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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
buttfacedmiscreant · 02/08/2018 17:13

I agree that he is highly unlikely to change. Mostly because he has no need to. You are the problem in his eyes. His wants and needs come first. Even though you say he loves his daughter, in the same breath you say that it is on his terms. Sounds like everything is on his terms and so long as everyone plays along things are going to be ok.

That works fine when kids are tiny, not so much as they get older. You have a problem that is only going to get worse as your child becomes an independent person with ideas and opinions of her own.

catherinedevalois · 02/08/2018 17:13

Oh my word this is no way to live. You earn 60k and don't buy new stuff? You absolutely could live alone (once the visa thing is sorted) and I bet your quality of life would soar. No more second-guessing his actions/words, no more belittling, no more of his twattish views and decisions etc. Just you and dd living life as you want.

Zadig · 02/08/2018 17:16

Della - I know this must all be quite hard reading for you and I’m really sorry because I feel like I’m adding to a barrage of criticism, but now you’re saying he has more in his personal account because he earns more? Have I got this right? Sorry if I’ve misunderstood, but if this is the case, it makes me so sad and depressed. You are a married couple with a child fgs!! How can he think this is ok?
I’m so sorry, I know he’s your husband and I’m sure he has some good points, but how can you respect a man like this?

Loopytiles · 02/08/2018 17:18

Agree that your H is behaving abominably and seems sexist.

Given the gender pay gap you’re probably in the top 5% of UK women earners anyway!

With your combined earnings a live-out nanny may well be affordable.

I personally wouldn’t move to be closer to a nursery, unless there were other reasons why that location would be better, eg schools and/or commuting.

aaarrrggghhhh · 02/08/2018 17:21

Do you point out the significantly greater contribution you made to producing our daughter?

PostcodeJack · 02/08/2018 17:23

OP. He doesn't think he's better than you because he earns more.

He just thinks he's better than you.

He's using his income as an excuse to tell you he's better than you.

Double your income and he'll be finding another way of letting you know.

He's already letting you know some of the other things you do badly. He'll be keeping some in reserve for when he wants to further justify the fact that he's an abusive cunt.

Stick the year out. Get your immigration status sorted and then get the fuck out.

Incidentally, you're not friends. Friends don't deride their friends and I doubt you'd put up with this shit from any of them.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 17:23

Loopytiles: I just want to move DD to a nursery closer to our house.

I should clarify that while DH would probably disapprove of my buying myself a lot of new stuff, I just don't tend to do this as a personal choice. I don't feel deprived :)

Zadig: yes, that is what I am saying. He actually wants to do a big building project and plans for both of us to dump all our money into it so he essentially considers all our money to be joint I guess.

OP posts:
Flyme21 · 02/08/2018 17:26

So what's yours is his and what's his is his as well. Over my dead body would he get a penny for the building project. Do you feel as if you're having a happy life and that you are in a relationship that will enrich your future? If not the alternative is to collect all the evidence of his bank accounts, pensions and other assets and go visit a good divorce lawyer. All sounds a bit miserable to me, and you'd be fine on your own.

Loopytiles · 02/08/2018 17:29

Ah OK, well then defo move DD, or even better get a nanny!

Don’t invest all your money in a building project - stressful thing to do, and costs could balloon.

money would be better spent on couples counselling.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 17:43

Update: we haven't texted all day until just now when I told him what food he can give DD (which I made and put in the freezer). No response. I think he is giving me the silent treatment.

OP posts:
Pippylou · 02/08/2018 17:49

Not read the full thread but really? Do you even like him as a person now?

Quality of life is more important than quantity of cash, once all the basics are met. Basics can be quite extensive but still...

Good mental health is priceless.

Inertia · 02/08/2018 17:50

Don’t put your money into the building project, come up with an excuse to delay. He sounds like the kind of man who would wait until you had limited access to cash, having put it all into the joint project, and then pull the rug out from underneath you.

I don’t know your backstory, but his behaviour is a very long way from normal or acceptable.

Have I understood correctly that you could get an independent visa as long a you remain married for another year? I would focus attention on very discreetly pushing the visa process along as quickly a you can. He is treating you like this because he knows you are dependent on him.

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 18:17

Our original plan was actually for me to take Fridays off, but I didn't feel I could trust DH not to be even more of a jerk about my salary then (especially as my work demands may not decrease enough to satisfy DH).

In other words, your DD is deprived quality time with her mother because of her twatt of a father.

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 18:18

*twat

AynRandTheObjectivist · 02/08/2018 18:40

Double your income and he'll be finding another way of letting you know.

Oh my God, this is true. This is true. This is so true.

TransplantsArePlants · 02/08/2018 18:50

Tatiana

Yes.

He's controlling you, OP. You're giving up something you want and your DD needs to avoid criticism from him

BrieAndChilli · 02/08/2018 18:50

Well your wage alone is more than quite a few people so it’s not that paltry!!
Our household income is just below that and we have 3 kids!!

I earn a quarter of what DH does but he acknowledges that we were both on similar wages when I had DS1 and that if I hadn’t had 10 years out of a career ( I worked part time jobs that fitted round the kids eg waitressing) then I would probably be earning similar if not more than him now. But I took the time out to save on childcare costs and to be there for the kids when they were preschool/infants etc as that was important to us.

DisappearingGirl · 02/08/2018 20:41

Oh OP I really feel for you. I think sometimes it helps just to be told you're not being unreasonable - so YANBU, and your DH is! I think it's a good idea to firmly stick up for yourself as much as you can, and continue with the counselling. Also as others have said, to put money aside and quietly make a backup plan for when your visa is sorted.

Also, I wondered if your DH might meet a diagnosis of OCPD? (note this is different from OCD). I am not a psychologist by the way, just an interested layperson! Not that this would excuse his behaviour. Will attempt a link: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ocdpersonality.html

Jjjjigoo · 02/08/2018 20:52

How would he feel if you and dd move back to your home country? Would he miss her? Can you use this as more of a bargaining chip? Would it really be so bad if you do move back home?

MrsAmaretto · 02/08/2018 21:27

Go to an immigration solicitor and get some up to date advice. You can not stay married and bring your child up in such abusive surroundings.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 21:42

Yes, the OCPD symptoms sound a lot like him! I have never heard of this before. I appreciate the use of the word 'parsimony', so Victorian.

Sometimesondered if he is on the autism spectrum because he has abnormal emotional responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 21:49

Honestly, I think he would be very upset if I took out daughter away. I think he would be upset about losing me too. we have been through this before where he acts like an absolute pig and then in retrospect he is able to admit he is wrong. I do not know if he is capable of that kind of self insight with this money issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 21:50

Home after my drinks and he is acting totally normal. Perhaps storming out and holding my ground was the way to go.

OP posts:
Ethylred · 02/08/2018 21:52

"I have forbidden him"
Never a good look OP.
You both sound tossers.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/08/2018 22:13

So he can cook in less time than you, clear up better than you but moans when you ask him to watch your child or collect the child you made together? Then uses the one thing that he left to retain that place on cloud righteous? Wow.
Sounds like he only wants to do the things where his skill triumphs yours (in his mind).
What would happen if he lost his job tomorrow and was unable to find another? What about if he was not able to work due to ill health. Your 60k would be important then!
This is not a partnership this is a bloody competition..he needs to be reminded of what is important. Asshat