to give my abusive ex 50% custody of baby

[Zander2017]

I was with him just over 2 years and throughout the relationship he was abusive (psychologically, financially, physically, sexually). I few weeks ago he raped me. I phoned the police, they arrested him, took him to the police station. After 24hrs he was released "pending investigation". IO provided the police with a videod witness statement, forensic evidence, my clothes, etc, etc. Very surreal and traumatic experience. From that moment on, I went to live with my mum. A judge granted me a non molestation order and the ex has not been in touch maybe because of it (normally he would try to hoover me when I leave him).

My mum and I have an okay relationship (when things are going well in life), but when there is stress in life she turns into the most selfish woman I know. Living with her has been hell. I'm in my 30s yet she will walk into my bedroom at 7am (whilst I am lying in bed nursing baby) and demand that I fasten a top she has just tried on. She is passive-aggressive and gets resentful if she has to look after the baby (for example, if I needed to go to court or just to have a shower).

I normally have bad mental health (anxiety, depression and autism) but the recent stress has pushed me over the edge to a nervous breakdown. I have started taking sleeping tablets and drinking heavily. I blacked out for a few seconds yesterday and hit my head hard on the wall (it left a hole). My mums first words when I opened my eyes were "look at how messy this room is, you've got to tidy it".

I am a PhD student and have had to get a sick note for 1 month because of the recent stress. I am scared shitless how I will find childcare for baby that will enable me to complete my studies (just 1 year left). I am also not a natural mother. If I gave up my career to be a SAHM I would almost certainly end up committing suicide.

I have intense urges to go back to my abusive ex. I am incredibly lonely and can't meet up with friends (I say "friends" but I don't have any so what I mean is attend support groups so I can make friends) without having to literally beg my mother to look after the baby for a few hours; and then I deal with the resentment or flat out refusal from her.

Tomorrow I am in court. He will be there. This will be the first time I have seen him since "the incident". This case is the civil case for him to defend his side of the non molestation order. However I am having serious urges to drop all charges and drop all orders, because I just can't cope living with mum and I can't cope alone.

I have phoned social services begging for help. I have phoned the crisis team. I have phoned Women's Aid. I have seen GP. I have reached out to whoever can help stop me going back to him (essentially I need help with childcare!) No one is interested. I am yet to have any counselling for what has happend to me. No update from the police.

I am entitled to benefits but not enough to cover childcare. Uni cant provide childcare.

I'm in a desperate situation and posting here is literally all I have left.

Tomorrow do I drop all charges and crawl back to him (at very least give him 50% custody of baby) - or is there another way?

You must be desperate to get a break if you are considering going back to him. Please don't do it.

Defer your PhD. You need to be seen to be doing the best for your Ds. When you're asking for help it needs to be to benefit him or your mental health, not your studies

You need support. Alcohol is not it. If you drink until you pass out and are in sole charge of your Ds you risk losing him. Or hurting him.

Sole care or a baby is relentless. Your ex is not the answer.

As your health visitor for groups you can go to. Getting out for a walk with the pram is better than nothing. Look for places with free/cheap crèche facilities. Gyms etc.

Ficus on the right thing. You need to raise your Ds. The PhD has to wait.

If you are suicidal then speak to your gp and health visitor. They are trained to help.

NynaeveSedai Not really, Ss are being pushed to support the parent and ultimately even if they do oppose a judge will make the final call.

And right now the OP admits she can't take care of a baby on her own (understandingly) and she's considering to give access to a highly abusive man. Who's left to safeguard the baby in this case?

if you tell ss that your mother has chucked you out then surely they have to house you.
that is step one..you have your own place without mother there, plus she might be a bit more helpful if your not living together.
you say she is better when things are going ok...though things are not ok at least by living on your own with dd then you might give her the appearence that things are better

I think foster care is the best option for this baby. The mother doesn't want to parent her alone and isn't able to do so. The father is abusive. The baby needs more. Love is not enough.

Go to your university wher you are registered as a PhD student and see if they can help with nursery, bursaries, accommodation etc. Do NOT give your precious baby to an abuser. She deserves more.

