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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Bellabutterfly2016 · 03/08/2018 14:08

If it was me I'd be very angry too
You obviously work very hard.
We don't earn £60k between us!!!! He needs to take a reality check. I think I'd be thinking about leaving him he sounds selfish and mean.

2good · 03/08/2018 14:13

So not only is he a dick to you, he also sounds like a dick to his elderly mum- he would rather that she minds the kids instead of paying someone!

famousfour · 03/08/2018 14:14

I don’t know if your practical arrangements are fair or not but it all sounds terribly cold and transactional. What happened to mutual love and support? If I didn’t have the latter it would be a deal breaker for me regardless of who did the nursery drop offs.

If I were you I would get my Indefinite Leave and then reconsider.

mirialis · 03/08/2018 14:53

We don't earn £60k between us!!!! He needs to take a reality check

But that is both his and the OP's reality - the people they work and socialise with are all earning that or more and they sound to be living in an area where a decent (not fancy) 3-bed house can cost over £1m.

The OP has said they earn in excess of their spending but I suspect they don't earn enough for the H's aspiration. And rather than thinking that she's a "ballbreaker", he sounds frustrated with the amount of hard work she does for the salary she receives - if she is "only" going to earn 60k then he thinks she shouldn't carry so much stress/hours at work, just like he thinks she should spend so long cooking from scratch because it's not got any monetary value in it so is a waste of time/effort.

mirialis · 03/08/2018 14:54

should not spend so long cooking

Loopytiles · 03/08/2018 14:54

60K is in top 5% of salaries for women. OP is a high earner.

Loopytiles · 03/08/2018 14:55

And doubt many £60k jobs are low stress!

TatianaLarina · 03/08/2018 14:57

Some 60k jobs are signifantly less stressful than minimum wage jobs.

mirialis · 03/08/2018 14:58

Loopy - I understand that but in the place they live and the circles they mix in, 60k is really not anything flash. The OP likes it for the family-friendly flexibility it affords her but he obviously thinks she should be spending the least amount of time/energy on that job as possible because it's not paying enough.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 15:07

Mirialis: that's correct. DH thinks I should make more money if I am going to work a lot. I actually think he has unrealistic ideas about this - my current position is about as low stress and flexible as you can get in my profession - but his general attitude is that I should be able to stick to my contractual hours and just sign off at the end of the day.

And yes, he hates the concept of expending any unnecessary effort/spending any more money than is essential.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 15:10

(Basically, everything revolves around money with him. Everything)

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 03/08/2018 15:15

I would leave. Do you want your DD to end up with a men like your DH? Because thats what you are setting her up for.

Shambu · 03/08/2018 15:18

A job with higher remuneration will likely come with less flexible hours. Why is your husband more concerned about money than he is about your daughter? Have you asked him?

Shambu · 03/08/2018 15:18

And also your wellbeing.

CousinKrispy · 03/08/2018 15:24

I apologise, I haven't read the entire thread. But this jumped out at me about this good qualities:

He is charming and was very in love with me when we met. He has excellent taste, we have similar outlooks about many things, he is trustworthy (I think) and responsible, quite handsome, and has lovely friends.

I could have said all of that stuff about my husband (OK except he was never all that handsome haha). It was true. And he was still a bully and a bloody nightmare to be married to and I'm deeply relieved we've split up.

An abuser isn't evil and abusive 100% of the time. But if the relationship is this unhealthy and dysfunctional because you're married to a bully, I don't think that relationship is fixable.

You can acknowledge his good points and still think that you AND YOUR DAUGHTER are worth more than remaining in a marriage where you're treated this way. Maybe you can't do anything about it right away due to the immigration stuff, or because you're just not ready. But please start thinking about how you would leave for the day when you are ready. You don't want to model this for your daughter.

I wish 100% I had moved back to my home country before our daughter was settled in school here.

NotAgainYoda · 03/08/2018 15:29

mirialis

I think you're right, and I think that that philosophy is also what the OP's friends subscribe to. The question for the OP is whether her fundamental ideals and the way she wishes t live her life and bring up her child clash with his.

People on here are objectively saying that there are other ways to live

Zadig · 03/08/2018 15:32

Della - yes, I do think it’s worth acknowledging that in some parts of the country £100k will not go far at all. Many people would feel insecure in that income bracket. Where I live in London, for instance, a normal family semi will be at least £3-4 million. If he’s thinking of privately educating more than one child, that’s £20k each per year in London and the surrounding areas - at 50% tax rate, you would need to earn £80k just for school fees for 2 DC. As a PP said, income is relative and many people would not feel at all wealthy on £160k per year, depending on where you live.

That said, he is STILL highly unreasonable in using your earning disparity against you, OP. What does he think about families where there is a SAHM? Plenty of high earning men have SAHW and I’m sure he must know a few? I agree with PP, that even if you were to triple your salary overnight it would be something else - you don’t give him / DD enough time ; you are inefficient around the house and in general life, etc. It’s not about how much money, it’s an attitude of mind and unfortunately his is skewed.

Loopytiles · 03/08/2018 15:38

“Some 60k jobs are signifantly less stressful than minimum wage jobs”. Am sure that’s the case, but that’s not relevant to this thread.

OP’s H is essentially expecting her to treat a senior role as an old fashioned “little job”. If OP got an even higher paid, longer hours job, it seems highly unlikely that he would do more of the parenting or domestics.

Mixing in wealthy circles may easily give rise to envy, but is no reason for OP’s H not to appreciate his own wealth, or to mistreat OP and pressure her to earn even more - while she does loads in the home too, and almost all the parenting.

mirialis · 03/08/2018 15:45

Yoda - I agree and it's a large part of why I said I think that this is more than him simply being a bastard: I think they are incompatible. There are women who'd agree with his philosophy and either be the "ballbreakers" in their career going for top dollar and there also women who'd be the SAHM until DD was of school age and then take a more flexible job to fit around pick up/drop off and completely accept their second-class status and being dictated to by "the man". Doesn't sound like OP easily slots into either of those categories - will not go for the big money at the expense of time with DD but will not accept her subservient status because she doesn't bring in as much money as him and has it "easy" in comparison to him (and please, don't for one second think I agree with him)!

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 15:52

CousinKrispy: I just wanted to say I am sorry you're in that position Sad

OP posts:
TransplantsArePlants · 03/08/2018 15:53

mirialis

Yes. Don't get me wrong, he sounds awful

(I am so sorry OP but he just does).

Maybe seeing it as an incompatibility is a also a more palatable way of looking at it for you OP. You weren't to know that his ideals and yours would diverge so much.

However I have a big issue with how he speaks to you

Loopytiles · 03/08/2018 15:55

don’t use private education: that could easily become another, big barrier to leaving.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 03/08/2018 15:56

but his general attitude is that I should be able to stick to my contractual hours and just sign off at the end of the day

What, like he does? (referring to your recent holiday)

God, he wants it all ways doesn't he?

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 15:57

These comments are actually really helpful. Years ago before I got pulled into my current life, I planned to live in an affordable mid-sized city making a decent living and enjoying a nice QOL. I always wanted a job that is basically like the one I have.

However, DH does have different ideas about and he really wants to make a lot of money. He is probably frustrated because he has had some career setbacks recently and I am sure this heightens his anxiety about our financial situation. I imagine that some pressure might be taken off me if his career were going as he would like.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 15:59

Dontcallme: yes, he absolutely thinks he should be able to do his job full throttle but I should compromise my standards and just do an adequate job because I am just in this position to make some extra money and maintain my career

OP posts: