to give my abusive ex 50% custody of baby

[Zander2017]

I was with him just over 2 years and throughout the relationship he was abusive (psychologically, financially, physically, sexually). I few weeks ago he raped me. I phoned the police, they arrested him, took him to the police station. After 24hrs he was released "pending investigation". IO provided the police with a videod witness statement, forensic evidence, my clothes, etc, etc. Very surreal and traumatic experience. From that moment on, I went to live with my mum. A judge granted me a non molestation order and the ex has not been in touch maybe because of it (normally he would try to hoover me when I leave him).

My mum and I have an okay relationship (when things are going well in life), but when there is stress in life she turns into the most selfish woman I know. Living with her has been hell. I'm in my 30s yet she will walk into my bedroom at 7am (whilst I am lying in bed nursing baby) and demand that I fasten a top she has just tried on. She is passive-aggressive and gets resentful if she has to look after the baby (for example, if I needed to go to court or just to have a shower).

I normally have bad mental health (anxiety, depression and autism) but the recent stress has pushed me over the edge to a nervous breakdown. I have started taking sleeping tablets and drinking heavily. I blacked out for a few seconds yesterday and hit my head hard on the wall (it left a hole). My mums first words when I opened my eyes were "look at how messy this room is, you've got to tidy it".

I am a PhD student and have had to get a sick note for 1 month because of the recent stress. I am scared shitless how I will find childcare for baby that will enable me to complete my studies (just 1 year left). I am also not a natural mother. If I gave up my career to be a SAHM I would almost certainly end up committing suicide.

I have intense urges to go back to my abusive ex. I am incredibly lonely and can't meet up with friends (I say "friends" but I don't have any so what I mean is attend support groups so I can make friends) without having to literally beg my mother to look after the baby for a few hours; and then I deal with the resentment or flat out refusal from her.

Tomorrow I am in court. He will be there. This will be the first time I have seen him since "the incident". This case is the civil case for him to defend his side of the non molestation order. However I am having serious urges to drop all charges and drop all orders, because I just can't cope living with mum and I can't cope alone.

I have phoned social services begging for help. I have phoned the crisis team. I have phoned Women's Aid. I have seen GP. I have reached out to whoever can help stop me going back to him (essentially I need help with childcare!) No one is interested. I am yet to have any counselling for what has happend to me. No update from the police.

I am entitled to benefits but not enough to cover childcare. Uni cant provide childcare.

I'm in a desperate situation and posting here is literally all I have left.

Tomorrow do I drop all charges and crawl back to him (at very least give him 50% custody of baby) - or is there another way?

Bit off topic but hope it helps very long story short . I was brought up in a VERY abusive house hold the mood was dictated by my dad and both me and my mum got a good hiding if he was that way out he had affairs and very aggressive .My sister is the apple of my dads eye he would walk over broken glass and hot coals for her and her family and if you asked her he's the best dad in the world and tbh he is to her . So what ever happen he might be ok with your child obviously every situation is different and you would never put a child at risk .

No no no do not go back to him. You can do this.

Talk to you PhD supervisor, or pastoral if the supervisor is no good. There will be Students Union support too, to get advice and help on housing, counselling, childcare.

Don't put yourself and your baby in harms way with this awful man.

You’re in a horrible situation and you’re doing the right thing by reaching out to everyone you can for help.

Your ex is a rapist. He’s abusive and incredibly dangerous. You say if you have to quit work you’ll kill yourself but if you drop the charges and don’t take this opportunity to protect yourself he might kill you.

Would he even want the baby? He sounds terrifying and your baby needs to be safe, secure and looked after by someone responsible when they’re not with you. Your ex isn’t that person.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

In the simplest terms if you go back he will
A) kill you and then the abusive arsehole has sole care of your tiny, fragile child who he will ultimately cause harm to
B) social services will remove the child because he isn't living in a safe environment.

Can you speak to the Council, explain your mother is saying you need to leave and see what help they can give you? You should get help with rent, council tax plus benefits. Uni might need to be deferred for a year, but it's only a year.

