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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Zadig · 02/08/2018 16:39

OP, the thing that strikes me about all this is that most families would be looking at the situation from the child’s perspective - eg. how will DD take to a change in nursery? Will she be unsettled by a new au pair on top of this?

Your DH seems to have his eye on the money and no more - and I say this as the wife of a workaholic. My DH is incredibly money-conscious, but not at the expense of a settled and consistent home life for his family, plus he recognises that this is exactly what frees him up to make the money he does.

You say you would like to be a SAHM, but he has talked you out of it by the sounds of it. What if you have more children, what then?

Please tell me you have shared accounts - or is he one of these “my money, your money” types?

NotAgainYoda · 02/08/2018 16:39

OP

Have a look at the book: 'Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and see if any bells begin to ring

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 16:40

ellybo: yeah, it's pretty grim. I think it's probably not viewed upon favourably to 'make a large financial contribution' as technically I am doing a job a UK person could do! There are lots of native born people in my field. (Though I would argue and I am sure my colleagues agree that my credentials are quite good!)

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 02/08/2018 16:40

Fuck me!!??
You were the picnic poster.

I hate to say this. But your husband sounds like he actively despises you. His actions are one of those of someone who cannot stand a person and everything they do makes them angry.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 02/08/2018 16:41

Mean with money, mean with love.

It's incredible...usually there is some wiggle room with these little aphorisms, some shades of grey, not always applicable to every single case. But this one, bang on the money (ha ha ha) every time. No exceptions. Mean with money, mean with love.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 16:43

Zadig: I have thought a lot about DD's QOL. We have been very careful in the selection process for a new au pair and I honestly would want her to have shorter days in the new nursery as well. I don't like to use babysitters and prefer an au pair in general because DD is anxious around people whom she doesn't know.

If we had more children the situation might change - but I think DD may prefer a nanny or something.I actually think nursery is good for socialisation and I like the fact that there are many employees around to keep a check on each other.

OP posts:
Shambu · 02/08/2018 16:43

I agree Zadig it's all about money. Precious little consideration of mother or child.

RomanyRoots · 02/08/2018 16:44

A lot of high earners are like this, they have a cuntish attitude to most things.
I'm glad he's yours coz I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.
Ewww.

Bramble71 · 02/08/2018 16:46

I don't know what to say about your husband, other than he is the unreasonable one. Crikey, to think that £60K (a dream to most people in this country) is paltry, well...he sounds like an awful person.

Relationships are a partnership and you bring money and probably most of the housekeeping, cooking and childcare. You wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him never to bring up your fantastic £60K ever again, and tell him you are applying to place your child in the much more convenient, local nursery.

RomanyRoots · 02/08/2018 16:49

I don't mean to be mean, but your child doesn't seem to see much of her parents, why don't you both cut hours so you can both see more of your child?
You earn an obscene amount between you and you have a child to consider now.
Could you not just make a bit of time on a saturday for her.
it seems such a shame for her to have lots of money but no time from parents. Sad

Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/08/2018 16:49

What do you get out of being with him?
Get yourself a au pair, people on a third of your salary manage as single parents. He isn't respectful or nice, he's a horrible point scorer over things he should be heaping praise on you for (cooking/ Easter lunch etc)
If you really don't want to leave him definitely relate counselling

cantmakeme · 02/08/2018 16:50

Wtf
Nope YANBU

TransplantsArePlants · 02/08/2018 16:52

Your description of your child is as a logistical problem to be solved. I get no sense of his relationship with her.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 16:52

RomanyRoots: This is something I am worried about, and for this reason I have made sure potential au pairs are up for cooking dinner so I can spend time with DD.

Our original plan was actually for me to take Fridays off, but I didn't feel I could trust DH not to be even more of a jerk about my salary then (especially as my work demands may not decrease enough to satisfy DH).

OP posts:
buttfacedmiscreant · 02/08/2018 16:53

Your husband sounds like he doesn't have much (any?) empathy. The fact he was so charming when you met can be a bit of a red flag too.

