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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropping by and unlocked doors

126 replies

DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 08:48

My parents are fans of the approach of “if we are home the front door is unlocked and you can/should just drop by without notice or even necessarily knocking.” My DH is really really not a fan of this approach especially as he works from home and we currently have a baby. Despite having been brought up by my parents, I always tell them when I am coming by and always ring the door bell before trying it. Anywhere else I would notify and ring and wait.

(There’s also a host of other boundary issues with my parents which I have discussed here before and I am currently seeing a therapist to work on protecting myself, my marriage and DD from their lack of boundaries and my tendencies to be terrified of crossing them. )

Anyway the door thing all came to a head yesterday when they turned up unannounced, rang the door bell and came straight in bellowing greetings. My teething DD had literally been asleep ten minutes and burst into tears and they were furious when I greeted them by telling them to shut up. I tried shhh but they couldn’t hear me over the noise they were making. DH says from now on door is locked when I am home to prevent this. They will be furious.

Anyway I want to know what other people’s expectations are. Is the door always unlocked and open to surprise visits by family or is it all an arranged in advance thing. is DH being U or are my parents?

OP posts:
TyrionsNextWife · 01/08/2018 08:51

My doors always locked and people can ring the bell. Apart from people letting themselves in at inconvenient times, there’s the security aspect to think about - most thefts of modern cars occur after the thief has tried the door, found it unlocked and been able to grab a set of keys or handbag.

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 01/08/2018 08:53

Your parents are being completely unreasonable. It’s YOUR home, your place of quiet refuge not theirs.

I’d lisp the door locked and place a sign on the door saying “please don’t ring the doorbell or knock loudly as baby sleeping” (irrespective of baby sleeping or not). I’m a very private person so I’d take it a stage further and not answer the door unless a visit had been prearranged.

Your home, your rules.

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 08:54

A good point! I think we have been complacent cos we live on a quiet road and usually when it’s left unlocked I am on the ground floor with the baby.

OP posts:
ShinyPinkLipgloss · 01/08/2018 08:54

Keep* the door locked (typo)

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 08:55

So tempting snikypink. The time before this, they turned up without warning five minutes into an afternoon tea DH Had done as a Sunday pm treat - fondant fancies from the shop, nice tea and sarnies on plates.

OP posts:
ShinyPinkLipgloss · 01/08/2018 08:56

Do it! They’ll soon get the message!

CurbsideProphet · 01/08/2018 08:56

My front door is always locked. I don't want people wondering into my house unannounced, whether I know them or not Confused

Sirzy · 01/08/2018 08:57

It doesn’t sound like you had actually discussed it with them?

My front door is Yale lock so by it’s very nature is always locked thankfully! The only place I would let myself in was somewhere I have been explicitly told to do so (had keys for my grandparents so would let myself in their st there request, same st my partners)

user1493413286 · 01/08/2018 08:59

I’d keep my door locked for safety reasons anyway and once your baby becomes a curious toddler even more so but if your parents won’t listen to you then I think locking the door sends a clear message. If they are angry that’s their problem and you just need to say that you’ve asked them not to walk right in and this is the consequence of that.
We asked my pil to let us know when they’re coming over rather than just turn up so someone just coming through the door would drive me crazy

NeepNeepNeep · 01/08/2018 08:59

Oh dear OP, have you heard about that spate of day time burglaries and bogus callers in your area? Everyone is being advised to keep their doors locked even when they are in.

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 09:01

Sirzy, yes and no. We have previously said please let us know before you come around, in fact many times, to which the answer is always “don’t be silly, we are family”. Yesterday I should have said something but I was too upset about hysterical teething baby and thought bellowing “just fuck off” which was what I was thinking would have been rude, unacceptable and highly U!

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 01/08/2018 09:02

Mine is always locked as my two year old would be out of it if he had the chance. Keep it locked, they will soon learn. Even if they are furious, that's their problem! I've had to train my parents to give me a time when they are coming and not rock up 1 hour early, esp when I've been on nights! They don't like it, but that's the way it is

InDubiousBattle · 01/08/2018 09:02

Of course you should lock your door. My family will just walk in when they arrive but they text or ring first. They would definitely not be 'furious' to find my door to my home locked. That's very controlling op. You sound frightened of them. Say they arrive unannounced, find the door locked and are furious, I can see why this might be upsetting but you would be so far in the right it really shouldn't worry you.

