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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 17:55

His father is very sweet, very frugal, has never changed a nappy in his life, and can"t be arsed to take his wife to dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 17:58

DHs mother is a saint and I have no hope of ever living up to her!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/08/2018 17:58

dellacucina that does not sound like a sweet man he sounds like a lazy man

Loopytiles · 03/08/2018 17:58

(In his view) “I am just in this position to make some extra money and maintain my career”

It’s far more than pin money. It’s good that you work: maintaining a career is adviseable when you’re married to a domineering, sexist man.

Loopytiles · 03/08/2018 17:59

A man who has never changed a nappy is deplorable, not “sweet” IMO!

qwerty2018 · 03/08/2018 18:01

He’s a twat. I earn 20k and my husband earns 300k plus. My husband never remarks on my wage other than to be grateful.

ExtraFrills · 03/08/2018 18:02

don't know why a previous posters has suggested he is an only child Confused.

anyway, regardless, he doesn't sound very nice to me.

SweetSummerchild · 03/08/2018 18:05

A man who has never changed a nappy is deplorable, not “sweet” IMO!

I agree with you, if we’re talking about 2018, or even 1988. However, the OP said that MIL is elderly. I assume this means FIL is too. There are plenty of elderly men who never changed nappies. It just wasn’t expected then. It’s like saying that parents who left young children at home watched only by their 10 year-old siblings in the 1940s were negligent. The standards of today are different.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/08/2018 18:10

Never mind 'love', it doesn't sound as if the two of you like each other at all, OP.

Is this how you envisaged life?

You say you are 'good friends'. Really? How can you be good friends when you act like this towards each other? Feel like this towards each other.

DH and I are good friends, and our relationship doesn't look anything like this.

I earn a good salary and am in a flexible job, but DH far out-earns me. It just wouldn't even occur to him to use this as a bargaining chip, or means for putting me down.

I'm sorry you're so trapped in a situation you so clearly do not deserve to be in.

LannieDuck · 03/08/2018 18:54

We left it with him saying I could spend my own money on the nursery if it's so important to me.

So you want to move to a nursery closer to home = you pay out of your own 'pot' of money.

He wants DD in nursery on Fridays (you don't) = he pays out of his own 'pot' of money?

He wants an au pair so he doesn't have to do drop-offs = he pays out of his own 'pot' of money?

mirialis · 03/08/2018 19:09

don't know why a previous posters has suggested he is an only child

Neither do I - weird!! (I'm neither an only child nor parent to one). It would surprise me neither way if the answer to that was yes or no but the pp clearly has some bias that will get "confirmed" if the OP says yes!

But - whilst we're on our personal biases - the frugal old school family (saintly Mum, Dad who's never changed a nappy) + top grammar and Oxbridge social mixing and aspirations makes a pretty classic combo of ingredients for the sort of attitude OP's H is displaying. If it's got to him (and sounds like it has) then it's pretty ingrained and is not something he'll work himself out of easily any time soon. It's not just about whether what you do is "good enough" but also a lot of frustration about whether he is "good enough" and a fear/point of pride when it comes to not blowing cash. Some people like this wear their frugality like a badge of honour rather than admit they just don't feel safe spending. I don't know if this is him at all but it is - given his particulars that you've shared OP - it wouldn't be uncommon. You also said he can't sit still, always has a value-adding house improvement project on the go, gets frustrated with you for wasting time/effort etc. He's got a lot of shit going on in his head I think, whether he's conscious of it or not.

If you do stay together you really need to watch how that spills over to your DD. You said yourself that you came from a poor background and that has affected your attitude towards money but you seem to be recognizing the need to move towards a more QOL approach now. How would he feel if DD turns out to be average or below academically (not suggesting for one second he would love her less, but how would he feel/behave do you think)? How would you feel?

