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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding with unexpected photo of dead relative

138 replies

AgonisedAunt · 03/08/2018 21:04

Would you think it reasonable to be confronted by a photo of your parent, who had died last year, at a relative's wedding? Without being asked if that was ok?

OP posts:
LyndorCake · 03/08/2018 22:21

That is both very weird and utterly inappropriate at a wedding
That is not true. Many, many, many weddings have an "memoria" table which is usually depicts pictures of those who have died. I'm a wedding manager.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/08/2018 22:23

I think it’s a really lovely way to include loved ones that have gone. YABU

MarthaArthur · 03/08/2018 22:25

silver thats the way you feel but it doesnt mean you can dictate who is closer and who is greiving more. My grandpa helped raise me. When he died my aunt went crazy and took all photos of him down and hid everything he owned. She would literally start howling in anguish if anyone even mentioned him in conversation and this went on for a few years after his death to the point we thought she needed medication. She fully believed he had now become her property because she was his daughter and we couldnt possibly understand how hurt she was. It was hurtful because she took all our photos and basically refused to let us even remember him.

MarthaArthur · 03/08/2018 22:29

Oops that should have said we hang photos from the brides wedding dress in small frames like charms.

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2018 22:30

I think that the reality is you are grieving and will be for a long time. But you don’t own right to grieving for your dad - he had over family who will remember him differently and you need to find a way to deal with that.

He obviously wasn’t just your dad and I’m guessing your brother or sister liked the idea - why does your desire trump theirs when you’ve both lost a parent?

I know it’s hard - I’ve experienced losing a parent and after 20 years it’s still very raw at times. But she had sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews who all miss her and cope with/express that grief differently.

CloudPop · 03/08/2018 22:38

@ParkheadParadise I'm so sorry to read your post. Deepest sympathy

FlibbertyGiblets · 03/08/2018 22:38

I'm so sorry, you've had a shock. I do see why the bridal party wanted to include Grandpa, it is a touching thought poorly carried out.

(At least there wasn't an empty fucking chair, now THAT was dreadfully mawkish)

DaisyRose1985 · 03/08/2018 22:39

I haven't RTFT yet, got married earlier this year in June, I had a photograph, candle and flowers displayed of my dad. I have lost two uncles and many more relatives, as has my partner since my father died, but I wouldn't display any of them without their close relatives permission, however I can see it from the relatives that have lost someone's point of view also. They miss those that are not with us in a different way, to what we do, and can see that permission wasn't asked, because in their eyes they miss them too, why would it be any different. Until those that have lost a parent, they do not get it. Hope your okay and your close family too.

MrsAidanTurner · 03/08/2018 22:41

I'm so sorry this upset you and you have every right to feel how you feel.

I would however be so moved and deeply touched if anyone did this for one of my dp. I really would.

OrchidInTheSun · 03/08/2018 22:45

They should have forewarned his wife and kids. It's bizarre they didn't.

This never used to be a 'thing'

I can't imagine anything worst than being confronted by a photo of your dead husband when you presumably hoped he would have been there to see his granddaughter get married. It must have been horribly distressing for your mum.

User467 · 03/08/2018 22:48

I wouldn't expect to have to ask my aunt permission to use a photo of my grandparent. They are my grandparents just as much as they are her parents. Presumably sister/brother knew? I'm sorry it was a shock but I don't think it's your permission to give

cadburyegg · 03/08/2018 22:50

YABU she doesn’t need permission.

runsmidgeOMG · 03/08/2018 22:52

If he was as close to her to be walking her down the aisle then I can almost see why she never thought twice about asking you. I'm closer to my grandad, he walked me down the aisle and if he hadn't of been there you can bet there would have been a great whopping shrine just short of a statue in his honour.
HOWEVER my mum is an only child so I don't have any aunts or uncles to consider.