Social services will intervene if you allow a child to live with someone who is under investigation for a sex offence. Not sure I can offer much advice other than see what the university can do. Even if they don't provide childcare directly could other help free up money to pay for a few hours with a childminder or nursery? Or is there any group for mature students that does a baby sitting circle? I realise your situation is very complex but maybe a combination of little things could help.

Just wanted to share my story, OP, as you said your MH won't allow you to be a full time mother.

I was the same - I had horrendous PND. I wanted to die. I made a thread about it on here actually.

I told my HV and she phoned the doc, I started taking Setriline that day and I'm having counciling and CBT ontop. The MH team come to me and life is so much better.

The professionals absolutely can sort your mental health so my advice would be to get the AD's you need and ask to be referred for talking therapys if they don't refer you automatically.

You'll then be more than capable to look after DC full time yourself until he's 3 and you will get free childcare and can pick up on your degree.

It will be a hard couple of years but the end will be in sight.

Best of luck, OP.

Social services will not offer housing. The housing department might but OP acknowledges that won't solve her problem of being isolated and needing childcare.

Yes, of course the father is abusive but being totally honest that doesn't mean he won't get care of the baby if the OP abdicates. It's not as simple as 'he's abusive therefore they will put the child in care'

There is NO guarantee that they would offer a parent and baby placement if they agreed to accommodate the baby at all. The probably wouldn't. And even if they did, parent and baby placements are short term for the purpose of assessment, not for support. If they don't see any likelihood of change they won't fund one.

I’ve re read your op, and I don’t quite understand the problem with your Mum- asking you do fasten a top for her, or to tidy your room ? Isn’t that normal ? I don’t think it is “passive aggressive” to not want to look after someone else’s baby,( even your own Grandchild, if that is happening very regularly). I imagine she didn’t realise that you’d blacked out from booze, but If you are drinking that much then you are a danger to your baby, you do need to stop the alcohol and sleeping pills. Are you breastfeeding? Because neither of those things are safe to pass on to your baby, aside from the basic risks of being drunk and drugged around a baby or child. Op are you being honest with social services, the GP I and your mother about the drinking, the sleeping pills etc ? I think foster care or a mother and baby home or care unit would be the best thing for now. Your baby’s safety needs to be the priority. Then with the baby safe you can focus solely on getting well enough to be able to properly parent him/her.

Actually the Mother and baby placements with my friend sometimes last for many months. I think the last woman and baby she had were there for over a year, so they do exist.

Op, sorry you are going through this, please don't go back to him.
Find somewhere for you and your baby.
Whoever told you there's no childcare is talking through their ass.
There are nurseries on every street corner.
A PHD would be lovely, but you have a baby and they need to come first.
Look at tax credits, maybe work pt and study in free time when baby sleeps at night.

I understand how you feel. I had terrible PND and MH issues after my first and several times I almost phoned SS to tell them I wanted to relinquish my baby. To be completely honest, what stopped me was thinking about how other people would react.

After I got help and slowly recovered things were so much better. Now I can't believe I ever considered living without him for a moment.

You can get better OP

Zander, where are you located? Pm if you don't want to post on here.

Your going to court tomorrow and you think contacting your ex who raped you is the way forward? First of all it won’t stop the court case tomorrow. Your a victim of abuse and the courts take that seriously and won’t simply throw it out on your say so. Your ex will also be breaching an order by responding to you so I think you need to deal with the issue here which is dealing with the fact you have reported your ex and are going to court. Your DM is your mum and I think you need to stop diverting your anger and upset onto someone who asks you tidy up after yourself and fasten her top! I have been a single mother too and it’s time for you to work on your mental health and be strong for your baby. You are there role model now

Vix, I'm not saying longer placements don't exist, they do. However placements are not set up that way. They may have been in the past but long term 'supportive' parent and baby placements don't have good outcomes in comparison with providing support for parents to keep the baby at home. If the risk is high enough for a p&b then it's not a case of just needing support and guidance.
Where placements usually last longer is where the parent and baby are waiting for suitable move on accommodation or where the parent is making really good
Progress but more slowly than anticipated.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something but your mum doesn't sound that bad. Is there more to it than asking you to do her top up and not wanting to do childcare?

OP of course you cannot go back. You were incredibly brave leaving and reporting him, you have got this far, you have to follow through. Think about it - do you really want him around the baby? He is incredibly dangerous, do you want your child growing up around him?

Surely you would prefer that your baby goes into foster care in a loving home than back with him? If you really don't want to parent your baby, which is ok - again it is brave to admit this. Wouldn't the baby be better off in care?

You have severe mental health issues, is there a good chance that your mum does too? Therefore this may explain her behaviour that is causing you so much stress.

Is the PhD actually necessary for your career? Or could you ask your mum to make you homeless, get rehoused and then look for a job? Then you could pay for childcare.

You DO have options, going back to the ex however isn't one!

I haven't read the replies yet op so someone may have already suggested this. I follow a woman on Facebook who works with women trying to get out/stay out of abusive relationships. She has contacts with so many services she might be able to help you with childcare and support. Please message her on Facebook and I'm sure she can help. He page is called part-time working mummy (I don't know how to attach a link). She left an abusive relationship so she understands how hard it is. All the best op

There is a fund at university to help with situations such as yours

You can go to mother and toddler groups to meet others and for a break. And a nice cuppa

Go to the gp ASAP re your mental health

And going back to your ex is a silly idea. SS wouldn’t allow that! If you resume your relationship the police would likely inform them

Although I’m surprised they aren’t involved already as your child was there when you were attacked (well in the house)

Your mum sounds like she's doing a lot for you already. Yes, privacy is a tough one, but she may not think walking in on you is so much of a problem (in my house we're quite relaxed about being seen breastfeeding etc). In terms of her response to you blacking out, maybe she doesn't know what to say?
And, not to be harsh, but she didn't sign up to be your unpaid childcare. That's above and beyond to ask, really, so it can be no surprise is she gets annoyed.

Okay, so your daughter gets raped and you begrudge her a few hours to attend counselling because you don't want to hold your grandchild - this is normal and reasonable, really?

Thanks everyone. Thanks.

@Zander2017 Please ignore the posts that aren't supportive. It's very hard to understand post-natal mental health problems unless you've experienced them yourself. For most parents it's impossible to imagine ever wanting to put anything in life ahead of your children, let alone putting them in danger, and I think people are reacting negatively to the suggestion that you might be willing to do this. Because of my own experiences, I know that this doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you're unwell.

Of course your mum should have your baby while you attend counselling but if she won't, she won't and you need to get yourself a plan B. How is your relationship with your HV? You're in a terrible situation and you definitely need more help than you've been able to access just yet, but I wonder if that's because you're asking for the wrong thing and nobody has yet spotted the underlying issues? The problem isn't that you need free childcare so you can carry on your PHD, it's that you are traumatised from the abuse and the rape, struggling to adjust to your new situation and quite possibly suffering from PND. You need treatment for your mental health as well as practical support in the forms the services are able to offer you. But you won't get that if you just ask for free childcare. Could you maybe write down the way you're feeling and share it with your HV? Don't focus on wanting childcare - focus on your emotions, your struggle to cope and the fact that you're self-medicating.

You have already been so brave OP. You can do this and you will be happy again.

OP your situation is truly dreadful and my thoughts go out to you and I wish you all good things.
But
You really are in no fit state to be caring for a baby, indeed you yourself need care.
Sorry your mum is of so little help, that can’t be helped whatever the rights and wrongs.
You have mental health issues and are drinking and taking sleeping tablets which to be fair does not put you in a good place to be a good mum.
Listen to the clever and experienced people giving you advice regarding agencies to contact. There IS help out there, especially when there is a baby involved.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES go back to your abusive, violent, rapist ex. DO NOT give him access to your vulnerable child.
There is no easy answer
But there are answers to be found.
(flowers)

Op . You have been through a horrific experience.

Do you have a children’s centre nearby . They can offer support workers? Not childcare. I would defer your PhD for now.

Focus on getting you straight . Concentrate on your Dd . Do you have a me team approach them for support.

Do not put yourself or your Dd at risk to be around him. You both deserve more.

Are you getting any sleep op ? Babies don’t help with sleep but post traumatic also doesn’t, try napping when Lo does .

You've had a hard time I know, but your mum has welcomed you back home, which is more than many parents would or even could offer. How much childcare are you expecting from her?