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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding with unexpected photo of dead relative

138 replies

AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:04

Would you think it reasonable to be confronted by a photo of your parent, who had died last year, at a relative's wedding? Without being asked if that was ok?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 03/08/2018 21:20

I can only describe it as a small shrine table with 3 other photos, candles and flowers.

That is both very weird and utterly inappropriate at a wedding.

ParkheadParadise · 03/08/2018 21:22

If I wasn't told about it ,I would probably be shocked.

At Dd2 christening we had a photo of Dd1. It was taken the week before she died. She had bought a baby grow for the baby and she was holding over my bump. We had it beside the cake, for me it was still very raw only 4mths since we lost her and I wanted her to be part of the day.

Original poster
AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:23

To put things in context, I know that nobody would have taken exception to a toast to dear, departed and much loved relations. It was just the confrontation with the photo that was such a shock, as was having to walk past it every tine you left the room.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 03/08/2018 21:24

It would have been courteous of them to ask/advise you but i think it's lovely that they have included your parent.

Littlebird88 · 03/08/2018 21:25

I can understand your shock and I think they should have asked but it was all good intended.
it's happened now . try and move on

cunningartificer · 03/08/2018 21:25

Your parents are not your exclusive property. Other people love and miss your dad. I’d think that was sweet and thoughtful, to show how important he was to them, and presumably how they would have liked to have him, (and I assume the other deceased relatives pictured) at a wedding. In a family my size, if I was physically stunned and shocked to see a photo of my dad, I’d have spent a lot of time sitting down after he died. My nephew had pictures of all parents, grandparents and great grandparents on their wedding days displayed at their reception, and it was lovely, even though (especially though) my mum had recently died.

TeeniefaeTroon · 03/08/2018 21:26

I saw a lot of photos like this on Pinterest when we were getting married and thought it was nice.

RedBallpointPens · 03/08/2018 21:26

So your niece/nephew/cousin wanted to include your father along with two other (presumably close) relations who had died before the wedding? If so I think it's a beautiful gesture and it's lovely that the bride and groom felt close to your dad.

I can see why it would be a shock, and I'd personally have mentioned it to your mum before the wedding if I were the bride/groom but focus on the intention - they loved him enough to want to remember him on their wedding day.

Secretsquirrel101 · 03/08/2018 21:27

While I can understand it shocked you, it's actually a lovely thing imo that the relative wanted your dad to be remembered. They loved him too.

Viviennemary · 03/08/2018 21:28

I have heard of this being done. TBH personally I think it's a bad idea.

Dinodan · 03/08/2018 21:28

So it was their grandad? I think it's rather lovely that they wanted to have a picture there and I understand how and why it has upset you but I'm sure that was their intention.

steff13 · 03/08/2018 21:28

I think it's strange to be upset.

itwaseverthus · 03/08/2018 21:29

I think it's maybe their way of including departed loved one's in their happy day. I don't think there is anything wrong with it but I can understand your feelings of surprise and your grief. I am so sorry for your loss. I think though, take comfort that your dad touched many lives, it's a nice tribute.

BachAtTheMoon · 03/08/2018 21:29

I've experienced somthing similar, OP, only with Grand-parents pictures. I found it strange as the bride in question hadn't really bothered when they were alive! It was tacky and a bit attention-seeky.

Howhot · 03/08/2018 21:30

I don't think they did anything wrong but I can understand why you would be upset.

bruffin · 03/08/2018 21:30

Bridgetreilly*

No it isnt inappropriate, it is exactly what my niece did, it was a really lovely gesture.
Totally agree cunningartiface
My mum wasnt just mine, she had 3 daughters and 4 grandchildren who all adored her.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 03/08/2018 21:30

This is hard. I can understand your feelings, but after my Grandad died his memory was sort of co-opted by my Grandmother as her own personal property. She didn’t want any mention or allusion to him at events afterwards and whilst I agree other relatives should be tactful etc, he was our grandfather as much as my mum and aunts dad/her husband and we were very close. The dead person doesn’t belong to just one relation.

Badcat666 · 03/08/2018 21:30

My brother had a table like this at his wedding about 5 years ago, pics of both our and the brides close relatives who had died along with their favourite tipple with a lovely note to say to have a drink to toast them all.

I didn't know about it and I thought it was truly a lovely way of wishing they were there with them but knowing they weren't but wanting people to remember them during their happy day.

It was just about the nicest thing I had ever seen at a wedding (and I've been to a fair few!) as the day wasn't just about them but people they loved.

FuckPants · 03/08/2018 21:31

Yeah, that's fucking weird, especially if you and other relatives weren't warned.

Original poster
AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:31

Wow, so I am being massively unreasonable.
I should add, for those who noticed, that my darling daddy would have found it really cringeworthy and would not have approved at all.

OP posts:
steff13 · 03/08/2018 21:31

It was tacky and a bit attention-seeky.

If you can't be attention-seeking on your wedding day, when can you?

OrchidInTheSun · 03/08/2018 21:31

I think you're absolutely right. It's weird and mawkish and definitely shouldn't be done without the closest family members knowing in advance.

It's a new thing I think. Horrid

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 21:32

its a nice thing to do.

maybe just expect to see him remembered at family occasions.

I was a bit taken aback to unexpectedly be facing a video of a dead relative a few weeks ago, but I coped! It would have been nice to have had a moment's warning, but actually you just have to take it as it was meant, a loving gesture

happypoobum · 03/08/2018 21:33

Permission? Of their own photo? Of a member of their family?

YABVVU

Armchairanarchist · 03/08/2018 21:33

I'd be touched. My brother died aged 19. Over the years I've seen parties in his honour, friends drinking alcohol at his grave and many unexpected photos on Facebook. We may be the closest family but don't have the right to be the only ones to miss them, celebrate their lives or grieve. I'm glad he is remembered, even if it's not in a way I'd choose.