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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never host for friends again?

228 replies

LupiPie · 04/08/2018 11:04

I met these (until recently, I thought) lovely ladies through DC's swim class.

I've been to one of their houses before for lunch and drinks so I thought I'd invite them both to my house.

We all got on great, as usual, and then the comments started coming. I'm not usually an anxious and conscious person, but I must be because I remember every word and still shudder with embarrassment.

Person 1 "Your house is lovely, so clean!"

Person 2 "I could never keep my house this clean"

Me, can't remember my exact words, but said something like "Thanks ladies, I do love a clean house. It doesn't come naturally though. I'm always doing bits and bobs!"

Person 1 and 2 now look at each other and sort of exclude me from conversation.

Person 1 "I'd just much rather spend the time with my little one! What's the point? I don't think it's good to waste time on cleaning too much"

Person 2 laughs "Me too! I just think they're only small once. I haven't got time to clean. I just hide everything if anyone important is coming!"

They then both burst into laughter Sad

I keep replaying what they've said in my head and I feel awful.

I feel like they felt out of place in my house. And I would never want anyone to feel that way.

I never judge or take much notice of anyone's house state, not really.

My own is very clean and tidy because I'm on the ball and keep it that way. I'm not a magical fairy that clicks her fingers. A tidy home makes me happy but I understand that's not for everyone.

I never miss out on my DC... We are always doing things, always out and about.

I just feel quite shaken by it all.

Ridiculous really, but AIBU not to invite them back?

I think it's just as bad as saying my house is a shit hole!

OP posts:
Sweetcarrielynne · 04/08/2018 11:25

I think they were probably feeling defensive and making excuses for themselves (even though they obviously didn't need to. YANBU to be upset, that was rude of them. If you otherwise like them and this was the only rude thing they've done then I think it would be an overreaction to never see them again, but if you think it's part of a pattern I'd understand wanting to phase them out.

RoseTinted1 · 04/08/2018 11:26

Yanbu to feel uncomfortable.
Yanbu to invite who you want to your home.

Yabu to discard the friendships because of what sounds like a throw away comment - they are probably worried you will judge their homes if they aren't as clean - that would be my worry and I have anxiety.

yaria · 04/08/2018 11:26

Cliquey bitches... you're best off without them

Screaminginsidemeagain · 04/08/2018 11:27

Personally that was their insecurities coming out. They have had you over to their homes and now seen how clean and tidy yours is, they probably feel inadequate.
I always do in a clean house.
The comments were to make themselves fell better not put you down.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/08/2018 11:27

They were twatty and snide but I wouldn’t spend time worrying about it.

MrsAidanTurner · 04/08/2018 11:28

Op of course it's rude and bad manners.

I do wonder though... Whether you had inadvertently made them feel uncomfortable before the comments?
Eg in my house I wouldn't notice where someone put a cup.

Mils house is spotless and you feel tension the moment you walk in,, it's a minefield of traps... Mistakes.. Very Mrs bucket... If your conscious of your space.. And aware of people in your space.. Accidently not using coasters (as examples) maybe they felt really stiff and awkward and they tried to make light of it.....

Whisky2014 · 04/08/2018 11:28

I was on the "they are justifying their messy houses" train until that coaster comment...come on. You wany people to be relaxed in your house, dont be horse eying someone putting a drink beside a coaster not on it..its hardly the end of the world

Original poster
LupiPie · 04/08/2018 11:28

Let it go. They felt bad when you said you have to put lots of effort in as it implied someone who doesn't is lazy!

I didn't mean to imply I put a lot of effort. I just said I'm always doing bits and bobs. Which I probably am, but it isn't consciously so.

For example, I'd never just leave something I can see needs going upstairs if I'm going upstairs. It isn't a chore because it's a natural response, like shutting an open door or something

I don't actually find it difficult at all to stay on top and I do wonder what all the fuss is about sometimes, but I know I'm just naturally tidy and that's what works in my favour

If you're not, that's fine too. Nobody really cares

OP posts:
QuoadUltra · 04/08/2018 11:28

You are going to be lonely and stressed if you treat interaction with people like this. Maybe they were not perfect, but they want to be friends with you. Let it go.

MrsAidanTurner · 04/08/2018 11:29

X post whiskey Grin

FindoGask · 04/08/2018 11:31

The giggling amongst themselves and making jokes at your expense was twatty, yes. I'm not sure I could be bothered with people like that beyond pleasantries at the swim class.

Original poster
LupiPie · 04/08/2018 11:31

I was on the "they are justifying their messy houses" train until that coaster comment...come on. You wany people to be relaxed in your house, dont be horse eying someone putting a drink beside a coaster not on it..its hardly the end of the world

Ahh, let me explain myself a bit better. I never make anyone feel uncomfortable or have any special 'rules'.

