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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never host for friends again?

228 replies

LupiPie · 04/08/2018 11:04

I met these (until recently, I thought) lovely ladies through DC's swim class.

I've been to one of their houses before for lunch and drinks so I thought I'd invite them both to my house.

We all got on great, as usual, and then the comments started coming. I'm not usually an anxious and conscious person, but I must be because I remember every word and still shudder with embarrassment.

Person 1 "Your house is lovely, so clean!"

Person 2 "I could never keep my house this clean"

Me, can't remember my exact words, but said something like "Thanks ladies, I do love a clean house. It doesn't come naturally though. I'm always doing bits and bobs!"

Person 1 and 2 now look at each other and sort of exclude me from conversation.

Person 1 "I'd just much rather spend the time with my little one! What's the point? I don't think it's good to waste time on cleaning too much"

Person 2 laughs "Me too! I just think they're only small once. I haven't got time to clean. I just hide everything if anyone important is coming!"

They then both burst into laughter Sad

I keep replaying what they've said in my head and I feel awful.

I feel like they felt out of place in my house. And I would never want anyone to feel that way.

I never judge or take much notice of anyone's house state, not really.

My own is very clean and tidy because I'm on the ball and keep it that way. I'm not a magical fairy that clicks her fingers. A tidy home makes me happy but I understand that's not for everyone.

I never miss out on my DC... We are always doing things, always out and about.

I just feel quite shaken by it all.

Ridiculous really, but AIBU not to invite them back?

I think it's just as bad as saying my house is a shit hole!

OP posts:
flutteryleaves · 04/08/2018 12:21

no, i was explaining a similar situation which happened when i hosted.

Lindalee3 · 04/08/2018 12:21

I am also baffled as to why (some) people think if you have a clean home, you don't spend time with your kids.

Batshit!

As has been said, women who slag off other women with clean homes, are just trying to make themselves feel better about the fact their homes are shitholes, and they're fucking bone idle! Wink

mintui · 04/08/2018 12:24

Ignore those bitches trying to justify their slob tendencies.

starcrossedseahorse · 04/08/2018 12:25

As has been said, women who slag off other women with clean homes, are just trying to make themselves feel better about the fact their homes are shitholes, and they're fucking bone idle!

Crikey, not much solidarity here is there? And may I mention that men can clean as well...some people here seem to think it's women's work.

starcrossedseahorse · 04/08/2018 12:26

Ignore those bitches trying to justify their slob tendencies.

Blatant and horrible misogyny here. Why?

Jaxhog · 04/08/2018 12:26

How utterly rude! Ignore them, they're just jealous and rude.

museumum · 04/08/2018 12:28

Sorry OP but I think your first response was a bit smug and patronising.

It was you who said keeping the house clean isn’t easy and you have to work hard at it “always doing bits”. Can you not see how that might have made them feel? It sounds pretty superior. You could just have said “thanks”.

Moussemoose · 04/08/2018 12:29

If so one says "oh you have lovely hair" do you reply "yes it is I work really hard to keep it this way"?

Or do you just say "thank you"

And if they go on to say " my hair is always a mess I can't be bothered with straightening it I don't have time" are you offended?

Don't look for offence.

Original poster
LupiPie · 04/08/2018 12:30

Moussee no but I might take offence if they then added "I don't have time to do my hair, I'd rather spend it with my children. They're only little once"

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 04/08/2018 12:33

Just reading your post it sounds like you abu and totally over reacting and over sensitive.

However i once had a very passive aggressive friend who would always say things that 'sounded' nice or innocent but the 'way' she said them always made me feel like shit. Id constantly walk away from her feeling bad about myself but if i repeated what she said to others they couldn't understand why i was upset.

Passive aggressive people are very good at making themselves seem innocent while their victim looks crazy or over sensitive.

Its hard to make new friends so i think you should give them one more chance just in case you picked them up wrong but if you get those bad vibes again then you'll know for sure they're a pair of bitches so you can walk away without second guessing yourself.

NoParticularPattern · 04/08/2018 12:33

YANBU. I don’t have a problem with someone commenting about the house (mine is definitely not clean!!) but the “oh we prefer to spend the time with our DC” comments is just slightly over the line. It’s essentially implying that you clean rather than spend time with your kids. If they want to have horrid discussions about how you are too busy cleaning and have too many house “rules” then they should do it on their own time- not right in front of you!! I know it’s hard to infer tone via the internet (impossible!!) but obviously you were there and know if they were genuinely being sarcastic/jokey or if it seemed more like a dog.

Having said that I’d probably just not offer to have them around again. Or at the very least make a PA comment about how your house was too clean/you’re too busy cleaning if they suggest anything. I mean it might not win you any friends, but I’m not sure real friends would be like that in your home.

NoParticularPattern · 04/08/2018 12:34

A dig not a dog

GreenMeerkat · 04/08/2018 12:38

YANBU. I think it was nasty, especially a sit was two of them giggling together.

I'd have asked you to come live with em and clean my house haha!

GreenMeerkat · 04/08/2018 12:38

*me

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2018 12:41

no but I might take offence if they then added "I don't have time to do my hair, I'd rather spend it with my children. They're only little once"

Ok, reading this and your op back "shuddering with embarassement" "keeping relaying it in your head" "feeling awful" "feeling quite shaken" " don't want to invite them back" then clearly you're deeply sensitive and probably like a bit of drama.

You don't need to find a reason to end the friendship, I'm sure rhey will manage without you. Just don't invite them again, and decline if they invite you. Be polite but distant in the playground or where ever you see them. Job done.

farangatang · 04/08/2018 12:44

YABU to 'NEVER host for friends again' but YADNBU in feeling belittled and offended by their passive-aggressive, bitchy comments!

FrangipaniBlue · 04/08/2018 12:45

I think the little green eyed monster crept in and they're trying to make themselves feel better by justifying why their houses aren't as clean and tidy!

It could also be that they felt you saying about working at it and always doing bits and bobs was you having a go and suggesting that people who don't keep on top of their houses are lazy so they felt they needed to defend themselves, tit for tat so to speak!

I generally don't have the time of day for people who make themselves feel better by bringing others down but on this occasion as it was the first and you've said you like them I think I'd give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.

hungryhippo90 · 04/08/2018 12:46

You’ll find they felt uncomfortable because compared to your house both of theirs is a shit tip. Not a proud moment for them.

It stems from embarrassment on their part.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/08/2018 12:47

They were very rude, don't invite them again!

Kazplus2 · 04/08/2018 12:48

You're over thinking it. I would make that sort of comment without thinking twice. More a reflection of their untidy house than of your nice tidy house.

Moussemoose · 04/08/2018 12:49

Ok one sentence that was 'slightly over the line' and they are the bitches from hell?

I make mistakes all the time I hope you don't judge everyone that harshly and I hope other people are more forgiving of my mistakes.

I don't know perhaps they are not nice, but I wouldn't break a friendship based on one incident.

Smellbellina · 04/08/2018 12:50

I’d stay acquaintances with them but wouldn’t kid myself they were actual friends. Friends are kind and don’t look to make you feel shit to make themselves feel better.

QueenOfIce · 04/08/2018 12:51

Pay it no more attention sounds like they're just trying to justify their shit tips. Good for you for being able to keep a clean house!

Iggi999 · 04/08/2018 12:54

Sorry, the coasters were outside weren’t they? You must see that as a little odd.
I suspect it’s all in the tone and if OP came across as little miss perfect or not

loveka · 04/08/2018 12:57

That is horrible of them.

Reminds me of a time I invited new friends over. One said "I love your house Loveka. It isn't dirty at all!".

Another friend had told her my house was dirty!!!

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