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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dropping by and unlocked doors

126 replies

DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 08:48

My parents are fans of the approach of “if we are home the front door is unlocked and you can/should just drop by without notice or even necessarily knocking.” My DH is really really not a fan of this approach especially as he works from home and we currently have a baby. Despite having been brought up by my parents, I always tell them when I am coming by and always ring the door bell before trying it. Anywhere else I would notify and ring and wait.

(There’s also a host of other boundary issues with my parents which I have discussed here before and I am currently seeing a therapist to work on protecting myself, my marriage and DD from their lack of boundaries and my tendencies to be terrified of crossing them. )

Anyway the door thing all came to a head yesterday when they turned up unannounced, rang the door bell and came straight in bellowing greetings. My teething DD had literally been asleep ten minutes and burst into tears and they were furious when I greeted them by telling them to shut up. I tried shhh but they couldn’t hear me over the noise they were making. DH says from now on door is locked when I am home to prevent this. They will be furious.

Anyway I want to know what other people’s expectations are. Is the door always unlocked and open to surprise visits by family or is it all an arranged in advance thing. is DH being U or are my parents?

OP posts:
Member745520 · 01/08/2018 10:21

OP I was just going to offer that as you've left 'home' and set up your own family unit, then the parents should respect any boundaries you feel appropriate to set. But I see things have gone further concerning attempts to keep you under their control, and wrt breast feeding you might find the following ongoing thread helpful! Flowers

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3322530-How-to-I-defend-BF-an-older-baby-to-ILS?pg=1

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 10:22

Lock your door, always. If you have a bell take it off.

4GreenApples · 01/08/2018 10:23

The other one at the moment is they think I am bfing too long and it is giving DD separation anxiety. She’s 8 months

Separation anxiety is very common. It’s a normal developmental thing for babies and toddlers to go through, most babies / toddlers have this at some point, and there’s nothing unusual about an 8 month old baby to be showing signs of separation anxiety. It has got absolutely nothing to do with breastfeeding.

catlady34 · 01/08/2018 10:23

Why would you keep your door unlocked anyway? I really don't understand that.

courderoy · 01/08/2018 10:39

My MIL has a key and just lets herself in. She has the key as she occasionally babysits / checks on the house / has one for emergencies. I love her for babysitting etc, I hate the fact she just lets herself into my house!

Billben · 01/08/2018 10:41

Why on earth is your door unlocked? Any weirdo can come in and murder you all!

And your parents are bang out of order.

Guest2025 · 01/08/2018 10:58

Lock the door? I'm hearing TOO MANY stories of criminals entering homes left unlocked during the day.

Hygge · 01/08/2018 11:07

They have no right to be furious because you've locked your own front door.

They sound like controlling and stressful people.

Start keeping the door locked and do not give them a key, otherwise the problem will just continue as they will use the key to let themselves in.

If you really can't take the confrontation tell them that you've had a lot of opportunity burglaries in the area and have been advised to step up your security, and your home insurance is invalid if you give anybody else a key.

If you do feel able to have a more direct conversation tell them that with a baby in the house and your husband working from home, you need to be a bit more structured about visits so they're going to have to text first so visits don't clash with nap times or work commitments.

Ask them to text rather than call as the phone ringing might wake the baby as easily as knocking on the door. Really though, texting gives you more control about when you reply and it's easier to say no in a text than on the phone.

I've been there with relatives who think they can just drop by, sometimes several times a day, and it's caused a lot of problems in the family. They are very offended if the person they are dropping in on doesn't immediately stop what they are doing, cancel all plans, and "make them welcome."

"You don't make us welcome" is a sentence that I still shudder from. Basically it translates to "we want to use your house as if it were our house whenever we feel like it, and we expect you to be delighted about it" and it's so stressful to live like that.

I can remember one episode of actual crying and sobbing because they'd been to another relatives house and they were told they couldn't stay as that relative was going shopping.

The fact that that relative works shifts, has a partner who works shifts, has a family to care for, has a strict routine for necessity, and just couldn't postpone shopping to another day in favour of entertaining unexpected visitors just didn't come into their thinking.

It was just tears and offence taken and the rest of the family being informed about how awful the other relative is for not making them welcome.

Anyway, not to derail too far there but I do know how hard it can be to say no to people, especially when it's family, but just because they are relatives it doesn't mean that your house is an extension of their house or that you have to do everything they did or still do. You're not doing anything wrong by locking your door or asking them to call and check if it's convenient to visit.

Do NOT under any circumstances just ask them to call before they visit. If you say that they will ring you from the doorstep or ring you and say "we're coming over."

What you need is them asking "may we come over?" not telling you that they are.

BarbedBloom · 01/08/2018 11:10

Ours is always locked since a friend left her unlocked and someone walked in and stole her handbag while she was upstairs. First she knew of it was when they drove off in her car.

My family doesn’t drop in unannounced, but I think in your case OP this is step one in putting in some proper boundaries. Present it as a security issue if that helps.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/08/2018 11:12

My MIL has a key and just lets herself in. She has the key as she occasionally babysits / checks on the house / has one for emergencies. I love her for babysitting etc, I hate the fact she just lets herself into my house

I would hate that. So intrusive.. I have a key for DS/DILs house but would never use it when they're in. Have you asked her to knock first?

