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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 02/08/2018 22:39

@Jamiefraserskilt
I thought that
What if he had a life changing event that meant he couldn’t work

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 22:42

Ethylred: what would you do if someone repeatedly did something that was extremely disrespectful to you? (In this case, pointing out I make less money as a means to attack me). You wouldn't forbid them from doing it?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/08/2018 22:49

Havn't read the full thread, as i find it a v v uncomfortable read but noticed that you twice mentioned a row after you asked him to do something which he clearly didn't want to do.

Im very sorry, and i really encourage you to look at the freedom program

NewPapaGuinea · 02/08/2018 22:54

Not read full thread, but curious as to what the situation was before you were married?

happypoobum · 02/08/2018 23:03

He sounds awful. I don't know how you stand it Flowers

Agree with PP - just change the nursery and deal with the fallout.

Giraffesandllamas · 02/08/2018 23:07

Tell him to cook a stir fry from scratch. Is he on the spectrum?

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 23:08

Update: he brought up the subject of the argument and again tried to convince me I was wrong about the nursery. He thought I would finally see reason! We left it with him saying I could spend my own money on the nursery if it's so important to me.

OP posts:
MissEliza · 02/08/2018 23:08

This is shocking. I can't imagine loving someone and treating them like this. He sounds horrible. You must be very good at what you do to earn 60k ( unless you're a footballer 😁😁). You shouldn't tolerate this

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 23:10

Roll on a year OP.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 23:20

NewPapa: in retrospect, he actually showed many of the same inflexible behaviours before we got married. Without getting into all the details, he has disregarded my feelings about a lot of things and pushed me to do the things he thinks are best for a long time

OP posts:
stressedoutpa · 02/08/2018 23:28

Jesus, I just read the picnic thread.

Op, I think you need to cut your losses.

stressedoutpa · 02/08/2018 23:29

How do you have the energy for all this shit? It is possible to be married and get on with each you know.

BonApp · 02/08/2018 23:38

Playing devils advocate here....

Could it be that he feels he takes more than his fair share of being financially responsible?

Do you have similar levels of ambition and drive?

Does he feel like he’s putting in more effort work-wise and thinks that you’re cruising along?

Not saying that’s right to feel that way but if that is how he feels maybe it explains his approach.

From what you’ve said it seems like he thinks your contributions to the houseful, financial or otherwise, are not equal. Looking in on your situation, I think you need to get to the crux of this before you can move on. Figure out why he thinks you are entitled to less of a say. If it’s because of the money, could you be earning more but choose not to? Is he very ambitious and you’re not?

I’m not saying this to side with your DH, but I am curious to know what his perspective is...

BagelGoesWalking · 02/08/2018 23:43

"He actually wants to do a big building project and plans for both of us to dump all our money into it"

PLEASE, please don't lose your financial independence by doing this.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 23:46

BonApp: my feeling is that he kind of wants it all - a wife who has loads of free time to handle stuff at home and who also makes lots of money.

I am a very hard worker and conscientious in my job. Though it is generally quite family friendly, sometimes I have deadlines etc. He always becomes angry with me when I have to work a lot and says I just don't know how to push back, if I am going to work a lot I should make more money, etc.

We agreed I would take this more family friendly job so we could have a family and because I was very unhappy in a higher stress (and higher paying) job

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 23:47

And he has felt a burden as if he is the breadwinner (something he loves to say) even when I made more than he did because he believed the fact that I disliked my job meant i was always on the verge of quitting (which I never really suggested)

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 23:48

How can he possibly feel more than his share of financially responsible with a wife on 60k? She could survive without him on that!

OP is working FT doing the bulk of childcare and making meals from scratch. He can’t even be arsed to take his DD to the park. If anyone is cruising it’s him.

The crux is that he is an arsehole who intentionally diminishes the OP. He thinks she’s entitled to less of a say because he’s an entitled misogynist.

BonApp · 02/08/2018 23:50

Hmmm. Did he preferbitbwhen you were earning more?

Can you just ask him outright “why is it you think I’m not entitled to make this decision re nursery?”

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 23:50

f I am going to work a lot I should make more money, etc.

He’s completely obsessed with money isn’t he?

Starlight345 · 02/08/2018 23:51

Gosh op . As this thread has gone on op I am wondering what you are getting from staying with this man

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 23:51

Oh, plus he actively wants to be a big earner / the breadwinner and he wants me to support him.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 23:52

Tatiana: yes. He cares more about money than pretty much anything else

OP posts:
stressedoutpa · 02/08/2018 23:56

This isn't going to get any better.

What are you going to do?

TatianaLarina · 03/08/2018 00:02

I’m guessing he’s a lawyer on that salary. It’s not quite enough for the city.

Which country are you from and would you go back there?

mathanxiety · 03/08/2018 00:03

He actually wants to do a big building project and plans for both of us to dump all our money into it so he essentially considers all our money to be joint I guess.

Under no circumstances should you do this. Tell him if the home renovation is that important to him he should spend his own money on it.

Keep squirreling away money for yourself and your daughter, and your future legal bills, because there is nothing that will ever change this man, and you are going to have to think seriously about divorce.

You should see an immigration solicitor. Get the best you can afford.

Your relationship is every bit as bad as people here have been saying, and then some. He is an abuser. Every single altercation you mention screams ABUSE.

Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

In the meantime, deal with him as Want2Be advises.
Do not address whatever topic he wants you to argue with him about for the purpose of showing you how little he cares about your views. (This is the only reason he brings up topics of discussion, by the way. He is relieved when a decision is reached that was your idea all along).
Instead just repeat ad nauseum. 'Do not shout at me/speak to me in that tone of voice' - or make him leave the room/house and come back in again only this time with a civil tongue in his head, as W2B says.

And go to counseling alone.