to give my abusive ex 50% custody of baby

[Zander2017]

I was with him just over 2 years and throughout the relationship he was abusive (psychologically, financially, physically, sexually). I few weeks ago he raped me. I phoned the police, they arrested him, took him to the police station. After 24hrs he was released "pending investigation". IO provided the police with a videod witness statement, forensic evidence, my clothes, etc, etc. Very surreal and traumatic experience. From that moment on, I went to live with my mum. A judge granted me a non molestation order and the ex has not been in touch maybe because of it (normally he would try to hoover me when I leave him).

My mum and I have an okay relationship (when things are going well in life), but when there is stress in life she turns into the most selfish woman I know. Living with her has been hell. I'm in my 30s yet she will walk into my bedroom at 7am (whilst I am lying in bed nursing baby) and demand that I fasten a top she has just tried on. She is passive-aggressive and gets resentful if she has to look after the baby (for example, if I needed to go to court or just to have a shower).

I normally have bad mental health (anxiety, depression and autism) but the recent stress has pushed me over the edge to a nervous breakdown. I have started taking sleeping tablets and drinking heavily. I blacked out for a few seconds yesterday and hit my head hard on the wall (it left a hole). My mums first words when I opened my eyes were "look at how messy this room is, you've got to tidy it".

I am a PhD student and have had to get a sick note for 1 month because of the recent stress. I am scared shitless how I will find childcare for baby that will enable me to complete my studies (just 1 year left). I am also not a natural mother. If I gave up my career to be a SAHM I would almost certainly end up committing suicide.

I have intense urges to go back to my abusive ex. I am incredibly lonely and can't meet up with friends (I say "friends" but I don't have any so what I mean is attend support groups so I can make friends) without having to literally beg my mother to look after the baby for a few hours; and then I deal with the resentment or flat out refusal from her.

Tomorrow I am in court. He will be there. This will be the first time I have seen him since "the incident". This case is the civil case for him to defend his side of the non molestation order. However I am having serious urges to drop all charges and drop all orders, because I just can't cope living with mum and I can't cope alone.

I have phoned social services begging for help. I have phoned the crisis team. I have phoned Women's Aid. I have seen GP. I have reached out to whoever can help stop me going back to him (essentially I need help with childcare!) No one is interested. I am yet to have any counselling for what has happend to me. No update from the police.

I am entitled to benefits but not enough to cover childcare. Uni cant provide childcare.

I'm in a desperate situation and posting here is literally all I have left.

Tomorrow do I drop all charges and crawl back to him (at very least give him 50% custody of baby) - or is there another way?

This is truly awful to read. I am so sorry you are feeling like this, but it makes me go cold hearing you say you will hand your baby over to a rapist. If you were near me I'd gladly help you out even though I've enough on my plate. Surely the court won't allow him unsupervised access let alone custody? You need the baby taking away for respite op. Ask about this.

He may not get custody of course. He has a track record of a previous non mol and occupation order, a current non mol and an outstanding rape report.

Can you build bridges with your mum? She may be struggling to come to terms with what has happened to you, and worried for your safety and the future wellbeing of her grandchild.

If you'll willingly give your child to a rapist, social services need to take that baby away from you both. I was completely on your side until I read that.

If you'll willingly give your child to a rapist, social services need to take that baby away from you both.

I agree. I'm horrified at the thought of anyone willingly handing an innocent baby/child over to a known rapist.

You really need to see a doctor asap get your mental health sorted and then you will be able to see this more clearly. You dont want to regret a decison and endanger your baby. Im from the north east too if you are near to me and would accept some help please please PM me! i really think you are feeling too low and depressed and its clouding your judgement

My heart goes out to you it truly does but you cannot give this man custody. You really need to take the baby to social services and refuse to leave with her with that's what it takes. If you love your baby this is truly the better option and better for you in the long run once you get back on an even keel. If you let him have baby now social services will get involved anyway and you'll have lost any trust and respect from them. If you're studying for a PhD you're obviously clever...don't be so stupid about this use your head.

Can we stop with these horrible comments to OP please? She's very very vulnerable. Get on your high horse and preach about how amazing you are that you could find a solution but maybe consider this is a real scared lost stuck person on the other end of the screen and offer kindness instead?

'Give the baby up for adoption so the father doesn't get him'?

