To never host for friends again?

[LupiPie]

I met these (until recently, I thought) lovely ladies through DC's swim class.

I've been to one of their houses before for lunch and drinks so I thought I'd invite them both to my house.

We all got on great, as usual, and then the comments started coming. I'm not usually an anxious and conscious person, but I must be because I remember every word and still shudder with embarrassment.

Person 1 "Your house is lovely, so clean!"

Person 2 "I could never keep my house this clean"

Me, can't remember my exact words, but said something like "Thanks ladies, I do love a clean house. It doesn't come naturally though. I'm always doing bits and bobs!"

Person 1 and 2 now look at each other and sort of exclude me from conversation.

Person 1 "I'd just much rather spend the time with my little one! What's the point? I don't think it's good to waste time on cleaning too much"

Person 2 laughs "Me too! I just think they're only small once. I haven't got time to clean. I just hide everything if anyone important is coming!"

They then both burst into laughter

I keep replaying what they've said in my head and I feel awful.

I feel like they felt out of place in my house. And I would never want anyone to feel that way.

I never judge or take much notice of anyone's house state, not really.

My own is very clean and tidy because I'm on the ball and keep it that way. I'm not a magical fairy that clicks her fingers. A tidy home makes me happy but I understand that's not for everyone.

I never miss out on my DC... We are always doing things, always out and about.

I just feel quite shaken by it all.

Ridiculous really, but AIBU not to invite them back?

I think it's just as bad as saying my house is a shit hole!

@JustTheLemons: Sounds to me like they both felt your clean house showed up their dirty ones and made the comments to try and make themselves feel better

My thoughts exactly. I am a slob and my house is often (always) a mess.I am also sometimes a horrible person, and if my mood took me there, I might make those sort of snide comments, simply to make my slovenly self feel better and justify (to myself) my tip of a house.

All these replies along the lines of 'they think they got one over on you', 'ganging up', 'holding power' and 'showing you who's boss'...

It all sounds so ridiculously paranoid.

Who accepts an invitation from someone they don't really know that well (so can't possibly have some sort of person gripe with), and then goes around to their house to 'get one over on them'?!

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck:-it’s a duck. You sensed they were having a go. They were having a go.

I had this with one of my book group ladies. I know I wind them up because I sometimes have mildly differing political views and so, as a group, they have decided I am the next thing to Adolph Hitler. One of these very nice woman said pointedly of my house that it was very tidy in a voice which suggested I should be locked up for my OCD. She was intending to be rude.

It was nasty at the time especially as I think the others were also colluding in her seemingly mild attack. However, I took plenty of no notice as my mum used to say and it all blew over.

It is perfectly possible to have a nice house and give plenty of attention to your children. There is something a little adrift with those who cannot manage it. It usually means they do not want to live in tidy or clean houses and that is their business. But if a person likes things uncluttered then that, too, is their choice.

Your house put them on edge. They are not your tribe. I'd hang back from pursuing these friendships and wait to see what they say/ do, if I were you.

They were being bitchy. I’ve had this on occasion, either excluded by houseguests or snide backhanded compliments about the state of my ‘lived in’ house. If they make you feel uncomfortable then fuck them off and move on. Don’t waste your breath telling them how you felt, they’ll go into denial and use it to bitch even more.
I’ve wasted too much time and emotion on people who make me feel bad about myself, no more, one strike and out as far as I’m concerned now. (I’m a sensitive and ruminative type, probe to anxiety and depression. things like this really upset my equilibrium, especially in my home which is my safety zone).

I think they did feel out of place in your house, but it's their issue if they do.
I have a good friend whose house is always spotless, this has made me avoid inviting her round to mine in the past as my flat is never up to her standards. My flat is clean but not like a showhouse.
I then realised that she shouldn't judge me, and she doesn't so I do invite her over. The problem was with me, but I never considered her to not spend time with her children, far from it, she's an amazing mother.
I generally think they were intimidated by your lovely house. It's not fair for them to make you feel bad for this though.

They are rude and probably envious.

The kind of people who make those type of bullshit comments just use it as an excuse because they can't be arsed looking after their home. All good trying to be holier than thou saying "I'd rather spend the time with the kids" etc, but let's face it, I wouldn't want my lo crawling around on a dirty floor or washing in a dirty bath. They're probably too busy watching telly rather than flinging the vacuum round once in a while.

Let them be snide, it's just a cover for their own short comings. I can understand why that made you feel shit though, because it's the insinuation.

They were probably jealous.

@froodledoodle

Full marks for honesty!

Now I feel bad about every comment I’ve ever made about someone elesss house. Cleaning is a real source of angst for me, I’m just not very good at it. I feel lesser for not being able to keep on top of a bunch of simple tasks or failing to get my kids to do their share. I drool over clean, organised houses that are well decorated.

There are some adverages to a messy house, creatives types often like a mess so they can see what they’re doing. Messy people would never waste a sunny day on chores or stop their kid’s finger painting on a dull afternoon. Tidy people have adverntages too, they can sit without that nagging feeling they should be working and they come from a chaotic world to a clean one.

Make an offhand remark non of this really matters anyway and if the cattiness carries on make new friends.

If they made you feel uncomfortable then that's enough - you don't have to justify it.

From what you say yes it does seem that they were trying to made some sort of sad point and ganging up against you .

Maybe you are being a bit over sensitive but so what - it's how they made you feel so why would you want to see them again ?

“There are some adverages to a messy house, creatives types often like a mess so they can see what they’re doing.”

Where did you exptrapolate this gem from? Cause none of the hundreds of creatives I’ve worked with were like this, bar one or two “stereotypical” mad architect with piles of paper all over his desk.

Some people love a clean house others aren't that bothered it takes all sorts to make a world . Go with the flow see how it goes with the friendship and if it's still a bit weird and judgey*& awkward move on .

I have a fridge magnet which says "Dust testing in progress. Do not touch the samples" which sums up how tidy my house is!

I'd never be so rude as to insinuate that somebody's house was so clean that they don't spend time with their children.

I would say that I'm too good at procrastinating to get my tidying done.

I'm a tidy clean house-proud person and I regularly get nice comments on it, but I'm also a welcoming host who likes to put people at ease (Blowing my own trumpet, I know)

I don't insist on shoes off for guests, I don't get out the best china, I don't lay out coasters, I don't constantly run around whipping up dirty mugs as soon as guests have had their last sip etc. I consciously choose to forgo my 'perfectionist' ways when I have guests. I will purposely say "oh don't worry about your shoes, just go through" "no don't worry about crumbs, I've got a hoover, I'll sort it later!" ...and then go at it like a crazy mofo as soon as they've left!

Because I'm fully aware how people like me can make others feel on edge.

I know because my DGM (God rest her soul) was also very clean, tidy and houseproud, but also very judgemental of anyone else who wasn't. And being a guest in her home was truly awful. She'd do all the things I mentioned above. She'd eyeball every move you made and she'd immediately rush to any thing she considered mess (a few crumbs, for example) and make a dramatic fuss with over-dramatic huffs and tuts, eye-rolls and head-shaking, like you'd just left a dog shit on her table.

I'll never forget the time I accidentally dropped a glass of blackcurrant squash on her Axminster... she went ballistic! Screamed and shouted at how clumsy I was, that I was a stupid stupid girl, she actually cried tears and then gave me the silent treatment for several days. It washed out, but the fact I'd done it all was enough for her to need several days before laying eyes on me again. She absolutely hated the carpet after that, even though there was no sign of the spillage, simply because she "couldn't forget about it" and had to go out and buy a new one, blaming me for her "falling out of love" with it.

So what I'm saying is... there's having a nice clean house, but a comfortable and welcoming home. Or there's a nice clean house, but a constant tense air from the host that silently screams "just drop one fucking skin cell in my beloved sterile sanctuary and I'll cut your fucking throat!"

To the rest if us my DGM was a host of the worst kind, but she genuinely believed that because she was so particular OCD that made her the best kind of host and everyone else was simply beneath her.

Some women just get intimidated by other women who can do loads with there kids!, keep a very clean house and do home cooking have all the washing and ironing done and have a place for everything and everything in it’s place!, I was one of those women that use to get the nasty remarks about being super woman and the like. But at the end of the day I just always needed order around me, still never stoped me from have tons of kids in the house and garden, and always having party’s, and people round. I alway just managed to get back on top of things the next day. Some people can do it!, some can’t !! it would be a boring world if we were all the same. You just run your family and house the way that make u happy. And ignore the nasty jibs and be proud of your family and home.

I'd never be so rude as to insinuate that somebody's house was so clean that they don't spend time with their children. As GinghamStyle says, this.

I like a clean and tidy house, we have a part-time housekeeper which is obviously a great help, and we / I have routines to ensure that everything stays clean and tidy, or can be put back to clean and tidy very quickly. It also helps that our home is very small, but has adequate storage space.

Just ignore and try to forget the snarky comments, OP. They reflect entirely on those women and not at all on you. Totally your decision not to invite them back.

Petit, yes I'm similar, my house is always spotless, it's always guest ready, but I have friends over often. They wear their shoes inside, their dogs cover my white bed linen and cream carpets in muddy foot prints, as they run in and out excitedly. there are no coasters, and drinks and empties are left lying all around as people socialise.

It's cleaned when they go. I'd never dream of anything else, no one would know I'm a bit anal. But when they are gone, it gets put back together fast. When they are here, I don't stress about rhe sticky rings or the muddy paw prints, because I'd rather they relaxed and had fun, than worried about putting drinks on coasters and chasing the dogs round to prevent paw prints.

@petitcornichon

I can't believe there is another women out there exactly, precisely like Mil.

Dh was sick on her carpet and the whole lot was replaced. Extraordinary, especially the superior aspect which is what I find the worst part

@PetitCornichon & @MrsAidanTurner - my MIL too. I think that’s part of the reason why she hates me (my house is a mess & she is very judgmental about it). She was also howling about having to replace the hall carpet when Ds2 spilled some coke on it (all cleaned up by me, couldn’t see it). Bloody hall carpet fgs.

I’d have felt the same as you, to be honest. I really don’t care how other people live. Everyone has their own standards and it’s not for me to judge. But I can’t stand all the ‘messy children are making memories’ etc. It’s just an excuse for people who don’t tidy up, in my opinion. If you need a sign to justify your house being untidy then you aren’t comfortable in your decision to not tidy up.
I like a clean and tidy house. I like to know if I want something I can go find it straight away. I still manage to have a clean and tidy home despite having two children. And they don’t miss out on time and ‘memory making’ I’m like you OP. It’s natural for me to take something out of a room when I’m leaving and put it away. I always give my surfaces a quick wipe when I wash up. Inempty the wash basket every morning and stick a wash on if there’s enough. I don’t find it that hard to be tidy. My kids are allowed as many toys out as they want but we tidy them up at the end of the day. They clearly knew they don’t have houses as nice as yours and were justifying it to each other.

...especially the superior aspect which is what I find the worst part

Yes MrsAidanTurner this is what I came to dislike the most. The superior attitude. I loved DGM very much, and we were actually quite close, but her refusal to see that it was her that was hugely OTT and that everyone else wasn't "living in a pig sty" became too much.

I stopped inviting her to my home because the constant criticisms left me feeling shit. She'd always bring her rubber gloves and some cleaning materials and 'help' me out interfere and make me feel like I lived in squalor Sometimes even changing around furniture or rearranging my drawers. She even brought her own china cup to leave at my home for her visits so she didn't have to drink out of my cups.

My DSIS only ever invited her round once. DGM rang me immediately after to complain at the "filth she lives in!" and how DSIS had had the brass neck to serve her a cup of tea in "you'll never believe, a mug.... A MUG, that even had a chip in it! Eurgh, what's wrong with her!" I remember laughing as it was so ludicrous but she was super annoyed and refused to ever visit DSIS again.

I eventually moved to another county for work and would make regularly visits back home, and DGM would insist on me staying with her. I hated it and would really get stressed and anxious beforehand. But the last time I ever stayed I was meant to stay for 4 days, but I snapped after a couple of days and went to stay with DM when I discovered that DGM had been rifling through my bags without my permission looking for my dirty laundry to wash (I prefer to take it home and wash it myself), and she had separated my underwear from the rest of my laundry to soak in a bowl outside in disinfectant before she would allow them in her washing machine.

She crossed a huge line with me that day. Made me feel so small. I never stayed with her again.

'soak outside in a bowl of disinfectant before she would allow them in her machine' 😂😂😂

Wow.

I was brought up so differently, we were taught to be polite in other people's homes etc.. Concentrate on your host rather than the house.

It's literally never happened to me before I met Mil.. This extreme cleaning and judging...
She loves and uses the word filth... She spits it out.. I had filth on a work surface... Disgusting filth... ( some plates waiting to go into the dishwasher)

My dc are still young and it gets them down.. I was raised so differently... I feel bad exposing them to this extreme behaviour. I'll never forget mils claw jewelled hand grabbing by beautiful daughters wrist, as she went to sit on her precious cream sofa...

Haha. Brought back memories.

My late mother always used to compare me negatively to my DSis. Her house was 'Home & Garden' spotless, whilst mine was clean:-)

I took to sprinkling baby talc on furniture before she visited. She'd run her finger along the sideboard and hold it up to inspect with disgust. The thing was, my DSis and I would be on the phone howling with laughter between visits. She'd look inside my kitchen units to inspect their state. There was never any rivalry or offense. We just accepted that we were all 'at where we were at'. IYKWIM?

I've turned into my mum. I don't impose this on my children. Life's too short. My DSis is now in a wheelchair and struggles. But her house is a home. God I miss all the shenanigans. This thread has taken me down memory lane.