AIBU to have told my son to leave my house and never come back.

[solopam]

My son recently turned 16 and I have never really had any bother from him apart from general teenage strops etc but this weekend he has really pushed me to my limit

sorry for long winded but alot has happened

He broke up with his girlfriend last week im not sure of the reasons as he wouldnt tell me, early Friday morning i was woken up with the front door closing when I went to investigate it was my son, I thought he was coming in even although he had been in his bedroom when I had gone to bed, I looked out and saw a girl (not his ex) leaving our garden so then realised the door had been opened for her to leave rather than for him to come in. I asked him what was going on but he told me it was none of my business and went to his room.

Later on I asked him again who the girl was and why she had been in our house until that time in the morning and reminded him that he was not allowed to have girls staying over, he got angry and told me to stay out of his business and stormed out. I called his father (we are separated) he said he would speak to him.

Son came home that evening and half heartedly apologised I told him that it was not to happen again and as far as I was concerned that was it forgot about.

Yesterday afternoon son came in with ex girlfriend and they told me they have got back together, I was pleased as shes a really nice girl and there has never been any issues between them apart from breaking up last week (I still don’t know why) they spent the afternoon in my house and then they went out for the evening.

I went to bed and woke up at 2am and could hear them having sex it was really loud they were literally making no attempt to to hide it, I knocked on his door and they went quiet and my son shouted 2 mins and then opens his door and all I could smell was alcohol from him, I asked him what was going on but he could barley string a sentence together he just kept laughing, the girl who was with him was not his girlfriend, I told her to leave and told my son to get to bed as I didnt think there was any point speaking to him the state he was in. I sat up the rest of the night worried because of how drunk he was. the girl that was in his room I am sure wasn’t the girl who had left on Friday morning and its not his girlfriend.

I woke my son up this morning and asked him what the hell he thought he was playing at he got angry and I got angry and I ended up telling him to get out and not come back, I called his father but be basically cant see the problem with whats happened he just thinks that he’s a teenager and is bound to get drunk and sleep with girls and that I was wrong to throw him out

chocolate why not? She sounds perfectly sensible to me...

Because she sounds fucking judgemental? I wouldn't want her teaching my kids either.

The OP has acknowledged that she does not want to literally kick her son onto the streets. Being a human under pressure she snapped and said something she did not mean. She can apologise for this - to set a good example - and still make it very clear that that his actions are wrong and set an appropriate sanction.

Hope conversations go OK.

TBH, Re sex, the horse has bolted now, he's having sex, it is legal (as long as girl is 16+), I would say it is better that he is doing it in your house than on a friend's sofa or a park bench, so it might be best to accept him sleeping with girls at home as it's safer for everyone, IMO. But asking him not to get blind drunk, and to be considerate to other people in the household!

Re sleeping with girl other than girlfriend who he says he's back together with - maybe worth having a talk with him about respecting women. He'll be getting a lot of messages about how 'real men' have loads of casual sex and shouldn't be such wusses that they'll let something like having a girlfriend stop them sleeping with who they want. It's worth saying you're disappointed that he behaved that way and you expected him to have a better attitude than that.

Terrible behaviour from your DS. I'd be telling him I'd let his GF know he's sleeping with other girls so she should find herself someone else.

I wouldn't want the poor girl to get an STD while he's shagging around while drunk and probably incapable of thinking of contraception and protection.

Clearly him and his dad are on the same page.

I can totally understand why you were fuming.

“And if you claim to be a teacher, have some empathy for a struggling PARENT”

I’m pretty sure any teacher’s legal duty is to protecting the welfare of the CHILD.

Some of you are in for a shock if you think you can (threaten to) throw a child out without any professionals involved in your child’s life making judgements about your parenting, and reporting you to the necessary child protection agencies.

I think it shows how very different we all are in how we bring our children up. Some parents are very loose in their parenting and have almost no rules or boundaries.

Others want to bring their children up with values and to respect others.

Any parent who has a "just chill" response to the behaviour of the OPs son is not setting appropriate boundaries for their child.

It normalises the behaviour and quite frankly 3 sex partners in as many days is concerning....not least because he's cheating on one of them.

If a parent doesnt guide their child and teach then what's right...setting goid values...then who will?

"Your 16 year old son is behaving in a fairly normal slightly rebellious way and you want to chuck him out"

No she doesn't want to chuck him out. She said something in anger that she regrets, during an argument, probably in response to him saying something equally awful. She knew he would go to his dad. She feels he would also know that she didn't reallymean it, because they usually have a good relationship.

Has no one ever said something they regret, even to their own child? Women at the end of their tether with babies and toddlers get a lot of support on here. Parenting teenagers is just as hard but people are a lot more judgemental if you get it wrong I've noticed. Maybe because their dc aren't that age yet, I don't know.

A terrible parent wouldn't have given it a second thought. Instead, op posted here for advice and is meeting him today to sort it out. They love each other, they usually get on, this is out of character for both of them. I highly doubt that the domesday scenarios on here will come to pass.

OP, if he's usually lovely I'm sure you can reach an agreement and I hope his dad supports you.

Hopefully when the dust settles he'll have learnt not to disrespect you, your home and women generally. He'll learn that issuing the 'let me do what I want or I'm leaving' card doesn't work.

"Some of you are in for a shock if you think you can (threaten to) throw a child out without any professionals involved in your child’s life making judgements about your parenting"

What a load of fearmongering bollocks.

'We had a big row about him shagging randoms at 2am and he threatened to go to his dads, so I told him to go forever. The next day we all got together and sorted it out.'

The professionals I know would be shaking her hand.

His life is more likely to be blighted by receiving the message that it's ok to get pissed and wake your household up (5yo sister in the house too remember) shagging strangers than getting the telling off of his life from his mum.

