To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP

I am glad it's helpful. It cannot be easy to hear and for that i am sorry.

It's great that you understand where his behaviour might be coming from but too many women have fallen into the trap of then accepting it because 'it's not their fault' or trying to fix it with no real input.
Can he change?

I earned 10x my husband and we never had an issue over "income disparity" - we both worked very hard and full time. This man sounds awful.

I think you mean you want to move the nursery - not move house - and the 5 days a week sounds better and won't burden the mother in law so much any more either. Sounds sensibel to me.

100k is net £5500 a month (after tax) less any student loan
£60k is £3568 a month after tax.

So you receive about £2k less than he does a month - not a vast difference. He is being very silly to make a fuss over it.

I agree with what people are saying about the costs of living in London. Inner London nursery can be £24k per child £48k for two babies from after tax income so £24k per each in the couple, add on your mortgage or rent and it soon goes. This couple probably have £9000 net a month less travel costs to get to work, and say £3k mursery fees and possibly £3k a month rent

I’m sure that’s the case, but that’s not relevant to this thread.

It’s entirely relevant to the claim - effectively - that most 60k jobs are high stress. Not necessarily. And they may well be lower stress than a 100k job that DH seems to want OP on.

Yes Transplants (love the name). I think maybe when I saw the OP's thread about him drinking whilst she was pregnant and she said that she was only doing it because he wanted children so he could be a bit more considerate and pack in the beers at home... I only read the first page (maybe two) of that thread so I don't know where it went from there as it was a long one but contrast that with the way OP speaks about DD in this thread... it sounds to me like the things they had in common (what the OP has called a "similar outlook" which probably covers politics, philosophy, religion etc. etc.) is now outweighed by a fundamental incompatibility in attitude about QOL for the family.

If both were really willing to work on that it could change... but he just doesn't sound like the kind of person who's going to work on it. People stick in marriages like this for many years - I fear you're going to be one of them OP but I do hope you at least do as you said and will get your ducks in a row so that you could comfortably leave if you wanted to. I'm sure you have no reason to doubt his fidelity now, but he is fundamentally selfish and you need to protect yourself so that you can set you and DD up with a good life if/when that became necessary. You are actually in a much more fortunate position than most women because you have continued with your career and your career is one that already pays well and gives you advancement opportunities if you needed them.

This relationship sounds like an utter car-crash. Whoever likened it to The War of the Roses was spot-on. The current battleground it about money. If it wasn’t it would be about something else - clock-watching on meal preparation times or who drinks what and when.

OP, your list of his ‘good points’ is pretty pathetic. So he is sort of handsome and has good taste as well as nice friends? Is that really worth spending the rest of your life with? You sound totally incompatible in outlook and values.

he absolutely thinks he should be able to do his job full throttle but I should compromise my standards and just do an adequate job because I am just in this position to make some extra money and maintain my career

Which is hardly commensurate with his desire for you to earn more.

He just wants to be on the side that’s winning, to paraphrase Bob Dylan.

This thread is so depressing. It reeks of keeping up with the Joneses.

£160k a year IS a fortune. Ok, it's not £500k a year or £1 million a year but I suspect he wouldn't be happy even with that.

Maybe some reassessing of priorities is needed. As others have said it's more about respect and control than the money.

Thanks for your sympathy, OP, that's very kind. You are obviously a very caring person.

Aside from missing my family, though, I feel my life is far better now that we have split. There are a lot of difficult things about co-parenting with a partner like mine after separation--it will never be easy. But not having to live a sham of a marriage anymore is worth a million pounds. Having developed the confidence and strength to leave him is also worth a million pounds. I hope you can get there too because I think you'll need to.

BTW, if nothing else, I hope your next step will be to do as much research as you can around emotional abuse--how to recognize it and escape from it. You have had some recommendations on this thread and there are other resources out there, and don't forget you can always call Women's Aid and just talk, even if it feels silly at first.

Don't think of it as a waste of your time or their time because things "aren't all that bad." Or that you're afraid to research this stuff because it might show you are disloyal to him. After all, you have a daughter--if in the end you realize your husband is perfectly lovely and you guys can counsel your problems away, you have put in valuable time educating yourself about the kinds of problems your daughter might encounter when she grows up, and you'll be better able to support her in case something like that should happen.

In other words, educating yourself doesn't commit you to any other specific action yet. Just give it a try.

I suspect his financial abuse would ramp up should he be more successful. Very often you find the more successful the more abusice people get. He’s then be earning ‘fat’ more than you and I’m sure he’d feel more entitled to be in financial and personal control

Sweetsummerchild: to be honest, I am quite angry with him so may be having trouble focusing on his good qualities.

He can be quite pleasant company and he does help around the house etc oftentimes. He can be quite funny and very smart. I am quite insecure and am probably drawn to his more forceful, confident nature (like a moth to a flame!). He often is a sort of calm, quiet presence. I like that he adores our DD (even though he is not quite as doting as I am) and it really is nice to be with someone who cares for our home and gets things done.

If I am very embarrassingly honest, I was probably a bit swept off my feet by his accomplishments and that sort of dashing Englishman blah blah blah stereotype. And he really chased me very hard

If I am very embarrassingly honest, I was probably a bit swept off my feet by his accomplishments and that sort of dashing Englishman blah blah blah stereotype. And he really chased me very hard

Don't be embarrassed. It was pretty clear it was something like that anyway because that is entirely understandable. I'm sure American men do this as well as British men - target attractive/intelligent women who are still insecure, put them on a pedalstool, chase hard, get them, and then spend the rest of their time thereafter gradually kicking the pedalstool out from under their "trophy".

He's also insecure though isn't he - which is a big part of why he does this to you.

I earn over £100k per year, DH earns £25-30k per year.

I never treat him as anything other than an equal partner.

Your DH is an obnoxious dick.

Just came back to say I don't think these men necessarily deliberately set out to do that (as the use of the word "target" may have implied) and realized I wrote "pedalstool" not just once but twice when I was correcting someone on that just last week!!! I blame the heat! Pedestal, obviously.

If I am very embarrassingly honest, I was probably a bit swept off my feet by his accomplishments and that sort of dashing Englishman blah blah blah stereotype

Don’t feel bad about it it’s hard to read people from different countries/cultures. I grew up around guys like him I know exactly what they’re like.

Is pedalstool a common misspelling? Or is it an actual thing?? I have never heard this before.

I see what you're saying, mirialis.

He plays it cool (so British) but is probably insecure underneath. Given his au pair criteria, I imagine the insecurity probably was appealing, and not necessarily consciously.

Did he go to boarding school OP?

No, his family couldn't afford boarding school. He went to an excellent grammar school and Oxbridge.

Youll find you. can live very happily on 60K alone with your daughter

Boys’ boarding school can impart some archaic attitudes to women, but if he went grammar school he doesn’t have that excuse.

What’s his dad like?

He may be trying to tell you to reset your expectations - you are saying you want to move house to be near the nursery, and you want childcare 5 days a week, and you usually have an au apair. It will depend on where you live and other outgoings but 160k simply may not finance all of those wishes. So all he is saying if you want more, you have to earn more because he's reached his earning power at the moment. He may not have put it well, but I can see where he might be coming from.

OP - is he an only child by any chance?

He sounds so much like my uncle. Apart from being very mean with money and controlling in many aspects of family life, he is a man who genuinely cares about his family and his role in it. He is just an obsessive ‘saver of money’ to the extent that he doesn’t see the wood for the trees.

I typed a massive post about my uncle’s behaviour, my aunt’s tolerance of it and the negative effects this has had on my cousins but realise that it would be fairly obvious who they were/I am. Put it this way, all my cousins have very dysfunctional relationships with men, money or both.

Oh ha, I want to move nurseries, not house.

Tatiana - actually if OP had said guess on basis of attitude towards money/wife and the fact that OP said their families didn't have money and she was impressed with his achievements, I would have said a QE Boys + Oxbridge education (or possibly bursary at one of the private all boys schools).

Della - yes, I do think it’s worth acknowledging that in some parts of the country £100k will not go far at all. Many people would feel insecure in that income bracket. Where I live in London, for instance, a normal family semi will be at least £3-4 million. If he’s thinking of privately educating more than one child, that’s £20k each per year in London and the surrounding areas - at 50% tax rate, you would need to earn £80k just for school fees for 2 DC. As a PP said, income is relative and many people would not feel at all wealthy on £160k per year, depending on where you live.

That’s ridiculous though. Just because he’s trying to maintain a privileged lifestyle in one of the most expensive cities in the world doesn’t mean they’re not wealthy.