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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Bluelady · 02/08/2018 13:51

OK, that changes things. So it's fine when it saves money but not for your benefit. He's a really nasty piece of work, isn't he?

SweetSummerchild · 02/08/2018 13:53

I’m going to get flamed for saying this, but you both have an utterly f*cked up relationship with money.

Taking into account your joint salaries, there seems to be a huge amount of penny-pinching going on (on both sides) and your both happy to go after the best deal for yourselves no matter how much it puts others (including your family) out.

It sounds like this situation has evolved over a long period of time, and should come as no surprise.

Get a grip. I agree with the poster who said that a lot of very high earners seem utterly out of touch with finances.

Don’t worry - I’m sure the au pair will sort it all out for you.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 14:00

Sweetsummerchild: I grew up poor and have had to earn everything I have. I am sure I have a fucked up relationship with money. But i by no means am happy to push this onto his mother or take advantage of others. I really want to have a reliable child care option in place to take the burden off his mother. I frankly would also prefer not to put too much of a burden on the au pair. I am not a slave driver.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 02/08/2018 14:02

My DH is a high earner and I earn a minute sum in comparison; there's a tenfold difference .Our money is all shared, our decisions on spend are all shared, our value to the family is equal.

1forAll74 · 02/08/2018 14:04

This is an awful situation that you are in, you know, having plenty of money,but with all the nastiness of a man dictator husband. Everything seems very difficult for you,and I hope you can find a way through this.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 14:33

And to those of you who have asked about his positive qualities, he does have them, though it is hard for me to see right now.

He is charming and was very in love with me when we met. He has excellent taste, we have similar outlooks about many things, he is trustworthy (I think) and responsible, quite handsome, and has lovely friends.

He has a history of disregarding my feelings, but we are good friends when you take this out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 14:48

Rereading the advice here.

Dontcallmecharlotte: I actually believe he is so convinced that he is right that he won't respond favourably to a rational document setting out the points. I think he would come up with some reason to ignore or dispute everything I said.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/08/2018 14:50

so what are you going to do about it

He was so charming and so in love with you as long as you do what he wants but always disregards your feelings

Bluelady · 02/08/2018 14:52

All those positive qualities are pretty superficial. You only "think" you can trust him and otherwise he's an arse. It's not great, is it?

Mousefunky · 02/08/2018 14:55

How would he feel if, heaven forbid, something happened to you or DD and you had to quit your job? Would he leave you for this? He sounds like an absolute arse and I would be considering ditching him before anything else.

Elephant14 · 02/08/2018 15:01

Tatiana

So many mumsnetters marry dickheads. Why??

For MNers read women. It’s a combination of low expectations, and the over abundance of dickheads.

I think this should be pinned at the top of the Relationships board. Sad

stressedoutpa · 02/08/2018 15:04

What an absolute bore! Does he have any redeeming features?

I changed direction recently and now work part-time. I earn an eight of DH's salary. Whenever I have mentioned it, he's told me it doesn't matter. He was rather I was happy and he earns enough to support us without my income.

Perhaps you should start criticising him all the time and see how he likes it?

FloweryTwats45 · 02/08/2018 15:29

Mean with money mean with love. Ime men who are big earners are arrogant, controlling, arseholes.

holasoydora · 02/08/2018 15:36

£60K is more than most families I know combined.

I say, it's your money, you should be able to do what you like if you are expected to be the main childcarer as well as working full time, and can afford it!

hungryhippo90 · 02/08/2018 15:36

Haha, he needs to be put in his place. How dare he?

Your wage is nothing to sniff at!

hungryhippo90 · 02/08/2018 15:39

Also want to add, I earn a lot less than my husband, he earns a smidge over 80k per year, I earn a paltry amount, literally between 5 &15 k a year. This amount is going up though, but we have about an equal say in finances.

Don’t let him treat you this way x

JellyBaby666 · 02/08/2018 15:40

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

Perhaps only do 60% of the housework, 60% of the childcare etc?

Money isn't the only means of contributing to a family, he needs to get a grip! And you need to go away for a weekend, spend some money on a spa weekend, and leave him to cover childcare etc and realise how much work there is outside of the office.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 02/08/2018 15:42

How long before you can stay in the country without needing to rely on him? That’s exactly how much longer I’d stay married to him. Insufferable, selfish, twatty, bore that he is. Else, I’d take DD and move home.

Mummyschnauzer · 02/08/2018 15:45

Simple tell him if he wants to continue using the nursery it’s up to him to do all the taking and fetching abc deal with his elderly mother. If he thinks you spend too much time making food he can happily spend less time making his own. Tell him to get a fucking grip stop behaving like a twat and you won’t bring up the fact he is one again!

Elephant14 · 02/08/2018 15:51

How long before you can stay in the country without needing to rely on him? - is that a thing then Annie? I have no experience but just looking at people seem to be treated with regard to immigration etc. seems pretty crap.

Xenadog · 02/08/2018 15:57

OP, what’s the deal breaker for you? I think you need to be clear in your head what you will and won’t tolerate and then make some decisions. Personally, if my DP (who earns more than double of what I earn) ever spoke to me like this I would have walked. He doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you and this would be my deal-breaker.

OP, figure out what you want and can’t put up with and let your husband know. If he responds positively and shows you respect then all well and good, if not, I’d be looking at speaking to a good divorce lawyer.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 16:00

Bluelady: We will have the au pair regardless by mutual agreement. (My husband REALLY doesn't want to have to do the drop off every morning). So the difference between 4 days at our current nursery and 5 days with the new nursery would be net £400 because we would give the au pair slightly less pocket money if she isn't doing Fridays.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 16:02

Ellybo, there are no employment-related visa options for me. I would need to change jobs and find a sponsor (because my current employer isn't going to do it), and this would reset my immigration time clock. They have recently made it much harder to immigrate.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 02/08/2018 16:05

Why doesnt he want to do drop off - it should be equally spread between the two of you

SugarIsAmazing · 02/08/2018 16:06

I haven't read the full thread but if you have 60k/100k as income why do you use a nursery???? You can afford for one of you to be a SAHP unless you have a ridiculously high standard of living.

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