To be disturbed people think fathers rights are priority during a womans labour?

[Littlefluffyclouds0]

I’ve seen the discussion pop up loads recently, and I’ve been totally shocked by how many people (especially mothers) genuinely believe that a woman should not have the right to choose who is there witnessing her labour. So just wondering how common this view is, as I feel quite strongly she should have EVERY right.

Mainly regarding the fathers rights - I’ve seen so many people passionately defending the right of the father to ‘experience’ the woman’s labour and her birthing their child. With absolutely no regard for the woman’s wellbeing, the fact stress hormones can stall labour and make it much more painful, the fact there could be complications and the fact that she is in labour and should be treated with as much consideration and respect as possible. But according to many, the fathers rights to be a spectator to her labour come before everything else.

It also seems an argument which gets brought up is the fact she has had sex with him previously and therefore lost the right to have a say over her body anymore. Which I find quite a disgusting viewpoint too - often said in a graphic way by the person using that as a point..

I feel like it’s worth a mention that I have no personal bias - I very much wanted my ex at the birth and felt completely comfortable with it. But the thought that there are many who would have forced me to have him there against my wishes is really disturbing to me.

Obviously this is totally not related to once the child is born - but the labour and birth itself.

AIBU to think it should be the labouring women’s choice who she has with her during the birth, or should fathers have the ‘right’ to be there regardless of the woman’s wishes?

Not wanting the father present is a good reason. There aren't any ifs or shades of grey, though the flipside to this is of course that a woman can't force someone to be present either.

Some of you seem not to understand the potential impact on a labour if a woman doesn't feel safe and comfortable.

bobs

I think it's your responsibility to discuss where you wanted your dh to be during the birth, perhaps some weeks before the birth would have been good.
Why the responsibility of medical staff to ask you, they may presume you communicate with your dh.

My husband was present at the birth of both our children, but if I'm honest it was mostly for his benefit so that he could be present at birth.
He gets pretty tense at hospitals due to past experiences and Tbh he was not very helpful so in the sense of having someone there to support I would probably have been better of choosing someone else.

What I mean is that even within a good relationship there may be reasons not to want someone there, for instance if they are the sort of person who gets too anxious or stressed instead of being a reassuring presence.

Lindalee
You are spouting misogynistic drivel. A woman has every right not to have her husband/partner/ the father present. She is the patient. Not the father.

The really scary thing about THIS ^ is that you are being serious aren't you?

Absolutely. The mother is the patient. The mother gets the casting vote on who attends the birth. Thankfully, we are not living in Iran and I am confident the law/attending doctors would back her up if she decided, for whatever reason, she didn't want anyone else present.

FGS! You are saying a woman about to give birth, should be allowed to say even the FATHER of the baby cannot attend the birth, because she is 'undergoing a medical procedure.'

Of course. The mother is the person giving birth, not the father. I also believe - brace yourself here - that women should have the right to choose to terminate a pregnancy, irrespective of how the would-be father feels about the matter.

And why SHOULDN'T the father be at the birth?! It's his baby too

His baby too yes. But it’s not his labour, it’s not his exposed body, it’s not him in pain, it’s not him feeling vulnerable, it’s not himself risking his health and life. Do you not believe in consent? Do you not believe a woman has a say in who is able to see her in that state?

FGS! You are saying a woman about to give birth, should be allowed to say even the FATHER of the baby cannot attend the birth, because she is 'undergoing a medical procedure

So, alternatively, literally any man can turn up at a maternity suite and say he’s the father being born in cubicle 2 and then be allowed in to watch said woman give birth and she will have to put up with that? If he says he’s the father and she says he is not, who ‘wins’?

I think a lot of focus is put on being there at the birth when actually sometimes births aren’t a magical amazing thing, they can be completely terrifying and leave parents feeling quite traumatised. I was under general anaesthetic during my child’s birth and my DH wasn’t allowed in the theatre; I met my baby several hours later and DH met our baby straight away; neither of us feel that we lost anything by how our baby was born and that we weren’t there/conscious at the time of the birth and equally I have never cared that he met our baby first. Instead we each consider that when we each met and held our baby to be the special time.

