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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding with unexpected photo of dead relative

138 replies

AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:04

Would you think it reasonable to be confronted by a photo of your parent, who had died last year, at a relative's wedding? Without being asked if that was ok?

OP posts:

CluedoAddict · 03/08/2018 21:34

I think that was a lovely thing for them to do.

Chapterandverse · 03/08/2018 21:34

I'm Irish- it's a very common thing here for a small table to hold framed photos of loved ones who have died. And there's a toast to missed loved ones- it's been done as long as I can remember and is always seen as a lovely thing.

I can't imagine anyone asking permission, in fact it's almost expected here.

My friend got married recently and her much loved grandma passed away a few years ago. Friend had a brooch made with her grandmas face on and it was pinned to the handle of her flower bouquet. It was a way to include her in an event she would have very much been a part of had she still been alive.

BachAtTheMoon · 03/08/2018 21:34

Attention seeking at your wedding is fine, but not by appropriating a dead relative at the expense of other people feelings. The couple in the OP should at least have had the decency to clue the OP in before she was confronted by the pictures. Very poor taste.

Haworthia · 03/08/2018 21:35

So it was a part of a big gesture towards three relatives who the couple would have liked to be there? I think it’s a nice, thoughtful gesture, although you’re perfectly entitled to have found it upsetting.

Neither of you were unreasonable, really.

rinabean · 03/08/2018 21:36

It's not unreasonable for you to be upset but it is unreasonable for you to act like people need permission to display photographs of their own relatives at family events. They really really don't.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 03/08/2018 21:36

Isi was totally shocked when my cousin got married and around a third of his speech was about my dad, who'd been dead less than a year. I wept buckets, but I loved it and also loved the reminder that other people also loved my dad

steff13 · 03/08/2018 21:37

Do people really expect to be warned that they might see photograph of a deceased relative? Really?

My brother is coming to visit tonight, I better call him and warn him I have pictures of our parents on display, so he can brace himself.

Sweetcarrielynne · 03/08/2018 21:37

I think it's quite common for couples to have photos of relatives who have passed on, as a way to remember then. I've frequently seen it for grandparents.

I do understand why it was upsetting to you but I don't think it's really something for you to give permission for - if your dad was also a relative of one of the couple they are entitled to remember him in a way that is meaningful for them.

I'm sorry you were upset though, and sorry for your loss

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2018 21:37

I understand why you were upset. People just don’t think of the impact on others. Equally upsetting is when my cousin got married and named the siblings dead or alive bar my deceased father. Didn’t give me a warm and fuzzy feeling! I know he was very little when my father died but the lack of understanding of a 30 yo on how I must have felt to lose my father as a child really upset me.

TamzinGrey · 03/08/2018 21:37

Having lost two close family members recently, I would have been shocked and very upset indeed if photos of them had suddenly popped up like this without anyone having warned me beforehand. It was a nice gesture, but badly done.

Galanta · 03/08/2018 21:38

FWIW I’m Irish and have never seen framed pictures of dead relatives at any of the dozens of weddings I have been to in Ireland!

spottybetty · 03/08/2018 21:40

Lord, I thought you meant a photo of the relative actually dead... that would have been bad.

I think it’s nice your dad was remembered, but the shrine table sounds a little ... tacky.

I’m sorry you had a nasty shock, op. Have you and your mum spoken to the b and g about it?

FrozenMargarita17 · 03/08/2018 21:40

How hard is it to say to their immediate family members 'hey, i was thinking of having a table with photos of family members who aren't with us any more'.

Not even to ask permission, just give them a heads up !

Echobelly · 03/08/2018 21:40

Yeah, they obviously meant well but I also understand you being upset. At the same time, I wouldn't say anything to the family, though i don't know if you're thinking of doing that.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 03/08/2018 21:41

I don't think you are being U OP I've attended weddings were dead loved ones have bee paid tribute to, but attending a happy event and finding a full on shrine that you were unprepared for involving your own DF is quite another matter

LML83 · 03/08/2018 21:41

I wouldn't do this or particularly appreciate it.

But I think the intention was nice I wouldn't be upset about it.

LouBlue1507 · 03/08/2018 21:43

You don't OWN the memory of your Father. No one needs to get YOUR permission to remember him how they see fit. It's their wedding and they chose to honour their dead relatives.

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/08/2018 21:43

I see your point OP. Yes, of course it’s lovely that he was remembered but my Dad died two months ago and to see a photo of him so unexpectedly would have choked me up. Just a ‘would you mind’ from the happy couple would have made a world of difference imo.

Strawberry89 · 03/08/2018 21:43

I think it's a great idea! Something I'd like to do at my own wedding.
However I'd always check with surviving spouses/kids first purely because I wouldn't want to make anyone unnecessarily uncomfortable or emotional.

CSIblonde · 03/08/2018 21:43

. Each to their own, its not my taste & my departed Dad would be most unimpressed. A mention in the toast is normal/fine. I think they should have let you know so you could do a detour/ avoid the table if it upset you.

OrchidInTheSun · 03/08/2018 21:45

It's courteous I think to let the wife and children of the dead person to know that you're going to have a wee shrine to them at your party.

It smacks horribly of appropriation to me.

bruffin · 03/08/2018 21:50

It smacks horribly of appropriation to me
Nonsense, why is the relationship of grandparents and grandchildren so dismissed on MN

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 03/08/2018 21:51

I don't think YABU. I wouldn't like it at all. My dad died 18 months ago, and my cousin has named her son after him - I hate it. I'd never say anything to her, but it feels like she's "stolen" that name from my siblings and I.

ShutUpBaz · 03/08/2018 21:54

We did this at our wedding two years ago and so did my brother last month. We've lost all our grandparents in quick succession, and it was our way of making sure our guests knew they were very much part of our lives.
The stories and memories that came out were lovely, and yes some tears were shed.
Its not inappropriate, the people who have passed away should not be forgotten and your family member honoured them.
YABU I'm afraid.

Original poster

AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:55

If we had known, fine. He would most certainly have walked his granddaughter down the aisle, if asked. It was just the shock of the unexpected.
And, as I said earlier, my mother had no idea and was really upset. She is 88.

OP posts:

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