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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Comtesse · 03/08/2018 08:47

Why should you roll over? He is not your boss -he is your husband. Why should he make all the decisions - we must have second hand appliances, you are not allowed to make hummus, we will have lodgers - he is NOT in charge of ever aspect of your family life.

Earning more money does not allow him to call the shots. I earn what your husband earns - last year my DH earns less than £1k but we make major financial decisions together.

Don’t downplay what you’ve written on MN in the past few days - he sounds awful.

Comtesse · 03/08/2018 08:51

Oh and completely pathological about money.

mirialis · 03/08/2018 08:51

Glanced at your other threads - you sound like you are heading to a "War of the Roses" (that old 80s film with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner) marriage... I don't think this is only a matter of your husband being a bastard - you sound totally incompatible and like you will end up hating each other! Won't be fun for DD.

Given the indication of your location when you were pregnant, £150-200k joint income actually probably doesn't seem that much (whilst it seems like loads to most people). It seems to bother him a lot and that will not change. Unless you are prepared for you and DD to bear the brunt of that, I think you have to start formulating your Plan B and have all your ducks in a row.

You've made it clear you're not going to leave him any time soon but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do the sensible thing and make sure you could comfortably do so if and when it becomes intolerable.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:55

Mirialis: our income feels sort of normal among people we know - and in fact I make a lot less than many of them! Additionally, neither of us has family money unlike his posh friends, who can always go live in a cottage on their relatives' estates or whatever.

I am able to see that we are in a fortunate position compared to most people, but he has London tunnel vision.

OP posts:
sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 03/08/2018 08:55

Please see an immigration lawyer. I have a feeling with your salary being what it is, that you will be ok if you left him. Being tied to a man like that for another year wont do your mental health much good, especially now that your eyes are wide open.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:56

The main thing I am getting out of this thread is that I probably should have all of my affairs in order for now, which is probably always sensible advice.

I am terrified of a 'War of the Roses' scenario. I really don't want DD to go through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:58

Sunshine: I am still hopeful there is some light at the end of the tunnel. We are finally going to marriage counseling and I think it is worth seeing if this helps at all. It would totally upend my and DD's lives to leave, and I think he has the potential to be very nasty in the event of a divorce.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/08/2018 09:00

You know op

There is another thread on here at the moment.

Woman married a CEO he earns a six figure salary and pays his poor wife £100pw, yes that’s right. She doesn’t work because she has a young child.

He also micro manages everything she buys for the house too! He even choose her car!

These men are awful!

Of course they have good points - so do murderers and rapists!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/08/2018 09:01

Oh yes he will be very nasty in the event of divorce. He will try to hide his savings for sure!

I hope you know where they are!

You need to demand to see them. Otherwise he will deny they ever existed

geekone · 03/08/2018 09:01

OP I have read through this and I think you are right to keep going for the year but get your affairs in order in the meantime. I would continue with counselling see if your marriage is worth working on.
I believe your husband thinks you won’t leave him so in a year when you have a better visa have the discussion then. It will go one of two ways, he will threaten that he had more money and will apply for full custody (won’t an abuser trick to keep spouses in line) or he will actually realise he could lose you and change.
Good luck op. Flowers

ciderhouserules · 03/08/2018 09:03

OP - the Visa apart, you are in a strong position. You are a high earner, and can easily live on your wages alone. You would be a LOT better off without this millstone round your neck, checking every penny, miserly, penny pinching, list-ticking - there is no love there. A home with you and your child in calm happiness must be better. I don't think it would be 'harder' if he does nothing to help parent. You would do things your way, without the arguments and pettiness.

I second getting hold of all the financial records you can. Just for the future. And get legal advice.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 09:04

Mellie: that's truly awful. I believe my husband is better than that, tbh!

Geekone: thank you Smile I think you're correct about the possible outcomes in that situation

OP posts:
mirialis · 03/08/2018 09:06

Are his lovely friends you refer to British? This is pure speculation and probably wide of the mark... but I'm wondering whether he portrays you as the neurotic American wife?

Do you have many friends independently from him?

Llareggub · 03/08/2018 09:09

Well I am a single mother with a decent income and a stressful job. I can assure you that my life sounds a lot easier than yours. The only person I get to argue with about money is myself, and I always win.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 09:10

Mirialis: I don't think he ever confides in friends about our relationship. But I could be wrong.

Yes, his friends are basically all British. I have no clue what they think of me. I have seen that at least one of them gets impatient with his treatment of me, at least in the past.

