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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding with unexpected photo of dead relative

138 replies

AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:04

Would you think it reasonable to be confronted by a photo of your parent, who had died last year, at a relative's wedding? Without being asked if that was ok?

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 03/08/2018 21:05

I think it's nice they haven't been forgotten.

CarrotandSwede · 03/08/2018 21:05

I would say no it wasn’t reasonable. Who is the relative though?

RedHelenB · 03/08/2018 21:06

Yes if they were related or very close friends.

EmeraldVillage · 03/08/2018 21:06

More info needed

Chapterandverse · 03/08/2018 21:07

It's perfectly normal in my circle. It's a way for the bride and groom to remember those are no longer with them.

My niece gets married soon and I am sure she will have a pic of my sister (her auntie) somewhere and she won't ask anyone's permission- she was a much loved aunt and died far too young.

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 21:07

I think I’d like to have been warned in advance but would think it lovely that my parent was still loved and included.

My mum died last year, and honestly? Seeing an unexpected photo of her would literally take the feet out from under me. It would be really hard.

LuluJakey1 · 03/08/2018 21:07

Do you mean you went to a wedding and a relative showed you a photo of your mum or dad? Or you were somewhere and saw a photo of your mum or dad at a relatives wedding?

Sciurus83 · 03/08/2018 21:08

I think this is ok, but it hasn't happened to me so I think your feelings are valid too

glintandglide · 03/08/2018 21:08

Yes I think that’s reasonable. They’re taking the time to include the parent in the day x

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/08/2018 21:09

If the 'relative' was your brother or sister, I would say they have equal rights with you over the decision to do this, but they still should have discussed it with you.

Anyone else should have asked permission!

peanutbutterclusters · 03/08/2018 21:09

i don't think its unreasonable, it sounds like the bride/groom maybe wanted a little memory of your DM/DF a their wedding.
however i do hope you are okay OP, it must be hard to lose a DParent. Flowers

Original poster
AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:10

Ok picture of my father. Relative one generation removed. I had no idea and was shocked. My brother also did not like it.
Fine to be remembered in a toast, it was just the picture without warning or permission.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 03/08/2018 21:11

I would expect them to check whether the closest relatives (children, spouse etc) were happy to put the photo up.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 03/08/2018 21:11

I think it's perfectly reasonable, unless it was some weird shrine or put in the place at the table or something but I think a photo of them at the wedding is a lovely way to remember them.

EmeraldVillage · 03/08/2018 21:12

Where was the picture and what was it’s purpose?

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 03/08/2018 21:13

What do you mean by relative? Was it his grandchild? Or neice/nephew or just a random distant relative.

I think maybe a warning might have been nice but I think asking permission is a bit off.

CherylBlossom · 03/08/2018 21:13

This happened to my aunt a few months after her husband had died. It really shook her although she could see the good intention behind it. Not something I would do. I think unless the photo is of your parent/child or possibly sibling you should prepare people. Particularly if it is a recent loss!

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 21:13

I’m sorry that happened to you and your brother OP. I think the thought was kind, but the lack of warning was thoughtless.

I caught sight of a photo of Mum at my friend’s house the other week and while once I’d calmed down I realised it was lovely that she’s still remembered by others than just immediate family, when I saw it it was like getting smacked in the face. My legs went to jelly and I just sat down on the sofa.

I know I sound ridiculous and over dramatic but it wasn’t a conscious decision, it was fully just a really strong physical reaction.

DeadGood · 03/08/2018 21:14

“Fine to be remembered in a toast, it was just the picture without warning or permission.”

Permission?

Think you’re going to lose a lot of support off the back of that word...

sockunicorn · 03/08/2018 21:14

i understand it is your mum/dad but its their aunt/uncle/whatever. They have a right to love and want your parent to be part of their day. That parent wasnt just yours to love and you should be proud they were so well loved that people want them to be at the wedding. So they are not being unreasonable. HOWEVER it would have been polite to drop you a quick "we are remembering your mum" message to warn you.

Crunched · 03/08/2018 21:15

Oh golly - I would be really touched by an image of my late Father or FIL at a significant family event.
What a lovely idea - it is so easy for those not so close to the departed to airbrush relatives away because they don't know what to say to the bereaved.
I do hope you weren't upset. I would be emotional but in retrospect so happy my loved one was important to others.

sockunicorn · 03/08/2018 21:16

sorry op, just seen you updated and were specific it was your dad so ignore my /s. Flowers

Original poster
AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:18

I can only describe it as a small shrine table with 3 other photos, candles and flowers.
I found it very inappropriate and was inappropriately upset, although I said nothing. My mother was also there and was visibly upset.

OP posts:
bruffin · 03/08/2018 21:18

My niece had a photo of my Mum (her bank)I loved it, shed a little tea, but she was a much loved grandmother who was very much missed on the day

LivLemler · 03/08/2018 21:19

So it was your niece or nephew? Presumably they consulted their parent who ok'ed it. This custom wouldn't be for me, but I think it's getting more common. I was very close to a cousin who died, I wanted to include a mention of her in the ceremony booklet. I asked her sister who said no, so I left it out. Fair enough.

In this case, if I'm right and someone with an equal relationship to the deceased as you approved the plan, I think that's ok. I know that feeling of shock you must've felt, but with all the palaver of organising a wedding they probably just didn't think to warn you.

It's ok to be wrong footed, but I wouldn't hold it against anyone.