The last two posts are excellent.

There are a lot of posters displaying worrying levels of right-on parenting. Did you miss that the OP has a 5-year-old in the house too? So it’s ok for her to witness random shaggers coming and going?

The OP was quite right to blast off at her ds. He won’t be going anywhere. He needs to know right from wrong, not how “cool” his mum is.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from your son OP. This is where male entitlement comes from, and you are right to be concerned.

To those who say, essentially, boys will be boys, are enabling them to become selfish men who care only about themselves. PPs are right saying this boy is not only disrespecting you, but putting these girls at risk of STIs and pregnancy (we don’t know if they used protection), and may have rape charges thrown at him if they were drunk.

His poor girlfriend will learn a sad lesson about men ....

I think you know, however, that it was wrong to say “never come home” to your sixteen-year-old, and I hope that the talk later goes well. Hopefully he can learn to have some respect for women—and his mother.

RainySep spot in posts. Completely agree on the fear mongering posts. No wonder there are so many twattish men if this thread is any indication.

Chocolaterainbows

Your a secondary school teacher??

Wouldn't want you teaching my kids hmm

You wouldn't want someone that puts the child first to teach your child, that is really fucked up.

harshbuttrue1980 " You sound incredibly unstable."

How incredibly unsupportive of a single mother struggling with this alone. She posted here upset and looking for advice, well aware that telling him to leave forever was over the top and regrets it. Sanctimonious responses like yours were never designed to help though, were they?

Tbh I'm more shocked at all the people who keep shouting that his behaviour is normal. It isn't.

I’m pretty sure any teacher’s legal duty is to protecting the welfare of the CHILD.

And you can’t also have empathy for the parent? Some people can’t think and chew gum at the same time.

I think the problem is that he is 16 and this is happening, when really it needed to be prevented years ago. And I say this as a mother of a ds(16) myself. It’s all the conversations about sex, about consent, about self respect, about alcohol, in the preceding years.
But you are where you are now, and he needs to hear that you love him despite his bad choices. He needs to think how he would feel if his sister was in his gf’s shoes in 10 years time (I’m guessing he’d want to lamp the guy!) And you all need to figure out a way forward.
I’ll also say that like a pp I had “chill” parents who let me do stuff like this as well. I’d have appreciated some loving boundaries.

I love how it's a child one minute and then a sexually voracious teenager the next. Is it normal for a child to have consecutive one night stands at the parental home? Not in any world I inhabit.

I had to stop reading after page 3 as I couldn't cope with all the messages telling the OP that her son's behaviour is normal and how very very wrong she is. It isn't normal decent behaviour to shag 3 different girls over 3 different days and demonstrates a complete disregard for both his family and females. OP you were right to come down hard on him, hopefully it will have shocked some sense into him! If the behaviour is repeated then he should stay at his Dads. Neither you, his sister or females in general, need to be subjected to this crap crap crappy attitude.

ShumpaLumpa

Thank you

I think you are trying your best. But YABU.

I was chucked out at 17 in the clothes I stood in. I started adulthood feeling very much like I was on my own. Let me just say that being chucked out caused damage that was never made right

Can I just beg you to try to avoid this kind of over reaction in the future? You have acknowledged you shouldn't have told him to never come back and hopefully you've apologised for that. However, DH's family have form for this kind of thing - saying totally over the line things in the heat of the moment and/or blowing up to the extent that is simply not normal or acceptable. They are mostly all fine with it between themselves, but it massively affects their relationships with others and leads to all kinds of problems because everyone else thinks their behaviour simply isn't okay.

DH had to seek therapy to deal with his stuff. His sister has been in an endless series of terrible relationships and the less said about his brother, the better.

For christ sake she didn't chuck him out on the street, OP knew that he would go to his dad's house not the local bus shelter.

To all you people saying that the OP post is wrong what would your say if DC was a girl bringing 3 different partners in over a week would you all be say it's ok for her to behave like this or would all be agreeing with OP.

And as for the girl she obviously knew she was in the wrong and they why she phoned her sister for a lift home and not her parents. hoping that they never find out.

OP I hope your talk goes ok with your son and his dad, but I would insist that he goes to a GUM clinic to be checked, and you can come up with a set of family rules and your house.

It strikes me that the weekend posters are all much more liberal than today's ones. This morning some voices of reason have entered the debate, whereas yesterday the thread was full of maniacs berating the OP for not welcoming Shagger of the Day into her home.

I have skimmed through the first few pages. I can't believe how many posters are giving OP a hard time or think this is normal behaviour from a just turned 16 year old!

I'm sure most parents of teenagers have said things on the spur of the moment that they immediately regretted. Teenagers can certainly push the wrong buttons.

Your son was spoken to 3 times in 3 days about the house rules- which are very fair. There can't be many parents who would allow their 16y year old to bring sex partners to their house. By doing so parents would be condoning and encouraging this behaviour.

OP you overreacted, which I don't blame you for. Your son has, hopefully, had a shock and now realises the consequence of flouting the house rules.

If one of those girls were my 16 year old I would have hit the roof (with my dd) if a stranger called me at 2am to let me know my daughter was in their house shagging their son. But I would have been grateful that they had called instead of throwing her out in the middle of the night.

Teenagers can certainly bring out the worst in parents.

I hope you have been able to have a sober, conversation with your son and laid down the house rules and your thoughts about him using girls for sex OP. Hope he has learned a valuable lesson.

For OP

"I was chucked out at 17 in the clothes I stood in. I started adulthood feeling very much like I was on my own."

Did you normally have a good, close relationship with your parents, thrown out during a heated and isolated argument, all sat down to discuss it the next day?