I also didn't ask anyone to use coasters, they were already out.

The both of them sat down before me as I was seeing to the kid's. I saw it happen though, the little interaction.

And I definitely saw it as "Better not put that there Becky! She'll be cross Wink" type of exchange.

Disclaimer, no Becky's were present Grin

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 04/08/2018 11:33

You're massively overthinking. These ladies probably know each other better than they know you, so have spent time in each other's homes and are laughing that they aren't as houseproud. No reflection on you per se.

Urbanbeetler · 04/08/2018 11:33

Talk to them about it? Next time you’re together say I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable - I sensed a bit of tension - I hope you don’t think I think my way of doing things is the only way - it just suits me. We can be different can’t we?

Slartybartfast · 04/08/2018 11:34

you were there, you felt uncomfortable op.
dont waste your energy thinking about them, it is Their Issues, not yours op.

RoseWhiteTips · 04/08/2018 11:35

LostInShoebiz

Can’t believe those bitches, saying your house was clean!

Overreacting much?

😂

Whisky2014 · 04/08/2018 11:36

Ok but even if you haveny specifically given a list of rules...it must feel like that to them/ an aura of perfection is hard to livr up to. Tbh i wouldn't be hurt or feel shaky at any of what you said they have done and i think you need to work on your anxiety.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 04/08/2018 11:37

I think they were trying to make themselves feel better. They wanted you to say how it’s normally a right mess and you’ve had a quick clean.

Next time say “oh don’t worry, you can’t help it if you’re naturally mucky!” and laugh along.

holycityzoo · 04/08/2018 11:37

They were being bitches.
There seems to be a group of women who think it's cool to not give a shit led by "instamums" who take pride in not caring.
That's fine if they want to be like that but don't ridicule people who do things in another way.
Personally I find when my own house is a mess or needs cleaning it's really impacts on my state of mind. If my kids are busy playing I will wipe round the kitchen or I will do stuff when they're in bed they certainly do t miss out. I have no problem with toys everywhere throughout the day but we all do a tidy before bath time.
However I have loads of friends who's houses are untidy etc.. and I couldn't care less.
Commenting either way is not a nice thing to do.

TheProvincialLady · 04/08/2018 11:37

Anyone who thinks they have never unintentionally caused offence by light hearted conversation is deluding themselves. If you have always got in well with these women and never had cause to doubt your friendship, and this is the only incident, you would be crazy to label them bullies or bitches as some people have on this thread. It’s easy to say drop them but people who hold their friends to such impossible standards aren’t likely to have many friends. No one is perfect.

If it was me I would see how the friendships go and if I found myself feeling this way again I would say something at the time rather than let it stew - and I would step away from any friendship where I felt like this more than a few times. But I would not drop friends on the basis of one very minor incident like this.

MrsAidanTurner · 04/08/2018 11:37

Op.

Just a thought.

My Mil thinks she is the world's best, kindest most amazing host.

She's super proud of her large clean house. She has a smirk as she serves you tea... In small China cups with saucers... Etc.

It's not pleasant.. It's a minefield.
Op these ladies were not nice, they sound childish and immature. If I was in someone's house I wouldn't join up with my fiend to make jokes or smirks.
I may comment after we have left but I wouldn't want to make the host feel embarrassed.

But.... It is worth having a teeny think.. Did I make them feel aware when they came in... Why would they suddenly spark off about house..after all..

A clean house is hardly a novelty...

MrsDarcyIwish · 04/08/2018 11:39

I am definitely picking up a dynamic of the two of them against you, however slight.

As pp have suggested this could stem from them feeling judged or inadequate even if this was not your intention.

I would step back a little from this friendship, keep it chatty and light and on neutral ground and see where it goes without overinvesting or overthinking.

Moussemoose · 04/08/2018 11:40

I feel a bit uncomfortable in overly clean and tidy houses like if I do anything wrong I'll be judged. It makes me nervous. So if I put a drink down and missed a coaster the hostess might assume all sorts of stuff when really I just don't bother about that kind of thing.

I know I'll make a mistake and not live up to their standards I feel awkward.

It's just another point of view.

Whisky2014 · 04/08/2018 11:40

Their Issues, not yours op.

On the contrary, i think it is the OPs issue.
I actually have a friend who posts things on fb like "my house is a home to be lived in, not a showhome." Honestly, her house is a tip. I keep my house clean and tidy and if my mate made the comments as the ops friends have, id just laugh and explain why i prefer a clean house (and internally think about her messy home that cant be nice to live in).

RoseWhiteTips · 04/08/2018 11:41

Have read the bit about the coaster. Now THAT is childish and not very nice.

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