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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to uninvite my friend

355 replies

Kallo · 04/08/2018 18:43

Name changed for this as it's quite specific.

Last night I was out with a group of mates, at an event where a couple I am friends with were also attending. Let's call them Bob and Margaret.

After the event me and my mates were going for a drink, I invited Bob and Margaret along. Bob was too tired but Margaret wanted to come along so Bob left and she waited with me for the others. Really I prefer Bobs company, although we have always socialised as a three. I decided to encourage Margaret to go home after Bob, and said I would see them in the week. She took the hint and went to catch up with Bob.

About 20 minutes later I got a text from Bob asking me that that was all about, and why I had treated Margaret that way. Margaret didn't contact me

Bob is the more extroverted of the two so I really thought it might be awkward or difficult with just her. She didn't look upset or anything she just said ok. They now don't want to see me for something we had planned this week.

I think I made the right call really and reckon I didn't have much choice, but now I think I have lost my friendship with Bob.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kallo · 04/08/2018 19:14

They arent married. ok, I get that it was rude and she was probably hurt. But when I invited them both I couldn't foresee she would say yes when he said no. If I had thought that might happen I might have still invited them and been prepared for it, or I just wouldn't have.

I never intended to be in a position where I would need to put her off coming, and I hoped she wouldn't realise and would agree she'd be better off with Bob. I think she might have said yes before he said no so she might have expected him to be coming when she said that.

But I agree, I was unreasonable I wish I had just gone along with it now, but I can't change the past.

OP posts:
TypicallyNorthern · 04/08/2018 19:15

I'd be mortified if someone did this to me and really angry if someone did this to someone I love. In fact I'd call you out on it, like Bob did.

You should take some time out for some personal reflection. You are actually quite horrible to do something like that to someone. There is nothing big or clever about treating people like shit.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 04/08/2018 19:15

I've been in a similar situation to poor Margaret. It really hurts, especially if you're naturally shy and you've decided to be a bit brave, then got shot down.
I honestly doubt your friendship with Bob will fully recover from this.

heartsease68 · 04/08/2018 19:15

I find these threads strangely heartening. They bring it home that there is really no need to try to please people generally, or care what they think, as many of them are twats.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/08/2018 19:15

I’d leave them the hell alone, op. They’ve already cancelled an event with you, are you so bloody thick that you can’t grasp that they want nothing more to do with you?
The nerve of you; assuming you can still be mates with Bob, if only he’s obliging enough to leave his boring missus at home Hmm
God love you.

PanPanPanPing · 04/08/2018 19:15

I'm very aware that in our immediate social circle locally, DP is 'the Bob' and I am 'the Margaret'. But none of our friends would treat me that way.

xFreePeaceSweetx · 04/08/2018 19:16

It was awkward because you made it awkward. Put yourself in her shoes. You decide to stay out and socialise even though the person you rely on in social situations has gone home. This is because you are putting yourself out there and trying to be a bit brave. Then your so called friend not only makes it clear that you aren't worth their time or friendship but also tells you to make yourself scarce?! You have probably set her back and made her feel like she shouldn't dare to try again. Don't apologise to Bob. Apologise to her. But don't be surprised if they just smile politely and cut you out.

Ohyesiam · 04/08/2018 19:17

Op you have to leave it to other people to make their decisions.
You thought she might be uncomfortable so you sent her away, you could have checked with her if she felt uncomfortable instead of deciding On her behalf.

You didn’t want the evening to be uncomfortable: well you could have waited to see if that’s what happened and take it from there. She may be fine with what you perceive as uncomfortable. If it turned out bad and you weren’t enjoying it you need to leave, not make executive decisions about what others should do.

heartsease68 · 04/08/2018 19:18

But OP - you obviously don't care about things being awkward when it's just Margaret, do you. It's not social awkwardness in general you have such a fear of. You're able to weather a cyclone of awkwardness without giving a shit when it's someone you don't care about impressing. Think hard about why you've sold your soul to impress these 'mates' of yours. You sacrificed Margaret so she wouldn't show you up.

TypicallyNorthern · 04/08/2018 19:18

I am also interested to know how old you are? This is the kind of thing that I would expect some bitchy 15 year old to do. As an adult if you get stuck in a situation which you can't get out of then you are usually mature enough to be kind and respectful and just suck it up.

viques · 04/08/2018 19:19

Wow. Kello# mean girl.

Needsmorebeans · 04/08/2018 19:19

I'm a Margaret too. You didn't 'need' to put her off coming and she didnt 'realise she would be better with Bob' because up to that point she thought you were nice and welcoming. Now she knows she was wrong. I stand with Margaret and Bobs a star.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 04/08/2018 19:20

Wtaf? Yes you were certainly unreasonable & rude as fuck Hmm
Interested as to how you think you can fix this-you've shown them, very clearly, that you're a shit friend & a mean twat to boot. Good luck.

FrayedHem · 04/08/2018 19:21

I think she might have said yes before he said no so she might have expected him to be coming when she said that.

And you don't think if she was feeling uncomfortable yo be without Bob, she'd have just changed her mind when he said he was too tired?
But it really isn't about your faux concern for Margaret's feelings. You didn't want her there without Bob and made it clear enough for her to leave. You can't really expect to treat Margaret that way and carry on being friends with Bob.

bubbles108 · 04/08/2018 19:22

Who died and made you god, @Kallo ?

Let people live their own lives , make their own choices and stop making decisions for them

You sound like a bossy controlling manipulative person

AlonsosLeftPinky · 04/08/2018 19:23

You were shockingly rude, absolutely unreasonable and a bit of a twat.

Good on Bob.

darklady64 · 04/08/2018 19:23

Wow! Staggeringly horrible! Everyone has already said why and instead of going "oh my god, I see it" you're just shrugging your shoulders and going "I can't undo what's done". Like a PP said, if I had made the decision (as an adult) to take you up on your offer of an invite, and then it had been made clear that my invite was only if my partner came too, I'd be devastated. I'm not sure profuse and abject apology will be enough to fix this, OP, and it doesn't really sound like you think you should do that anyway, so any apology would be a bit hollow.

Howhot · 04/08/2018 19:23

I still don't think you get it op. So basically you'd never have invited Margaret at all if you knew Bob would say no?

You are not yet friend. A friend would encourage you to come along and make an effort to include you with a new group of people, make sure you feel welcome etc

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 04/08/2018 19:23

It's also very telling that you state you may have lost bobs friendship but no mention of Margaret...

Monkee4 · 04/08/2018 19:24

I just want to say hi to all the Margaret’s out there! I’ve met people like you OP and it never ceases to amaze me how some people think they are so superior to others. If you can’t behave like a human being and welcome someone into your group in a kind way then shame on you! You obviously either have an over inflated ego or very little emotional intelligence or both sadly

darklady64 · 04/08/2018 19:24

And you think she was "probably" hurt!!

Ya think????

Lunde · 04/08/2018 19:25

Wow OP you ABVVU - I don't think that Margaret is the one that is socially inept as you seem totally oblivious to what you have done.

You invited them both and then made it really clear to Margaret that she is not welcome to socialize with you without Bob. You have made it totally clear that you are a shitty friend and didn't want to get to know her on her own. They have decided to end the friendship as a result of your nasty behaviour to Margaret - but you are not getting it!

awetpuddle · 04/08/2018 19:26

Oh for goodness sake OP, everything you say to defend yourself just makes you sound worse. What was so bloody awful about welcoming along someone you knew with a group of friends. So what if she wasn't going to be the top entertainer of the group? There was never any reason to 'put her off coming'
I don't think you are being honest with yourself about why you didn't want her there. It was never about her feelings but yours. Gently encouraging her to go home? Right. She knew exactly what you were doing. So does Bob. They see you now OP. Even if you can't see yourself.
Put this one in the 'learning from' category, look hard into yourself and grow a little.

Graphista · 04/08/2018 19:27

Frankly that sounds to me like you fancy Bob and have no interest in Margaret whatsoever even resent her.

You were extremely rude and if I were either part of that couple I'd want nothing more to do with you.

You behaved appallingly.

"I do like her" no you really don't!

EyeDrops · 04/08/2018 19:27

How unbelievably horrible of you. Oh, great, you can see she was "probably hurt"??! No, she'll be humiliated and desperately upset. If someone had done this to me, I'd be so crushed I think I'd struggle to even tell my DH, it's so humiliating.

You should apologise, but you may as well not bother. I wouldn't be able to believe it or feel comfortable around you again.

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