I used to have more friends but a lot of them were single ladies and they seem to be less interested in me since I had a baby. I found that I was always reaching out to them. I only have one or two friends in this country whom I can really confide in, and I worry about wearing them out with complaints re DH.

OP posts:
Anonymumm · 03/08/2018 09:10

This would really grind my gears, my Husband and me have always seen everything as 'ours' - he's in a marriage with you, not a competition!

Just because he earns more, doesn't mean that he's better or has more rights or say than you do.

The only point I would say is - his remarks on earnings aside - an extra £400 a month is £4800 a year, and that is ALOT of money to pod out when you don't have to. Don't wish to detract from your original post, or point, which I fully concur with, but is this what is driving his reaction?

MortyVicar · 03/08/2018 09:11

We are finally going to marriage counseling

Rule 1 - never go to counselling with an abuser. I would bet my last penny that even if he goes, he's expecting it to be the counsellor pointing out all your faults and completely vindicating him, so that he can go 'see, I told you it was you. There's nothing wrong with me.'

I've heard the script too often (ex relationship counsellor). Not that we ever would make it about fault.

And anything you say in the sessions would be used as a stick to beat you with when you get home. Go to counselling on your own, to help you work through your feelings about all this by all means - but don't go with him.

MLMLM · 03/08/2018 09:11

"I think he has the potential to be very nasty in the event of a divorce"

Yes OP

That's because he is a nasty mean cunt. This tells your everything you need to know.

And even if he didn't mention your salary again and good to counseling with you, he'll still be a nasty mean cunt as he's always been.

You do know the cliche about abusers being charming especially at first don't you? And lavish gestures / OTT behaviours early on are a huge red flag too

Yes your DD and your life might be turned upside down, but for the better as you won't need to be walking on eggshells or fighting with this horrible person so regularly!

ciderhouserules · 03/08/2018 09:14

Mirialis: our income feels sort of normal among people we know - and in fact I make a lot less than many of them! Additionally, neither of us has family money unlike his posh friends, who can always go live in a cottage on their relatives' estates or whatever. - it sounds like you move in rarefied circles, OP! Most of us don't jointly even make what you bring home! And certainly don't mix with 'landed gentry'.

You might lose this circle if you do split with him. But there are other, more normal people out there too Grin Lots, in fact. It's actually nicer, not having to compare BMWs, or houses, or holidays, or dresses, or labels, or etc etc etc.

Thedutchy · 03/08/2018 09:18

He sounds really unpleasant and I couldn’t be with anyone that looked down their nose at me or tried to undermine or belittle me any chance he got.

Horrible .

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 09:21

Anonymumm - yes, he is quite upset about this potential additional outlay. I asked ITT whether I was being unreasonable to want this because I can see it is a lot of money!

I also do see that there can be different perspectives on spending money to make life easier. I place great value on reducing stress/hassle so I would rather spend my money on this than a handbag (errr, lots of handbags) or something.

So I recognise that DH may actually have a point about this. I definitely brought my desire to move to the more convenient nursery up in anger when he tried to insist I take DD to nursery contrary to out prior agreement - then he made the comment about how I need to earn more then.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 09:24

Oh, and this was just an example of his bringing up how little I make, which has been a cudgel he has pulled out when convenient for a long time.

OP posts:
lpchill · 03/08/2018 09:27

I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time with your DH.

In a marriage you are both equal regardless of what you put towards it. He is brining in more money but your brining in more childcare. It's a balance.

It might be worth sitting him down alone to explain how him comparing incomes effects you. Don't go in with accusations as you maybe surprised of the reason for his behaviour, and accusations won't help you get anywhere. I know a lot of commenters will say he's a jerk and leave him but you did marry him for a reason so try to give him the benefit of the doubt until you have a proper conversation.

TatianaLarina · 03/08/2018 09:27

That said, it is weird seeing him choose au pairs. He wants girls who seem like they would be more 'grateful', sweet, and willing to just do whatever we ask. (Which is logical in some ways - but kind of creeps me out)

This is absolutely fascinating and sadly great insight into how and why he chose you. Due to immigration status you’re more dependent and more grateful. He figured you would do whatever he wanted. But you have too much intelligence and character for that. He wants a woman he can dominate and control.

Bluelady · 03/08/2018 09:30

He hasn't got a point about the nursery at all. He agrees to drop her off, then can't be arsed to do it so you have to do it. Changing it isn't in his interest, he wouldn't benefit. You would. And he doesn't give a stuff about that.