CherryPavlova · 01/08/2018 09:03

Lock your door if you must.
A pity to be so cross with grandparents about such a small issue though. You’ll undoubtedly want their support at some point and it works both ways.
We very rarely lock doors (or shut windows in summer) unless away overnight. Our parents are too far away to pop around but I can’t imag any of the children ever knocking and they turn up whether we’re in or out. One of the boyfriends has to knock at his mothers house and I find that very odd.
Friends and neighbours usually just call as they come in too, most wouldn’t ring the bell. Its nice to come in from the garden or my office to find the kettle on and have an excuse for a chat. I do same to friends and neighbours- although friends from town are more likely to have a locked door.
Only tradesmen ring around here.

Clairetree1 · 01/08/2018 09:04

My door is always locked, and we don't have a bell, I am happy for people to knock on the door, but I have noticed recently that this has fallen out of practice, there is now a tendancy, even for expected friends, to stand a little way away from our garden and ring on their mobile to let us know they are here

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 09:05

InDubiousBattle. Yeah there are other issues around how controlling they can be which I am finally starting to sanity check, hence therapy and also hence posting on here. It’s enlightening and reassuring to get a sample of other people’s norm. Mine seems quite off.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 09:06

Thanks Cherry for your perspective. Out of interest do you live somewhere quite rural? Does sound rather idyllic.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 01/08/2018 09:08

Op

My Parents do this and it drives my otherwise horizontal DP mad.

I cannot stand it either. He will run and lock door prior to arrival but they have been known to literally appear in hallway

AreWeDoingThisNow · 01/08/2018 09:09

Our door it always locked (Yale). PIL have keys and let themselves in BUT they don't tend to pop in unannounced, that would annoy me. We let ourselves in at theirs too (again, not unannounced).

Jozxyqk · 01/08/2018 09:11

We used to be a door unlocked family. That changed within a couple of weeks of DD's birth. PILs came in one day - the pram was by the door & they tried to force their way past it, buckling the frame. We started locking the door that day. Next time, they stood in the street & hooted the horn, shouted, & phoned us on both mobiles & our landline for about 30 minutes. Neighbours were staring... We wanted some bloody peace as I was still dealing with a traumatic birth, DD had kept us up all night & had just gone to sleep & MIL is one of the loudest people on the planet. They eventually left.

Seeline · 01/08/2018 09:14

Ours is always locked too - yale so no option.

Perhaps you could up your security and fit one?

You will have to lock the door as your little one gets older or else she will escape - frequently.

Both DH and I have keys to our parents houses, and both Mums have keys to ours, but would never use them just to let themselves in. Bells are always rung. Keys are for emergencies only (or filling the fridge when someone has been on holiday!).

Sunshineface123 · 01/08/2018 09:16

Our door automatically locks so not really the same but PILs have a key, they would never turn up unannounced or just let themselves in though. I think that's really rude! What if you were having a shower or sex?!

Lazypuppy · 01/08/2018 09:21

Completely normal in our family to walk in to each other's house shouting hello.

If doors are locked, no big deal we jist knock.

Sometimes we know people are coming round, other times we don't

mavydoes · 01/08/2018 09:21

PIL house door is always open but they have an alarm entrance so it beeps when door opened. We don't so with a toddler we keep door locked but when FIL comes round he looks through window and it's not the first time I've had a neighbour run across to him and shout 'get away from there you dirty old perv cause they knew I just had a baby and didn't know it was FIL 🤣🤣

I lock my doors for safety, you do same and the relief when they can't get in is brilliant.

Your house, your rules - they abide or don't get in.

4GreenApples · 01/08/2018 09:21

My front door is always locked unless I’m doing something in the front garden.

Partly because of the DC. If the door was left unlocked, they could easily let themselves out and potentially wander off or into the roads. DS3 is 20 months, and he demonstrated that he knows how door handles work several months ago. He also knows how to drag objects around to make improvised steps.

Partly general security. I know people who’ve had stuff stolen by opportunistic thieves who’ve popped in and out through unlocked doors. It’d be difficult getting an insurance company to pay out if the thief got in through an unlocked front door.

And also, I don’t want people barging in on me without warning. Although given your parents attitude, I’d stick with talking about child safety and crime prevention if you feel the need to justify locking doors.

If my parents/PILs drop by, they have to ring the doorbell and wait for us to open the door. They’re fine with this.