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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dropping by and unlocked doors

126 replies

DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 08:48

My parents are fans of the approach of “if we are home the front door is unlocked and you can/should just drop by without notice or even necessarily knocking.” My DH is really really not a fan of this approach especially as he works from home and we currently have a baby. Despite having been brought up by my parents, I always tell them when I am coming by and always ring the door bell before trying it. Anywhere else I would notify and ring and wait.

(There’s also a host of other boundary issues with my parents which I have discussed here before and I am currently seeing a therapist to work on protecting myself, my marriage and DD from their lack of boundaries and my tendencies to be terrified of crossing them. )

Anyway the door thing all came to a head yesterday when they turned up unannounced, rang the door bell and came straight in bellowing greetings. My teething DD had literally been asleep ten minutes and burst into tears and they were furious when I greeted them by telling them to shut up. I tried shhh but they couldn’t hear me over the noise they were making. DH says from now on door is locked when I am home to prevent this. They will be furious.

Anyway I want to know what other people’s expectations are. Is the door always unlocked and open to surprise visits by family or is it all an arranged in advance thing. is DH being U or are my parents?

OP posts:
VickyEadie · 01/08/2018 13:37

minduptopia

You said "Our door is always unlocked if we are home (we don’t even lock it at night), but no one we know would ever dream of just barging on in unless we asked them to to save one of us having to get up."

Please have a look at what I and some others have said - honestly, leaving your door unlocked is insane.

CloudPop · 01/08/2018 13:38

Wow I would find that absolutely unbearable

Bluebird29 · 01/08/2018 14:07

I think instead of saying about crime, tell them they just can’t walk in. Lock it and tell them why.

PurpleArmy · 01/08/2018 14:10

I keep all the doors locked after my mum found a random stranger in the kitchen rifling through her handbag.

DP has problems locking the door even when he leaves the house!

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 17:09

I like the key suggestions, we used to ask my parents to feed our cat when we went away but after we were all away at the same time we found a brilliant cat sitter and i’d actually rather use her. - parents commented on the house and how annoying it is that our elderly rescue cat is indoor only - as the rescue suggested- versus cat sitter who just takes pictures of the cat and described how she behaved. Definitely door locked from now on and working up to the other conversations.

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 01/08/2018 17:15

Our door is always locked.

I grew up in a small town where everyone would just knock/ring the bell and walk in calling “hello”.

But I live in a city centre now, it’s not safe to leave it unlocked and I don’t know people well enough to do that.

Our parents pre-arrange visits 99% of the time, unless they happen to be unexpectedly driving past but this is very rare. They all have keys but would ring the bell unless we’ve told them to use the key.

We pre-arrange visits to their houses too and would knock despite having keys.

We both work from home and would find it really inconvenient to have people popping over unexpectedly all the time.

Poodletip · 01/08/2018 17:17

We always keep the door locked since our eldest was about 18 months and learnt how to open doors. DH wasn't too hot on it until the time she actually did manage to walk out of the house along with the dog Shock. Then through having two more children, the habit became well established. Even now they are old enough not to just wander out we still keep the door locked because there's a lot of opportunist crime in the area. To stop them from using their key when you are in just leave your key in the lock on the inside.

My PIL are lovely, lovely people but they would just walk in when they had their own key. Despite the fact that I love them it still really annoyed me so when the opportunity presented itself and we got the key back, we just didn't ever give it back to them. I can only imagine that with other issues in the mix as well it would be unbearable.

claraschu · 01/08/2018 17:23

We have open doors and are glad when people drop in. I always had keys to my parents' house, and would just let myself in- it was my house too, as long as they lived, even though I hadn't actually lived there in 25 years. I would always hope my kids would feel like my house is their home no matter what happens or where they actually live.

CSIblonde · 01/08/2018 17:25

Your home your rules OP. If I am in, my door is double locked and the catch is down. It's not safe to leave a front door unlocked. I totally understand your fear re standing up to controlling parents. IME once I'd done it once (rehearsed/role played it before with my Counsellor: my words plus their expected reaction), it wasn't as terrifying as I thought , I just thought 'here comes the usual hysterics/bluster/drama' & stood my ground. After the first time it's massively easier.

Eddie16 · 01/08/2018 17:39

I've now triple checked my front door is locked after having a dose of paranoia after reading this thread.
I admit my parents have a key as they do a lot of childcare for me but if I'm expecting them,they do open the door and let themselves in while shouting hello. My in laws will never have a key as they have form for turning up early for lunch while myself and dh get a 2 year old and ourselves ready or mil 're arranging' the house while supposedly keeping an eye for us while we are away for a few days.

batshitbetty · 01/08/2018 17:49

Sod that, I can't stand people dropping by without any warning and wouldn't dream of doing it to friends or family either! I don't care if I'm in, what if I'm in the middle of something or heading out soon? Should I drop everything because you fancied a visit? So inconsiderate

Rebecca36 · 01/08/2018 18:53

Keep your door locked, then you have a choice whether or not to answer the door bell. People should ring before turning up unless they are in some dire straits.

CeeMe32 · 01/08/2018 19:29

We used to be a door open family but that changed after the birth of DS. PIL walked in unannounced several times, once while i was breastfeeding and once when i had just left the shower.

Its been locked ever since!

mydogisthebest · 01/08/2018 20:12

Our front door is always locked but the back door isn't. In fact unless it is really cold the back door is left open so our dogs can go in and out.

None of our friends or family would turn up announced. We do have a couple of neighbours though who walk up the back garden path and shout through the back door to us. We have recently moved to a new area and apparently using someone's back door rather than front is the common thing to do

It really annoys me (DH isn't really bothered) and am intending to put a bolt on the back gate to stop it.

soapboxqueen · 01/08/2018 20:31

Does it really matter what others do? If this isn't working for you change it.

For the record, I only lock my front door when I'm out or at night. My family including ILs just wander in. It doesn't bother me.

longwayoff · 01/08/2018 20:33

O mydog you've just reminded me I used to leave my back,

longwayoff · 01/08/2018 20:35

Bah! Error. Back door open for dog but it was always fine as nobody in their right mind would have tried to go past him into the house.

macdhui · 01/08/2018 20:48

That would annoy me having my baby woken up too. I’m another who never locks their house though. I live rurally and am happy to have all doors unlocked. I can also come into my kitchen from the garden and find my kettle on and visitors around the table - love it !

blaaake · 01/08/2018 21:01

My front door is always locked, and if anybody wants to come in they can ring the bell. When the new house is finally finished, I am having the doorbell moved to the front gate which will also be locked.

Amaried · 01/08/2018 21:10

We're a door always open house. Our immediate families normally knock once and walk in...
The idea of my mom ringing the bell and waiting outside seems bonkers to me but I completely accept that this is unusual on Mumsnet.. I grew up in a open door policy so it seems normal to me.

MissConductUS · 01/08/2018 21:21

I live in a fairly rural area and we always lock our doors. We were burglarized many years ago and the police said the fact that our house wasn't visible from other houses made us more vulnerable. The house was locked then too but the thief took an extension ladder we had outside and used it to get up onto our second story deck, then in through one of the sliding glass doors.

None of our family would ever drop by unannounced much less just let themselves in!

Yupindeedy · 01/08/2018 21:27

@DrowsyDragon our front door works like a yale lock so without a key you can’t get in from outside yet door is open from inside. The door company referred to it as a ‘hotel locking system’ but don’t know if that was just a nickname. Perhaps you could get your locks changed to this type?

No unannounced callers allowed here. I need at least 30 mins warning and then reserve right to say no. I won’t answer door if people don’t respect my rules in my home and don’t care if they take the huff... they can feel free not to bother me.

Original poster
DrowsyDragon · 01/08/2018 21:38

Ooh yupindeedy I would like that! Will have to investigate.

OP posts:
Davros · 01/08/2018 22:16

It's true that your insurance could be invalid if you give keys out to lots of people but definitely if you don't lock the doors. We live in a terrace and often leave the back door wide open when we go out if it's hot but the front door is firmly locked. We also have an entry phone for chuggers and unknowns.

DesignStatement · 01/08/2018 22:37

Ive lived in major cities, rural tiny villages and small towns and have never left my door unlocked. I mean ~ why would you?