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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disturbed people think fathers rights are priority during a womans labour?

153 replies

Littlefluffyclouds0 · 01/08/2018 12:23

I’ve seen the discussion pop up loads recently, and I’ve been totally shocked by how many people (especially mothers) genuinely believe that a woman should not have the right to choose who is there witnessing her labour. So just wondering how common this view is, as I feel quite strongly she should have EVERY right.

Mainly regarding the fathers rights - I’ve seen so many people passionately defending the right of the father to ‘experience’ the woman’s labour and her birthing their child. With absolutely no regard for the woman’s wellbeing, the fact stress hormones can stall labour and make it much more painful, the fact there could be complications and the fact that she is in labour and should be treated with as much consideration and respect as possible. But according to many, the fathers rights to be a spectator to her labour come before everything else.

It also seems an argument which gets brought up is the fact she has had sex with him previously and therefore lost the right to have a say over her body anymore. Which I find quite a disgusting viewpoint too - often said in a graphic way by the person using that as a point..

I feel like it’s worth a mention that I have no personal bias - I very much wanted my ex at the birth and felt completely comfortable with it. But the thought that there are many who would have forced me to have him there against my wishes is really disturbing to me.

Obviously this is totally not related to once the child is born - but the labour and birth itself.

AIBU to think it should be the labouring women’s choice who she has with her during the birth, or should fathers have the ‘right’ to be there regardless of the woman’s wishes?

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 01/08/2018 13:53

Oh there was a thread yesterday I think where a woman said her husband had "come to terms" with her wanting an elective.

I was like...what?? What's it to do with HIM how she gets the baby out?

Fucking cheek.

Inertia · 01/08/2018 13:55

Once the baby is born it’s the responsibility of both parents, and the child has the right to parental care from both parents, but when a woman is giving birth it’s her bodily process alone- she should be the only person who decides who’s there , under the advice of the medical professionals.

Pengggwn · 01/08/2018 14:01

FASH84

But if you don't want the support, it's spectating.

fixingabrokenhesrt · 01/08/2018 14:06

@AjasLipstick because the husband has pay half of it as they were going private?

elliejjtiny · 01/08/2018 14:09

Ridiculous. My dh was present at my births because I invited him. With our youngest I phoned him in a mad panic saying they were putting a cannula in my hand and if he didn't come RIGHT NOW he would probably miss the birth. So he was summoned rather than invited . I probably should have let him eat his dinner first seeing as they didn't even start inducing me for another 3 hours .

longwayoff · 01/08/2018 14:12

Not another o poor men thing please.

AjasLipstick · 01/08/2018 14:14

Fixings Oh please. Whatever. Doesn't come into it. If he wants to put cash before his wife's mental health then right there he loses any say.

user1493413286 · 01/08/2018 14:16

In my job I’ve met a fair few fathers and their families who have been outraged that their ex partner didn’t want them there while she gave birth. Luckily I’ve also met a lot of midwives who are very firm about the pressure being put on a mum.

DiegoMadonna · 01/08/2018 14:18

It's probably just ambiguity of the topic and the language used, OP (as proven by the replies to this thread)

Almost everyone would agree that "unless there is a good reason not to have partners present, they should be present for the birth".

And almost everyone would also agree that if the woman explicitly does not want her partner there, then he shouldn't be there.

Very few people would say he has the RIGHT to be there against her wishes. Very few.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/08/2018 14:22

so in that way no a mother does not have the right to choose someone to be there to spite the father, but that is an extreme case.

Of course she has the "right". She has the "right" to have anyone she chooses present at the birth, assuming the person is not contagious or on the run from the long arm of the law.

Equally, she has the right to labour on her own.

niketrainersarecomfy · 01/08/2018 14:23

Eh?

OctaviaOctober · 01/08/2018 14:30

I've seen it mentioned plenty.

It's that shitty "equality works both ways you know" attitude, where people like to make out men are really hard done by and need women to speak up for them. That kind of thing. In terms of childbirth we must all remember that it's his pregnancy and birth too, so his wishes are equal to hers. Forget about all that tiresome pregnancy and birth talk, we know he'd go through it too if he could!

Blondephantom · 01/08/2018 14:33

Any reason is a good reason. Labour is easier (and safer) for both baby and mum if the woman is as relaxed and unstressed as is possible. If the father being there causes the woman discomfort or distress then he shouldn’t be there.

