to give my abusive ex 50% custody of baby

[Zander2017]

I was with him just over 2 years and throughout the relationship he was abusive (psychologically, financially, physically, sexually). I few weeks ago he raped me. I phoned the police, they arrested him, took him to the police station. After 24hrs he was released "pending investigation". IO provided the police with a videod witness statement, forensic evidence, my clothes, etc, etc. Very surreal and traumatic experience. From that moment on, I went to live with my mum. A judge granted me a non molestation order and the ex has not been in touch maybe because of it (normally he would try to hoover me when I leave him).

My mum and I have an okay relationship (when things are going well in life), but when there is stress in life she turns into the most selfish woman I know. Living with her has been hell. I'm in my 30s yet she will walk into my bedroom at 7am (whilst I am lying in bed nursing baby) and demand that I fasten a top she has just tried on. She is passive-aggressive and gets resentful if she has to look after the baby (for example, if I needed to go to court or just to have a shower).

I normally have bad mental health (anxiety, depression and autism) but the recent stress has pushed me over the edge to a nervous breakdown. I have started taking sleeping tablets and drinking heavily. I blacked out for a few seconds yesterday and hit my head hard on the wall (it left a hole). My mums first words when I opened my eyes were "look at how messy this room is, you've got to tidy it".

I am a PhD student and have had to get a sick note for 1 month because of the recent stress. I am scared shitless how I will find childcare for baby that will enable me to complete my studies (just 1 year left). I am also not a natural mother. If I gave up my career to be a SAHM I would almost certainly end up committing suicide.

I have intense urges to go back to my abusive ex. I am incredibly lonely and can't meet up with friends (I say "friends" but I don't have any so what I mean is attend support groups so I can make friends) without having to literally beg my mother to look after the baby for a few hours; and then I deal with the resentment or flat out refusal from her.

Tomorrow I am in court. He will be there. This will be the first time I have seen him since "the incident". This case is the civil case for him to defend his side of the non molestation order. However I am having serious urges to drop all charges and drop all orders, because I just can't cope living with mum and I can't cope alone.

I have phoned social services begging for help. I have phoned the crisis team. I have phoned Women's Aid. I have seen GP. I have reached out to whoever can help stop me going back to him (essentially I need help with childcare!) No one is interested. I am yet to have any counselling for what has happend to me. No update from the police.

I am entitled to benefits but not enough to cover childcare. Uni cant provide childcare.

I'm in a desperate situation and posting here is literally all I have left.

Tomorrow do I drop all charges and crawl back to him (at very least give him 50% custody of baby) - or is there another way?

Hi Op. I'm really really sorry you're having such a tough time of it :( I really feel for you. It must be so difficult. You are a good mother and are trying your best, you care for your child. You've done excellently in leaving your partner - that improves your daughters safety and life so much, a bad mother - which is not what you are - wouldn't do that. Please continue the brilliant work you've already done in protecting your dd

I'll write a proper post tomorrow. But please please don't go back to him, you deserve more. If you won't do it for you do it for your dd. You know what he's Like - he could very easily hurt her too. Please protect yourself, you're worth it. But if you cant do it for you do it for her. You can't let that evil man affect he life.

Also why do you need to leave the baby to go to support groups? the ones I've volunteered in welcome children with open arms. people understand that childcare can be an issue and they won't mind, at least women's aid sessions won't. in fact the other women can be a great help - cooing over baby, holding her when you make a bottle etc. in my experience the older ladies loved to fuss over the baby/toddler/child and give mum a break. Just ask, I'm sure taking the little one wouldn't be an issue

Last post for tonight I promise! you say you can't cope alone. OK. How did you cope with your partner? Was he any help with Dd? Did he sometimes affect your and her life - eg forbidding you going to baby classes, taking the pram so you couldn't leave?

Did he sometimes get jealous of dd? Did he abuse you in front of her? Were you ever worried he'd hurt her?

No need to answer and I'm sorry for those probing questions. I get that life must be tough right now and I'd never pretend to know how you feel. But just take 10mins to think about life then. Im sure life now is hard - you're having a really tough time of it. But think about how that life made you feel.

