To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

Brexit is a good excuse not to get involved in building projects right now.

Though it is generally quite family friendly, sometimes I have deadlines etc. He always becomes angry with me when I have to work a lot and says I just don't know how to push back, if I am going to work a lot I should make more money, etc.

Do you see what is happening here?

You can't win for losing, can you?

He is going to take every single thing you say or do, and in the case of the counselor every single thing anyone else says about you, and use it against you.

He brings up the fact that you cook meals for him (you cook meals for him!) as an issue - you are too slow apparently (too slow to cook meals for him!) The arrogant ingrate.

So many examples in your thread here of you doing something normal, and doing it well, and he turns it on its head and you end up feeling defensive.

He is going to weaponise every single thing as long as you stay together.

He does this because he enjoys tormenting you and this is what you bring most of all to the relationship. He needs this as much as he needs oxygen.

Fucking hell. This is no way to live your one precious life! This man clearly despises you! Please get immigration advice to see exactly where you stand, and then think about getting you and your child away from this mean horrible man. On your salaries you should be more than comfortable, not penny pinching. And his attitude absolutely stinks! Please don't think this is in any way normal, and don't waste your life on this miserable fucker. You have a good wage and can have a better life away from him. I'd rather starve in a garrett than live like this.

Mathanxiety has got the nail on the head in her last post - he'll never let you "win", he'll always find something to bash you with.

You need, as an urgent move, to find an immigration lawyer to help you or, at least, clarify the position, although you're obviously well informed on the issue.

Please allow yourself to enjoy the salary you earn! It sounds like you don't allow yourself to feel good about it. No doubt because of his disparaging remarks. If material things are not your thing, books, going out to a movie, seeing friends.

He doesn’t want you to do anything that helps you or gives you pleasure or makes you happy.
He just doesn’t like you at all.

Now you could live your life with someone who can’t stand you, but I think that would be a terrible thing to teach your daughter, it’s actually beyond sad.

I would find things much harder as a single mom so I should not complain

Except you wouldn’t be having to share your space with someone who sounds at best tedious.

Maybe point this out to him. I don’t really know what to suggest, I’m pretty easy going on most things, but this would be in my ‘very hard to live with’ category. If if isn’t for you I guess just ignore him and book childcare as you see fit. If it is then try to get that through to him.

Oh god I missed pages!

Suggest keeping DD where she is, the cheaper nursery, and using your money to progress the immigration thing, and build up savings in your name. More important.

Would your H financially contribute to another au pair? If so, that could take some pressure off you, and enable you to save.

Bagel is right start allowing yourself to feel good because OP you are a high earner. You earn more than my DH (just to be fair) and we are happily well off in suburia. And I dont want him to earn more because the job at the moment gives us time together and travel is rare. Those Dads that earn more work far longer hours and travel a lot.

The work life balance is important. Truthfully I suspect you will be happier without him working a 4 day week - you certainly with the right legal advice would find it is financially easy.

The attitudes and behaviours you mention would be a deal breaker for me.

I know a few couples like this, where the men are sexist and expect their wives to both work FT and do everything a SAHM would. Those men are shit partners (at best) and fathers.

Interesting that your H is angry if you work long hours and yet does this himself, and refuses to do any nursery evening pickups. Double standards.

I've just read the picnic thread. Jesus H Christ, this is even worse than I thought. Please save your money, formulate your escape plan for when you get your visa and get out as fast as you can. You're married to a nightmare.

I am a bit concerned that I have somehow not given the full picture and been unfair to him. He did do the nursery pickup yesterday, for example, and he does help a lot with stuff around the house. He is not a total monster every moment by any means.

I have been regularly threatening to leave him (which I am sure is not nice) so perhaps I am contributing to the nasty tenor of the relationship.

Doing the pick up once a quarter is nothing. What would his response be if you expected him to do twice a week, for example?

And he doesn’t “help” with domestics, he should be doing 50%, but apparently you both think that’s your job.

You’ve already said he spends little time with DD.

BonApp: I have never earned more while I had my DD. He complained all the time about how much I worked before (it was A LOT).

Tatiana: my strong preference is to stay here but I could move home if needed. And my daughter is a citizen in both places.

Don’t threaten to leave unless you mean it and are actually willing to do so.

He may well seek to prevent you leaving the country with DD, you’d need legal advice on that.

Why would you be nice to him? Is he nice to you? Doesn’t really sound like it.

Another thing I was thinking about: if your household income is as high as it is but your clothes and your baby’s clothes are second hand then either you are very tight with money or there is some financial abuse going on.

Loopy: to be honest, he definitely contributes a lot to home stuff. He never sits still and is always working on home-related projects. (It actually drives me a bit crazy because I feel that I can't rest much either)

Pretty much everything related to maintaining the baby is mine to handle. Some of this may be my doing because I have her wardrobe organised a certain way etc.

OP the point is the relationship is not in a good place and from here you have two options - try to work on it or work away.

One assumes you are threatening to leave because he wont work on it so at some point you are going to have to face up to this - and make the decision whether to leave or not.

The theme throughout is that he wants to have choices about everything even those things he doesnt have a choice in. Well you have given him the chance to stop and he has made the choice not too

All of your threads add to the picture though and I think you may have to face up to the fact that actually you have portrayed him pretty accurately and the state of your relationship

Comtesse: he is nice to me sometimes for sure. He actually did a great job on my birthday recently (my mom said it was like he went down a checklist -flowers, cake, earrings).

He hates when I spend any money at all but I don't buy secondhand stuff because he makes me. (With the exception that he insists on buying even appliances used, which is insane IMO). It is extremely difficult to plan a holiday with him because he pushes back against staying in a nice hotel ever unless there is some kind of massive discount available.

You may not have given the complete picture but what you have given is bad enough. This is what you've told us: financial abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, withholding sex, failure to parent - I didn't even have to think to come up with that list. He's much worse than you think. Much.

Well I doubt you would be able to take your dd out of the country.
And if you’re constantly threatening to leave him, he knows those threats are empty.

What do you want out of life? What did you want from this thread? Do you want him to change and understand your POV more?
Because you’ve obviously been with him a long time and it’s pretty clear to all on here (though perhaps not you) that will never happen.

You need a really long hard think about what you want, what you can actually achieve and what you want to teach your daughter.

Quartz: I have threatened to leave because (certainly in the moment) when I do it) I don't feel I can tolerate his treatment any longer. And yes, I don't get the impression he plans to change the behaviours that I object to.

Maybe it is due to gaslighting on his part, but sometimes I think maybe I am being unreasonable or making too much of some point. I really seem to get set off by small things these days.

Change your daughters nursery....it would be better for her and you both if the journey times were shorter as you'd spend that time with her rather than in the car. Quality of life is important. She can still go to his mothers but perhaps for a weekend morning or day once a month when you could spend time alone together to try to work on your relationship.

You,both earn a huge amount of money and can afford to make some changes which whilst might be costly would also benefit you all.

OP (and actually I do think its gaslighting on your part) but any relationship that sets you off with the small things and makes you feel unreasonable is over anyway.

And I think that is the crux of what you have to face up to - whether he is gaslighting you or not or how much of it is you being unreasonable and being set off by small things - he wont change the behaviours you feel upset up or object too because he doesnt see anything is wrong. He doesnt care that you dont like it. Either way OP I think you have to face up to the fact your relationship isnt working it isnt happy and you have to walk away.

And that is ok you are allowed to do that, however much you are responsible if you cannot tolerate his treatment that is sufficient