That being said, the father should be able to meet his child as soon as possible on the understanding that he may need to step out during breastfeeding attempts and medical check on the mother. Unless there is a good reason for a delay in meeting the baby. Previous domestic violence, for example.

Lindalee3 · 01/08/2018 14:35

Never heard of this in my life.

And why SHOULDN'T the father be at the birth?! It's his baby too.

CandaceMariePratt · 01/08/2018 14:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Duskqueen · 01/08/2018 14:35

I think it is a tricky one as a father has a right to see the baby in its first moments, but the woman is in a very vaulnarable position when in labour and has the right to pick who is there whilst she is in that position. If the father is an ex and the mother doesn't want him there, he should accept that for the babies sake and say well I will wait in the waiting room while you give birth, but I would like to see the baby as soon as you are cleaned up and ready as it is my baby too.
When I had my first I only wanted my husband there, but my MIL took us to the hospital and stayed, I didn't feel I could say piss off, it turned out that she was a god send being there as the midwife tried to send me home at 12 and she was born at 5:25 and it was a 30 minute drive to the hospital, so wouldn't have made it back in time, plus I had gestational diabetes so was supposed to be in hospital to be monitored throughout, she wouldn't listen to me or my DH as we were first time parents, but they listened to her when she said no she is staying. She was such a help that I asked her to be present again when I had my second.

Lindalee3 · 01/08/2018 14:37

And this is not about 'oh poor men!' I think it's ludicrous that anyone should think a woman should be able to stop the father of THEIR child being at the birth!

Unless there is a very good reason - abuse/relationship breakdown/him cheating on her while she was pregnant, there is no justification for not allowing the father at the birth of his child.

Lindalee3 · 01/08/2018 14:38

I think many women are socialised to put men first even while in labour.

What utter rot.

Lindalee3 · 01/08/2018 14:38

Most women WANT the father at the birth. How odd to refuse him access for no good reason.

bobsandvagene · 01/08/2018 14:40

I find on Mumsnet posters generally hold the same vjewpoint as you. I have definitely seen other online discussions though where many people passionately feel that a father should have the 'right' to attend a birth.

Thankfully the law does not support that and a woman has full rights over who is present.

I also despise the argument of 'well she didn't mind having sex with him'
Sex is COMPLETELY different, you cannot compare the two.

Also saying it's a fathers right also assumes birthing partners are there for their own benefit, to 'see the baby be born' like it's a sodding spectator sport or something. They're there to enhance the woman's experience by supporting her.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/08/2018 14:41

And this is not about 'oh poor men!' I think it's ludicrous that anyone should think a woman should be able to stop the father of THEIR child being at the birth!

The woman is the patient undergoing a medical procedure. It is ABSOLUTELY the right of the patient to decide who she wants present during the medical procedure (other than medics).

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/08/2018 14:42

On MN it is usually more the case that the father should be forced to be there whether or not he wants to be!

You must be reading different threads from the ones read as I've never seen any comment like that.*

No, I've seen those ones too. Plenty of them.
Most posts are the mum complaining that her DH won't come to the scans and doesn't want to come to the birth, and MN posters generally tell mum that DH should be there and should be supportive.

bobsandvagene · 01/08/2018 14:43

I also found during my births that my DH was encouraged by staff to stand down at my feet during the pushing stage 'to watch the baby come up' without actually asking me if I was comfortable with that

RomanyRoots · 01/08/2018 14:45

It's up to the woman giving birth what she wants to happen and who she wants there.
It's sad that some people are pressurised into having people they feel uncomfortable with, this isn't fair at all and they need to stand up for themselves and say so.
My dh was with me every time, I couldn't have kept him away, it's his child too.
If he was my ex though, no way would he or any of his family have been at the hospital with my blessing, let alone the labour room.

Maybe we should go back to having fathers pacing the corridors with a cigar.

Lindalee3 · 01/08/2018 14:48

@ButchyrestingFace

The woman is the patient undergoing a medical procedure. It is ABSOLUTELY the right of the patient to decide who she wants present during the medical procedure (other than medics).

The really scary thing about THIS ^ is that you are being serious aren't you?

FGS! You are saying a woman about to give birth, should be allowed to say even the FATHER of the baby cannot attend the birth, because she is 'undergoing a medical procedure.'

Never heard such histrionic garbage in my life.

Thank God the vast majority of women do not have this bizarre and worrying view.

In fact, no-one is real life does. Only on the parallel universe of mumsnet would anyone come out with a hilarious corker like you have come out with.

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