You're a good mum. You might not think it but you are. You're thinking about your dd and that's a lot more than some people do. You're trying to get better for her. You want to give her a good chance in life. You know you're struggling and you don't want that for her. But please believe me on this - your daughter is much better off with you than with your partner.

She's young at the moment, she doesn't understand things. But in a year or two she will. Growing up in that environment can be so damaging for children. It Is bloody tough for you, but you've done well. You've grown to strength to leave before that man poisons her. You've taken such a brave step, a step that is probably the hardest thing you've ever done. A step that has automatically improved your dds chances in life tenfold. Your actions mean that your dd is no longer being exposed to fear or violence. You've given her a chance in life. That is something you should be so so proud of. Not everyone can do that, but you did. Because you're a good mum.

I'm not saying its all hunky dory and if you did go back to him its understandable. It is the toughest thing someone can do, leaving an abusive partner, and not enough people realise that. You've taken such a brave step and you've protected your dd. Yes there are difficulties and other support you need. But for now, feel proud of yourself. Feel proud you've recognised you need help.

Don't make any rash decisions. Why don't you leave it a week? I often make knee jerk decisions and they're not always the best, ime. Give it a week. Hell still be there then, he's not going anywhere. And then if you want to return you can, no one is stopping you. But please don't make that decision tonight. If you want to go back on the agreement you can. But if you change your mind tomorrow Thats done, even if you realise later you made a mistake.

Look.after yourself. Stay strong, there is support out there. It's late now but I'll check in tomorrow. Try not to overthink things (hard I know!). Try and do something you enjoy - a book, a TV programme, your hair - and get an early night.

And when you walk in that court tomorrow remember - you are a strong, brave woman, you're actually an amazing woman, who has made the best decision anyone could to protect her child. You are amazing, even if you don't feel it right now.

Please keep posting

Suspend your PhD to give you space to deal with this. Why would you even consider going back to a man who has raped you! It’s also seriously concerning that you’re nursing (breastfeeding?) while drinking heavily and taking sleeping tablets. You can’t safely breastfeed or even care for a baby under those circumstances.

For the welfare and safety of your baby you need to talk to your mum and social services about these issues.

OK final last post. Op you've got a bit of flack on here and I don't think it's helpful to you. Drinking etc isnt brilliant but when you consider what you've been through, it's understandable. Straight talking, while perhaps true in parts, isn't helping anyone. Nor is saying baby should be removed. You can get better and change this. Ignore rude posters saying 'you need your head looked at'.

I'm concerned you won't post on this thread again. I understand if you don't..i also understand you don't know me from Adam. But if you Like, pm me. I wont judge you, I promise. I think you're doing well all things considered. Don't feel any pressure to pm me., but the offer is there if you want it. I might not answer straight away, but I will reply.

Ss will not take your baby away right away. It's not Like the old days, they strive to keep families together now, even in cases where child should be removed (think severe neglect/avuse) but they will support you. Likewise a refuge. They won't make you leave until you feel able to cope alone, they will support you and it's not uncommon for women to stay 6 months or longer. Ss will actually appreciate you seeking support - they'll see it as a positive step and will work in your favour. They will take a dim view of you returning to abuser but will support you in not letting that happen. They get a bad press but SS can help, it's not Like the bad old days. There's s fear they'll take the baby away and I get that, bit it isn't common

Could you find a childminder? I think each council has a list of certified childminders on line, you are bound to find one with space.
I would normally not advise that but if you can afford it on the long term and you have sleep/MH problems, it could be easier for you to have baby on formula and sleeping with a dummy. It is easier.
Also, I think it would be good to start looking for a job asap. If you find a well paid job you can have baby in childcare during your working hours.

@faeriequeen - really? Most parents wouldn't welcome their child home if their child had been raped, was homeless, had a new born and was struggling with their mental health?!
Really? ... we know very different types of parents.

OP Im sorry I don't know the solution. But I do know your mum doesn't sound very nice at all.

Court in an hour. I'm going for 50/50. Two people made this baby. Two people can look after.

When I left I thought I'd have support. I have no one. He'll probably do a better job than me. He hates women - not children.

I have no fight left inside of me. I'm sick of phoning services begging for help. And sorry I let down the mumsnet jury. What a shit mother I am. I'll accept it.

Zander you are not a shit mum

I understand why you are doing this and I guess, as a compromise to avoid him getting main care or the baby going in to care it may seem to be the best solution.

Of course it would be ideal if you could fight this but actually I don't think you can at the moment. Good luck today.

Op please listen to me, do not give custody to him. You say he doesn't hate children just women. He's violent, cruel, he can't control his temper. No child grows up in an abusive household or with a violent dad and escapes that unscathed. It will affect the baby. Maybe not now and maybe not physically. But emotionally, it will and it will affect that baby for the rest of their life. He cannot be trusted.

He will not do a better job than you. You're struggling and find it tough, and you do need more support and yes it isn't fair you're literally left holding the baby. But giving him 50/50 won't solve anything..at the very least it'll mean he's in your life more and chances are he'll worm his way in.

You're not Shit and you've not let anyone down. Like I said, you are amazing and a good mother, and I mean that. The mere fact you're thinking about it means you're a good mother. You're struggling, at your end of your tether and you really do need support. But this isn't the way to get it.

If you give him access to your dd social services may well hold it against you. Look, why don't you wait a while? If you want to do it then fine, but at least you'd be certain

Op, please please please don't do this. He will fuck that baby up. That baby's life, prospects, employment, relationships, all of it will be hugely impacted if you decide to give him contact. It will harm that baby's chances in life. If you won't do it for you, do it for the baby, they're innocent (so are you BTW!) you need support and you can get support, but please don't make any rash decisions this morning.

Your baby's future life is literally in your hands.

My choice is:

1. do it all myself with no support and be a crap mam 100% of the time (maybe even breakdown completely); or
2. Give him 50% and be a satisfactory mum 50% of the time because I have half the time to recover and build myself back up.

I need to go now.;

so sorry your struggling can you put off any decisions today as you are not in the right frame of mind to make permanent decisions ? Is there anyway of not having to make the decision today ? Have you looked into the possibility of going into a mother and baby unit for your own mental health you will get help with baby and your mental health. I would also try and take a year out from studying have you applied for benefits at all ? could you afford some time with a childminder even 2 half days a week or so where i am its about 4.00 - 4.50 a hour obviously unsure where you live so may be more or Less but may be worth it for you to just have the regular breaks ? I don't know what will happen with social services if you try to go back but I imagine it will be bad. Good luck for today

That's a false choice. You can do better than that.

As others have said, don't make any big decisions right now.

Take a year out from your PhD. I was obliged to do this and it doesn't mean you lose all momentum - you can potter away, writing up bits and doing a bit of reading with the time pressure off.

It's all very high drama at the moment. Breathe a bit, give your baby a cuddle, don't feel you've got to solve everything right this minute.

Oh Zander, I’m so sorry to read what you’re going through, I hope court goes as well as it can for you this morning.

As PP said, it would be worth looking at taking a year out from your studies; one less thing to contend with could be massively helpful over the next year for you.

It’s tough but always try and remember your situation now isn’t forever, things can and will change for you. I may have missed this but how old is your DC? Could you get some downtime to do something for you when they nap? Maybe even something simple like the Headspace app to start with?

Oh Zander. I really hope you changed your mind. If you truly feel you can't handle it, then please tell Social Services you want the baby to enter care rather than allowing an abusive rapist to raise your baby. I'm sorry you're going through this.

bran if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. have you even read the full thread? Do you even care what your comment will do?

I'm not sure why you think the non mol hearing is the place to discuss custody.

I am sure that it is because of your mental health but you are sounding very closed to reasonable suggestions. You are on the brink of making some hideously bad decisions. Please go and see your gp. Is completing your PhD really more of a priority than your baby? That's what it sounds like by the way you post. Im sure its just a symptom of the depression. Please please get help. You are obviously an educated and intelligent woman. Take these posts as black and white without reading them with an emotional attachment. Please accept you and your baby need to be totally no contact with your abusive rapist ex.

Can you ask ss about going into a mother and baby unit?

Posting about what I know now: as others have said, suspend your PhD registration for a year. That won't stop you working on it when you can but it stops the clock on your study so you won't use up your last year while in this state. Ask your supervisor to start that process for you.

OP I don’t think you said how old your baby is? For the first few months of my baby’s life I was constantly exhausted with the relentlessness of caring for a baby. I didn’t like the sudden loss of freedom and sleep. I’m an intellectual person and caring for a baby full time was absolutely mind numbing. I was literally in floods of tears begging for someone - anyone - to take my baby away so I could rest. I threatened to call social services and give up the baby because I couldn’t cope.

My inlaws took the baby on ONE occasion and suddenly I couldn’t rest because I was so worried what they might do when I wasn’t there to keep my child safe. I was hysterical just wanting my baby back. I didn’t expect that at all. I looked at his little face and realised my perspective was very self centred (as you might expect from someone who’s never had to consider anyone except herself before). It’s not just about me caring for him - he’s a person too and we’re gettng through this together. It wasn’t easy for me to look after him, but it wasn’t easy for him to be looked after by me either. That shift in perspective changed everything for me. It was still hard but I wasn’t so resentful any more.

To complete a PhD you have to be stubborn, tenacious and single minded, and those skills are what you need to make it through the early months of motherhood. My sister nearly had a nervous breakdown because writing up her PhD required her to work 20 hours a day 7 days a week. I nearly had the same breakdown as an exhausted new mother. In both cases you need to have that mindset of “I have to give up everything else and do this round the clock for a few months”.

Once your baby reaches perhaps six months old, things get better. The dust settles and your love for your baby grows exponentially. You can let him play independently for a bit while you do stuff on the computer. He sleeps longer at night. Your hormones calm down and you adapt to your new schedule and role. It’s difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel while you’re still in the thick of it, but you do slowly get yourself back - in many ways a new self, which is indescribably hard to come to terms with if you’re someone who already has a strong sense of self and ambition that has never really included being a mother. Like a PhD, new motherhood is truly a trial by fire and you come out of it transformed.

My advice is to suspend your PhD for a year and apply those skills to this huge life change. Truthfully even 50% parenting a small baby isn’t compatible with finishing a PhD. Get whatever help is available. Give yourself time and space to adapt. You’re currently in such a dark place that it seems like a good idea to give an abusive rapist access to your child, and once that access starts you won’t be able to stop it.

If you truly feel you can't handle it, then please tell Social Services you want the baby to enter care rather than allowing an abusive rapist to raise your baby

It doesn't work like that

I really hope you change your mind.
Giving him 50/50 won't be as simple as that, if they won't let you just drop charges are serious as that and they will probably assume he is too much of a danger to have a child 50% of the time with assault and rape charges against him.
If he does end up being granted it then I would be shocked by our system. However I would hope that we are all 100% wrong and he turns into some god given angel, though I do have strong doubts.
You aren't letting anyone down and you aren't a crap mum, you just need help. However that man is not who you should be turning to.
I hope you take time out of your PhD and focus on yourself and quickly get to a place where you feel you can have full custody.

1. He can't have custody
2. In time, you can recover and provide your child with a loving and healthy childhood. Fir now, however, you need help. But the ex is not a support, he is a hindrance. So.

This means you need to find appropriate support so you can recover to provide for your child.

In an ideal world, this would be extended family or good neighbours, a supported living arrangement or short term foster care.

For me it was a nurse for 3 months.

I don't have a nurse to give you, I'm sorry, but surely, out of the world surrounding you, there is a kind family who can help?

This is life, we are in it together and families are st the heart of a progressive society.

I understand you are unwell and overwhelmed, but can you access any sort of publicly funded professional advice/social worker/psychiatrist to help you find a solution? X

Will you have time to recover when you are having to see your rapist ex every week and discuss matters for your child? I hope it works out in the way you think it will, but it will probably turn out to be a way that he can exert control over you via your baby.