The advice on here is just so STUPID. Yes, the man is abusive but NO that doesn't mean a court won't grant him shared or full care. One parent can't give a child up for adoption without the other's consent!

The OP is in a right state. She can't think clearly right now. Stop trying to guilt trip her.

I think everyone understands that she’s vulnerable and desperate.

But if she’s intelligent enough to do a PhD she’s clever enough to know that an abusive man will potentially turn a male child into an abuser and female child into a victim of abuse.

The obvious route is temporary foster care. The chances of SS placing the baby with him, with 2 non mols and occupation order and a rape allegation, are slim.

Once this is set, OP will have to go to court to alter contact which will take time and money. He may object. It will not be easy to undo.

I would rather put a child up for adoption than hand it to an abuser.

Yes, the man is abusive but NO that doesn't mean a court won't grant him shared or full care. One parent can't give a child up for adoption without the other's consent!

It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be granted full or shared care but it’s a smaller chance than many abusive men wit no injunctions and sex offence allegations.

Abusive men very often don’t want full custody - they simply use it and the battle as a stick to beat their ex with.

What was the outcome of the hearing OP? I'm concerned that the court will not have seen your ExP as a suitable parent and won't have granted custody, in which case I expect you are feeling very vulnerable. Are you ok?

I used to work for a university, and I would really, really encourage you to engage with your university's support services.

The counselling service would be an excellent place to start. As it's August, it will be very quiet at the moment and you should be able to get an appointment quickly; it will be free. I went as a staff member (though it was also open to students) and found it very helpful and insightful. They're not there to tell you what to do, but they can help you consider all your options and what might be best.

There are also hardship funds (some years we used to find that we had more budget than demand, and the budgets reset in September, so now is a good time to enquire...)

Do they have family accommodation? Some universities have family accommodation, designed for students with babies, such as www.accommodation.manchester.ac.uk/search/details/?property=41

Universities invariably have absolutely excellent support for those who ask for it, but it doesn't tend to come and find people who disappear into the shadows.

@NynaeveSedai I know that's not how it works but I think OP needs a way of expressing the seriousness of her situation to an agency which can and will help her if they realise how desperate she is.

Well, he tried to rip me to shreds over my mental health. He tried to get primary custody.

In the end, he got two half-days access per week until next hearing in 3 weeks.

At least I know his intentions now. He's pulling out all the guns.

And it's true, my mental health is terrible. Because he's abused me for 2 years.

btw, those two half days were what I offered, with a view to gradually increasing to shared care. He was awkward and even argued with the judge. He refused to give "an undertaking" that he wouldn't harass me further. Madness. So the non molestation stays in place with leeway to contact each other re: the baby.

How are you feeling now?

OP I just want to hug you. You've been throughso much and this too shall pass.
You will become stronger and start believing in yourself.

He hates women - not children.

What do you think your daughter will grow up to be....a woman.
Think about that before you let him destroy her, as well as you.
I understand you're struggling, I really do.
But you have no right to just hand her to someone who could potentially do her harm. It's selfish.
Concentrate on sorting out your mental health, sod the PhD.
I bet your mum doesn't know half of what you've said on here. Talk to her, make her understand where you're at.

OP, I hope you're feeling ok after today. I also work for a university and would encourage you to speak to them; many have workplace nurseries and it might be possible for your child to go there while you're completing your studies. They're there to support you and as Avocados says, there may even be PG accommodation that would enable you to move out from your mum's.

Oh Zander, I feel really bad for you. You don’t have to prove anything to posters on here, I’m just really worried that your making this decision whilst in the midst of a mental health crisis which you may regret in the future.

FWIW my ex is also currently ripping me to shreds in Court about my mental health, parenting, background etc and it is nerve wracking, stress inducing and leaves me a nervous wreck. But the Court can see right through him and hopefully they will with your ex. The fact he refused the undertaking will give them an indication of what he’s about.

Don’t make any decisions just yet. You’ve got 3 weeks where you’ll now be getting a small break twice a week. That break might do you the world of good and boost your mood a little. It’s so hard to not even get 20 mins for a shower in peace and you’re not an awful mother for feeling how you do.

Which university are you at and how old is the baby?

Well done
Now you need to ask for help with your MH and drinking and speak to your university about deferring the PHD