to give my abusive ex 50% custody of baby

[Zander2017]

I was with him just over 2 years and throughout the relationship he was abusive (psychologically, financially, physically, sexually). I few weeks ago he raped me. I phoned the police, they arrested him, took him to the police station. After 24hrs he was released "pending investigation". IO provided the police with a videod witness statement, forensic evidence, my clothes, etc, etc. Very surreal and traumatic experience. From that moment on, I went to live with my mum. A judge granted me a non molestation order and the ex has not been in touch maybe because of it (normally he would try to hoover me when I leave him).

My mum and I have an okay relationship (when things are going well in life), but when there is stress in life she turns into the most selfish woman I know. Living with her has been hell. I'm in my 30s yet she will walk into my bedroom at 7am (whilst I am lying in bed nursing baby) and demand that I fasten a top she has just tried on. She is passive-aggressive and gets resentful if she has to look after the baby (for example, if I needed to go to court or just to have a shower).

I normally have bad mental health (anxiety, depression and autism) but the recent stress has pushed me over the edge to a nervous breakdown. I have started taking sleeping tablets and drinking heavily. I blacked out for a few seconds yesterday and hit my head hard on the wall (it left a hole). My mums first words when I opened my eyes were "look at how messy this room is, you've got to tidy it".

I am a PhD student and have had to get a sick note for 1 month because of the recent stress. I am scared shitless how I will find childcare for baby that will enable me to complete my studies (just 1 year left). I am also not a natural mother. If I gave up my career to be a SAHM I would almost certainly end up committing suicide.

I have intense urges to go back to my abusive ex. I am incredibly lonely and can't meet up with friends (I say "friends" but I don't have any so what I mean is attend support groups so I can make friends) without having to literally beg my mother to look after the baby for a few hours; and then I deal with the resentment or flat out refusal from her.

Tomorrow I am in court. He will be there. This will be the first time I have seen him since "the incident". This case is the civil case for him to defend his side of the non molestation order. However I am having serious urges to drop all charges and drop all orders, because I just can't cope living with mum and I can't cope alone.

I have phoned social services begging for help. I have phoned the crisis team. I have phoned Women's Aid. I have seen GP. I have reached out to whoever can help stop me going back to him (essentially I need help with childcare!) No one is interested. I am yet to have any counselling for what has happend to me. No update from the police.

I am entitled to benefits but not enough to cover childcare. Uni cant provide childcare.

I'm in a desperate situation and posting here is literally all I have left.

Tomorrow do I drop all charges and crawl back to him (at very least give him 50% custody of baby) - or is there another way?

Defer your studies unless uni can provide childcare. You can't cope with studies on top of all this. When you are ringing agencies asking for support, is it just childcare you ask for? No help with advocacy or legal advice?

I am wondering if you can get into a supported housing scheme, like a mother and baby unit - as a previous poster said can you give us an idea of whereabouts in the country you are?

They would give me a house, but I would still be left alone to deal with a baby

Erm, he's your baby. Who do you expect to "deal" with him?
If you're a PhD student you've obviously already got a degree/masters degree. Can you take time out and get your shit together with the qualifications you already have.

And forget about your twatty ex boyfriend. If you allow him unsupervised access, let alone joint custody you need your head looked at.

Do you want the baby?

For the short term maybe the baby should go into foster care until you're on a more even keel. You can't continue like this, your responsibility is the safety of your child. If the only option available to you is to go back into that or give him 50/50 I fear you might make s mistake.

I was going to suggest foster care too.

Yes, foster care would be better than getting back together with a rapist abuser

If your family can't step up and help you out I think you need to go to social services. ASAP. At this point foster care seems like a good option until you can get yourself together mentally and physically. That's what it's there for. Foster carers will be able to give your child some stability while you can get some space. It's not a failure on your part. Your life sounds awful at the moment.

If you feel you can manage without the non mol just don't go to court. Send a message to the court that you cannot sit in a room with your rapist and you can't come. Hope the judge grants it to continue in your absence. To be honest, if he's going to come after you, he will, non mol or not, they are fairly toothless. Relieve the pressure on yourself.
Prioritise your baby - once things are less stressful you'll be able to see more clearly. A PhD can wait. Your baby can't. Let the council house you, put everything else on hold, deal with one thing at a time. Don't go back to him.

My son in law works in social services. They have foster carers who work with parents. Look up pathway care in your area and get a referral from social services. It is exactly for people like you are struggling. Ask the council for accommodation and defer your PhD for a year. You need to put your baby first now and your mental health. Get a GP appointment to help with your mental health and most definitely stop drinking. Contact AA if you are struggling with that. I hope you get yourself and your baby sorted but going back to an abusive ex won't help.

I can see if you go to ss and say you're struggling and need help with childcare, they're going to say no.

You need to go back to them and say you are drinking to the point of blacking out. You need to say you are suicidal. I think they need to be properly involved right now and foster care is definitely an option for your child. You need proper support to get back on your feet.

Don't go back to someone who has raped you. Your child needs a better life than that.

So, social services would have the funds to remove my baby and put him in care, but wouldn't have the funds for part-time childcare to enable him to stay with me? Makes perfect sense

Who are you funded by?

is going to a refuge an option?

What would happen there? It would only be short term before they put me in accommodation alone yes?

My mental health cannot cope with fulltime motherhood at the moment. I am suicidal.

Someone please tell me why contacting him would be a bad idea. Im so close.

Get yourself to social services again and tell them you are drinking heavily and taking sleeping pills and unable to look after your baby.

they will take baby away obviously. I love my baby but i am struggling and need help. i need time to go for a walk and breathe. I have panic attacks and nightmares and flashbacks. does this sound like a competent mother??

north east.

no homestart here.

I have a lot of experience as a PhD supervisor.
If you give more details about your progress (e.g., for how many years have you been doing a PhD? how close are you to finishing your thesis?) then maybe I will have something relevant to say.

I think if you was to go back to your ex, SS would be heavily involved. There's no way after everything that's gone on they'll allow you to put a baby back into that situation.
As others have said, you need to put your baby first.
It's so very hard when they are so small and at the moment you're not thinking straight.
Speak to your HV, she may be able to help to point you in the right direction with regards to emotional support. But I don't think anyone anywhere will be able to provide you with unpaid childcare sorry

Social services don't provide childcare so someone can do a PhD and why would they?

If you would seriously put your child at risk because you want to finish your course, they will have some concerns.

Go to a solicitor who specialises in childcare. They should be able to help you to apply to SS for a “child in need” assessment. This would be on the basis of your mental health, your abusive relationship and lack of support (your mother sounds awful, so sorry OP). Bear in mind that social services (SS) will tend to try to turn people away due to lack of resources. People often have to fight a bit to get the help they should. However, realistically if you want this baby, you do need to show that you will look after her - that could mean giving up on your studies for a while. Babies soon grow up. You will then be able to use a nursery.

Honestly I think you need to defer your PHD until you are in a more stable place. Focus on you and your baby and then when you are back on your feet you can think about studying again.

This is such a horrible situation. If you lived near me I genuinely would offer to babysit for you so you can take care of yourself. I’m south east unfortunately. Hoping someone can come along and offer some help soon. X

They have foster carers who work with parents. Look up pathway care in your area and get a referral from social services.

So baby and I can stay with a family and be cared for?

Who funds your PhD?

Do you get paid IOS options, have you used all of your emergency childcare leave? Do your Department have hardship funding?

This is all very familiar.

I have 1 year of my phd left.

your mother sounds awful

Im glad Im not just imagining it.

OP, I was suicidal with PTSD and my baby was not taken away. Social Services were very helpful.

I do understand how you feel - I just wanted someone to come and take my baby for a bit too and was convinced that would solve all my problems. What actually helped was getting the right mental health support and medication in place. Now I can cope with my baby and I'm so glad she was kept with me.

You've been through a very tough time but you can do this. Your baby is not safe with your ex. You can do this.

I believe there are some very exceptional circumstances in which SS will fund some childcare. However it wouldn’t be in order to allow a mother to study.

You are so stressed you aren’t thinking straight. Are you diagnosed and on treatment for your mental health? Use this as a route to getting support but you will have to do the work involved, stopping drinking, taking responsibility for your child and keeping yourselves safe. A refuge would provide you with on site support and support you into being ready to live alone with your child.

Asking for your child to be fostered is risky. Some SS will be amazing but some parents will struggle to have their dc returned to them and have to jump through numerous hoops to do so.

Please see your Gp tomorrow and keep asking for help but change the focus of your requests to getting support to parent rather than asking for free childcare.

So you are writing up? Or is that one year of research and then you will be writing up?