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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding with unexpected photo of dead relative

138 replies

AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:04

Would you think it reasonable to be confronted by a photo of your parent, who had died last year, at a relative's wedding? Without being asked if that was ok?

OP posts:
HolidayHelpPlease · 03/08/2018 21:56

Was it a shrine in the style of ‘because we have a loved one in heaven, there’s a piece of heaven in our wedding’ type thing? Because I think those are beautiful. I have lots of family who are no longer with us who I would love to honour at my wedding.

IceCreamFace · 03/08/2018 21:58

I'm sorry you and your mother were upset. I can see why they wouldn't think to ask you about it though, I think it's a fairly sweet thing to do and they probably had no idea you'd be so upset.

qwerty2018 · 03/08/2018 21:58

I think it’s shitty tbh. Nice to toast people but it’s a wedding not a funeral. Wholly inappropriate

sonjadog · 03/08/2018 21:59

I have been in a similar situation when my cousin suddenly had photos of my deceased father at a large event. They did take me aback tbh, and I wish I had had some advanced warning, so I understand how you feel about that. However, I also like that he isn´t forgotten and that others in the family think of him, so I am okay with it, or okay enough that I can get over it. A little advanced warning would have been nice though!

Original poster
AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 22:00

Not sure because I have never encountered such a thing. I took some photos.
I just found it a shock and it made me cry, several time on what should have been a happy day
I don't think the bride and groom thought it through properly.

OP posts:
LizB62A · 03/08/2018 22:01

It's not something I've come across and honestly it would really upset me to go to a relative's wedding and to unexpectedly see a picture of my poor mum who died last year.
They should have checked with you and your poor mum first.

Fucksakewhatatwat · 03/08/2018 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sweetcarrielynne · 03/08/2018 22:02

To some PPs, I think 'appropriation' is a horrible word to use when talking about a grandchild and grandparent. Grandchildren grieve too...

OP I think on things like this where there is no consensus you just have to put it behind you and move on. It is a real shame that you were upset and I am so sorry for you and your mum. But I don't think that it was a strictly unreasonable thing to do - many people have said they would be fine with this. That doesn't mean you have to be ok with it, but I'd also doesn't mean it's an obvious faux pas or act of thoughtlessness. People just have different ideas of what is and isn't appropriate and no one is right or wrong.

I hope you're ok - try and put it behind you as just one of those things.

Quartz2208 · 03/08/2018 22:03

So it was your niece/nephew who did it - I cant see how that is crossing a line as he would have walked her down the aisle - did she not tell her parent

Showergel1 · 03/08/2018 22:04

Not inappropriate, it's a well known custom in some cultures ie Irish. I had what some would describe as a small shrine (photo and a candle) of my Nana whose death I'm not really over. I love her very much and it was my wedding day to organise as I wished.
That said, you weren't expecting it and therfore it was a shock. YABU to think they've done anything wrong but YANBU to be upset anyway.

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 03/08/2018 22:06

Sorry you and your Mum were upset but I think it was lovely for them to remember him like that, it shows he was missed and thought of.

ReservoirDogs · 03/08/2018 22:06

He was her grandfather! In that case I think yabu.

I was wondering why a niece would do it.

You also say he would probably have given her away. No wonder she felt she wanted to mark her loss.

SilverPartyShoes · 03/08/2018 22:09

You were not unreasonable at all. They should have asked your mother. My mother would have been incredibly upset, and it would have ruined the occasion, and we would all be furious.
Its your father, and your mothers husband. They were totally unreasonable, anyone else who has answered to the contrary hasn’t had a parent die, I would imagine.
Flowers

Allaboutalex · 03/08/2018 22:10

I did it at mine, we had our 4 sets of grandparents wedding photos, 3 sets of whom have died. It didn’t occur to me to ask all my aunts and uncles would they be ok.

There were candles on the table but more because the venue put candles on every available surface for the wedding

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 22:10

I understand why you were upset. People just don’t think of the impact on others. Equally upsetting is when my cousin got married and named the siblings dead or alive bar my deceased father. Didn’t give me a warm and fuzzy feeling! I know he was very little when my father died but the lack of understanding of a 30 yo on how I must have felt to lose my father as a child really upset me.

that really is ridiculous, getting upset because someone didn't name ENOUGH of their dead relatives in their wedding ceremony.

missed out someone he didn't even remember,? you can't name every dead relative you have, you know, you would be there for ever! You can hardly go around your entire family in your head and name every relative that every single one of them has ever lost, out of fear of upsetting someone who has a relative that didn't make it onto the list!

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 22:13

I just found it a shock and it made me cry, several time on what should have been a happy day
I don't think the bride and groom thought it through properly.

I think you are maybe placing the blame for your upset in the wrong place. you are upset because your Dad died. Not because his grandchild is remembering him

lauryloo · 03/08/2018 22:14

You are upset that the bride honoured her grandfather on her wedding day? Sorry op, but YABU

Notquiteagandt · 03/08/2018 22:15

Shes his grandaughter yabu.

You say your DM is still alive. Was this your nieces 1st experience of death with close family?

She maybe struggling with her own grief and thought this was a nice rememberance.

Rtmhwales · 03/08/2018 22:15

I think YABVU personally. It’s their grandfather. They don’t need to run it by you. Presumably they ran it past their own parent (your father’s child) who okayed it.

Think of it this way. If someone posted on here “AIBU to have a photo of my beloved grandfather who didn’t get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?” not a single person would say yes. It’s meant to be touching.

sue51 · 03/08/2018 22:16

I would love to see their memory honoured. It would feel as if they were giving their blessing to the occasion.

CoperCabana · 03/08/2018 22:18

OP. I am sorry for your loss.

I tend to agree with you that a warning would have been good manners. I am sorry to hear you and your mum were so upset.

I would have been floored too.

Take care of you.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 03/08/2018 22:19

Neither of you are unreasonable I don’t think.

It came from a place of love and the thought behind it is very sweet but I think I’d have liked forewarning to be honest. I don’t think you have the right to claim any permission needed however.

My grandad died 18 years ago now but if someone randomly brings him up I can get a bit unexpectedly leaky eyed.

MarthaArthur · 03/08/2018 22:19

Its ok you feel sad about it op its still a recent hurt. But its not ok to think your fathers grandchildren need permission to use his photo and remember him in a way they seem fit. Memories are for the living not the dead. In my family we actually hand photos of deceased relatives from the brides wedding dress.

Amanduh · 03/08/2018 22:19

A LOT of people do this for ‘people who can’t be with us’ or ‘people we’re thinking of.’ I think it’s lovely. They certainly didn’t need permission 🙄 but they should have mentioned it to you.

SalsaLala · 03/08/2018 22:21

I’m on a wedding planning group on FB and this is quite a common thing at the moment. I think YABU in saying it’s inappropriate, but can see why it caught you unaware.
I’m sure your niece meant very well by it though!