There are so many men who care more about their 'rights' than about their responsibilities. Lindalee I hope you're as passionately in favour of men paying child maintenance.

I bet you're not though, you seem like a F4J type

Over 30 years ago, I witnessed a father's rights being put above those of his wife. I suspect it was because he was famous. It still makes me seethe thinking about it. Unfortunately in those days, ît just wasn't possible to stand up to senior - particularly medical - staff if you witnessed something you disagreed with. Sadly.

Erm, that was supposed to be strike through not bold

Calm down Linda!
Ultimately , the decision as to who is in the delivery room should rest with the mother.

Most women are happy for the Dad to be there but if a woman, for any reason she chooses, doesn’t want him there then she shouldn’t be forced to. It’s only humane.

I've not seen that much of this attitude on Mumsnet but I have seen a few of those "if your DM is getting to come to the birth, your MIL has the right to as well." WTF? I'm not bloody Alton Towers am I?

DH and I were actually made to feel guilty at an ante-natal class because we'd agreed that DH wouldn't be in the room during DD's birth! He's hopeless around blood and there was a fair chance he'd pass out so I (not him) thought it best he stayed outside.

The midwife leading the class was quite rude, referring to "his problem" and basically labeling him a coward - she was nasty!

As it happened, he did end up staying in the room, sitting on a chair near my head so he didn't see the gory bits. For DS's birth, he was asked to hold one of my legs for the final pushes, although he didn't look between them. Seeing his newborn children made him forget about the gore, he was brilliant!

I find some of the opinions on here quite terrifying actually.
I assume the people on her saying the father has a “right” to witness the birth may have actually given birth themselves?! It’s bad enough having to push/scream/poo/bleed in front of the medical staff. There’s NO FUCKING WAY a woman should be forced to labour in front of anyone they’re not comfortable with.
This is not the Handmaid’s Fucking Tale. I really think I’ve read it all now.

I had discussed that with my exH, but he was yanked by the arm and dragged down to the business end by one of the 12 staff in the theatre, during an instrumental birth.

Exactly the same here! Forceps in theatre. I even said to DH as he arrived in the room in his scrubs to 'please stay up this end with me' which he agreed to. Then as I was being directed to push one of the many staff members pretty much grabbed his arm and instructed him to come down to the business to see the baby come out, without really giving him a chance or choice to decline, let alone asking whether it was okay with me. It may seem like a trivial issue to some but it was literally the last shred of control and choice I had over the delivery and it was taken away from me. It also made me feel like an exhibition or something.

Unless there is a very good reason - abuse/relationship breakdown/him cheating on her while she was pregnant, there is no justification for not allowing the father at the birth of his child.

@Lindalee3 what absolute bollocks. She doesn't need to justify shit.

Her body, her procedure, her consent only should be required.

Of course lots of people want their partners there, but for the ones that don't whether they are still happily together or not the decision is 100% up to the patient. Ie Mum and so it bloody well should be.

It's up to you who is present at your child's birth but I haven't come across anyone saying otherwise.

Quite glad Lindalee has turned up and demonstrated exactly the aggressive, insensitive, misogynistic views I was referring to in my OP! Worrying.

Relieved to see the consensus says otherwise though.

Lindalee you are talking absolute bollocks and luckily the law disagrees with you too.

I also don't agree with those saying fathers should have a 'right' to see the baby as soon as it's born either. I can imagine it being pretty stressful for a labouring woman to know that her ex is pacing around in a waiting room nearby waiting for her to finish and get cleaned up. Women are still entitled to privacy even in the aftermath of childbirth. One of the consequences of not being on good terms with the mother of your child might be that you have to wait a few days to meet your baby.

Lindalee3

You've never heard of any of this in real life? Really? My ex wanted to be present at the birth of our dd, fortunately the hospital where she was born didn't allow any outsiders to be present, because frankly it would have been horrible for me.

It is not a show and fathers have been bonding with babies they didn't see being born for thousands of years.

Lindalee3

The scary thing is that anyone would think what you think.

That might be your experience, Rebecca36, but we were strongly encouraged to have partners present at the birth, whether Mum wanted it or not. It seemed to be "weird" if you didn't want them there witnessing everything.

Mind you, this is in the USA and people can be v. judgmental here!