Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:12

Eightfaces: that's all fair.

I am not sure what I was looking for. I was just really angry following yesterday's argument and I was thinking of how he said I was crazy. I was wondering if maybe I am being unreasonable. (A friend and I regularly text and she said that there is some validity to his bringing up my salary when discussing child care - but then when I explained he didn't mention it as a point of discussion, but more as a way to attack me, she basically said that sounded like him)

I do feel like I am going a bit mad and I wonder if maybe I am doing something wrong here. He is so convinced that he is right and I am unreasonable and demanding that I really doubt myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:17

Quartz: that is 100% true. I have not even gotten into some of the truly outrageous things he has done in this thread, but he has flagrantly defied my wishes in big ways through our relationship, always on the basis that he thought he knew better what we needed. (Most of this had to do with money). And when he has given in to my wishes, he presents it as a great concession.

Part of why I have felt very hopeless in the relationship is that even though he can look back and admit some behaviour was wrong, I don't see him giving up his pigheaded viewpoint in the moment.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/08/2018 08:18

Op

Do you have access to his money? Do you know how much you have in savings?

How do you tolerate such a mean husband?

Why not tell him you need a break so you can both reassess your priorities in life?

You aren’t happy and if nothing changes then nothing changes

You will become more miserable

The thing is, there’s no benefit to being with a high earner if he acts like he’s on the breadline!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/08/2018 08:20

He is only able to do these things because you allow him to.

Take the control away from him.

He gets this behaviour from someone!

Eurghh would you want your son to act this way? Or your daughter to be treat this way?

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:20

Mellie: no, I don't have access to his money and I have no idea how much he has. Just the joint savings. (And he monitors this and challenges me even when I use the joint card on TFL or something!)

Taking a break is a huge step. It's something to consider but I don't feel I can do this now for various reasons.

OP posts:
reup · 03/08/2018 08:21

Second hand appliances on your joint salary - that’s so weird. What does he do with all his money?

Loopytiles · 03/08/2018 08:21

Your friend was wrong: your (very high, for women in the UK) salary and wishes don’t give you more responsibility to pay higher childcare costs.

You need to save your money for legal advice, immigration, and for when you decide to leave. £400 a month would be better spent on that.

Cambionome · 03/08/2018 08:21

No. That's what these men do, della.

When you have finally left him you will be able to see what was going on in your marriage. When you are in the middle of it it's just impossible to see clearly.

He won't change. Start working on what you are going to do with the rest of your life.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:27

Mellie: and re tolerating such a mean husband, I guess I have gotten used to it (in terms of financial meanness) and he obviously isn't horrible all the time (in terms of emotional meanness). But clearly I am starting to find it completely intolerable. I only now am feeling like I have a bit more control over my life now that DD is a bit older. I found pregnancy and the aftermath scary and overwhelming.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:29

Loopy: my friend just meant that the total pool of money available in the household is relevant to the question how much should be spent on childcare. Which i agree with as a general matter.

OP posts:
applesisapple5 · 03/08/2018 08:31

Haven't RTFT but sounds like your partner has very rigid views on your life together and how it 'should be' based on what? It actually doesn't matter but might help him if he unpicked where these rules have come from as he's very fixed in his view and it's massively impacting your life.
At the end of the day you don't have to do this work for him, and having an answer to his behaviour doesn't excuse it or make life easier for you. It's up to you how much energy you'd like to put into it, but as others have said his ideas about what life 'should' be are wildly out of touch and damaging to you all.

Quartz2208 · 03/08/2018 08:31

OP why cant you leave - no relationship regardless of your part in it should make you feel like this

I do feel like I am going a bit mad and I wonder if maybe I am doing something wrong here. He is so convinced that he is right and I am unreasonable and demanding that I really doubt myself

EVER

Your wishes and your daughters best interests do not matter to him only his own. For her sake as much as yours you have to see that

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:32

Reup: he saves his money and thinks of ways to maximise its value (eg improving our home)

OP posts:
Gojira · 03/08/2018 08:32

At the moment, my husband and I earn similar salaries, just over 50k each so pretty good.

In a couple of years, his salary will eclipse mine. If he dared to throw that in my face I would kick him out.

How dare he treat you so appallingly? He's vile.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/08/2018 08:32

Good for you op! I can totally understand why you felt very vulnerable after having your baby

Now it seems you are finding your strength! Good for you

Keep your standards high, keep your self respect and don’t lower them for anyone. Once you do this - you start to feel unhappy!

I know the idea of a separation will be an intolerable one but you get used to it over time.

Eventually something will give. In the meantime keep being strong and insisting he treat you with the respect you deserve

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:33

Quartz: I rely on him for my UK visa if nothing else! Leaving would cause me a lot of problems.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/08/2018 08:35

Folk saying she should leave.

It’s not really that simple as up and leaving especially when there is a child on the scene.

Leaving is a huuuuge thing and requires emotional processing more than anything else.

Courage, strength and many other things are also needed. These things are not always present after a post in MN. They will come with time.

This op is no doormat. I feel sure that she is a fighter. Not the feeling I’ve got from other posters on here in similar situations

Quartz2208 · 03/08/2018 08:36

Ah I thought that was linked to your job - so you need 5 years before it permanent

He chose you deliberately then.

So I think you need to start realising it is him and find your voice and put your foot down

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:37

Mellie: I refuse to totally roll over and I call him out on his BS - I suppose I am a fighter, but only insofar as I argue with him. Nothing then changes (usually) He just takes this as evidence that I am difficult and mean to him - so not sure it comes to any good.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 03/08/2018 08:38

Della, I'm getting so frustrated here. Please, please listen to what people are telling you instead of making excuses for him all the time. Your joint income is in about the top 1% in the country and you're buying second hand clothes and appliances - surely you can see this isn't normal? Nor is quibbling about a decent holiday.

That's before we start on refusal to have sex, spend time with you on holiday or pull his weight with childcare or housework. And his criticism of your home cooking which most men would love.

He's got you completely brain washed. Please open your eyes.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:40

Quartz: it's hard to know how much of it was deliberate. It is hard to believe he wanted a victim and I hope he saw more in me than my vulnerability.

That said, it is weird seeing him choose au pairs. He wants girls who seem like they would be more 'grateful', sweet, and willing to just do whatever we ask. (Which is logical in some ways - but kind of creeps me out)

OP posts:
ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 03/08/2018 08:40

OP I've read the full thread but am poorly and have been imbibing mucho cough meds so I do apologise if I am repeating other posters but do you have almost a year until your visa application can be made or is that when it will be granted? I'm not up on visa ins and outs so forgive me if this question makes no sense.

WiseDad · 03/08/2018 08:42

Step back for a second. He wants you to earn more so you can spend it on what? Early retirement? School fees? There has to be a point to it or is he in some lifestyle competition with a real or imaginary family?

Understanding the reason is more important than the symptoms.

Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:43

Bluelady: I definitely realise that some of this is abnormal. It is helpful to receive support from people saying I am not crazy for being annoyed.

I actually think the appliance issue is OTT nutso. I have told him I don't support this but of course he knows better!

It's a bit harder within the context of interpersonal relations - my own viewpoint will inevitably colour how I present things etc

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 03/08/2018 08:45

WiseDad: he just wants to have more money for security I guess. Future needs. By way of background, his parents are insanely frugal.

Thisisnot: in about a year I can apply for ILR. Until that time I am on a spousal visa which means I must be in a real and subsisting relationship with my partner.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread