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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge 18 year old dd rent?

327 replies

troodiedoo · 03/08/2018 11:05

Dd has just finished college. Not going to uni this year but maybe next year if she can decide on a course.

She's just got a job in a shop.minimum wage. Wibu to ask her for rent? And if so how much?

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 03/08/2018 21:58

I don't know how much you're 'losing' OP, but it's hardly her fault she's grown now and you lose the money.

moredoll · 03/08/2018 22:11

Can you sit down with her, go through your outgoings, go though her outgoings and decide on a fair amount for her to contribute? If you can, put a bit away from time to time as a surprise for her for the extras she'll need at the start of term next year.

LeighaJ · 03/08/2018 22:20

Was this your idea or your husband's? If she doesn't get on with her step-dad then she'll likely think it's his idea regardless and that could build resentment.

I'd only charge her what extra it costs in bills, food, etc to have her there.

You could have just said you could use the financial contribution to the household, bringing up your choice to be a SAHM as a reason is why you keep getting blasted for it obvs. Also it's not her fault that by growing up you lose the maintenance and tax credits. You've not painted yourself in a very good light with those tidbits of information.

If she said to you tomorrow "Renting a flat with some mates and will be moving out pronto Mum." You'd be out the money the same.

BackforGood · 03/08/2018 22:23

Wow I’m shocked at some of the responses. It’s shameful that some posters would take half of their child’s maintenance grant

Why ? Confused. It is exactly that - for their maintenance. ie, for their living costs. I mean, it is a loan not a grant, but that is exactly what it is for.
Why should a family tighten their belts to share all the household costs when the student has applied for and been granted a loan to contribute to those costs. That makes no sense at all.

IMO, the decision about what the OP should ask her dd to contribute, would depend on what she is like with money. I have 2 adult dc - one manages money really well, and save, the other is shocking and spends on extravagant things then goes overdrawn. The point of this gap year, working FT, before University is to save up. Some (young adult) dc need help with that, others manage. With my spendthrift dc, I would have taken a much higher amount, and saved it, with my more financially mature dc, I'd have supported them to find an interest bearing account, and let them get on with it, after taking a small (£30 or so) contribution towards food, electricity, toiletries, etc.
There was a thread on here recently where a poster was asking how her dd was going to manage at university, as she'd taken a year out (the dd) to earn, but had just spent it all and had zero savings. The OP wasn't able to afford to help her and was asking if there was support she could apply for. With hindsight of course, she would have been better supporting her to save her earnings in the first place, rather than letting her save nothing and get used to having £££ of disposable income each week.

BettyBooHoo · 03/08/2018 22:33

OP she might not be legally a child anymore, but she is still your child, and always will be.

zsazsajuju · 03/08/2018 22:59

Your dd can’t be expected to subsidize her younger siblings. If she moved out, how much would your bills go down? That’s what she should be paying not making up the maintenance you’re not getting any more for her. She’s hardly an adult at 18. She’s your child.

Original poster
troodiedoo · 03/08/2018 22:59

@LeighaJ love the assumptions keep them coming!
It's my idea. My husband actually thinks it's a bit mean to charge her rent, and he will just take on extra work to cover the shortfall. They get on just fine.
I only mentioned that I'm a full time mother sahm to show that money is tight.
If she said she was moving out I would wish her well, and look forward to my heating bill halving. I am NOT looking to make a profit here, for the billionth time!

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 03/08/2018 23:04

Parents are supposed to maintain their children at university- they have a legal obligation to do so. The maintenance grant is supposed to be extra for those parents who can’t afford to sub their child’s extras. It’s not supposed to be for the parents. Some people on mumsnet are just ghastly. Who takes their child’s mw earnings to replace “their” lost benefits?

zsazsajuju · 03/08/2018 23:07

Your heating bill won’t halve with one less person in the household nor will you have extra rent. Would you move if she moved out? The fact you are a sahp to her younger siblings seems to be why you are financially struggling. That’s not for her to pay for.

Original poster
troodiedoo · 03/08/2018 23:10

@zsazsajuju you also seem to have missed my post saying I have savings put by to help her through uni, if she goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
troodiedoo · 03/08/2018 23:12

And why would I move if she moved out? Obviously I'm going to rent her room out.

(LIGHTHEARTED)

OP posts:
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/08/2018 23:14

The maintenance loan in my DS2's case is for a student living at home. My DS1 also gets a maintenance loan for living away from home. The max loan in both cases. DS1 survives perfectly well on his loan, around £8700, paying for rent and food out of it. DS2 will get around £6000 to live at home. His 'rent' will be much less than DS1's and I will be providing his food. Does he really need £6000 to piss up against the wall? Sorry, but I'll be asking for a contribution from his student maintenance loan to maintain him. That is what it's for.

OliviaStabler · 03/08/2018 23:16

Definitely charge rent. My parents did and it was a good lesson to learn to pay your way once you are earning.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 03/08/2018 23:17

I don't get the righteous indignation about expecting an adult working full time to pay rent.

BackforGood · 03/08/2018 23:19

zsazsajuju Do you have an 18 yr old ? Believe me, they aren't cheap to run. When my ds moved out to go away to University, our bills went down considerably. The amount of shower they have and the length of their showers alone pumps up the bills, before you get on to the fact they need to be on 3 gadgets at once, and like having the heating on and the window open, and that they leave all things on when they go out. Then there's the food - my food bills used to go up / down by about £15 a week when ds was home / went back to University.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/08/2018 23:20

zsazsajuju both my student DSs get the max loan. This is because I cannot afford to support them. The government realises that, why don't you?

Carey12 · 03/08/2018 23:21

Seems like a minority view but I find the idea of taking money from family totally bizarre. I moved out at 18 but I cannot imagine my parents charging me or any of my siblings rent. I lived with my sister for a couple of months once when I was between flats and I practically had to force her to let me contribute to groceries. I’ve had a old friend turn up on my doorstep in tears because he’d split up with his partner, and stayed in our spare room for a month. Of course I didn’t charge him.

Yes kids need to learn lessons. One of the lessons I learned growing up is that family help each other out, and some things are far more important than money.

Big caveat: I say this from a position of privilege - my parents and all my siblings have pretty well paid jobs (and also don’t tend to take the piss). But I think we’d have to be very, very tight for cash before we started charging each other for stuff.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/08/2018 23:21

BackforGood thank you. Flowers

Original poster
troodiedoo · 03/08/2018 23:22

@EllenJanesthickerknickers totally fair to use his maintenance loan for it's intended purpose. You crack on.

OP posts:
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/08/2018 23:22

Carey, I am very tight for cash.

BettyBooHoo · 03/08/2018 23:26

Couldn't agree with you more Carey.

It's clear that some people are either just naturally generous, or they're not. I don't think becoming a parent changes that.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/08/2018 23:26

Troodie some people on this thread obviously don't have to struggle to pay the bills. Your DD will do well at uni, she'll know the value of money and budgeting.

If I had lots of spare cash I could subsidise them more but their 2 maintenance loans are more than I earn myself.

Carey12 · 03/08/2018 23:28

@ellen, fair enough

BettyBooHoo · 03/08/2018 23:29

OP doesn't the fact your own DH thinks you're mean to want to charge rent tell you something Hmm

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/08/2018 23:34

Thank you. Blimey, I'd be better off if they all just got jobs at 18 and contributed straight away, but I'm supporting them both (and DS3 eventually) to go to uni. I don't ask for any help from DS1 during the holidays when he gets a summer job. DS2's maintenance loan is to pay for his board and lodging during term time. That's obviously cheaper than for DS1 as he is living with me but he can't just take the £6000 and expect it to be just for beer and ents surely? I still buy all their clothes etc.