And rwalker you say your Dad was great with your sister so op's rapist partner might be a great Dad but your Dad clearly took his anger out on the rest of you and if your sister is aware of the physical abuse to you but thinks he's amazing anyway, she's clearly been emotionally abused too.
OP please don't take the chance

There is no childcare. I sat in front of social services sobbing and begging and they flat out said they could not provide childcare.

By the way, sorry to drip feed but he also abused his ex (who he also have a child with). She got a non molestation order and occupation order against him. He has history.

Would he even want the baby?

Yes, I think he would. He fought long and hard to get his other child (and eventually lost).

Can you speak to the Council, explain your mother is saying you need to leave and see what help they can give you?

They would give me a house, but I would still be left alone to deal with a baby and my mental health.

No OP he wants to keep control over the ex and screw with her heart.

How about short term care for little one, like into foster care whilst you get a place together and your head and hopefully your ex goes to jail

You're alone anyway with her, but you wouldn't have her shot on top of your own. Would she have her for a few hours here and there or an overnight? You'd get an actual break then

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time. What you need to do now is step up and put your child first. I realise you have had a terrible time but your long post focuses solely on your own needs and you seem intent on getting your child taken off your hands. You are a mum now. Your baby is your responsibility and you need to put their welfare first, above everything and before yourself.

It sounds really tough and I feel for you. I’m a single parent and it can be very isolating so I can understand why your feeling like this - but going back is absolutely the worst thing you could do. He’s a violent, abusive rapist and you’ll be putting yourself and your child in great danger by going back.

Also with regards to the non mol, it’s not as simple as saying to the Judge “I want it revoked”. If the Judge feels that you are genuinely in danger they can refuse. It could also trigger social services involvement as it will look like your not safeguarding your child and putting your feelings for ex above the needs of your child.

Stay strong. Call Women’s Aid and explain the situation, see if they can assist with housing so you can move from your mums and maybe some mum and baby groups so you can get out and about and have a bit of company.

OP you have been brave and you have done the right things so far to protect you and your baby. You are not responsible for your mothers poor behaviour. I'm sorry that all the other agencies have not been able to assist you. It's understandable that you want to relent and give up your fight. Imagine your life as you want it, with your child, your PhD and your choices. Chose one goal and take one step at a time to get there - you can't do everything all at once. Standing up for yourself in court will be hard but will be a victory for you. The university will have a very good pastoral support service and may be able to point you to hardship funds and possible housing support. I wish you every success and hope you find your strength to face him

Oh OP I am so so sorry this has happened to you. Don’t go back. Please.

I have had to move back in with my mother in the past with a baby/toddler because of my abusive ex because it turns out my mother is also abusive. It seems your mum is too. Which is possibly how you’ve ended up in a cycle of abuse with the father of your baby. The behaviour is all you know. I got back with my ex. I had another baby. It was not a happy ending with him. It got worse and worse until I left for good before he had the chance to kill me. All the markers were there apparently.

As for leaving the baby with him... ”I think he would want the baby he kept fighting for his other child” he abused his other ex too. He kept the fight going for that child to punish his ex most likely. Don’t leave your baby with this monster. Ever. Fight to keep him away from the baby. I know several women who have lost heir children because they went back to their exes because in the eyes of social services they weren’t keeping their children safe.

Is there no childcare at/through your university?
Agree with MrsBertBibby talk to your supervisor, someone will be able to help you find childcare.
You cannot share custody with this man, you cannot put yourself at risk every time there is a handover.
He will use the baby to keep on abusing you.

You can do this alone, you are worth so much more than being his fucked up plaything.

Do you have older children OP?

You are not responsible for your mothers poor behaviour.

She is the only person I have in the world. It hurts my heart that I must depend on her because there is literally no one else. Why is she selfish? Why can't she see I am at the worst point of my life?

someone will be able to help you find childcare

Honestly, they can't.

Women's Aid and Social Services say no.

OP do you have an ISVA for the other court matter? They can refer you for counselling, your local victim support branch can give you details if you've not already been given them (independent sexual violence advocate) , if living at your mum's isn't possible refuge might be the best place you would get more support there too. It won't be up to you if he has custody or if the non mol is withdrawn even if you request those things, given that he lost rights to access his other child and has gone on to seriously further abuse his new partner (you) it's unlikely and if you go back to him it's likely SS will say you are not safeguarding your baby. Please be strong for your little one

Unpaid childcare is very difficult and it's unlikely SS or WA can provide this, you might need to defer your studies until you are in a stronger position unless you're uni has nursery facilities

Sorry to hear what has happened. However, you must put your baby first & not allow the abusive ex access. Please don't even consider that option. It may mean deferring your PHD - is that an option? If you could take a break from that, it would give you more time to sort out appropriate childcare & some support for you too, which you clearly need.

In terms of getting through the court ordeal ask about their their support service, I believe it’s obligatory to provide some.

In view of the rape allegations you should not have to be in the same room as him.

Continue to reach out for support, is going to a refuge an option? This will get better and you and your baby can stay together happily. Going back will be a major mistake which you know.

Sending you very best wishes. Also you mention asking many people for help but can either Homestart or your HV assist at all? They can’t provide childcare but may help you access some sort of help. Ditto Rape Crisis and obviously, the Samaritans.

Remind yourself that your baby will not be a baby forever and as it gets older it will be easier to find childcare. Eventually you will get the free 30 hours and then after that the child will be in school which would also have after school clubs etc which would allow you to work...
You arent looking at being a SAHM forever it just may be difficult to work or do uni for the first year or so.
But this is your childs life and in the grand scheme of things your childs babyhood is a very tiny fraction of your life... dont throw it away on an abusive dickhead. I can understand things are difficult for you and you are understandably down about it but youd essentially be putting your child in the hands of an abuser just for the sake of having a slightly easier life for a year or so! Its really not worth it and will just make everything worse for you in the long run. Stay away from this man hes isnt going to be any help to you at all. Someone that could rape you is not going to have your or your childs best interests at heart.
Personally I think you should accept the offer of being housed by the council so that you dont have to live with your mother. Again living with your mother looks like it might provide help but it doesnt sound as though it is it sounds as though its making things worse for you.... you might actaully find that living on your own with the baby allows you to get into a routine to suit you and to make friends easier.
Get out to groups when you can with your baby. Do you have health visitor still? They can provide you with details of free groups you can attend with your baby where hopefully you could make some friends with other mums... If theres a sure start centre near you they are very good and sometimes even offer a creche for certain activities. For example I am doing yoga at my sure start centre, its free and they look after the baby in the creche whilst you do it again for free... they bring the baby to you in the class if baby needs feeding. They also do a coffee morning where they take the baby in the creche and you can just have a chat with the other mums. Please ask your health visitor or gp about stuff like that because there is actually loads of it about.

Its hard at first but it WILL get easier for you and really you dont need an abusive dickhead in your life... he will make everything a lot harder for you.

You say that you are drinking heavily and taking sleeping tablets? You seem to be saying that you are unable to look after your baby at the moment.

If you go back to your Ex you will be putting yourself and your baby in a further downward spiral. This will not magically make you able to look after your baby. Your thinking is wrong here, but I guess really you know that?

So options are:
Get yourself to social services again and tell them you are drinking heavily and taking sleeping pills and unable to look after your baby.
Get yourself to your doctors to say the same.

Protect your baby - if you cannot care for him/her then you must tell social services. This is your responsibility. You have bought another life into this world, give them the best care possible.

Protect yourself, get yourself to the GP and say everything you’ve said here. Demand some help, not more sleeping pills.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through :( previous posters are right though, this tiny baby needs you and giving the father responsibility is dangerous

Is it possible to defer your studies while you get sorted out with a house etc?

if you tell us roughly where in the country you are maybe posters could direct you to some extra support, even if it's just meeting for coffee and a chat. look after yourself, I promise it can only get better without that scumbag in your life

Please please please get help, some lovely mumsneters will help you if you can tell us roughly where you are? What about homestart? You are in the worst part, you've been through a horrible traumatic experience and you aren't thinking straight. There are so many lovely people in the world who would love to help, in sorry you've not found any yet but please don't give up.