to give my abusive ex 50% custody of baby

[Zander2017]

I was with him just over 2 years and throughout the relationship he was abusive (psychologically, financially, physically, sexually). I few weeks ago he raped me. I phoned the police, they arrested him, took him to the police station. After 24hrs he was released "pending investigation". IO provided the police with a videod witness statement, forensic evidence, my clothes, etc, etc. Very surreal and traumatic experience. From that moment on, I went to live with my mum. A judge granted me a non molestation order and the ex has not been in touch maybe because of it (normally he would try to hoover me when I leave him).

My mum and I have an okay relationship (when things are going well in life), but when there is stress in life she turns into the most selfish woman I know. Living with her has been hell. I'm in my 30s yet she will walk into my bedroom at 7am (whilst I am lying in bed nursing baby) and demand that I fasten a top she has just tried on. She is passive-aggressive and gets resentful if she has to look after the baby (for example, if I needed to go to court or just to have a shower).

I normally have bad mental health (anxiety, depression and autism) but the recent stress has pushed me over the edge to a nervous breakdown. I have started taking sleeping tablets and drinking heavily. I blacked out for a few seconds yesterday and hit my head hard on the wall (it left a hole). My mums first words when I opened my eyes were "look at how messy this room is, you've got to tidy it".

I am a PhD student and have had to get a sick note for 1 month because of the recent stress. I am scared shitless how I will find childcare for baby that will enable me to complete my studies (just 1 year left). I am also not a natural mother. If I gave up my career to be a SAHM I would almost certainly end up committing suicide.

I have intense urges to go back to my abusive ex. I am incredibly lonely and can't meet up with friends (I say "friends" but I don't have any so what I mean is attend support groups so I can make friends) without having to literally beg my mother to look after the baby for a few hours; and then I deal with the resentment or flat out refusal from her.

Tomorrow I am in court. He will be there. This will be the first time I have seen him since "the incident". This case is the civil case for him to defend his side of the non molestation order. However I am having serious urges to drop all charges and drop all orders, because I just can't cope living with mum and I can't cope alone.

I have phoned social services begging for help. I have phoned the crisis team. I have phoned Women's Aid. I have seen GP. I have reached out to whoever can help stop me going back to him (essentially I need help with childcare!) No one is interested. I am yet to have any counselling for what has happend to me. No update from the police.

I am entitled to benefits but not enough to cover childcare. Uni cant provide childcare.

I'm in a desperate situation and posting here is literally all I have left.

Tomorrow do I drop all charges and crawl back to him (at very least give him 50% custody of baby) - or is there another way?

Someone please tell me why contacting him would be a bad idea. Im so close.

Because it will make a bad situation much much worse. Can you honestly cope with being raped again?

The foster carers work with the parents to try and get them to a point where they can have the baby back. Usually it is a temporary solution but it sounds like that is the sort of support you need. We live in south west and there are two offices down here. I think they are nationwide. If you go to social services and ask for free childcare they can't help. If you say you are struggling to the point of being suicidal and need some breathing space and support then some sort of assisted fostering where you still see the baby could be possible. I am not sure what the living situation for the parents comprises off but it could allow you to get a council flat and get your mental health in a better place.

Also have you applied for Disabled Students Allowance?

Social Services were very helpful

In what way?

If your baby is under a year, could you ask your GP or health visitor about a referral into a mother and baby unit? They would work with you to stabilise your mental health and care for you and your baby together.

I'm so sorry you have been through this, you are so very very brave.

I agree with others that you need to go back to SS and be clear about the situation, essentially you are seriously contemplating putting yourself and your child at serious risk of harm out of desperation and poor mental health, you don’t just want childcare.
Also speak to the university, it would be an odd university that had absolutely nothing in place to offer students it a situation like this.

Would fostering be the best solution for your baby at present? You have admitted you are not able to cope at the moment.

Your Ex is absolutely not an option.

Sorry OP, I can't advise you on the basis of your saying that you have 1 year left, it's too vague a statement. I'll try again: what does your advisor say about the quantity and quality of what you have written so far of your thesis?

can you move out?
could you afford an au pair?

Has he cared for the baby? Would he look after them well? If the answer is yes no need to go back to him he could get resilence. Has your baby got gps on his side that might help out?

Have you looked into using an advocate? In Wales, it is a legal requirement of the LA that they have one in place for people with disabilities. I’m not sure if it is the same in England but some charities may have them. They will be able to support you in asking for help.
Good luck.

SS are more likely to suggest that they should take your baby away if you go back to your ex as they'll consider you unable to protect her.

There was someone on here that used to take mothers and babies from difficult situations and help them get sorted as much as possible, hopefully she'll offer some advice.

My daughter did a PhD and it was the most stressful 5 years of her life albeit she was working full time as well. She had no baby or abusive partner though. I think you are ambitious trying to finish the PhD at this stage while caring for a baby. She delayed for a year and I think this is what you should consider. You just have too much going on and the baby should be the priority. Is working a possibility so you can earn enough to pay childcare? How old is your baby?

@Zander2017 They liaised with the crisis mental health team to ensure I had a daily visit from a doctor or nurse. They arranged for me to have a 12 week gym programme with free crèche facilities so I was able to swim once a week and get a break from the baby. They worked with my Health Visitor to ensure she was supporting me in the best way and she did weekly visits for months. They put me in touch with HomeStart and a volunteer came round once a week to take DD for a walk while I got the house cleaned. They also got me a place at a mother and baby group for other mums struggling with their mental health, and provided transport to it.

I would have killed myself without their help.

It's not normal to want your baby to be taken away, even for a bit. I say this as someone who has been there, not to shame you but to try and get you to realise that what you need is not free childcare and to be able to carry on with your PHD but mental health support. You are unwell and it's no wonder given what you've been through. But it can get better.

Its a bad idea to contact your ex because if you do there's a very good chance that social services will decide that you aren't able to keep your baby safe and protect them from your dangerous ex, and so they will remove them and put them into foster care. You've said this isn't what you want - so there's your reason. If he fought hard for his previous child and wasn't granted custody, SS dont consider him to be a safe person to look after children.

I think you should try and break down your future path into manageable steps. Have you spoken to your university pastoral care team about hardship finds you may be able to access? Does your university have a crèche? Is your PhD something you can do alongside caring for your baby? Are there local support groups for mothers that you can go to to meet people and make some friends?

There is only so much SS can do and the truth is if you can't look after your baby and the other parent is a violent rapist, foster care is going to look like the best solution to them. If this isn't what you want, then difficult as it is, you have to find a practical way forward.

Your situation sounds terribly difficult and I am so sorry for you. It is very hard for you. But there are also women who manage under worse circumstances - women who have no roof over their heads, no education, few career prospects etc. You do have some resources and you're obviously a very intelligent and resilient person to have managed so far. You will be able to find a way through this - I believe you can.

If you go back to him there is a real chance social services would get involved and remove the child
The child would be better off in some sort of Foster care and you visiting them everyday until you can manage it all yourself.
If you give that man 50% custody of your child then you are endangering them. What is to say he won't rape or abuse or kill the child.
He didn't fight hard for his last child because he wanted them, he fought hard as a last ditch attempt of hurting the mother. The fact he lost speaks volumes for the type of man he is and if social services are involved and hear you have given him 50% custody you could lose your child altogether.
A family member of mine lost access to her children. Her DP was told that he has two choices, stay with her and lose access to his children, or lose access with her and keep his children. He obviously chose his children.
And don't drop charges. By doing so you are making it easier for him to abuse another woman in the future.

you cant do that to your own child. There is no PHD or job in the world that is worth it. Seriously. i know youre browbeaten but are you actually seriously considering giving your child up to be abused by a known abuser? Fucks sake. This is your actual child. YOURS that you created that you have absolute responsibility for protecting, because you sure cant count on your ex

Finish your Phd another time, or dont do it at all. You wouldnt be the first and you wont be the last.
Get away with your baby and get some benefits for a bit.

I agree you need to pause your PhD. You have a baby now, things obviously can’t go on as before. Small babies are hard work. That is the reality, that is your reality and tough as it is you need to have some acceptance of motherhood and what it entails.
If you are genuinely suicidal then your baby needs to go into foster care. Your baby is the most vulnerable person in all of this, and you need to prioritise him. Baby needs to be safe and cared for, and you need to shift the focus away from your PhD and focus instead on your baby and your own mental health. Have you been properly assessed for post natal depression ? Because you sound as though you haven’t adjusted to motherhood and you aren’t getting any pleasure from your baby. Honestly it won’t always be like this. You get more competent at motherhood, and that takes time. You almost learn how to love a baby.
A friend is part of a scheme where she has a young mother and baby live with her, where the baby might otherwise be taken into care. She supports them both, giving the mother confidence in herself and teaching her how to be a mother. Maybe there is something similar near you ?
You’ve been through some horrible stuff, you are sad and traumatised. You need time to recover. I hope you and your baby get the support you need, but please don’t let your ex have any contact.

Bit off topic but hope it helps very long story short . I was brought up in a VERY abusive house hold the mood was dictated by my dad and both me and my mum got a good hiding if he was that way out he had affairs and very aggressive .My sister is the apple of my dads eye he would walk over broken glass and hot coals for her and her family and if you asked her he's the best dad in the world and tbh he is to her . So what ever happen he might be ok with your child obviously every situation is different and you would never put a child at risk .

This is not uncommon but it is certainly not proof that the man might be good like your dad was with your sister, just that proof that he might be shit like your dad was with you.

And your sister didnt have a great dad, she had a dad who abused her sister and mother. That's a head fuck there.

Op you would be very unreasonable. Your ex is probably not a pedophile but he psychologically and physically abusive. Your child will get the brunt of it. One day your child will bring home friends who will be at risk of sexual assault as well. Your ex will bad mouth you to your child. Don't think he won't. He will blame everything on you.

Do you have older DC OP? Think I recognize you from your other threads. Could their Dad possibly help a bit with childcare, even just once or twice a week to facilitate sibling contact and give you a little break?

Op does your uni offer family accommodation?

OP if you go back to SS and say what you've said here, you're struggling to cope, you can't manage the baby alone your considering going back to him or giving him access just because you can't do this alone right now, they will help you, that won't be with childcare but they can get you into a mother and baby supported living facility so you are not alone, they can speed up access to mental health services and provide the kind of support @peachgreen described, they will put a support plan around you and help you to manage and get well enough to care for your baby. Removing a child from parent is a last resort for SS if neither parent can safeguard, you can, you're just getting the affects of his abuse, but you can get through this with the right help.

Think very very carefully before you ask to drop the charges. If there's any chance it could be viewed as you making a false claim against him (and if you drop the charges that is what he will be telling people too) you could potentially find yourself in a lot of shit. I believe you could also possibly be arrested for perverting the course of justice? Is anyone in the legal industry reading who would know? So if you want to enquire about dropping the charges, choose your words carefully.

If you drop the charges and give your ex 50% custody, these are both things you could - and I think absolutely will - come to bitterly regret in the future when you feel stronger.

You need to reach out for help. Talk to your GP about your alcohol abuse, talk to your mother about how overwhelmed you feel, get on the housing list even if you're not sure how you feel about it yet, and I think you should speak to social services too. Ultimately you need to think about the worst case scenarios for every road. If it came to it, it might be better for your baby to be with a caring foster family for a while, rather than with their very abusive father and tying you to him. Can you defer the last year of your course while you sort out everything else? Can you speak to student services and see if they can help you with anything?

People PLEASE stop advising the OP to ask social services for foster care. This is TERRIBLE advice and will probably result in the baby going to live with the father and the OP never getting the baby back.

OP I'm sorry but there is no money for childcare or home help for you. We are in austerity Britain. You must defer your PHD and spend your time focusing on your mental health and alcohol issues.

In my area the women's alcohol services have a crèche which you can use if working on recovery. Maybe there is something like that? Also the women's mental health services have a crèche.

You absolutely can't go back to him or hand the baby over just so you can finish your PHD and get a break.

Hi all,

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circumstances, we're putting our heads round the door.

We always remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they are prepared to lose.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – sending love and best wishes from MNHQ.