He sounds like a tool and extremely shallow frankly and I'm not sure counseling will help because it sounds like he believes you are the one with the problem and that is why he is going.

IIWY, I'd be looking at the long game. What do I need to have in place when I get ILR. How can I keep things ok until that time?

Mehaveit · 02/08/2018 16:54

I earn p-t nearly double what DH earns f-t and apart from asking him to pull his weight when it comes to family 'project' stuff (organising bday parties, researching Christmas presents etc) because I work 2 p-t jobs the disparity in salary doesn't factor into any of our decisions including where our DD goes for childcare. You both earn good amounts and it sounds as if your DH doesn't value you as much as himself because of his higher earnings.

buttfacedmiscreant · 02/08/2018 16:54

...and I would be very careful to not have any more children with this man.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 16:54

Transplants: he loves her but wants to choose when to see her.

We are both quite logical so we can see this is a logistical problem overall. I am a very loving mummy though and I really enjoy spending time with DD.

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 02/08/2018 16:54

Op, the only way to manage people like your H is to remove the power. He thinks that earning more gives him more power. You need to remove his power in your relationship.

Definitely flip his argument back onto him. He isnt doing as much as you are domestically. Start making decisions without him. Move your DC to the closer nursery and if you don't have a joint account put a proportional amount of the cost against his account (62.5% of the cost) with you paying the rest. If he complains about dinner taking time start making things ahead of time and reheating them. If he complains he can do the cooking.

If you want another child with this man think very carefully. I won't make things better.

My DH grew up in a very working class home. When he first started making a lot of money he had importantitis. I grew up in a wealthy family and I've seen what this sort of attitude can do and this sort of attitude will destroy a family. DH came in all huffy and puffy. I would send him out of the house and have him walk back in again. I just don't tolerate the ego that he came home with. He soon learned and he is absolutely fine now. The next time he says something about your income don't tell him what you are going to do. Tell him what action you want him to take. I told my husband 'Go back outside, take a walk around the block with the dog, and just think about how you walked through the door and spoke to me.' You could say something along the lines of 'Think of how you are talking to me and the desired outcome.' Say it slowly with a stern look in your eye and very aggressive body language.

Zadig · 02/08/2018 17:01

della - apologies, I didn’t mean to imply that you don’t have your daughters best interests at heart. Of course you do, but you are in a very difficult situation. You are with a man who does not value motherhood and can’t understand why you would.

I would ask him this - When does it ever happen that two people in a marriage earn exactly the same amount. The answer is obviously - hardly ever! So what does he think other families do? Why does he think he’s different to any other husband or father? Does he think it’s normal to belittle your wife as n this manner? It most certainly is not!

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 17:01

In terms of accounts, we have a joint account and separate accounts. I negotiated hard on this and we contribute proportionate amounts of our income to the joint account (meaning we each just have our own overages from our jobs in our personal accounts - so he is quite loaded I guess).

During my mat leave he paid all shared bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 17:03

Zadig: he doesn't overtly say I have less decisionmaking power. It is just obvious in the way he talks to me. For example, he used to always point out that we are able to afford our house thanks to him (and he still does sometimes but has done it less following some huge blowouts). And in this situation, he says it is valid to point out that I make less because this impacts on our overall finances. etc.

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 02/08/2018 17:04

You can't trust him. You keep saying that. Read that book because I honestly think he has limited capacity to change and you need to clearly see what you are dealing with.

Your daughter's wellbeing seems fundamentally important to you. It just does not sound as if it is the same for him. What is lovable about that?

Frogletmamma · 02/08/2018 17:10

When we were young I had a higher salary than DH. Then when I had time off with DD he stepped up, and when I went back to work it was PT in a less demanding job. Still equal shares all the way though.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 17:10

Zadig: I don't know what to say about this. I am sure he cares about DD's wellbeing and he is loving toward her when they spend time together. (Though he rarely bothers to take her to the park or anything)

His own mother took care of ALL childcare - his father never even changed a nappy - and she was a SAHM. I have asked him before what he would think if his father spoke to his mother the way he does to me, and he has never really had a great answer (but he always has one!)

OP posts: