 days. I’m happy to support many of those options.

Bluntness, why won't you grasp that the issue is not the DH going for a weekend away with his siblings, it's the fact that he is never 'off-duty' a whole weekend for his wife and child but happy to devote a whole weekend to his siblings.

It's the inequality that stings here, not him wanting to travel without his wife.

My husband went off to Japan for 2 weeks. I decided not to go with him and waved him off happily. But I can still sympathise with OP's situation.

Odfod, I've already posted on that and stated she needs to deal with the wider issue.

How about you grasp it's a good idea to read the thread.

As Bluntness says, no wonder the divorce rate is so high. I wonder how many people realised when they married the person they love that they were signing over their life, lock, stock and barrel. There are so many posts here in the vein of "won't tolerate", "told him" and now "veto", when did marriage become a dictatorship? It's counterproductive because in the end the person subjected to this just walks away, often into the arms of someone who doesn't make constant demands of them.

I don't disagree with you @Bluelady about your divorce rate point but what is the alternative? I'd love to be a chilled out supportive wife that happily waves my husband off on weekends away and nights out with friends (and believe me he'd jump at the chance) but then that forces me into full time childcare in my own, and it means my children don't see their dad for another week. I can't see how that's better for me or - more importantly - the children.

Lulu, but don't you have friends, opportunities to go out?

The point is it's a balance. No one should be 100 percent child care, or 100% work or child care

Both parents should have occasional time out on their own, with friends, family etc.

I understand what you're saying entirely, my point was really about attitude. I well know how lonely it can be with a partner only home at weekends, most of my married life has been that way but I'd never tell mine or veto anything - ask, suggest, request, yes but never demand. Surely it's not beyond anyone's wit to negotiate down time for both parties in a reasonable way?

Totally agree it's about balance. I do have some friends, but not many! Most have their own children so we get together with them.

@OP I agree in principle, but the place I would be coming from is that it would be a wonderful thing for him and I'd facilitate it because of that. I mean why not really it's one weekend of probably brilliant memories. Assuming you want to take care of each other, you can also ask that he afford you a similar block of time off yourself, afterwards- kindness rewarded which doesn't often happen.

I don't understand why people think a person has a right to time off on holidays without family, if you get married and start a family you basically lose the right to that sort of thing until you retire, I'm surprised there are so many people who think/expect otherwise and wouldn't be surprised if the expectation of existing as a singleton was a bigger contributor to divorce rates than the opposite.

Still, every marriage/family is different, what works for one couple would be the worst thing ever for another, so I suppose I shouldn't judge.

I don't understand why people think a person has a right to time off on holidays without family, if you get married and start a family you basically lose the right to that sort of thing until you retire

Wow. Just wow.

Did you explain to your spouse before you got married they were giving up the right to even a weekend away without you until they retire?

That's quite shocking.

You're definitely right @Bluelady but that's not quite as cathartic as yelling outraged expletives at the poor sod (in my experience )

Odfod, I've already posted on that and stated she needs to deal with the wider issue.

Bluntness your posts don't show you've grasped it. It's all very wel saying OP needs to address the wider issue but the current issue still exists. Which is that it's unfair for him to give a whole weekend to his siblings but not husband wife and child.

And I won't fuck off, dear, you're not the thread police. Stop trying to bully people off the thread. Calling yourself 'bluntness' didn't give you a a license to be a dick.

Eh, I amnt going to respond to you again, what I do and do not grasp is really none of your business.

Focus your bullying and condescending attention on someone else. Leave me out of it.

There's a dear.