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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropping by and unlocked doors

126 replies

DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 08:48

My parents are fans of the approach of “if we are home the front door is unlocked and you can/should just drop by without notice or even necessarily knocking.” My DH is really really not a fan of this approach especially as he works from home and we currently have a baby. Despite having been brought up by my parents, I always tell them when I am coming by and always ring the door bell before trying it. Anywhere else I would notify and ring and wait.

(There’s also a host of other boundary issues with my parents which I have discussed here before and I am currently seeing a therapist to work on protecting myself, my marriage and DD from their lack of boundaries and my tendencies to be terrified of crossing them. )

Anyway the door thing all came to a head yesterday when they turned up unannounced, rang the door bell and came straight in bellowing greetings. My teething DD had literally been asleep ten minutes and burst into tears and they were furious when I greeted them by telling them to shut up. I tried shhh but they couldn’t hear me over the noise they were making. DH says from now on door is locked when I am home to prevent this. They will be furious.

Anyway I want to know what other people’s expectations are. Is the door always unlocked and open to surprise visits by family or is it all an arranged in advance thing. is DH being U or are my parents?

OP posts:
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 01/08/2018 09:23

These threads irritate the crap out of me. You always get a multitude of posters piling in going "But they're your parents! How can you be so rude as to lock the door so they can't walk in unannounced? I never lock my door even when I go out!"

Our front door is always firmly locked and family don't tend to drop by unannounced. My mum used to arrive, park up outside and ring me to demand I go outside to talk to her, and always at teatime Confused I had to put a stop to it after she turned up like this when I was very heavily pregnant (overdue!) and having a quick sit down before starting the tea. By the way she acted when I told her no, you'd have been forgiven for thinking my crime was kicking a puppy Hmm

My MIL arrives unannounced (to me) and when I grumble about it to DH he's like "No, she told me she was coming!" FFS why not tell me that then??

Starlings27 · 01/08/2018 09:23

Ours is always locked. We used to leave the door unlocked when I was growing up, until someone walked in and stole the car keys (and the car).

Lalliella · 01/08/2018 09:23

Gosh OP you could be on the loo and someone could sneak in and snatch your baby. I know it’s not very likely but keeping your door unlocked is a massively security risk. Never mind them being cross, it’s your house not theirs.

Quangot · 01/08/2018 09:24

You're totally in charge of your own house rules. They get to choose their own setup, not yours. I'd hate to have people coming in unannounced.

Beamur · 01/08/2018 09:24

If your parents kick off, tell them you've heard there have been some walk in thefts locally and will be keeping the door locked in future. The sign about not knocking is a good idea too.
I feel your pain though, we tend to keep our front door unlocked and the worst culprit for just walking in was DH's ex wife when she collected or dropped off the SC's. I had many years of gritted teeth over that.

VickieCherry · 01/08/2018 09:28

Our door is always locked (it locks when shut), in-laws and friends always let us know first if they're coming over. If someone let themselves in without my telling them they could I would be horrified.

I have a key to my parents' house, but I always ring the doorbell. I haven't lived there in 15 years, it's their house not mine!

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 09:28

My front door locks automatically. I once had a student house where the door had to be locked specifically and we always did this (leaving the key in the lock in case of fire) as a security measure. Even if the door hadn't been locked even my closest family would have knocked and waited for me to let them in.

Your parents have no rational reason to object to the door being locked, it's completely normal and any sensible person wouldn't expect to let themselves in to (even their child's) home.

Bluelady · 01/08/2018 09:29

My parents always used to knock, no choice really as the front door's a Yale. . I never did when I visited them, just walked through the back door, which was always open in the summer.

Verbena87 · 01/08/2018 09:30

Ours used to be mainly unlocked, but now baby is cruising and can pull up and reach the door handle it has to be locked so he can’t open it and topple down the step.

Nobody should expect to just be welcomed in at any time, that’s not respectful.

BlueberryPud · 01/08/2018 09:31

My family and one or two neighbours generally open the door and shout hello, and wait for a response before walking in. I don't really mind that.
In this recent hot weather though, I've been keeping the door locked as dh has taken to walking about in just his shreddies. I wouldn't want to subject my family to such a sight. Nor his, tbh.

brizzledrizzle · 01/08/2018 09:33

I would never know if the door was locked or not - I always knock if it's an unexpected visit. The only place we go in is at a specific relatives when we open the door and shout hello loudly as she's deaf and won't hear the door. That's only when she knows we are coming though.

adreamofspring · 01/08/2018 09:35

I feel for you OP my in-laws did this when
my baby was little. The difference there was that they felt terrible for waking DC up so didn't do it again. Although they still turn up unannounced but we're working on that. The key thing here - before this thread descends into the poppers versus the non-poppers (a polarised bunch) is that they showed no remorse. If they got angry because you had to tell them to stop their yelling that sounds very one sided and that to them 'we're family' means that they can do whatever they like and shouldn't be challenged. To me family means give and take. If they really would be angry at the simple thought of you locking your door then it's because they feel like they own you and you aren't an independent human.

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 09:40

adreamofspring I think you hit on a lot of the issue. Anything I do which is not how they do it/what they would have done causes a drama and a fuss which is very draining. The other one at the moment is they think I am bfing too long and it is giving DD separation anxiety. She’s 8 months and gets three “meals” plus at least on bottle of formula a day with the rest breast. As I mentioned, am definitely working through “being allowed” my own take on things rather than theirs so just hearing a mumsnet range of views is so helpful.

OP posts:
Juells · 01/08/2018 09:47

Keep your door locked and with the key in the lock inside.

adaline · 01/08/2018 09:48

Ours locks automatically so we have no choice but I couldn't bear for people to just walk in on me in the house. We leave our back door unlocked as it's easier to let the dog out that way, but people have to get through our locked back gate to get there, and we always lock it when we go out.

I'm a very private person and have been known to ignore the door if I'm not expecting anyone. DP on the other hands answers all the time and always gets caught in conversation with chuggers, Jehovah's Witnesses or whatever because he's too polite to say he's not interested! His parents leave their door unlocked if they're in and he just walks in but I always knock even though his mum insists I don't have to.

InDubiousBattle · 01/08/2018 09:52

Feel free to tell me to mind my own business op but did your parents make a big financial contribution to your house/wedding/whatever? I ask because friends of mine that have this same issue have had a lot of financial help and it's made their parents feel somewhat entitled to coma and go as they please.

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 09:58

inDubiousBattle. Yes they did. DM was left a large sum of money by a relative to pay off her mortgage but they had already done so. DM had also recently had a very large settlement with her then employer over their mistreatment of her so she passed the inheritance to me as a deposit. Though we did consult with the relative whose money it was originally. They were very happy with that but felt too ill to want to make changes to the will.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 09:58

Mind you, that was also our previous home, not the current one.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 09:59

(Keep having extra thoughts.) it was also a one off but a big one off. All decorating, maintenance and upkeep is paid for exclusively by us.

OP posts:
ProfessorMoody · 01/08/2018 10:04

My door is always locked and key in the keyhole so no one could let themselves in. If the doorbell goes and I don't have a prearranged visit, it doesn't get answered.

My parents are pretty good, they'll always give notice first but once a (twat of a) neighbour dropped in without notice and rang my phone to see why I wasn't answering. Get the hint, ffs.

kimber83 · 01/08/2018 10:05

Urgh if I was your DH I could never relax - what if you're wandering around half naked out of the shower? Or being intimate? Or already doing something really important like expecting other visitors, or going out?

I would feel like what should be a sanctuary wasn't respected (and I get on well with parents and in laws).

BrioLover · 01/08/2018 10:09

"Oh don't be silly, we're family!" AngryConfused

Uhm, yes but as they don't live there they don't get to choose when they walk through the door bellowing.

I love round the corner from my dad. He keeps our keys on him as part of his set of keys and I do the same, but still never use them when the other one is home! They are for emergencies or feeding pets when on holiday. And he paid for a huge chunk of the deposit on my house - I would not have been able to afford to buy without him. But it's not his house or home and we are respectful of each other's boundaries.

Heck, he's even stopped using the doorbell since I had DS2 in case he's napping!

starfishmummy · 01/08/2018 10:13

Door always locked here.

The in laws don't lock theirs at all.

The layout of their house is such that people can get in and upstairs without being heard, also into the living room of pils are in the kitchen or garden. Mil has found the postie has been in and left parcels and they've been burgled....still leave it unlocked!!

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2018 10:18

A pity to be so cross with grandparents about such a small issue though. You’ll undoubtedly want their support at some point and it works both ways.

Bollocks. It’s not a small issue.

We have unlocked doors and family still knocks if I’m not expecting them.

And as a grandparent I would never behave like that

VickyEadie · 01/08/2018 10:20

Everyone, everywhere - always lock your doors. Here's why.

Example 1: my friend's mum and partner lived in the heart of the countryside, absolutely idyllic, never locked their door. One day, masked men burst in, tied them up (after giving them a good beating first) and robbed them. Partner was never the same again, it damaged him physically and mentally.

Example 2: my brother lives in a lovely area and in a nice cul de sac. He'd picked up his toddler from nursery and she was desperate for the toilet, so he parked on the drive (they live at the very end of the cul de sac), ran in with her, dumped the keys on the hall table (door unlocked) and rushed her up to the toilet. When he got back downstairs literally a few minutes later, keys (with house keys on the fob) and car were gone.