To be disturbed people think fathers rights are priority during a womans labour?

[Littlefluffyclouds0]

I’ve seen the discussion pop up loads recently, and I’ve been totally shocked by how many people (especially mothers) genuinely believe that a woman should not have the right to choose who is there witnessing her labour. So just wondering how common this view is, as I feel quite strongly she should have EVERY right.

Mainly regarding the fathers rights - I’ve seen so many people passionately defending the right of the father to ‘experience’ the woman’s labour and her birthing their child. With absolutely no regard for the woman’s wellbeing, the fact stress hormones can stall labour and make it much more painful, the fact there could be complications and the fact that she is in labour and should be treated with as much consideration and respect as possible. But according to many, the fathers rights to be a spectator to her labour come before everything else.

It also seems an argument which gets brought up is the fact she has had sex with him previously and therefore lost the right to have a say over her body anymore. Which I find quite a disgusting viewpoint too - often said in a graphic way by the person using that as a point..

I feel like it’s worth a mention that I have no personal bias - I very much wanted my ex at the birth and felt completely comfortable with it. But the thought that there are many who would have forced me to have him there against my wishes is really disturbing to me.

Obviously this is totally not related to once the child is born - but the labour and birth itself.

AIBU to think it should be the labouring women’s choice who she has with her during the birth, or should fathers have the ‘right’ to be there regardless of the woman’s wishes?

it’s not him feeling vulnerable

I felt vulnerable, and DH being there was a great comfort. Having him there made me feel very much less vulnerable.
My choice though, nobody should have to.

I’ve seen the odd comment on here, usually when the op has split/things are difficult with babies father, and she will come on to seek reassurance that she is not unreasonable for not wanting him at the birth.
Most support her.
I have sadly seen the odd poster comment that she was happy to have sex so why couldn’t he witness the birth.
My equally uncouth response to this vile remark is usually along the lines of you may have sex with someone, does that mean they should always have free access to see you naked/on the toilet/in the bath when you didn’t want them to.
Nope. Of course not. It would be abusive if they insisted upon this against your wishes.

This is purely to do with they way women are viewed as incubators for a baby. If partner (ex), mothers, mils want to come in and have a gawp the mother is clearly selfish for saying no. Who is she to prioritise her health, safety, comfort and dignity.

Thankfully it’s only a minority of posters, but these are probably the same posters who would say you must have visitors immediately and other rubbish.

@RomanyRoots if it's not the hospitals responsibility to ask a woman whether she's comfortable with it or not then it's not their responsibility to ask/instruct birth partners down to the business end in the first place. If someone is being invited down to get a clear view of a woman's genitals so they can observe a process for the sake of it then the woman in question should be involved in the conversation, if she isn't then it's very disrespectful care.

There is a new wave of 'support' for fathers ahead of when their wives give birth which I have very mixed feelings about as someone who is currently pregnant with my first. My husband has already attended one 'Daddynatal' class and is about to attend another one, has books etc.

One the one hand it is good that men are being better prepared mentally and practically for the birth they are expected to attend, and that this is not taboo.

One the other hand there is absolutely no analysis of the fact that in the past decades men have invaded a traditionally women's-only space, found it somehow lacking and then designed a whole industry based on creating male-only spaces to discuss how to 'fix' the fact that their needs are not being entirely attended to at all moments of pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period.

It's not as progressive as I think many advocates of the 'supporting fathers in childbirth' movement would like to think.

Its a consequence of the drive to make sure that fathers have a much greater role in their childrens lives that has historically been the case. The drive for equality though does leave some blind spots where men, who are supposed to be 100% engaged can be barred (along with their families). Its all a bit pic'n'mix to be honest.

@Fuckedoff There's been a complete 180 turn, in the past women didn't have the choice to be supported by their husbands/partner and now it's almost mandatory and assumed from the start that of course the dad will be there, no discussion. Choice is not encouraged either way.

@bobs Exactly, at no point have women's feelings and needs really been considered, just assumed.

Oh do bore off with your rancid accusations against me, and calling me MRA member, misogynistic, F4J member etc FGS!

I have never ever in real life met a SINGLE woman who was insistent that the father of the baby was not at the birth (if she is in a relationship with him, and there was no abuse etc.)

I cannot think of a single reason for him to not be there, and all this 'she is vulnerable, she is in pain' and so on, I fucking KNOW that! And for this reason, any NORMAL woman would want her precious beloved with her, not sit there refusing him access to the birth of HIS CHILD.

Oh and yeah - I HAVE given birth and would never in a million YEARS have stopped my husband from being there at the birth of OUR children. Then again, we have (and always have had) a very good marriage. Unlike a few posters on here it seems, who would happily deny the father of their baby a chance to be at the birth.

This thread is fucking batshit. Seriously.

The mumsnet 'bonkers brigade' never fails to deliver!

I am out! I cannot cope with the shit that is being spouted on here.

AND I am hiding the thread!

Enjoy your frothing!

I also hate the language 'denying the chance to be at the birth' 'missing out on the experience of being at the birth' As PPs have said it's not all magic and rainbows. I wonder what proportion of birthing partners secretlt don't actually find it a wonderful, moving experience at all.
During my 2nd birth I cried, sweated, screamed, tore, howled, pooed myself, vomited, bled heavily, had to be stitched up etc. It was all very messy and chaotic yet nothing out of the ordinary as far as childbirth goes.

And for this reason, any NORMAL woman would want her precious beloved with her

True enough, I would want my precious beloved beside me, but unfortunately the Powers that Be on the labour ward usually draw the line at admitting dogs.

@Lindalee3
So if a woman doesn’t want her partner their because she might feel inhibited his rights come first.
Being a good father doesn’t require watching the baby emerge from the vagina

Here it is: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3321560-To-want-MIL-at-birth?pg=2&order=

"SpectacularAardvark

I only let DH come because it was his baby too and I couldn't exactly stop him."

I also thought the OP was worrying way too much about her husband during childbirth when surely she should be making herself the priority when she's the one giving birth.

I am out!

Oh thank goodness, let’s hope that applies to the whole of MN.

The ONLY person who decides who is in the room (apart from medical personal, and this should come with consultation where possible) is the mother.

I think unless there is a good reason not to have partners present they should be present for birth, it's their baby too

The patient not wanting them present is a good reason.

*personnel. Sheesh thanks autocorrect

I had my DH at both of my births, but I completely defend the right of any mother to choose who she wants/needs to support her through her medical procedure. Stress can slow down labour and increase the risk of complication and the need for medical intervention.

Ive never seen this before. Most be a new thing.

I've never heard of this!

It's not remotely pick and mix to maintain that adults have the right not to have someone present who they don't want there when they're receiving medical attention. Both men and women have this right when they have capacity, universally. This isn't a blind spot.

I am very glad to read this thread. I was beginning to think I've become old-fashioned for feeling the same as you OP.

During childbirth and while the baby is tiny, surely to goodness the father's role should be to support the mum in whatever way she sees fit. That might or might not include being at the birth. Honestly, the number of intensely annoying dads on OBEM for example. Chattering on, taking up space, being terrified or sometimes complaining. Of course many dads are supportive partners but certainly not all of them. Why would they be?

As usual women's rights are expected to make way for men's.....

No father at my childrens birth, it hadnt then become a spectator sport. Didnt fancy having my legs inthe air with a full audience of random relatives inspecting the stitchwork. And staff have got enough to do without first-aiding the squeamish taking up space.