People who are ALWAYS late

[Mammmoo]

A small someone who manages to get places on time (& yes I have children) AIBU to get pissed off with people who are always late to meet me? I mean surely these people get to work/kids to school on time?

Today we have relations coming to visit. 90 min drive, we do the other way (a lot) and it's a painless journey, we've never encountered traffic issues yet they do...every time. Today I'm making lunch for 1, only now they won't be here until 2 so we can "go ahead and eat if we are hungry."
I know I should make provisions for their being late but everytime I think maybe this time they'll manage to be on time?
They're not the only people I know who do this and it makes me so cross!

I've missed a flight due to lateness and have got on with seconds to spare so many times. Airports are horrendous for me in general as I hate flying but still do it.

Luckily the flight I missed was only Luton to Liverpool.

DS is suspected autism with ADHD tendencies so getting out the door on time is difficult, but surprisingly I'm never late. I'm always ready ten minutes before I leave due to rigid preparation and alarms on my phone to tell me when I need to do what.

It's rude & shows they don't value or respect you. It can also be a power thing, ie. You have to wait for me, because I am more important.

Stupomax
Your Mil has learned helplessness. She's learned people will do it for her. I've stopped enabling a friend like this. Miraculously, she's made it, so on time, to all her DD's regular hospital appts . I have social phobia & anxiety: I'm never late.

I have a friend who is chronically late. I don't know what happens for her, she just loses time and faces calamity and adventure at every turn.

Because I know she will always be late I fib about start times and just make sure I have leeway for her farting about. Apart from the lateness shenanigans I love her dearly.

She blows in with apologies and always a story and a drama and then we get on.

It's frustrating but some wild souls are hard to hem in.

Of course some people are just rude fuckers and need to be told as such....

Batch up whatever you have cooked for them and use it as meal prep for the week.

Your Mil has learned helplessness. She's learned people will do it for her. I've stopped enabling a friend like this. Miraculously, she's made it, so on time, to all her DD's regular hospital appts . I have social phobia & anxiety: I'm never late.

If I told you she had dementia I wonder if you'd say she has learned helplessness.

I don't think there is ever a good excuse for being late all the time. As most have said, it is rude and inconsiderate and shows that they don't respect your time. I would be very angry and inclined to greatly reduce any time spent with them. I'd really pull them up on it and not let go. It's not on, OP.

Stupomax
If you don't give the full story it's not other posters fault. It's drip feeding. Of course I know dementia isn't learned helplessness, I've lost 2 grandparents who had dementia. Also OP isn't talking about those with dementia so you Mil's lateness is a different issue she can't help.

If you don't give the full story it's not other posters fault. It's drip feeding. Of course I know dementia isn't learned helplessness, I've lost 2 grandparents who had dementia. Also OP isn't talking about those with dementia so you Mil's lateness is a different issue she can't help.

She doesn't have dementia - she has ADHD.

Both affect the brain and how it works.

People understand dementia and that it affects how the brain works, but they don't understand ADHD and how it affects how the brain works.

That's why I'm asking if you'd still say she has learned helplessness if I said she had dementia.

It doesn't actually bother me that much if someone's late, as long as they've kept me up to date and not left me guessing.

I get irritated at someone being early though (if they're coming to my house). As relaxed as I am about latecomers, people who turn up early are really, really annoying.

I don't mean to undermine the annoyance of people who are constantly late because they just can't give a shit. Those people deserve to die a slow and horrible death, and I know several of them.

But there are a few who I now understand much better, and forgive. Mostly.

It's rude & shows they don't value or respect you. It can also be a power thing, ie. You have to wait for me, because I am more important.

That's your perception but you cannot see inside peoples brains. I certainly don't feel like that - more the opposite and that I don't feel confident and so faff about. Stress procrastinating.

It's phenomenally rude to be late - I'm only ever late if there's something truly unexpected like cancelled train.

I met with an old friend for a late lunch last week, I took my kids, a right juggle to get there because parking being closed off anywhere nearby. I arrived with two minutes to spare.

The venue was quite posh. She was a clear hour late and by the time she arrived the kids were frantic with having to behave doing nothing for an hour and starving. It was melting hot in the place and her texts kept saying she was just a few minutes away so I didn't order. Persistent lateness is a feature of of the colossally self-absorbed, I knew there was a reason the friendship had drifted.

If anyone here is chronically late try working backwards from the deadline to when you need to leave, then doing the same from when you need to leave to when you get up. Really think about it. Don't just plump for a vague idea of when you need to leave or start to get ready. Work it out like a calculation.

In general get into the habit of allowing more time and expecting to get fewer things done in the time available.

If you've got X errands to run expect that each will take longer than you expect and cull one out of your list each time if you can.

If you're going away plan to have everything packed and laundered a full 24 hours before you go. Work backwards to figure out when you'll need to do things to hit this early deadline. Everything takes longer than you expect but paring out errands/allowing stupidly generous amounts of extra time means you won't look like a disorganised twat.

Sorry being punctual a bit of a hobby horse of mine.

Yes JeSuisPrest has it, I think.

Occasional lateness I can cope with - in particular the "oh god I just stopped for petrol and now there 's a massive queue and the card machine has crashed" type of lateness, as long as people let you know what's happening. This has happened to me in the past and I appreciate a bit of give and take. I also have a friend with OCD who I know really struggles and I tend to just take a book and wait for her, or we arrange things that aren't time dependent (e.g. pop over for a DVD rather than go to a film)

However, the category of people who are chronically late because they never realise that the endless errand-running en route places affects their timing, or who simply don't care and think you should be more relaxed about stuff drive me bananas.

I had a work colleague who was like this and we frequently had to travel together. She doesn't drive and I lost count of the amount of times I would be left sitting in my car in front of her block of flats, waiting for her to be ready to get going. We'd often have to drive to the airport then fly, and after two times where we had to run and only just made it to the plane (one of which only happened because while I was waiting I paid to upgrade us to fast-track security), I decided I wasn't going to do it any more. Her attitude was "That was FUN! Like in a movie! HA HA"

I told her what time I'd be there for our next trip and what time was the absolute latest I'd leave. Reiterated it again before I set off for hers, then again when I was outside. She still didn't appear and so I phoned her to say I'd be leaving in 10 minutes. Yes yes, fine I'll be down in two ticks. 10 minutes later she still hadn't appeared so I simply left.

She was absolutely FURIOUS that I had actually gone without her.

She missed the flight, couldn't come to the meeting and while I was there I had a revelation that it wasn't just the flight thing - when I was there alone I also didn't have to make any random detours into shops for things she'd forgotten/wait for her to redo her makeup in the loo/get changed/take a phone call etc. etc. I simply went to the meeting, did what I needed to do and returned to the airport. It turned out that I was done so early that I was able to get bumped to an earlier flight home.

My boss couldn't figure it out and I do regret not being more blunt with him about it. However I did tell him that it wouldn't be possible for me to travel with her any more and I swear my blood pressure dropped 20 points. Miraculously she always managed to get herself to the airport on time from then on, and simply meet me on the plane...

Moral of story: don't just hang around waiting for the late people - crack on with your day and either they'll learn not to treat your time as less important than theirs or you'll shed yourself of a CF acquaintance.

I am always early. The idea of being late makes me freak out. I need to plan in a large buffer otherwise the slightest delay makes me anxious.

I think this is a reaction to my mother who although lovely is always late. As a kid I would feel so embarrassed and humiliated when I was late for school or we kept people waiting.

I think one of the reasons people get particularly stressed about flying is that it is one of the few times that there are consequences for being late.

I think the vast majority is avoidable.

I"ve said upthread that lateness doesn't bother me to the extent that it obviously does other people, but just reflecting on this, it does seem to be quite a British thing, getting very, very cross about people being late.

Like many people on MN, I've lived in different bits of the world, and in many countries, being excessively uptight and angry about someone being a few minutes late would possibly be considered rather odd.

I rarely think of lateness as being 'rude' as that sounds almost like there's intent...I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and just assume the late person is crap at organising themselves.

As crimes go, it's pretty small in my book. There are far worse types of behaviour people can display.

Agree with you there BetteDavis. I’m from the US, California, although live in the UK now. It doesn’t bother me that much people being late. It just bothers me if I’m late, which I never am.

My husbands siblings are spectacular.
I realised that if say i said lunch at 2, they would be at home at 1.30 just starting to think about leaving. Then there would be faffage and they would leave at 2.15 with a 40 minute drive.

I think you can tell a lot from their reaction if they are so late you couldn't wait.
If they really can't help themselves, they'll probably be full of apologies. If it really is anxiety, of course I would be sympathetic; perhaps arrange a meet-up without a deadline?
If it really was a case of "my time is more important then yours" they can truly be indignant.
Once had a colleague who would ask for a lift home when I was getting ready to move off. To begin with, I'd agree, then realised I was sitting in the parked car, drumming my fingers while she found "important" things to faff over.
When I finally said that I was happy to oblige, but had offered to get my DF to the station for a particular train, so would move off in time for that - and did! - the umbrage taken was immense.
Quite interesting watching her torn between the desire to ask for another lift, when she had decided unilaterally that we were no longer on speaking terms.

I also have ADHD and find being on time really difficult.

My in-laws are the opposite- always ridiculously early which is almost as annoying. They will say they are coming to visit at 12 then turn up an hour and a half before that. Happens every single time.

I used to be late to social things but realised in my late 20s that it was rude and made me look immature (which is partly what it was down to). So I adjusted and was soon always on time barring actual unforeseen events. Then I had twins and everything went to pot again for a year. More adjustment. Back on track. I'm expecting it to blow up in my face again when the twins become more self-sufficient :D

We had friends who were always late (after we had smugly adjusted to being on time). So I would tell them to be places half an hour early. I don't know if they clocked or if they just realised it was something they needed to change, but I ended up getting caught short a couple of time when they turned up right when I'd asked, so then I looked like the disorganized one!

I have a friend like this - she is late for every single thing because she just faffs and faffs, and never leaves enough time for her faffing. It is not a control thing, it is just poor executive function. She has no insight into the it - she blames 1000 different things for making her late.

I've learned never to make plans with her that are time critical, and NEVER to agree to give her a lift to anything with a fixed start time.

We recently signed our DSs up to a series of half hour swimming lessons - her DS missed 2/3 of them because she is literally incapable of being less than 20 minutes late for everything.

I know quite a few people who insist that everything is a 5 minute drive away. So even if everything goes to plan, they’ll still leave the house 5 minutes before the actual appointment. That’s never going to work is it? But they never change.