I carried a small locket with an picture of my DH gran in my bouquet (he was closer to her too!) and it brought a tear to the eye of her sons, they said they thought it was a lovely idea. Because it was a small token I didn't run it by then before the day. She was my husbands gran, the one stable figure in his life and he had a right to remember her how he wanted.

chicola · 03/08/2018 22:57

I'd really like that.

donkeysandzebras · 03/08/2018 22:59

We did this. It never occurred to me it might be inappropriate. I was wearing an items of my grandmother's at the the wedding (which she had always wanted) and wanted people to see a picture of her with it and a more recent picture of her. And as we were doing that, it would have felt wrong not to include pictures of other deceased grandparents. No candles or anything as it didn't occur to me and, if it had, would have been ruled out due to toddlers being present and candles and toddlers don't mix.

twattymctwatterson · 03/08/2018 23:01

I'm sorry you're upset op but you don't own the rights to grieve for your dad. My mum died 3 months ago in shocking circumstances. She was 59. My brother and cousins post photos of her on social media regularly. Sometimes seeing an unexpected photo of my mum makes me feel upset but I completely understand that she was important to other people and they get to grieve for her how they want to. I don't think there's anything tacky at all about what you've described. It sounds like a lovely gesture

mineofuselessinformation · 03/08/2018 23:01

They wanted to honour him, OP.
I totally get that you were upset, and yes, it would have been better if you were forewarned, but I think they did it with only the best of intentions - to include your DF in the day.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/08/2018 23:04

Well I think if they're close enough to want the photo, they're close enough to warn his widow at least.

You say grandchild so presumably the child of your sibling? Did they speak to their parent, their parent say it was fine and they assumed everyone would feel similarly?

We had photos of all our grandparents as none were alive when we got married but we checked with our parents and assumed they would speak to their siblings if it was an issue. It took my Dad a while to agree

PositivelyPERF · 03/08/2018 23:12

I must be odd, or maybe it’s because, like OP’s mum, I’m a widow and I would find the shock of seeing my husband very upsetting. I’m sorry for your poor mum, OP, and I think the B&G should have told your mum, this is what they were going to do. The poor woman is 88yrs old and I don’t think she needed this upset. 💐

Haworthia · 03/08/2018 23:14

Oh dear OP, now you’ve revealed the relative was his granddaughter, you do sound rather strange when saying they were “one generation removed” like they’re somehow too distant to a) feel the loss and b) make this kind of gesture.

YorkiepudNgravy · 03/08/2018 23:16

My GP’s have recently passed, I lived with them from birth - primary school and for a few years as a teen. My GM was my best friend, if I want a photo of her if i ever get married I wouldn’t ask anyone - they’re my memories/ my photos and she holds a massive part of my heart.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2018 23:17

Clairetree
You must be really thick not to understand that it would be upsetting to hear the groom speaking extensively about his father and name all his father’s siblings bar one. To cite anecdotes about their lives together growing up, things, which I know my father and his father did together and yet airbrushed my father out.

He commemorated a dead uncle and spoke of an aunt he’d also only ever met as a child as she left the country shortly after my father died but yet still left out my father.

Don’t talk crap about not speaking about my father, when he was part of the sibling group as though I was expecting him to speak about the world and his dog. All I would have expected is to have said his name and not leave him out as though he’d never existed. It made me feel insignificant, an outsider and as though I shouldn’t have been there.

Ohyesiam · 03/08/2018 23:17

Oh op that makes st have been a shock. A year is such a short time Flowers. If it were me I would have wanted a warning.

Stepmum3 · 03/08/2018 23:18

I encountered this type of thing last year at my partners relatives wedding. It’s notmy thing but my family are reserved. However, my partner liked it as it had his dad on this shrine. To me it would be cringey but I am not sentimental.

X

CaptainCabinets · 03/08/2018 23:21

I’m sorry for your loss but I’m afraid I think YABU.

We’re talking about his granddaughter, not some distant cousin. I would be so touched to see that and fondly remember him. You don’t own the memory of your Dad and nobody has to ask your permission to remember him in their own way, sorry. It’s a very sweet gesture, I think.