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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed she took my son back early?

252 replies

grumpymamma · 04/08/2018 17:16

My mum looked after my son last night, she had previously said she will look after him until 'Saturday evening' by half 2 she was back with him 😐
Aibu?

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 05/08/2018 07:21

@longwayoff, she is recently bereaved and pregnant and she sounds quite grudging? You sound horrendous and I'm glad I don't know you in real life.

longwayoff · 05/08/2018 07:24

Dont worry filthy, wont be happening.

FilthyforFirth · 05/08/2018 07:27

Thank god. The world needs less people like you.

PattiStanger · 05/08/2018 07:40

FFS the mum's not old, she's 53!

Plenty of 53 year olds will have DC not much older than 4.

It sounds like a lack of communication, if there s a next time make sure you're both clear up front about the timings and expectations

sandgrown · 05/08/2018 07:42

OP I have the greatest sympathy for your very difficult situation but you do mention your mum has booked time off work to look after your son. I think it would be harsh to tell her now she won't be needed. Let her build the relationship with your son . Can your brother help too ?

PrueDent · 05/08/2018 07:49
Flowers

Your son did a lot of fun things with your mum, and they both said they had a good time, so maybe when he said "She doesn't want me" what he actually meant was "I wanted to stay longer, do more fun stuff, eat more ice cream, but she brought me home."

When your mum said "until Saturday evening" her thinking may have been "I said I'd cook Son and GF a meal Saturday evening so I can have dgs until then" without thinking about the time it takes to turn around between the childcare and the cooking. In her head evening; in practicality early evening start cooking, late afternoon return home, early afternoon take dgs home.

Have you spoken to your mum since? Properly spoken? Asked her how it went with your son, how she coped, what she found difficult, any questions she may have about his routine or the way you do things? Have you asked her how she would feel about having him for several days while you're in hospital, bearing in mind that there is a possibility you may need to stay in longer if baby has jaundice, or any other complication should arise? Might it be easier of she came and stayed at yours while you are in hospital so ds has his own bed, toys, books, entertainment etc? Or could you offer to send him with a collection of dvds, game console if he has one, tablet if he has one. Tell her it's ok for him to have a lot of screen time if she needs the break from constant physical or mental activity.

Good luck, OK. I hope you get something sorted.

CarrieAnnCamping · 05/08/2018 07:49

Crikey op you are having a tough time. Your mistake here was expecting your mum to be a reasonable, compassionate person. I am sorry she isn’t, I guess you know now you can’t rely on her. I am absolutely sure the father of your partner who died would look after your dd if you asked him and you felt he was able to, he sounds lovely and very caring. I am very sorry for the loss of your partner.

And hoping this is helpful (I don’t give a crap about you getting it wrong but to help you avoid the grammar trolls again)...

bRought is linked to bRing so it means you carried it (not literally if it’s something like another person!) with you.

Bought is when you have purchased it.

Good luck to you with your c-section Flowers

Theresnodisneyending · 05/08/2018 07:50

So sorry for your loss and difficulties. AIBU can be a tough thread to post on, because you're asking for strangers' opinions. I think, in the kindest way, if you'd put the full story to start with no one would've thought you were BU. As it is, now seeing your update about what's really been happening, of course people sympathise with you. I hope you can get some more support when it's promised from now on (and not led on about it). Flowers

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 05/08/2018 08:06

OP where are you and let's see if we can find support for you via a charity??

YANBU. You must be devasted at the moment.

So sorry for your loss. Remember 1 day at a time Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/08/2018 08:35

grumpymumma Ignore the rude twats picking you up on your post. Most posters have managed perfectly.

What's the relationship like with your mum? It seems odd that she was so very keen to have your son and then struggled with it. It's sad that he picked up on this too. Who will take him and your 18 month old whilst you're in hospital? I really hope that you have alternative childcare sorted as this stress isn't good for you. Thanks

==
croprotation if your comprehension can't stretch to understand what OP might possibly have been saying then perhaps just don't bother? It didn't matter and your posts just made you sound like a knob.

PowerPlayed · 05/08/2018 08:36

I'm so sad for you OP.

