To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

I would see an immigration lawyer. My dh is careful with money. He grew up in a poor household. He ears a little more than you do and supports 5 of us. I earn 10k a year but he never throws his salary in my face. He sounds really nasty and unpleasant.

How long does the ILR application take to process? Is it a long drawn out thing once you apply or could you plan to be "outta here" in a year?

I fear you're in a damage limitation situation as clearly he's not going to change and I can't see things getting better. I realise this is easy for me to say but if it were me, I would sit tight and play along for as long as the immigration thing takes and then take the [insert sweary descriptors of your choice] to the cleaners (if I hadn't recreated the deep fat fryer scene from Spooks first).

I think it is a lengthy process, like possibly 6 months. But I am not totally sure.

Bluelady I stormed out and he had to take her in in the end. He threatened not to pick her up but then did this after all.

But yes, he mostly does seem to care about what will benefit him, sigh.

The way this man chooses au pairs is the way he chose his wife

He sees them in the same terms

Op....read what you are writing. You are detailing the character of a controlling and woman hating man. Every time you tell us more about him (on this thread and others) it paints a worse picture.

Do you not see this ? If ypu knew what you know now would you have chosen him as the father of your child ?

It's a really hard situation as you are working, doing child care, making delicious meals, cleaning well everything and making a very substantial contribution to the home.
I don't earn any money at all. My husband it's the only bread winner and he never tells me not to do anything. It's our money.
If he had to do a fair share at home he'll find that very difficult.
He earns a lot but he does very little to contribute to the house.
I think a make or break conversation needs to take place.
You most be so tired of his BS.

I agree with all the posters who are saying that you suited your husband because your immigration status forced you to be reliant on him. He can’t control you financially (even though he may have convinced you he can) but you still depend on him.

Your DD is very young now but if you continue to stay in this relationship in the long term then you will be teaching her that this is what marriage is like and this is how husbands treat their wives.

My uncle is exactly like your husband, and my three female cousins have seen this relationship between thier parents. One of them is married to a very generous and kind man with no financial sense who spends money three times faster than he earns it and is in a lot of debt. The other two have never married.

Do your daughter a favour and plan your exit strategy now. Regardless of the circles you mix in, your salary is not ‘normal’ by any stretch of the imagination; it is high. You could easily afford to be a single parent and your life would be much better.

Going back to your original argument - I do think it is a valid discussion point. Changing nursery and paying out that much more money a year is a joint decision BUT throwing in your face that you don't earn as much as him is really not on.
My DH is a high earner too, he earns well over 10 times my salary (I only work 2 days a week) but he would never use the fact that he earns more as a bargaining tool. He realises he has it good - I do everything round the house (he does do as much as he can but he works long hours), all the midweek childcare, meals on the table (he cooks at weekends) and all life admin. Plus I make enough money that if he were to be sacked tomorrow all of our basic needs would be covered by my wage. I don't need to work but choose to (I am a lawyer too) basically because I have seen too many sahms shafted by their ex husbands.

I have assumed that you are American and I assume that your husband comes from a bit of a stuffy upper middle class British family (mine does). I do think there is a cultural divide where money is concerned. I have a couple of American girlfriends who are married to my husband's friends and they all disagree over money. In fairness the wives are all ball breakers in their fields and are much more demanding in terms of their husbands pulling their weight with nursery runs etc. Whereas the husbands have all grown up with sahms/ nannies; I don't think they know how to deal with strong, independent women

I really don't know how you solve it we share all of our money and make joint decisions - like I say, my DH would want to discuss changing nurseries and, for example, if I wanted to increase the DCs hours and money would play a part in that. Have you gone through your finances together?

Brideslave: we have not gone through our finances together in this way. We earn far in excess of what we spend so it's just a discussion of how much we will save each month iyswim. Last night when he informed me I could pay to move DD to the other nursery if I really insisted, he then walked me through what that would mean for my annual savings. It was in the context of his proving a point.

I expect DH to pull his own weight to the extent he can. I am sure he thinks he does and that our arrangement is fair - and recently he has mentioned that he can do pickup sometimes (though it did turn into yesterday's argument).

I don't know how to solve it either. There possibly are simply big incompatibilities that can never be fully resolved.

And I am not sure how unfair the arrangement even is - I have the lower pressure job so it makes sense for me to do more childcare, I just think I deserve respect for my contributions.

And I am not sure how unfair the arrangement even is - I have the lower pressure job so it makes sense for me to do more childcare, I just think I deserve respect for my contributions.

Possibly all you need to say to him? Even a lawyer would do well to argue when you put it like that

I honestly don't understand how you can put up with him treating you like this. My dh earns roughly three times as much as yours and I am on 35k, he treats me as a complete equal.

He walked you through what it would mean for your annual savings?! This is his child, shouldn't it be your and HIS annual savings? All that money and you're in this situation. Bonkers.

Brideslave: it is actually quite funny reading your message. You definitely seem to know our type and you and I probably have a lot in common!

I have no idea how DH's friends perceive me. Maybe they think I am a ball breaker?

Bluelady: idk what to say. I guess I have avoided thinking too hard about the financial situation. He makes a lot more than I do and claims his money as his. If I have ever raised any points he says we will both benefit from his savings / pension

Easy to say. A bit of benefit now wouldn't go amiss. Make sure you know the extent of those savings and pension so you can get your fair share when you leave him.

OP, I just wanted to come back on and say that I do feel for you as 300 plus replies telling you the same thing must be very hard to read.

I’ve been thinking about your situation because, in many ways, my DH is the opposite extreme. For instance, he was quite upfront when we had children that he would prefer me not to work at all. I realise lots of women on here would be up in arms about that kind of attitude as well. As it is though, it’s worked for us but ONLY because he’s never once in over 15 years queried my spending on myself or the DC. Nor does he have any concept of the money being anything other than family money. So even though I’m a long-term SAHM / wife, I’ve never felt restricted in my choices or financially. On the other hand, DH is a workaholic, never cooks or does housework, but I don’t mind this because I have a cleaner in as much as I need. I do sometimes wonder what DH would say if I told him I was returning to work and if he could adjust to that. I’m not sure how he would react to be honest, but that scenario hasn’t arisen.

So I guess what I’m saying is, it’s important to have the same values in a marriage. It sounds as if your DH values your salary - fair enough in a way - but this should not be to the exclusion of everything else. Your priorities seem to be more focused towards quality of life, for your DD and as a family. It sounds as if your DH has deep- seated issues and is possibly neurotic tbh. When men need to belittle and control others there is always a deep-rooted insecurity underneath.

You are clearly an intelligent and competent woman and you are a mother. You are posting on here and continuing to engage, even though it must be very distressing for you. Of course you’re not going to leave your DH and the father of your DD over a MN thread, but I would encourage you to see this as a starting-point.

Could I suggest you take yourself for some counselling / psychotherapy Della? My DH is a lot to contend with at times (in a totally different way), plus I have 3 DC. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to have a given space in the week where I can offload in a non-judgemental context. You can begin to separate things out and not think about everything in terms of the DC or how your DH would react. I should have done it years ago. I think this could be invaluable for you. In the meantime, just don’t feed into his BS. Look him in the eye and tell him you don’t care about his petty salary and other nonsense. Show him he is losing his grip - small steps, little by little. Good luck!

Zadig, thank you for this thoughtful message.

It is probably a good idea to get individualised counselling. The main issue is finding time. Perhaps this is something i can organise after we get a new au pair (because I honestly don't know when I could find the time now).

I wish DH would get some sort of counselling because I think he has trouble seeing beyond his own perspective.

I feel that I am using this thread as a form of counselling / a sounding board and I think this is helpful to get an aggregated semi-objective viewpoint on the situation, but surely an actual professional would be better suited to advise (!)

With characters like DH, therapy doesn't necessarily help them see beyond their own POV it just affirms it.

Seeing life from beyond your own ego is a choice an individual needs to make on a deep level.

Don’t have more DC with him!

His approach to the au pair is just further evidence of his sexism. But if DH will stump up cash, an au pair could help you a lot in the short term.

Some of your posts suggests that you have internalised some sexist views, eg despite working FT in a highly paid role you feel you should do more at home than your H. He chose his field and it has BIG payoffs, for him. Plenty of men in highly paid jobs do their fair share at home too, and respect their wives.

This guy clearly doesn’t respect or value you.

Where are the joint savings? Can he see what you spend? Hope not.

You need to build up money that he doesn’t know about, to pay for legal advice etc.

I think he is right about saving money but if he is tight and controlling exactly how are his savings and pension going to benefit you ? He will be holding money over you all your life.

This is about a controlling man, who sounds financially and emotionally abusive. Hear how many other women in the same financial situation as you are coming on here to tell you they don’t hear this from their husbands?

You could tell an actual professional more confidential and emotional information but you need to separate to him

Im sorry but the fact that you were vulnerable when you met and how he treats au pairs is a further indication of his character

But if you take one thing from this stop thinking your job is not well paid and that your role is to play a meek woman

He is not a total monster every moment by any means

No of course he's not. You are an assertive, intelligent woman with a good job. You'd be out of there like a shot if he was.

How much of a git does he have to be? Because to objective outsiders (not your friends who will tell you what's comfortable for them to say in the light of their own circumstances and their desire to not challenge you too much) he's pretty much of a git.

He doesn't have to be a monster for you to believe he doesn't give you and your child enough of what a loving relationship hould be

If you do proceed with couple’s counselling make sure it someone well qualified, eg BACP. It may be that he manipulates the counselling: if that happens, stop.

Individual counselling for you would be better IMO.