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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed she took my son back early?

252 replies

grumpymamma · 04/08/2018 17:16

My mum looked after my son last night, she had previously said she will look after him until 'Saturday evening' by half 2 she was back with him 😐
Aibu?

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 04/08/2018 19:48

Some low depths of humanity on this thread. Why aren't families allowed to help? I wish I knew where you lived as I would gladly help you out.

Even without the bereavement I didnt think you were being unreasonable.

It isn't some badge of honour to raise your children without having help from your family, though clearly some on this thread think it is.

I can only imagine how this thread is making you feel worse, and for that I am truly sorry. Please know there are some normal, empathetic people on here who are understanding and supportive of your situation.

The rest of you should be ashamed.

Tess57 · 04/08/2018 19:49

Why don’t people write a full post! I just read your update and am sorry for your loss, please tell your Mum how you are feeling she may not be coping well herself 💐

PowerPlayed · 04/08/2018 19:54

OP even without a deceased partner you weren't being unreasonable.

With two young children and a blood transfusion to contend with your mum should have been bending over to help you. Given the loss of your partner she should be doing that times 100.

So sorry that things are so difficult for you

Foodylicious · 04/08/2018 19:54

Adding Flowers and non mum's-netty hugs to what most if the others have said.

Just a thought, but have you and your mum thought of her staying At yours eith DS whilst you are in hospital?
He may seem less 'full on in his own environment, with his own toys and bed etc.

Let her know it's ok to have the tv on (for hours) whilst she drinks coffee and eats cake (or white chocolate)

Wishing you the best of luck OP Bear

SparklyMagpie · 04/08/2018 19:54

@Tess57 why don't posters refresh and read the fucking updates before writing insensitive crap ?

Whyisitnotcompulsory · 04/08/2018 19:57

OP I completely understood your frustraion from your first post and I am so sorry you've had to explain what you're going through just to highlight how difficult things are for you.

Ignore the nasty posters.

All the Flowers for you! You're mum could do more imo. I know I will if my daughter's go through anything like you are BrewCake

Maybugger · 04/08/2018 20:09

Perhaps your mum might find it easier if she stayed at your house OP? I would find it much easier to be at my DGS' home than have them here. Unfortunately a serious health problem precludes me caring for them for the foreseeable future 😢

SnowyAlps · 04/08/2018 20:17

I don’t have grandchildren yet as my ds’s are 14&18. However, I would like to think that I am going to be the nanny that will help out as much as my sons want when the time comes. My dm sounds a lot like yours this is the exact thing she would have done.

I’m so sorry for your lossFlowers and wish you all the best with your little one.

CoolCarrie · 04/08/2018 20:21

YADNBU, your mum sounds selfish and thoughtless. I am so sorry for your loss, and good luck with your new baby.

Weedinosaurus · 04/08/2018 20:21

OP, there are some dicks on this thread even before your update. Family and communities support each other full stop! Someone looking after your child for a short amount of time is NOT some sort of superhero who you will forever owe your life to! People with hearts and a conscience help each other out.

Sending good wishes your way OP and in answer to your question, YANBU

perfectstorm · 04/08/2018 20:22

I can't believe MN sometimes. People are legitimately behaving as though it's a gross imposition to ask a grandparent to care for a grandchild when someone has a baby. Um, isn't that normal? For most people?

OP YANBU. You're heavily pregnant and your mum has offered to give you some time to rest while she has your preschooler, and then without warning or explanation, brought him home hours early. Most people would be a bit annoyed in that situation. It's human to be.

perfectstorm · 04/08/2018 20:23

Oh OP, I missed the last update. I am so, so desperately sorry for your loss. That makes her behaviour so much worse. Again, so sorry.

Flowers
Excited0803 · 04/08/2018 20:38

So sorry for your loss. Even just being pregnant in this heat and needing a hospital trip out would have been nice for your mum to do more for you, staying in with the boy so you could nap maybe. Friends, neighbours and other family might be ready to help; can you make a list and think about a range of options? Then talk to your mum about how much time she thinks she can manage given this trial run. Even if she's not been great (which I don't think she has), at least she could cover some of the time; you'll need a lot more support after the caesarean than one night so take everything you can get. I hope your new baby brings joy back to all of your lives.

Hateloggingin · 04/08/2018 20:47

Op, on mumsnet you always have to be ridiculously grateful if grandparents have one grandchild for all of 2 minutes, it’s the law Hmm

Personally I think grandparents should want to spend time with their grandchildren. If I was your mother I’d be living at yours (or you at mine) to help you as much as possible during this horrendous time Flowers

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2018 20:48

Absolutely no one I know who is a grandparent would behave like this. (and I know lots)
I assume all of you who think it's ok and perfectly normal won't be any help to your children when they become parents.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2018 20:50

As a matter of interest, how old is this poor, worn-down grandma?

Original poster
grumpymamma · 05/08/2018 00:57

Thank you all for your comments, it has been the hardest time of my life. My kids are my world and I'm scared at bringing up all three of them alone now. The blood transfusion was something that was needed for a while but due to me not feeling up to it, it was only scheduled for the Friday.
My mum is 53.
Not that it's really relevant but she only had him in January for two hours - her reason being "I want to sit on my ass and eat cake" if I asked her for help she would say no so that's why she hasn't had him since.
Funnily enough I had some late night WhatsApp pictures from her of her cooking a two course meal for my brother and girlfriend so that hurts.

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 05/08/2018 01:15

I feel for you, not having help you can count on. That’s the crux of this. She can’t hold up her end of the job she volunteered for. She’s working off spontaneous feelings and preferences, which is pretty bloody useless to you. I’m guessing it’s been a while since YOU prioritised your feelings, so it’s even worse.

My DM loves the idea of being a grandparent, but not the reality. I’ll never forget being in the throes of recovery from a traumatic birth (with significant injuries) and begging my DM to come and take the baby for a few hours. She came, with lots of dramatic fanfare. And returned the baby 13 minutes later, expecting thanks and praise.

It took me more time to get the baby’s things together, than the time she had her out of my house!!!

Good luck for next week, you’re due some.

Tomatoesrock · 05/08/2018 02:13

Oh OP I am so sorry for your loss and your troubles. Do you have friends that can help you? Are there any services available? Can you afford to employ a sitter while you recover? Are you in Ireland? If not she will just have to get on with it she will have no choice if you are not at home, It is not forever and he is her dgs.

All aside I also say I have to bring the DC to school etc, who cares its dialect.

Greenyogagirl · 05/08/2018 02:16

If she said she’d have him until a certain time then she is BU but could it just be a mistake, got ice cream and went park before taking him home etc
On the other hand it’s not your mums job to look after your kids, do you have a plan b if she can’t have him whilst you’re in hospital, who will be having the other one?

Greenyogagirl · 05/08/2018 02:19

RTFT so sorry for your loss, it must be a really difficult time for you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2018 04:53

I’m so sorry for your loss. Flowers

tildaMa · 05/08/2018 05:14

So sorry for your loss and the general situation you're in right now.
Sending Flowers and all the chocolate you want, the good one.

You are quite right to be annoyed. She volunteered and couldn't even be bothered to do what she promised, even though she knew you're going for a blood transfusion not a massage.

I'd be relieving her of fulfilling the promise to care for your eldest and seriously reconsidering how much contact should there be in the foreseeable future.

triwarrior · 05/08/2018 05:25

I’m sorry, OP, it’s very disappointing when your parents consider spending their time with their grandchildren as a chore for which they need to be rewarded (even if only with chocolate!)

longwayoff · 05/08/2018 07:05

When you get older (mum) you dont always have the resilience and patience you used to have. Maybe she couldnt take any more. You sound quite grudging. Maybe look for a babysitter for a few hours instead.