HandbagCrazy · 01/08/2018 11:17

My family tend to let each other know what time (roughly we will be arriving) then knock as you're opening the door and letting yourself in.
My dm and sister don't even do this, they just turn up unannounced and walk in but I hated this as I felt I couldn't just lounge around in pjs if I wanted to. Told parents and sister to let me know when they're coming - problem solved.

Should say we're also big advocates of helping yourself to drinks in each others houses, and me and sister will also help ourselves to biscuits etc if we want any as dm insists we still treat it like Home, but we wouldn't do that in each others houses Confused

DHs family expect to be told when you'll be arriving and they come outside to greet you. They live quite far away (2 hours for FIL, 3 for SIL and 5 for MIL). I think they're so excited to see him they all stand outside when we're due to arrive so they're there waving as we park up!

For you, I would 100% back up your husband. Lock doors and simply say you want them to let you know when they're coming in future. Sure they'll kick off for a while in the hope you'll give in but if you remain resolute and don't change your stance at all, what else can they do?

mindutopia · 01/08/2018 12:14

Our door is always unlocked if we are home (we don’t even lock it at night), but no one we know would ever dream of just barging on in unless we asked them to to save one of us having to get up.

My ILs equally never lock their door and we always just walk in there without knocking (only on pre-arranged visits though, never just pop over), but they would never do that at our house. Either way if it makes your dh uncomfortable and is affecting your baby, you need to tell them to stop/lock the door. It’s their house too and it sounds like your dh at least needs different boundaries than you, which is totally valid and you have to respect that.

Isleepinahedgefund · 01/08/2018 12:21

I have a yale lock and a mortice lock - not only do I have to keep the door double locked to keep my family from just walking in, I have to leave the key in the mortice lock keyhole to stop them from using the spare keys to just let themselves in! They’re also very cross about me doing this. Lots of issues with boundaries......

happymummy12345 · 01/08/2018 12:21

No one should just wander in. Our door automatically locks when closed anyway, but even if it didn't, I would not expect anyone who doesn't live there to just let themselves in.
Sometimes my dad stays and will pop to the shop or take my toddler out. He will say should he take keys to save ringing the bell, especially if I'm busy. But he would never just take them without asking.

happymummy12345 · 01/08/2018 12:24

My aunt used to do this at my mum and stepdads house. She had a spare key for emergencies only (if someone was locked out or lost a key, or if she had to get the children in an emergency). She was told not to use it on a daily basis. However every time she came to visit she would let herself in. I found it very rude.

dustarr73 · 01/08/2018 12:37

I wouldnt be able to for this.Opening the door and letting themselves in.

Lock the door,tell them not to come before a certain time.Or just go out to meet them,then you can leave anytime

longwayoff · 01/08/2018 12:42

I dont know where you live but ground floor with baby, door always unlocked? If I was your mum we'd be falling out over it not being locked. Please keep yourself safe.

MonoClue · 01/08/2018 12:53

My ex MIL had her own key that she’d copied when she’d (very kindly and much appreciated) stayed in our house to take delivery of our fridge freezer for us.
She used to let herself in every week on her way back from doing her shopping for a cup of tea.
However, we didn’t know for months this was happening as we were both at work!
I had a day off and gave her and her friend (!) the shock of their lives when they walked into the kitchen and I was home.
She was really put out when I stood with my hand outstretched for the key back as “they were hers, she’d paid for them”.

DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 12:55

I think the door not locking sprang from moving from London to someone less crime-y, not having a door that locked automatically and all the baby stuff. Plus growing up with parents who only locked the door when we were out or asleep. DH is already taking a stand re door is now locked at all times and you guys offer many good reasons. Parents do have a spare key. Don’t know if they would try it though

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 01/08/2018 12:59

I thought everyone locked the door.

bellinisurge · 01/08/2018 13:08

My in laws were fans of this. I told them that my dd doesn't come to their house if they don't keep the front door locked when she is there. After several polite attempts to get them to do it.
They do it now.

alittlepieceofme · 01/08/2018 13:09

I now leave my key in the front door so my dad can't let himself in! For months he would still try his key first before knocking! Only now I am beginning to see how controlling he actually is!

mrsoutnumbered · 01/08/2018 13:14

I always lock the doors, and if someone knocks on the door and I'm not expecting a visitor or a delivery, I ignore it!

My friends used to laugh at me for locking doors, until one of them woke up to a stranger in her bedroom robbing her.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/08/2018 13:18

Get the spare key back from them DrowsyDragon - it will save a different argument from happening if you don't get it back.
Tell a fib if you have to about the key snapping off in the lock and you've had to replace the lock. Or even better, just replace the lock and don't tell them you've changed it. They can be happy in the thoughts that they still have a key to your house but they have an old key.
I would get a sign and put it on the front door saying "Don't knock or ring the doorbell please - teething baby is sleeping" and in a few months time update it to "Don't knock or ring the doorbell - baby sleeping". More people will respond kindly to the 'teething baby' bit and by the time you've trained them not to knock, the sign can be updated.

Member745520 · 01/08/2018 13:30

Parents do have a spare key. Don’t know if they would try it though

Not sure if this works for all keys but if you leave yours in the lock and it can be pushed through by a key from the outside so 'they' can get in, just turn yours half way round and it can't be pushed out. Might have disadvantages in an emergency though!