Even the least hands on grandparents ought to be able to pull out the stops for their child in your circumstances.

Since it seems you have nothing to lose can you be very blunt with your mum about what you need:

"My DP has died and I'm sad/frightened/exhausted/scared. I need you to clean the house on Monday/take the kids for three hours in Friday/ pick up groceries on Saturday"

Or whatever it is that you need. Also please ask other people for help. I'm sure people have said to you "let me know if I can do anything" we'll start saying "you know what, it's difficult for me to ask but yes could you do x/y/z". I imagine all but the most hard hearted would love to offer some practical support.

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 08:43

You say you don't have a partner to look after the children, but they must have a father regardless of your relationship status with them. If you're in hospital maybe their dad needs to look after them, where's the father of the unborn baby?

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 08:44

Sorry hadn't seen your partner died. Are his family able to help if your mum isn't keen?

LotsToThinkOf · 05/08/2018 08:49

OP I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Things must seem so difficult now, but you will get through the other side of this.

Who is providing you with support? Do you have anyone close who is supporting you emotionally? It doesn't sound like your mum is, and she should be judged massively for that. Would your mum find things easier to look after your child with you? So at your house rather than at her house? It might be peace of mind for you too.

Ginorchoc · 05/08/2018 08:59

Crikey what an awful time, there are some childminders who offer overnight care. Although I just couldn’t imagine not helping my daughter out.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/08/2018 09:13

I'm surprised at some of these responses.

Just because the mum was doing the OP a favour doesn't mean good manners and general communication need not apply.

A text to say they were on their way back would have been appropriate imo.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 05/08/2018 09:17

I have a 4 year old they can be a handful especially in this warm weather. I think you’re pretty lucky you had a night off tbh and should be grateful for that she had him from 6.30 the previous day till 2.30 that’s not bad going.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/08/2018 09:22

Unreasonable to expect your mum to help you out when you are heavily pregnant and just got out of hospital Confused

Seriously what parent wouldn’t want to help our their daughter when she is going through a difficult time

I don’t think that is unreasonable at all (if they are physically able to) but not all mothers are thoughtful and only want to do things on their terms. I have to heap praise on my mum when she looks after ds Hmm

BakedBeans47 · 05/08/2018 09:27

I know plenty of people will say you’re BU and how it must have been sooooo hard for her to look after him, GP don’t have to help yada yada but I don’t think you are BU. I don’t understand GP like this. My parents have always been brilliant in looking after my kids when I need it. It’s not so bad now they’re bigger and it’s really just sitting with them but even when they were smaller they were great. They know it’s to help me out. I don’t understand why people wouldn’t want to help their own kids when they need it. Eg yesterday did your mum not think oh she’s heavily pregnant she could do with a rest? And the bar of chocolate thing is weird.

woodywoo2 · 05/08/2018 09:39

I'd be disappointed if she were my mother.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

BakedBeans47 · 05/08/2018 09:46

Oh and I’ve just read your later updates.

Poor you. It makes it even worse how unsupportive your mum is being. Good luck with the new baby x

Flightbite · 05/08/2018 09:50

That's very disappointing for you, she's not being nice to you when you most need it.

Thanks
Raisinshoes · 05/08/2018 09:51

Op you will obviously be needing a lot of support right now, and I hope your family really step up and give you assistance when you need it. And yes your Mum really could have held on for a few more hours if she really wanted to help out.

I get annoyed when people overstate how much help they are going to give, and then fall way short. It’s not fair to offer to do something and then back out without good reason, especially when someone is depending on it.

Mishappening · 05/08/2018 09:52

Just sounds like a misunderstanding. Could you not have said: "Oh I thought you were having him till X time." Then she could have told you why she brought him back early or if she had misunderstood the original arrangement.

Try not to brood on this - it sounds as though you are going to need her around in the next few months!

Tangofandango · 05/08/2018 10:00

*croprotation

  • It should be BROUGHT my son back early. If she TOOK she would be taking him somewhere else. And yes, she was probably bored of him. Kids that age are thoroughly tedious, unless they are your own.*

It should be "bored WITH him" not OF him. If you are going to correct someone's grammar you should at least make sure your own is beyond reproach.