Magicpaintbrush · 03/08/2018 19:19

WTAF??? I don't know ANYBODY in real life who makes as much money as you do. Your husband sounds like a massive dickhead. It sounds like he needs both a reality check and taking down a peg or two. He could do with swapping lives with somebody who works just as hard as he does for a fraction of the money to gain some perspective. Income does not equal the worth or value of a person - there are people out there saving lives every day who get paid way less than you do, does that make them some sort of scum in his eyes??

qumquat · 03/08/2018 19:28

The issue isn't money it's him being an arse. You are actually incredibly lucky to earn 60k in a flexible role, and are clearly very good at what you do to have found a position like that. I earn half what you do, work insanely hard and it's not flexible at all (also in London, people saying 60k isn't much in London are getting my goat!). If he weren't picking on you for money I think he'd be picking on you for something else.

Tinkobell · 03/08/2018 19:41

I'm just amazed that someone as supposedly bright as an Oxbridge grad can be so puffed up by the arrogance of earning £100k. IF you quit your job all of the lifestyley things that you probably enjoy as a couple - nice cars, great holidays etc would simply not be affordable....especially if you hoped to get a bigger house or anything like that. I say this from experience as I used to have a similar salary ratio with my DH and we struggled after I became a SAHM. He's such a plonker!

mirialis · 03/08/2018 19:57

also in London, people saying 60k isn't much in London are getting my goat!

There are clearly many people on zero hours minimum wage contracts in London! OP and DH are not working and socializing with them though so that is not their "world".

Quartz2208 · 03/08/2018 20:17

I think London should read the city. I work in London in a big multinational firm based in Canary Wharf - only the top middle managers and up would get over 60 thousand. Same with my DH company as well. It is a big salary

bitheby · 03/08/2018 20:45

I went to Oxbridge and currently earn £15k a year. Am single so that's my entire household income.

No, it's not enough, but I manage. Believe me, £160k is loads and having been to Oxbridge doesn't mean a) you're motivated by money or b) that you'll earn it.

mirialis · 03/08/2018 21:56

bitheby - that's clear too (just like people in London on minimum wage).

All I'm saying is that if you grew up around/went to school with/socialised or worked with people from that particular childhood to well-paid job trajectory then you know that the OP's H is displaying a not uncommon attitude (and no, that's not at all to say everyone who has those inputs has that output).

I'm not saying it's right for the OP and her DD, or excusable or anything like that - I am saying it's sounds like something I recognize on paper (or, rather, online) having never met the OP or her H.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 22:42

I can't imagine all Oxbridge grads are that bright!

We have a nice house but no car and quite simple holidays! I actually think we could do ok on less. But actually he is not so much puffed up on £100k as convinced we need more.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 22:44

Yes, there are many Londons. We live in one where our combined income seems normalish (though I am quite conscious it is not) and this whole situation is a bit stupid because obviously people live just fine on far less

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 22:47

Quartz: I am actually a bit surprised by this. I would have thought the Canary Wharf firms paid more for some reason.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 03/08/2018 22:49

I doubt the salary would make much difference. I bet if you earned more he’d find another issue.

£60k is plenty in London. You could survive without him.

LeighaJ · 03/08/2018 22:52

"dellacucina

Whatsthecoming, I think his problem is that he doesn't compare himself to others much. He decides whether something is reasonable based on what he wants and then he assumes this is how the world works."

So he's a teenager...

Quartz2208 · 03/08/2018 23:01

Canary Wharf is no longer just finance. I work for a huge media/publishing company and yes the salaries are not that high

But as an aside we live in a nice house in commuter belt Surrey have a car and 2/3 holidays a year on half of your combined salary - so where on earth is your money going (childcare aside which with that and extra mortgage is not 80k a year)

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 03/08/2018 23:13

He really does have an inflated sense of self importance most likely due to him thinking he's earning the big bucks which makes him super important and better than you and other plebs.

Fwiw my dh earns over 200K I earn around 12K in a little business I work from home.
He NEVER makes me feel second best or like shit because he earns more than me. All money is our money and we both have total access to it.

It must be hard to live with a man making you feel like that. If it was me I would move nursery, he's very unreasonable and it's too difficult to talk and sort issues with someone like that. Tbh I'd think about leaving him.