To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

Quartz2208: he doesn't want to do pickup or dropoff. To be fair, I prefer not to do either as well because it is such a pain the arse (though I do like to check in at the nursery and talk to her key person etc). But the agreement has been he does dropoff and I do pickup.

So the au pair is saving your husband doing drop offs, in that case by his logic he should pay for her. Him, not you. Is that really all you have her for? You do the cooking and you have a cleaner so what does the au pair do? And, more to the point, what does your husband do? Other than treat you badly.

Sorry, you appear to have married an arsehole.

And I am sorry to say that I don't see any hope for him. He's a misogynist, IMO

Keep the au pair , get rid of the husband and the nursery , problem solved

If it were me in this circumstance I would just move her regardless, pay the £400 myself, and get shot of him at the earliest opportunity.

If he's presented with a fait accompli which means he doesn't have to go so far to drop her off, he may kick up less of a stink than you expect.

@sugarisamazing because not everyone wants to be a SAHP. Some people love their jobs and want to continue to have a successful career as well as a family. 🙄

I'd be divorcing the twat.

Shambu, this in some ways sounds like a brilliant idea actually! He usually is happy when he eventually agrees to adopt a solution I have pressed for.

Bluelady: we have the au pair to help with drop off and pick up. She gets DD earlier than I could and takes her to the park etc. I come home soon after baby and au pair arrive and then we just handle the evening tasks together (at least that is how it worked with the last au pair). Sometimes she would cook while I did bathtime, sometimes vice versa. The au pair had more to do during a period when I was under serious pressure at work and had to stay late for a few weeks.

We also have her help for a couple of hours on Saturdays so we can do chores, and one babysitting night per week.

SugarIsAmazing, I actually would rather not work and have a baby, but DH feels very strongly I should work if only to keep up my professional credentials/keep doors open. I can see the sense in that and I do like many aspects of my job quite a lot.

how much does the aupair get if she was still doing fridays

Why are you allowing him though to decide whether he wants to do it. Parenting is full of times and situations where is not about what you WANT to do but what you NEED and HAVE to do in order to facilitate your children.

He needs to stop looking at things as if he has a choice as if he can decide that he simply does not want to do it because it doesnt suit him. That is the prerogative of a single man; not one who is married with a child.

Stop facilititating him at the expense of you and your child. He needs are not the centre of your world, he does not come first.

And TBH, I fear the dynamic if I had to rely on him fully for financial support. I do not think he can be trusted to treat me fairly under those circumstances.

This sounds like it's not about money - but it might be about control. Could the money be just a tool for a justification as to why he can control? I bet he'd be the same with any partner who earned less than him. And if she earned more, she'd be less fit than him, and so not be pulling her weight in the heath-stakes. And if she earned more and was fitter, she'd have personality flaws that would need addressing. I'm the major wage earner and I do all the cooking and, like you, I like to make home-made stuff. He doesn't know what he's got in you, OP - any partner who does the school/nursery run, cooks home-made, and brings home your wage deserves better. (Standby for accusations of being wageist by MN users for implying that people who earn a lower wage are not valid somehow). I hope you sort it out. Maybe he needs a bit of a shock.

You're very lucky to be in a position where, financially, you could leave and be independent.
It might be worth looking into your options, just so you are aware of them.

I have no worth at all as I've spent the last 16 yrs bringing up my children and have poor health, which means I'm unable to hold down a job and provide for them.
My skills are outdated and/or non-existent.
There is no choice for me.

Didn't you post the other day about a row about a picnic? He said pick up food from Sainsbury's and you said you wanted to home bake the food? Something along those lines and then there was some disagreement about olives?

If it is the same poster, have you increased your marriage counselling sessions yet? Sounds like money also needs to be added to the list of things to discuss.

Well there's is your answer. He's not to be trusted. He hasn't got the best interests of you or his child at heart.

He doesn't do any of the thinking about of, apparently, very much caring for his child. What is he for in your family?

This is upsetting to read.

Bloody hell, that au pair has the easiest job in the world. I hope you're not paying her much.

Bluelady, our last au pair had to look after DD a lot as she was constantly ill in her first year of nursery! I also expected her to tidy up DD's toys and occasionally to fold laundry. It turns out to be quite a lot of hours each week (30), but hopefully it's not too difficult. The last au pair would sometimes choose to cook dinner for the family on her night off, so I think it is pretty nice for them :)

Happygoldfinch

You are right. Nothing would be good enough for him. It's staggering that a woman who earns as much as the OP, who works 5 days a week and is the main carer is not deemed 'good enough' for him .

I was a SAHM for several years, now earn a quarter of what DH does but he has only ever put the needs of his children and me first.

Too right it's pretty nice for them. They certainly saw you coming.

I hope he’s a fantastic partner and a loving companion in every other way.
Otherwise your life does sound pretty grim

Bluelady: my idea with an au pair is that it is technically meant to be a cultural exchange so I don't want it to be exploitative, plus I may as well keep them on side during the good times for when help is really needed, like when DH is working a lot, I am working a lot, or DD is sick. I appreciate the help and don't mind it being an easy time.

SugarIsAmazing, I actually would rather not work and have a baby, but DH feels very strongly I should work if only to keep up my professional credentials/keep doors open. I can see the sense in that and I do like many aspects of my job quite a lot.

From the evidence of this thread I don't believe that he wants you to work to keep your professional credentials but simply he wants the money. He doesn't want you doing what he would see as sitting at home doing nothing, have any easy life, while he's at work.

Did your preference or your DD's wellbeing come in to his calculations at all? Doesn't sound like it. Why's it all about him?

Not that I would suggest being a SAHM with a husband like this. He's bad enough with a slight differential in income, I can only imagine what he would be like if you earnt nothing!

@dellacucina That is such BS. I knew it became significantly harder for low and middle income but I honestly thought there would be easy hoops for those who make a big contribution (not making any statement if it's right or wrong but I honestly thought so).

I'm so sorry for your situation. I still might ask legal advice, if the process could be made easier somehow.

Margo, that's me. It has not been possible to increase the counseling sessions. but it is probably needed.